What to do? My son's g.f. is beating him up

[kpmasonry]

@dadon I think even more than pressing charges, which is important, I think encouraging your son having an introspective look on the matter and understanding why he didn’t leave the second she was violent with him is the most important think you can do for him.

Pressing charges - it’s more about getting a monster out of the street, which is highly appreciated

Having an introspective look - it’s for your son and will ensure he doesn’t repeat the same pattern or at least that he’s aware he’s doing it

 

[kpmasonry]

@yellowbird12 This is the best comment. OP THIS is the answer

 

[more4less]

@dadon I feel for you mom. My daughter was in a similar situation. Very abusive mentally and physically. She would tell me what was going on and my other kids would tell me about it too. I spoke to my daughter over and over again and even cried to her that I wanted her to leave this relationship and she didn't deserve it. I also told her that someone was going to end up hurt, in jail or worse killed. I couldn't sleep as a mom because I worried all the time. I had to put my foot down though and not have this person in my home. I didn't want someone who abused my child breathing the same air as me. I couldn't be fake. I hated this person because of what they were doing to my child. All I could do was be there for her and eventually she did leave. Just be there for your son. Be his safe place to fall and always be there to listen but you don't have to deal with this person who is abusing him. If you say that you don't want her in your home and if your son is close to you and your family he will feel what it's like to have to chose and most likely he won't choose an abusive person over his loving family.

Good luck mom. I feel for you.

 

[prayjazmine]

@dadon I see a lot of talk about pressing charges. You will push him away talking about this to him. He is not going to be rational about this because he is too close to the situation. You need to focus on getting him to realize this is not heathy first and get him to leave. Even if he never wants to press charges you need to be on with that. He loves her even if he shouldn’t.

 

[christianboy44]

@dadon Tell him that he needs to give her a choice to stop drinking or end their relationship. That way he can feel like he’s giving her an option but also find out where she stands. And if she chooses drinking over their relationship then it’ll make it easier for him to do what is necessary.

 

[thesensorystore]

@dadon Do not ban her, draw her in and keep her close. Part of an abusers tactics are to separate the target from their family. The support network (ie dad) need to know and be there continually reminding him he has you and that no conversations are off limits.

These people are very skilled at gaslighting and alienation.

It will cause untold long lasting damage to your son the longer he’s in this situation. Counselling is a good suggestion but you have to be willing to go at his pace however much it hurts you to be a ‘powerless bystander’

If you ever see her drink to a point where she gets in a car and drives, call it in. Same space to be away from a thoughtless criminal that’s prepared to put others lives at risk might be just what he needs.

I grew up in this and it’s tough. Get yourself some support too xx

 

[sagat4]

@dadon Make a new post about Christmas. Are you really going to have this person in your house and keep it a secret from your entire family.

Are you going to protect his abuser?

 

[sazbastein]

@dadon He needs to get out of this relationship before the worst case scenario of him being the one arrested for her behavior happens because thats statistically what will happen, especially if he’s bigger than her & especially if there’s not witnesses.

Keep your home very open to him & a lot of room for communication & support. You gotta make him want to come home. Hoping this works out well. Much love!

 

[mynameisjoe]

@dadon Gather all the information you can about abusive relationships, and make sure to include a bunch of info about men being in abusive relationships (unfortunately there's still a stigma that they shouldn't complain, that she's not as strong so it doesn't count blah blah). You need to show your son that he IS in an abusive relationship and that he needs to get out.

Then. And this is the hard part. He might still not leave her. Leaving an abusive spouse more often or not takes a while emotionally. So you need to let him know that no MATTER what, or when, you will be here. You will help him in whatever way he needs, and that you love him unconditionally. Really hammer in that when he's ready to leave, you will be there in an instant, no matter what.

If he doesn't leave right away, he also needs to make sure he is extremely careful with birth control. And that he can NOT trust her to be responsible for it in any way. Pregnancy trapping in abusive relationships is a very real thing, regardless of who's being abused.

As for letting her in your home. It's a complicated choice. You can make a stand, and not, and likely alienate your son (by her refusal to let him come without her, not your choices), or you can let her in, so that you can keep a closer eye on him. I honestly don't know which one I would choose.

And I guess a third option, which I don't really know the repercussions to, but you could call her out on her shite and put the "fear of God" into her.

 

[kgb52]

@dadon Coming from someone who was/is in the same situation as your son: please don’t just let it be. Don’t create ultimatums, like her or the family, but do not stop explaining to your son how much he is valued, loved and no one should be treating him like that. Make it clear that if he wanted out, he has a place to go and people to lean on. Get more involved with him. Meet for lunches, walks, football games - whatever it takes to just stay in contact, because he will eventually shut down or she will isolate him.

I went through the same situations with my college girlfriend. I reached out to family, and after an initial conversation it was dropped and I felt/feel like I’m on my own again. Fast forward… and we’ve been together for 23 years and I feel completely trapped in this situation for another decade thanks to poor self worth and no support.

 

[dadon]

@kgb52 I'm so sorry :-( What would it take for you to love yourself enough to leave? Please think about it.

 

[penninelady]

@dadon If he has witnesses and they are his friends, stage an intervention. He needs to know from them that they care about him and aren’t going to view him as a wuss - or worse - for admitting and reporting abuse. He can be vulnerable with you because you are mom, but it’s the opinions of the men in his life that he is probably most afraid of…even more than the abuse of this woman.

 

[didyousaysomething]

@dadon The best thing you can do is be there for him. Keep communication with him. Make sure he knows that he can always come home. Make sure he knows you’ll help him in any way you can.

Talk to him about other forms of abuse too. Controlling behaviors like limiting who he can talk to or when. Financial abuse. Verbal abuse. Emotional abuse. Escalation of abuse. These issues typically get progressively worse and more violent. Let him draw his own conclusions. Support him though and stay as close as you can with him.

 

[buggalugs]

@dadon Please please be very careful not to drive that wedge.

I went to my parents house with a black eye and my mom said “your father would beat his ass if he was here.” — my dad was in another state — and all this did was force me to avoid them until the bruising was gone.

Remind him he always has a safe place at home.

Remind him it’s not his fault.

Remind him CONSTANTLY that he is loved and wanted.

And follow through with actions. He doesn’t need your lecture or judgment. He needs a safe place to land softly.

 

[palesa]

@dadon be aware that if he calls the police on her in the middle of the fight, she will most likely turn it around and say he was beating her.

my sister was that person. she would go into blind rages when she drank. One time she put her hand through a glass door trying to hit her boyfriend. she didn't remember why they were fighting and she didn't realize how bad she had cut herself.

she was arrested at a later time for another incident. she got into a fight with her friend in a car and when the police pulled them over (she was the passenger) she started fighting with the cops. she doesn't really remember it. She went to jail and then into court ordered rehab.

your son needs therapy. He needs to realize he can't love her into being a better person. she needs to realize she has a problem. I don't know if you can change your christmas plans at this time but I would not be able to be around her. I don't know if you have the kind of relationship with her where you can have a heart to heart with her or not. sadly, addiction clouds all judgement.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I would be livid if someone was beating my child.

 

[dadon]

@palesa Her claiming to be the victim, is my worse fear. He is quite a bit bigger than her and I can just see her turning on the water works if cops came. I am absolutely furious, and feel broken at the same time. He has such a soft and tender heart. I just wish he could see how abnormal this is.

 

[sagat4]

@dadon He should just move home and break up with

 

[canuckister]

@dadon Love is blind
I think you should talk to your son one on one first to get his insight on it and it sounds like you are very level headed and can just communicate with him how you feel Ann voice your concerns.
Hopefully he will see sense when the honeymoon phase phases out.
L

 

[waterwalker4]

@dadon I think you should ask for advice from other abuse victims, and their families, that successfully got out, and have been healing. Maybe calling the cops is right, maybe it will isolate your son further. This will escalate.

 

[laceflower]

@dadon Ask ur son what would he do if it was u who was being abused by a drunken SO. Would he be ok with u being severely abused by a person who only does it when they are drunk. People these days are dying of just falling and hitting their head to hard. Going to sleep thinking it's fine, no big deal, only they don't wake back up. Sounds like he is getting hit in the head plenty. Let's not forget it kills brain cells I believe. Sorry to put this in ur head but it's what came to mind. This is a horrible situation for u both and I'm sorry u have to sit BK and just watch ATM unless the victim wants help. Best of luck and don't let up. Just be his guardian angel like us mothers are suppose to be. It's hard and it may get harder but he is worth it plus so much more. He's urs,part of u. Just breathe and keep on planning and hoping with plenty of patience for him. He'll figure it out eventually. Just be the guiding light and he will follow. Kill her with kindness as much as possible but with hard boundaries until something gives and he is free of the negatives. Again just breathe and think of steps needed for his well-being but also while respecting his thoughts. Can't lead a horse to water and expect them to drink right. All we can do is lay a good path and reach out to our little ones the best we can. I'm sure he has a good head on his shoulders he's just blind by infatuation and puppy love. He'll figure it out. Have faith in him.