Who here has a mediocre relationship with their sibling(s)?

@ernesjohnson My sibling and I don’t speak. Due to the age gap, we were both raised as only children. I find my sibling to be…..I don’t enjoy their company. We went 2 years without contact. And now it’s been about 1 year without contact.

My husband is only close 1 of his siblings.

Siblings aren’t built in best friends or support systems.
 
@ernesjohnson I have two sisters and we're separated by less than 2 years on both ends, so this isn't even an age gap thing. Since I was a child, I felt like they didn't like me. Today they are still pretty close and they go on fancy vacations together, and I'm not invited. They are also fairly selfish when it comes to our parents, to be fair.

So whenever someone says "I want to give my child a sibling" I find it so ignorant. I will say my relationship with the older sister is not as bad as the relationship with the younger one. But it's clear that she doesn't like me all that much.
 
@ernesjohnson I am the oldest of 7. I have only one who is "full" though I don't really like or use the term "half siblings" and have lived with all of them at varying points of growing up except for the youngest, who is 11 months younger than my Only (Dad remarried a younger woman who said she wanted me to "stop getting all the attention" when my son was a newborn and got pregnant on purpose so 🫣).

I have a downright bad relationship with two of my siblings, those who are closest in age to me. The rest I am not super close with due to the age gap.

This didn't effect my decision to be OAD so much as make me feel less bad about it. My relationship with my 6 siblings kinda just goes to show that just because you have them doesn't particularly mean anything.

It was also kind of terrible to have so many siblings as a kid because we were poor and my parents were mentally ill so they, whether intentionally or unintentionally, encouraged competitiveness for love, time, resources (like food and basic necessities). But that didn't make me decide to be OAD, just further justified it if that makes sense because now I can focus all of our time, love, and money on the one kiddo we do have.
 
@ernesjohnson I think I know exactly what you mean. My younger brother and I had your typical antagonistic relationship as kids. We got along better by high school but that mostly meant the bickering and fighting had subsided. We did share an apartment in college tho and we got along fine. But now, years later as adults, we don’t talk much or see each other much. We just kinda live our own lives. Like you, there’s no beef or trauma. It’s just mediocre.
And that’s the thing about siblings. You never know what it will be like. Having a sibling is no guarantee that they’ll be friends. This is what we sometimes tell people who say that shouldn’t our daughter have a sibling so she can have a friend to play with all the time.
There’s no way to know if she’d get along with a sibling. They could be enemies and that would just suck. They could have what I have, mediocre. Or yes, they could’ve been best buddies. But it’s all a roll of the dice.
 
@ernesjohnson My relationship with both of my siblings (2 older brothers) is mostly non-existent.

Both of them were my first (and longest-lasting) bullies in life; they basically always treated me like crap, no matter how many times my mother tried to encourage us to "get along."

One of my brothers I haven't spoken to since November of 2016. We had an argument over some differing points of view, and we just stopped talking. In January of 2019, our mother had a cardiac arrest and ended up in the hospital in a coma. I tried to reach out to this brother to tell him, and he wouldn't respond to my calls or texts. Contacted his best friend/roommate (we all grew up together, he knew our mom well, too; he had been considered one of my "brothers," he was like family), let him know what was going on and that my brother wasn't responding to me. He immediately went home to tell my brother about our mom; my brother still never called, never responded to any messages, nothing. Didnt go to the hospital to see out mom or anything. When our mother passed 8 days later, the friend contacted me with his condolences; brother still hasn't contacted me to this day.

My other brother (the oldest one) continued to treat me like shit on a regular basis all through adulthood. When I left my ex-husband and admitted to my family that he'd been abusive in multiple ways, both of my brothers called me a liar. But, my oldest brother was the most insistent that I was "making it all up." In fact, any time I've ever tried to talk about anything at all that is in any way bad or negative that happened to me, he always says I'm "making it up for attention" and then makes a bunch of insulting jokes about my circumstances or what I've been through.

Later, he told me it was harder for him than me to be a divorced single parent, because all I had to do was "spread my legs to get my bills paid." He literally said to my and my (now) husband's faces, like he was literally accusing me of only being with my husband for money; despite the fact he's never had much money (we used to both be broke together, then we both were making about the same, now I make more than 2x what my husband does...), and I've literally always been the only one of the two of us paying all the bills (which are and always have been in my name.) But, knowing/acknowledging that fact would ruin his ability to believe absolute bs about me, just so he can feel superior.

When our mom was in a coma, he came to see her, I think, once, maybe twice. I was there everyday, talking to the doctors, talking to my mom in the coma; my oldest brother had the power of attorney and he was supposed to be the one who made the decision about whether or not to "pull the plug," but he REFUSED to make the decision. Told me to make it. I'm 100% sure this was because he didn't want to have to live with having made the decision, but he was cool with me having to live with having made the decision.

He didn't start being any kind of nice to me, at all, until after our mother died in 2019. At which point, I was 35, and he was 40. And even then, his "niceness" just always feels perfunctory and forced. Like, he's only doing it because he believes it's what our mother would have wanted, but he's not GENUINELY nice to me. We hardly ever talk, I see him for a few hours at Christmas so my son can see his cousins. I feel awkward and out of place the entire visit, and happy when it's done.

Having siblings provides no guarantee of friendship. Not even of closeness.

I have one son, he is nearly 18 (will be in Nov.) He asked for siblings for a couple years when he was younger; but then when his dad actually started having kids with someone else, my son started to realize that having siblings wasn't really all he had thought it would be. After a while, he started saying he was happy I never had any more kids, because his siblings just drove him crazy when he was at his dad's, and he greatly preferred the peace and solitude he had when he'd come home to being the only kid in the house.

I think a lot of only children who long for a sibling are just thinking the grass must be greener on the other side. People have a tendency to assume that whatever they're missing out on would have 100% been a positive experience - because in all honesty, it's a "fantasy" scenario for them. No one fantasizes about things being shitty, you know? They never consider the very real possibility that their theoretical siblings could have been assholes they wouldn't have gotten along with, anyway.
 
@ernesjohnson Mine isn’t mediocre, but is downright bad - we are no contact. My brother is a huge narcissist and honestly probably a sociopath who never had time for me - even as kids. He’s 7 years older than me and just was - never interested and I really yearned for him to like me or pay attention to me, but he just never did. It created a lot of pain for me as a kid and as an adult. He’s now an abusive, just mean person and I am no contact with him. My relationship with him definitely influenced one and done for me (I have a 5 month old) because you just never know what you will get with a sibling! Or doesn’t mean they’ll be close or ever even like each other. I have a 9 year old stepson who is with us part time so my little one does have a brother, but I am definitely one and done with biological kids with one of the main reasons being all the pain my brother caused me.
 
@ernesjohnson I have a younger sister that I basically never talk to. We've been estranged for years, really. She wanted to see me this summer but unfortunately I was out of the country. I don't feel comfortable rekindling a relationship with her due to past incidents. But sometimes I think about it. Kind of hard not to.
 
@ernesjohnson I have (had, one passed away) 2 sisters. They were 12 and 18 when I was born! The year I was born the oldest got married and the year I started kindergarten the middle one got married. I was basically an only child… with siblings. Lol. The middle sister is the one who is still alive and we really have a mediocre relationship for sure. We text pretty regularly but I feel awkward at her house and find it hard to have conversations with her. We are nothing alike and short of being related, we have nothing in common. The one who died was a mega bitch and was never nice to me… my daughter is an only child. It wasn’t by choice at first but it took me 12 years to get pregnant. When she was 11 months old I managed to get pregnant again but lost that one. I realized afterwards when I was relieved that I didn’t have another child, that I was def a one and done kinda person. Lol
 
@ernesjohnson My brother and I are 14 years apart so we were never close. We’re much better now because of his kids who I adore but I wouldn’t call us besties. I have another brother that’s 10 years older than me and we’re no contact due to his drug addiction. The only reason I would want more than one is so my kid can experience nephews because that’s by and large been my best experience with family.
 
@ernesjohnson My brother and I get along cordially as adults, though we aren't very close. As children, we could easily have killed each other. He once tried to push me into a ravine. I once pulled a knife on him. When he was born (I was four), I dreamt I could drop him into a very deep hole. I resented my parents horribly for his existence, and the whole of our childhood only reinforced that feeling. We got along as well as oil and water.

It wasn't a factor in my OAD decision, though, as there were other more important factors so I didn't even think of it.

I don't think the future relationship between siblings (either wanting to give child a sibling so that they'll have a sibling bond, or not wanting to because it might go wrong) should be a factor in deciding, though. We literally can't predict it. They might be the best of friends, the worst of enemies, or anything in between. In the same vein, sometimes children don't get along with one or both of their parents due to a clash of personalities - we know that can happen, and yet it's not usually a factor in deciding whether to have one more kid (it's sometimes a factor in deciding to have no kids at all).
 
@ernesjohnson Let’s say both me and my husband have non existent relationships with our siblings. Happd right after they got married….. soooooo…. No guaranteed friendship and lifelong fun with a sibling unfortunately
 
@ernesjohnson OAD here & wow mediocre is exactly the word that describes most of the sibling relationships I see/hear about. Maybe 5% of my close friends & family have a “close” relationship & probably 20% have no relationship or a very volatile one with a sibling. The other 75% fall in some range between meh & pretty good. I always kind of remind myself of this after someone says “Aww you should give your kid a sibling”.
 
@ernesjohnson I've seen a lot of different sibling relationships just within my extended family. My middle sister and I get along, but we aren't super close. My youngest sister and I are really close. My husband and his siblings are more take it or leave it. They enjoy each other's company, but don't really put forth much effort into spending time together. My sisters are married to brothers, and my BILs and their sisters are definitely a mixed bag. I think they all get along with the oldest sister. 2nd oldest sister, nobody really likes overly much. BIL1 tolerates being around her in limited doses. BIL2 wants nothing to do with her at all after she gave their entire family covid last year. BIL1 and BIL2 go back and forth as to whether or not they get along. They definitely didn't get along as kids/teens. BIL1 can be a real jerk and would look for things to get BIL2 in trouble over...and he hasn't changed overly much. Not sure what my sister sees in him, honestly. lol

Families can be complicated. Sometimes you choose your family to be your friends, and sometimes you choose your friends to be your family.
 
@ernesjohnson I was a mean brother to my little sister(not vicious of anything, just a dick) until I was about 15, she was 3 years younger. A lot of our issue was our abusive mother who often pitted us against each other. Once we were old enough we became friends and realized my mom was the real enemy. We both moved out eventually and we keep in touch but we aren’t really close. I think sibling relationships are definitely a dice roll, like any other human relationship.
 
@ernesjohnson I am the middle child of 3 girls. It sucked then and now. I have no relationship with either sister. And my two sister's aren't close either. There is 4.5 years between me and my older sister, and 6 years between me and my younger sister. My older sister was a bully and she really affected my self esteem in a negative way growing up. I can't remember many happy memories or moments of her tbh. I tried to be a better sister to my younger sister...and she ended up treating me like garbage too as she got older. We came from a pretty dysfunctional family though. (Divorced parents, father in jail, alcoholic mother, many different women and men in and out of our lives that my parents cycled through dating, etc.) In a nut shell I didn't want my adult life to resemble anything like my childhood. So it was definitely a reason for me to be OAD. I love that my daughter doesn't have to deal with any of the same crap that I did. She's super happy and so far has never wanted a sibling. ( She's 11 yrs old). My husband and I are still happily married (17 years)(He is an only child himself). It's a peaceful life. Ironically my older sister has 2 children and in an unhappy marriage...and my younger sister is single and has none.
 
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