Why is this so hard…

[gtorre]

I was 44 when I gave birth to my first LO. I was lucky to conceive naturally only after trying for 6 months. I always wanted more but since I didn’t end up meeting my husband (44) until later in life, I wasn’t sure if I would have any at all.

I had a lot of PP anxiety after the baby and it’s been really hard being a working (from home) mom. Plus I’m older and just scared if I can do it all with another. I’m 45 now doctor said my health is perfect and doesn’t see a problem. I just feel exhausted all the time and wonder how people do this!

I had my eggs frozen years ago. Since we have been fencesitting, I thought let’s see if we can get any embryos from my frozen eggs. We did the process, eggs unfroze fine but only 1 embryo survived, it was a girl (what we hoped for) but it was mosaic. They suggested we don’t implant due to risk. I’m still processing, but I feel so many things. I feel like a failure in one way, I feel like that was our last chance. I also feel like that was our sign and we should just be grateful for our healthy boy. I also feel a small relief of not having to go thru pregnancy/birth/sleep training ect again. But there is sadness there lingering and a what if. I come from such a small family and always wanted at least 2 children for us and so they would have each other.

I’m surprised at myself to now be thinking maybe we should just try naturally and see what God gives us. But am I pushing my luck? Should I just take this as a sign? I do want another, I just don’t think I can handle it and do this all over again, especially at my age. I feel like my husband and I play tennis everyday with the constant should we shouldn’t we some days I feel yes!!! Others I’m like no way can I do this again. Anyone have advice for making a decision?

 

[keyslammer]

@gtorre Sounds to me like you have all the relevant medical information to make a decision and this is more an issue of the heart.

You obviously focus on your perspective here, I don't want to assume anything so how does your partner feel? Do they want another?

Just based on everything you said I think you both are leaning towards trying I would just be prepared that it might take a long time or that ut might not work out. Plenty of women give birth 45+ but you do need to have your expectations routed in reality. This is where going over the medical facts and figures with your doctor can help guide and temper your emotions and expectations.

You talk a lot about if you have energy, time, and resources on another child which is very understandable. Have you gone through your budget to see if you can afford external professional help second time around (e.g. doula, mommy's helper, nanny, housecleaners, etc)? If you can swing something like this even for a few years until your children are more self sufficient it may give you the boost you need to have another.

One option might be to give yourselves a timeline "we will try for 2 years" or "we will try until I'm 48" and then revisit the topic.

Of course there are other avenues you havnt mentioned (surrogacy, adoption) but I'm not sure how you feel about those since you didn't mention them in your post.

Best of luck!

 

[gtorre]

@keyslammer Husband feels in the fence too (more nervous about pregnancy for me). I think that’s why I feel like we should try and just see what’s happen with a timeline. This way we have piece of mind that we tried and if it doesn’t work, it was part of the plan. We could do a nanny etc. it’s just so expensive here in NY. My mom helps a lot but she is older. I def think if we do it we need help, that would be game changer. Thanks for the advice

 

[vitagenlab]

@gtorre How old were you when you froze your eggs? Is it a low mosaic?

Edited to say…you could always implant it and do early NIPT testing to rule out any abnormalities. Then you wouldn’t always wonder what if.

 

[gtorre]

@vitagenlab I was 40 when I froze, unfortunately it’s a high mosaic. Also the clinic won’t implant a mosaic at my age

 

[elvisrene10]

@gtorre I was in these shoes and don’t have brilliant advice just experience.

I am a lot more tired w baby 2.

Both parents have to really want it.

I under anticipated the cost of care. I overestimated the energy and time we have left after the older one.

Our spontaneous pregnancy after 45 resulted in a loss. That fit my personal stats. Both our kids were IVF babies.

It was a big shift for my husband. Its now more 1:1 and personal and friend time diminished. He is introverted and the chaotic loud house of littles not sleeping is hard on him. Its 3:15 and baby awoke crying. It took us awhile to realise she was hungry…because the older girl needed a lot of bedtime attention we both forgot the baby fell asleep on le during story time without her typical full bottle.

So I love this baby. She’s adorable and completely different than the first. The first is also bright and creative.

And I think the key is to accept what life throws you at a certain point. We have friends who had the same 2nd ivf outcome as you. Right now they have 2 amazing careers and travel. We are barely heads above water, back in the baby years again here at home. And stuff is so expensive for kids!

It was a risk and risky pregnancy and a lot on our marriage.

Whatever you pick, do it together. And accept which path you end up on. We are held together with the help of grandmas, money and we just give up on some things to sleep. I think we haven’t had adequate meaningful time to ourselves or marriage for some time.

 

[gtorre]

@elvisrene10 Thank you so much for your real honest opinion. I’m feeling this and think this would be our path if we had another. Hence why I’m so nervous to make a decision. I feel like I’m being optimistic about just getting help and thinking that will make it a better. I guess I’m just scared that I will regret not having another down the road and then it’s too late. It’s difficult when you are in the thick of it. My husband and I focused on our careers all our lives and we have also already traveled the world, I that’s why we at least don’t have the “missing out” feeling from that side of things. Did you friends with 2nd ivf out and have 1 child already? Or they didn’t have any? I agree with you we both need to really want it, and at this point being on the fence I don’t think it’s enough, hence my confusion

 

[elvisrene10]

@gtorre Thank you for not taking my tired commentary as too debbie downer.

We have 2. It has a physical and relationship cost at this age. I traveled a ton before but baby is 1 and its been 4 years without flying for the wee one’s health.

Friends: one ivf baby, great careers. One helps people find purpose.

Another: second is IVF, dad is a doctor and they are cash strapped. It is us all living in high cost pf living US cities.

Me: grandma powered, two mid careers and we are sweating housing plus childcare. Its eating our down payment funds. Yes, we timed housing wrong, but were awaiting our move to half the cost per square foot 8 hrs drive away. Basically does parents 2 work or do kids?

And I….could have had our current affordable housing in a kick ass city work with one kid not 2. So our older kid isn’t getting private school like her preschool peers (bad local district). We go to public school and for kindergarten its great w an amazing teacher with less frills.

Apologies I sound so spoiled. We had ivf we pay kids, not free kids the good old fashioned way.

 

[gtorre]

@elvisrene10 Not a Debbie Downer at all, I think people would think that if they truly wanted to opposite and they didn’t receive the answer they wanted. I don’t want someone telling me what I want to hear, I want reality!

Where do you live? Sounds like we are going thru similar housing situation. We lived in NYC once bedroom apt and I optimistically thought, how much room does a baby need?!? So we are temporarily living with my mom on Long Island while we look for a house and this market has been crazy. And the areas we like with good schools taxes are nuts and other areas don’t have great schools so either way we are screwed.

We recently went overseas to visit husbands family and traveling with a baby was awful. I don’t know how these other families do it. Sometimes I feel like a mom fail for not being able to do it.

 

[nonhlanhla]

@gtorre It's great doctor was encouraging. You mentioned only trying naturally but IUI and luteal support would probably improve your chances or speed it up.

 

[gtorre]

@nonhlanhla I didn’t even think of that. I think because we are so conflicted I wanted to leave it up to fate and see what happens bc I don’t want to make the decision myself

 

[nonhlanhla]

@gtorre Chances of successful IUI isn't substantiality higher than usual. It's not a slam dunk for sure. But helping your uterus stay pregnant with luteal phase support can be helpful at older ages. Even if you don't do IUI. I have strong suspicion it was really helpful with my second.