X wants to move to KY with my youngest 50/50 custody

[srur]

So we divorced 2018, and we moved to NM, where we are now for X to be near her family and support structure. Since then, most of her family has moved elsewhere. She has at least one brother who lives in KY and keeps bringing up moving there. Her reasoning is "a fresh start for the children." we also have an 18yo. 3 or so years ago, she wanted to move for a job. Given that in the last 5 years, she has job hopped a ton in a small town. Though recently she is finally holding a job! Yay! I am a general contractor and just got to that point. My entire family still lives nearby here in NM. I will inherit 6 rentals by staying here, which I am depending on for my retirement and hopefully my kids' retirement later in life. I don't really want to move but would follow my kids anywhere if it came to it while they are young. Plus, my contractors license can't follow me. So I'd lose my livelyhood. Really, I think the X just wants to be closer to her brother and possibly somewhere she hasn't burned a ton of bridges work wise. X says she wants the youngest for the school year, and I'd get her for summer. The problem with that is she doesn't enforce schooling at all and can't even handle registering children for school every year. I've been handling it all since the divorce. X has a great job now making almost 50 an hour working for national labs as a contractor doing mechanic work, I think. We both own our homes here as well. Am I wrong for not wanting to move? And or disagreeing with her taking the kiddo. I told her she could move and have the youngest over the summer.

I would appreciate any thoughts and criticisms yall may have!

P.S. here is what I am thinking of telling the X in final response to her request, but I feel like it could be Said better. Any input appreciated! With the help of readers comments and others I have changed my response.

            Uprooting her life is not in her best interest. You and our eldest of course I can't stop. Our youngest i certainly can. I don't make these decisions lightly or for myself. I always try my best to do what I think is right for the kids.

Memories aren't going to change or go away with a move. Bullies are everywhere doesn't matter where you move.

In short no I do not support her moving to KY. I know you don't like my answer. But it's not for you it's for her.

 

[eternum]

@srur You're not wrong at all imo. You have a strong case to get majority custody if she wants to move.

Is there a formal custody agreement? Would the child be able to remain at the same school if they lived at your home?

 

[srur]

@eternum Yes she could stay at the same school. Though she is about to move to middle school also and we are in a small town so either way middle and high there is only one. Also yes there is a formal custody agreement she is custodial currently. However it is 50/50.

 

[eternum]

@srur That's another ball in your court. Typically in custody cases they want the least disruptive situation for the child. A judge is not likely to want to uproot a child when they have lived somewhere steady for 5+ years and have friends and family.

I would consult with a lawyer and see what you need to do to ensure she doesn't try to leave the state with your kid.

Good luck to you! It's so selfish of mom to want to completely upturn y'all's daughter's life because she all of a sudden wants to move across the country.

 

[srur]

@eternum Thank you for the well wishes! I've not had to involve a lawyer the whole time yet. She's tried to take me to court for custody and more child support and lost both times. I don't think she is stupid enough to just make a run for it. Fairly certain she knows that I'd have to agree! But it may not hurt. Thank you!

 

[reflex99]

@srur As a teacher, this has ruined many of my students academically. The youngest needs someone stable, and that will enforce structure with school. It could disrupt a lot for your child, and as someone who was a military brat who moved while younger, not every child is resilient.

 

[srur]

@reflex99 I am inclined to agree. Though I'm fairly certain she is a resilient kid. I have serious concerns about moving her cross country away from everything she knows. Luckily, when we moved here, she hadn't started school yet. But I think this, among other things, is what made my eldest life so hard. And made her act out and struggle with school. That's a whole huge story as well.

 

[blaenwern]

@srur Adults have to make sacrifices for their children all the time. Just ask my mother whose spouse died and had to move back to her home town for a job.

With that aside, courts don’t like parents that move. Your child is in New Mexico. That’s where they live. It’s fine if she wants to move to meet personal and professional goals and be closer to her family. But she can’t take your child from what their home. Unless she could prove you unfit, which doesn’t seem like the case here.

Also, children do not want to move. A fresh start? Not buying that.

Get ready for a lot of resentment from mom.

 

[osakazuki]

@blaenwern Just saying as an 11 year old, I was happy with my move out of state. I was NOT happy about moving back to the original state because my parents couldn’t navigate it together and almost divorced.. I wish I would have been able to stay there though.

 

[blaenwern]

@osakazuki I gotcha. Thanks for the response! Junior high seems like it would be a hard time to move.

 

[osakazuki]

@blaenwern They moved me from a few schools and then my senior year my mom wanted me to change school again because of a move that one I got to keep at the school I wanted and drove myself at that point. Moving schools a lot and is quite annoying and added to it being hard to get comfortable in every new environment. Once I got comfortable in the other state- move again! Never got to join a sport because of it.

 

[srur]

@osakazuki I'm confused. In your first comment you said you appreciated the move. In this one it sounds like you didnt.

 

[osakazuki]

@srur I appreciated the move when I was 11 to the new state. I did not appreciate the move back to the original state. The new state had no family in it besides my parents and I had great friends in the neighborhood who had good morals and good influence.

The original state had all the toxic family members and negative environment and I did not make any friends until end of 10th grade and 11th. Then my mom moved out of district and mentioned to go to that high school as a senior- with no friends- again. I refused and was able to drive myself to the school I started at new in 10th grade.

I was extremely depressed all this time and my parents also didn’t seek help. So I had to start at 18 when they finally divorced.

 

[srur]

@osakazuki Oh wow. Understandable! I'm sorry it was rough. In this case though I'm thinking it's not the right move. She has great friends here and all the toxicity has moved away. The only family left here is supportive and non manipulative. It really is a warm and supportive environment! Thank you for the clarification and your input. Good to hear a person's perspective that's been through it.

 

[marcell]

@srur I don’t think you should let on to her that you would follow your kids anywhere, that just gives her reason to think that what she’s considering would be fine because you would follow. Is there some reason she thinks your daughter needs a fresh start, or is that projection on her part?

Keep it concise and stay firm “uprooting her life is not in her best interest. If you decide to move, I will only agree to summers with you, and she will remain in my care during the school year, as this is where she has been established. If you will not agree to this and insist on moving our daughter to another state, I will seek the court’s guidance.”

 

[srur]

@marcell I assume projection. There is no real reason that im aware of. we live in a great, mostly safe small town. Very little crime, etc. She does average in school, perhaps a bit behind, as mom does not enforce hw or anything very well. Always seems from my side like she is trying to be cooler or more fun than me to try and win the kids. But that is mostly conjecture on my part.

 

[srur]

Small update she thinks the kids should get a fresh start because of divorce memories. Essentially. She said" negative memories."

 

[spookydawg77]

@srur I don't know why you're even considering it. She can move if she wants and you can't stop her from moving, but if she does move, she can't take your child with her. Even if she's the custodial parent. The courts generally won't allow it unless she can show it's in the best interest of the child to move. So, you'll become the custodial parent.

She wants to move to somewhere where she hasn't burnt all her bridges - but she's just going to end up burning bridges wherever she moves. You absolutely should not follow her because she will never settle, and the result will be your child hopping from place to place.

I think you're saying too much in your response. Simply say:

No, I will not support you moving to Kentucky, it is not in our daughters best interest.

That's all you need. Let her make the next move. And if she does decide to move anyway, and tries to take your child with her, get a lawyer and go to court.

 

[rlneub]

@srur The text is very kind and diplomatic, but not very effective if you want your kids to stay in NM.

You'll likely have to take this one to court. Sounds like you have a good case. I'd consult with an attorney before she leaves. It'll be more difficult to undo the change if she moves with them.

 

[srur]

@rlneub It has changed alot since this. Thank you for your input! I'm hoping the new version does a better job. I try very hard to not be combative for if and or when we end up in court.