10 month old not sleeping. Losing it

[jesussavedme2017]

FTM here. So for context, my daughter has never been a good sleeper from day 1. I think the longest stretch she’s ever slept was 4 hours and that was one time. She had horrible colic when she was 2 months old, took her to the chiropractor a few times and no issues with gas since. After the 4 month sleep regression, she was sleeping 2-3 hour stretches at night. We co-sleep and she uses breastfeeding as her sleep association to get back to sleep. Out of desperation a few months ago we tried the Ferber method to get her to sleep solo in the crib. 2 days in a row she didn’t sleep at all and nearly busted blood vessels in her eyes from crying so much so we gave up. I do not want to sleep train.
Fast forward to now. Around 7.5 months she started waking even more at night and for hours at a time. She’s completely happy but she’s up for 3-5 hours in the middle of the night. We get her in bed between 7-8pm, she’s up between 11pm-12am and then won’t fall back asleep until 3-5am. Then she wants to sleep until 1-2pm and she’s exhausted the entire next day so her wake windows are only 1.5-2 hours MAX because she’s rubbing her eyes and fussy and just exhausted. I’ve tried to wake her up earlier in the day to get her back on her “schedule” but then she just starts rubbing her eyes and fussing within 30 min of waking her up. She could nap for 3 hours if I let her but I never let her go past the 2 hour mark.

I haven’t left my house in months. The one time I did with her she was crying SO hard because she was exhausted and we had been out of the house for longer than an hour. We can’t go anywhere or do anything because as soon as she shows signs of being tired we have to put her down. She won’t even fall asleep for dad anymore and will only nap if I lay down with her and nurse her. It’s negatively impacted all of my friendships and family relationships because I can’t take her to see anyone or do anything. I feel like I’m doing something wrong. Her pediatrician wants me to sleep train but I’m not willing to do that.

 

[messianicmichael]

@jesussavedme2017 This sounds really hard. Have you tried a later bedtime? Like 9 or 10? You could see if this leads to her consolidating her sleep overnight and then slowly adjust to an earlier bedtime.

 

[jesussavedme2017]

@messianicmichael We’ve tried a later bedtime, everyone told us we HAD to get her in bed before 8 so I switched around my entire work schedule to accommodate and we were strict about it for about a month. Didn’t change anything so now we kinda just follow her queues but keep the same routine of bath, book, lotion, boob. Later bedtime just makes her wake up for her middle of the night party later. lol

 

[evergold]

@jesussavedme2017 I know each baby is different but I never cap naps. Longest he has ever napped is around 4 h and it has never impacted night sleep negatively, if I wake him up he’s overtired and cranky.

Does she sleep in a stroller or a carrier or ANY other way “on the go”?
I’d try a couple of active days outside with lots of light and stuff going on at day to get exhausted and not have “bedtime” but just let babe sleep when shes tired. Its also possible to nurse to sleep in public with a sling if just carrying doesn’t work.
And/or have a later bedtime if there is no other way to get her to nap.

Edit: how are you spending the time shes awake at night?

 

[jesussavedme2017]

@evergold We were always told never longer than 2 hour naps! Maybe we will just try not capping them and see. She used to sleep fine on the go but not so much anymore.

When she wakes up at night I was turning on Ms. Rachel and trying to just get myself a little rest but I didn’t think that was helping. So now I keep us in the dark and rock her, feed her, sing to her.

 

[dynadin]

@jesussavedme2017 We also don’t cap naps anymore, if baby wants to sleep a long sleep at 3PM - 6 PM on a Tuesday we let him and it might push bedtime back but the rest of his sleep stays unchanged overnight. Wakes maybe 1-2 times to latch on if he isn’t already (which is normal for him) I read a lot about sleep when he was a newborn bc he wouldn’t sleep without being on someone or latched. Also thought I was doing something wrong. I second the baby wearing if you can, once I could get baby into a back carry it changed a lot for me, he just zonks out back there and I continue about my day.

 

[nikki22]

@evergold I would also second the not capping naps. I have sample size of 1 so take my opinion with a grain of salt. All I can say is... sleep begets sleeps for us. When he has good nap days, we have good night times. It's almost always held true for us.

 

[fawou]

@jesussavedme2017 Dang this sounds so rough! My LO had a milder version of this around that age. Naps were so inconsistent and all over the place for about a month. Bedtime and wake time were almost always reliable though and the longest “split night” we ever had lasted 20min… also exclusively breastfed and cosleeping over here.

It sounds to me like your LO is definitely off her rocker w circadian rhythm. I personally think you ought to push through a couple fussy days of overtiredness to get her back into some sort of schedule here. If she’s sleeping from 3-5am until 1-2pm then that is her “nighttime” right now. And if you aren’t letting her sleep that whole time, cue overtiredness during her “daytime,” then once she’s caught up enough on naps, cue the 3-5 hour happy wake window “before bed”.

I know it’s so hard to mess with a baby’s sleep times! Honestly when I did have to tweak my baby’s bed and/or nap times and needed to extend her wake window to do it…. We watched Ms Rachel! For like an hour. It’s the longest I’ve ever let her watch tv in a sitting, and she started crying for sleep immediately when I turned it off, but it did do the trick. You can try all the other stuff too of course but nothing would distract and engage my tired LO long enough to make a difference except Ms Rachel

Definitely at 10mo I think your LO could also use a later bed time. How many naps are you on currently? I would try to shift her back to a true nighttime first, stick to it as closely as you can, and then let her naps do a crazy dance until she settles into her new nap routine. I’d start with her bedtime first. Extend that last window until 9 (at least!) and then ripple out adjustments from there as needed. It’s way easier (IMO) to make them stay up for a little longer than it is to wake them up and keep them up when they’re still tired.

 

[jesussavedme2017]

@fawou Thank you, this is awesome. I guess I just fear keeping her up even more than she already is. She’s on 2 naps - we dropped one nap a few months ago. Most days she’s ok with 2 naps but sometimes she will still act so tired she takes a cat nap later on in the day but I try to avoid that.

 

[fawou]

@jesussavedme2017 I know, it seems counterintuitive to make them stay up when they’re tired… but in my experience it made things level out quickly. You really want to make sure that nighttime is consistent. Keep activities reaaalllly mellow and dimly lit or not lit at all if she does wake up in the night. She’ll pick up that that time is for the big sleep. Naps still may be all over the place for a bit. Whenever my LO had a late nap, I would push bedtime back accordingly to make sure she had enough sleep pressure to go down for the night so the cycle didn’t continue. I would also push her naps if needed to try and keep that consistent to avoid the really late cat nap altogether. When she was 10mo she was napping at 10:30 and 2:30/3. For about an hour each nap. Bed at 9ish, wake up at 6ish.

So many sleep resources out there aim for the 7-7 overnight sleep but in my experience that rarely actually works. I don’t know anyone IRL who has a baby/toddler that goes to bed that early. Or sleeps for 12 hours at a time (including feeding/nursing wakes of course) for that matter!

 

[jesussavedme2017]

@fawou This is great advice. Thank you I really appreciate it! It’s so hard when there’s so much info out there with people saying their babies sleep 12 hours.

 

[famof6]

@jesussavedme2017 I had the same rythm with mine at 10 mo as the person above. Unless for the weeks where it all went sideways again for unknown reasons lol. Wanted to add that I was also very confused and worried bc of the 7/7 that is flaunted in your face on the internet, and it took me some timeto realise that sadly that corner of the internet is just flooded with sharks trying to sell all sorts of sleep advice and coachings. They are trying to sell you stuff and in order to do so, they need ypu to think there's something wrong with your baby. I had to turn my mind around and focus on whether ornot my baby was happy. Yes? She gets enough. No? Let's try and tweak stuff. She never slept 12h at night and at 17 mo still doesn't, but she's thriving. That's what matters.

 

[bingsta]

@jesussavedme2017 Mine did this too around that age! Honestly just had to ride it out.

What did help us get a little more sleep was later bedtime (we ended up going around 10pm most nights) and I didn't cap naps. Him being over tired made everything worse so I just let him sleep as needed through the day.

And when possible I'd get my partner to get up with him in the morning so I could try and catch up on some sleep myself after being the one who woke up all night with him!

 

[bingsta]

I did miss the part you said about her sleeping until 1pm! Mine still woke for the day around 6.30 despite being awake for his 3-5am party which is why I said the part about my partner getting up with him.

 

[jesussavedme2017]

@bingsta It makes me feel better to know I’m not alone. I thought I was just severely failing as a parent. Thank you!

 

[lisiu]

@jesussavedme2017 We had similar at around 7months. His sleep was all over the place for abt two months (we also co-sleep and feed to sleep during the night). It was around the time he dropped from 3 to 2 naps. It’s better now, but still have a few random days.
I found the app Napper was good for helping me remember nap times, he has a big nap (90mins - 2hrs) in the morning, and then a 30/45 min late afternoon. Sometimes he doesn’t go to bed until nearly 9pm, but is then in bed for 12hrs, so it’s not so bad. To be clear, he’s still feeding a few times in the night, but he doesn’t wake up just roots for the boob, and I only wake up for a minute or two.

 

[jesussavedme2017]

@lisiu I’ll look into the app. Thank you!

 

[hanna123]

@jesussavedme2017 Another app that is helpful is Huckleberry. I don’t pay for premium and get their sleep recommendations because it doesn’t align with my parenting style but I pay for the one that does “sweet spot” and gives me the next nap time or bedtime depending on the last wake up time/wake windows and it’s been super helpful. Mine has also never gone to bed earlier than 9 pm. When I tried 8:30 after going to 2 naps a day, she just woke up after half an hour and wanted to party for a few more hours. Bedtime is always between 9-10:30. Good thing we are night people.

 

[jesussavedme2017]

@hanna123 It’s hard because you do all this research that tells you baby needs to be in bed between 7-8 but then it just doesn’t work and you feel like you’re failing. Thank you for the suggestions!

 

[hanna123]

@jesussavedme2017 Welcome. Every baby is different. Find what works for you and roll with it. It will likely change again soon anyways.

ETA: I’ve read all that stuff ago it earlier bedtimes too. And you know, she maybe could learn to fall asleep earlier but then she would get up earlier also I am sure and that is a no go for this family.

Hope it gets better for you. Sending love and prayers for rest.