What to do? My son's g.f. is beating him up

[dadon]

My son is 22 and his g.f. is 21. They have been living together for around two years. They got in an argument this weekend and I caught the tail end of it that she had been going off on him while he was driving, and was literally beating him with her shoe while he was driving and refused to get out of the vehicle. It was a completely nonsensical argument but she was "drunk".

He came over here after he dropped her off, distraught and a lot of truths came out. For one I found out that at a party they went to she literally punched him about the face so much he had black eyes, a bloody nose and a cut lip. And there were three or four other instances too. Evidently the common denominator is when she drinks she gets mean.

She has also bragged in the past about beating her ex up but supposedly he did something really horrible and "deserved" it.

I pointed out that he did not deserve to be treated like that. Tried to point out that abuse is a cycle and the first time some one physically abuses us we need to leave. He went home to her. I figure I need to drop it or it is going to drive a wedge between us but it pretty much makes me cry every time I think about it.

I thought I loved her and she was like a daughter to me and all this time she has been beating the snot out of my son. I am so beyond devastated. I'm not even a spanking house, we have always just talked.

My first instinct is to say I don't ever want to see that horrible person again and ban her from my home. But realisticly if I did I would probably never see my son again or not for many years.

They are supposed to come over here Sunday for Christmas and I don't even know if I can fake it.

Has anyone ever been through this? Any experience or advice would be so appreciated. I am feeling like I just need to call in sick for the holiday, but I truly want to spend time with my son on the holiday. OMG what would you do?

 

[spiningcompass]

@dadon I'm not a parent and I don't have any great advice, but I did want to chime in and say how sorry I am that your child is being domestically abused. I hope he reports her to the police, but of course that's easier said than done.

 

[dadon]

@spiningcompass I advised him to get a restraining order but he just wouldn't even consider it. I guess he has pic's of the worst beating, and a lot of witnesses. I guess he has to come to it on his own but I don't even know how to cope until he does.

 

[happichappi]

@dadon Remember that a lot of men (can) feel very embarrassed when they are in a domestic violence relationship. Men have been programmed for years to be "tough" , not show emotion and that they can't be victims of DV. Of course it's all bullshit . I think your approach of being there, but not pushing it is the best way. Let him know you will be there regardless of what happens and that he can always come to you. Eventually he will want to leave

 

[sagat4]

@dadon Pay for your son to see a counsellor. Just on his own to help him with an exit strategy.

It also occurred to me that a father/ son or mother son trip of some length might be a good way to get a break.

I’m not sure I could stomach her in my house.

Alanon for him - she’s an alcoholic.

 

[dadon]

@sagat4 Some really good ideas, thank you. I am his Mom. Do you think I should tell my exhusband, his father?

I don't even know if I could fake being nice to her now. I am seriously thinking about "calling in sick" for Christmas, but of course I want to be there for him and I want to see him for Christmas. I'm afraid if I ask him not to bring her, he won't come either :-(

 

[slenderfender]

@dadon Op, I think you should. If he has a good relationship with his dad, he needs to know. If not, don't get him involved. I personally don't have kids, but your situation it's too important not to throw my ideas here, If talking to your son is not working, try finding the witnesses, if you can find them. See if they have evidence, so it will help build a case. If not, take whatever you have to show proof of the abuse and take it to the police. I know how police can be if you don't have any proof. So I would gather as much as you can and report it. She will hurt him so badly that there is no going back from it. is all about when. I have watched enough true crime to know that, and to know it's when she drinks scares me for your son. It might feel like you're betraying him, but having him alive and mad and not here anymore are two different things. He is lucky to have a mom who loves him. I really hope you can find a way to help him.

 

[gregorypalamas]

@dadon Please don't be nice to her. My dad abused my Mum while growing up and I only later realised as an adult that neighbours, uncles, friends etc knew about the abuse. Nobody treated him any differently, and shaming people who ill-treat others is part of the deal. You want to be part of the social order and treated with respect? Then don't hurt other people. I'm so terribly sorry this is happening to your son. Your only allegiance is to your son and helping him as best you can out of this situation.

Feel free to leave your manners at the door. This person has no qualms about hurting your or they wouldnt be doing this to your son. I'd tell as many people as you could, assuming your son okays it. He has nothing to be ashamed of. He's not a victim he's a survivor and he'll make it..he opened up to you so all is not lost.

 

[buggalugs]

@gregorypalamas Treating her poorly can absolutely cause him to not come around. He needs support more than anything.

 

[xitosunwin]

@gregorypalamas Well maybe they were trying to support her. There wouldn't have been much they could do if she didn't want to or couldn't leave, but being supportive of her during it could've helped her long term with a strategy to leave. I didn't support my friend and had her dog not been there to defend her, she would probably be dead.

Edit: Him admitting it to them was a big deal, though.

 

[sagat4]

@dadon Tell him you are going to tell his dad

 

[katrina2017]

@dadon My sister went through the same thing. It is the first step that he opened up to you. That's positive. In my experience, the most you can do is be there for him, talk to him about domestic violence, and reach out to a counselor or the DV hotline. You can report her to the police, yes, but ultimately, he is an adult and has to follow through. He is the one who has to leave her and not go back. I'm sorry your son is going through this. It's really painful to watch a loved one go through abuse. Just be there for him and let him know you will never judge him, and he always has a safe place to go to. Don't let him get isolated! Always keep talking to him.

 

[dontajohnson]

@dadon In Canada, it’s not actually left up to the person who is abused to “press charges”. Once the report is made to the police, if they have enough evidence the abuser is charged. The victim can only decide whether or not to report the crime. This is to protect the victim from retribution from abuser for ‘pressing charges’

I really feel for your son. Society these days paints men only as perpetuators and it’s extremely rare to see any sympathy for male victims. He is struggling to see himself as a victim of abuse, because for so many, men can only ever be the bad guy.

Is this his first girlfriend? Is he awkward or shy? Is there some reason he thinks she is the only one for him?

I’d check out victim services in your area. Victims of DM almost always suffer from nonexistent to low self esteem.

Lastly, the instinct to push her away is strong. That’s what you want to do, but if you push her away you may push him away too.

I would tell your son point blank:
son, you are in an abusive relationship. This is not what love is. You need to leave her, at minimum. I want to support you. I am here for you, and I love you. While you are walking this path I will be here for you every step of the way. I WILL NOT ABANDON YOU TO HER. You deserve better, and when you’re ready to see it, come home. If you don’t want to come home, I will help you leave. Please don’t shut me out of your life, you can lean on me any time you need to. You are worthy.

It may take a long time. There may be times where the pain of watching someone you love so deeply accept mistreatment from someone supposed to love them gets really hard. Hopefully he comes to his senses soon. Big hugs.

 

[taz77777]

@dadon Report her to the police. Please, she needs to be taken care of by law enforcements.

 

[dadon]

@taz77777 I advised him to immediately get a restraining order. I guess he has pictures of the worse beating. I didn't ask to see them because I thought I would break down or go nuts if I did. He just doesn't want to even consider it :-(

 

[sagat4]

@dadon Report to police for assault. Not just a restraining order.

Criminal charges.

 

[taz77777]

@sagat4 Both a restraining order and report for assault may be necessary. She will be released from jail eventually, and then she needs to have a restraining order to prevent her from making contact with him when she is released.

 

[taz77777]

@dadon I will have to admit, I really didn't think it through when giving you the advice I did, and what I researched is that most victims of abuse do not report it to the police as it can make things worse. Unless there was first hand witness and perfect evidence of her abuse, she would not get instantly arrested, and so to press charges could anger her and lead to worse abuse. And of course just because she would get arrested and released with a restraining order doesn't mean she could not just break the restraining order. This is a really tough situation, and I am not certain what can be done other than continuously talking about it with your son and maybe getting other family members and maybe his friends to speak to him about it to try and convince him to leave his girlfriend. I wish you and your son luck and hope the conflict gets resolved.

 

[yellowbird12]

@dadon The problem isn’t your son’s girlfriend. She’s a monster…but you can’t go out and punch every monster your son interacts with. There are a ton of them.

Your son needs to move back in with you and he needs to find out the answer to the question “why do I think it’s ok for people to treat me like this?”

If he already has this somewhat answered and he just needs reinforcing, have him press charges on that crazy monster…

 

[dadon]

@yellowbird12 Great points. Thank you. I think that I will ask him to come home, and I am also going to strongly encourage him to press charges.