What is it like going from 1-2 or 2-3 kids with 2 full time working parents?

[katrina2017]

@infomommax To give a bad prophecy— yeah, you don’t care about the professional stuff now, but what about in 10 years? What if you divorce or are widowed? How will you feel about making that sacrifice when you want to be further in your career than you are now?

If I could tell young me anything it would be that one kid is enough, and it’s fine to have a one and done.

 

[recuerdo]

@katrina2017 And to add to your good points, maybe this is what OP meant and I am misinterpreting their statement - if OP is happy with where they are in their career and have no desire or need to progress, that’s great! But they might backslide. Mentally, physically, time-wise, PTO-wise, kids can have a huge impact. You can easily go from best employee ever, always on top of it and outperforming, to exhausted, forgetful, unable to work overtime. Essentially all of the traits an employer hates.

I think employers need to give a lot more grace across the board (to parents and non-parents alike) for their workers to be human, but it’s really important to consider the reality of your own working environment and how humane your bosses are.

 

[itisi]

@infomommax We stopped at 2. 1-2 stretched me. I got really bad postpartum anxiety again. I lucked out that my job is so flexible—I could be honest with my director and she had me start off working completely remotely the first few weeks back to slowly transition (I’m usually hybrid). After a few weeks I went back to my regular hybrid schedule when I felt like I could. Lots of illness, at a lot younger ages than my first got sick, which meant the respiratory illnesses were way worse for my second—we ended up in urgent care at 11pm a couple times (thankfully never the ER but could easily have been). I’m not a baby person and never have been so the first year for both was really tough for me. After my youngest turned one I feel like things have gotten much better, but that’s just life in general, haha. I will say this: with my first I was actually ready to go back to work (at only 9 weeks; I didn’t qualify for FMLA or STD)—I needed the time away from her to start to feel like myself again and we had a lovely, reliable full time nanny. With my youngest I felt like I wanted at least 6 months of leave, but didn’t have that option (went back at 11 weeks). The second is easier because you know all the stuff. But harder because now there are 2 of them so it’s double the work. My husband and I now have our “default kids”—when we need to divide and conquer, we split up and he takes the oldest while I take the youngest. But I also love watching them play together (when they’re not fighting and screaming at each other) and when they make each other laugh it’s like everything is right in the world. They miss each other so much when they’re not together for a while. It’s so adorable.

TLDR: 1-2 was hard but awesome.

 

[millonreasons]

@itisi Thank GOD I only have one child. Two sounds like a nightmare.

 

[itisi]

@millonreasons In many ways, it was, for me. But once the intensity of that first year lets up a little… it’s also really really good. Depends on what you’re good at. I HATE the newborn/infant stages. I LOVE the ages of about 15 months to 2.5. And I’m loving age 4-5 with my oldest… seriously looking forward to when my kids are 4 and 6 and 5 and 7 and 6 and 8. I feel like those will be the golden years when we can have movie nights all together and play games and actually have fun on family vacations. family of 4 is the perfect size for us. Just had to go through a little personal hell to get there, lol.

 

[trucker1]

@infomommax We have 3 ... we didn't plan on #3 but he is here. I found going from 1-2 harder than 2-3.

We both work full time and have limited family around. I have read some people's concerns, and here is what I have found works for us.

• Dentist and medical appointments are often scheduled as a group. I may be out for longer but they are back to back or at the same time which helps with the running around.
• The mental obviously grows in some ways, but there are consistancies. Ie in 2nd grade, they take x field trip; they are eligible for x sport. In 4th grade, they need a white t-shirt (even though its not listed on the supply list). You start to understand what to expect after the 1st and are prepared.
• I (and the other moms) joke that the multiple sports schedules are going to drive us crazy. But we have developed relationships with these parents. We learn from the more experienced moms. We help each other out and we ALWAYS share snacks (seriously sharing snacks will make another moms day). When the time comes these relationships will help us juggle the sports schedules. We are all aware we will depend on each other.
• As for work sick days; we are very fortunate that I work from home. Around age 3 or so; I can easily work with a sick kid present.
• Money. The reality is that #1 got things that number #2 & #3 don't. We have plenty to go around, but when the amount increases, sometimes it becomes frivolous. That $25 stuffed animal at the zoo is now $75. In reality, we probably did too much for #1 as she had way too much stuff.

 

[kitcatrn]

@infomommax For us going from 1 to 2 felt more like going from 1 to 3. Everything felt more chaotic, it was much harder for one person to watch both (esp since the older was a dry active toddler at that point), and Illnesses hit us hard. While it’s great that they have each other in many ways there is constant arguing and split attention. Envy is a constant companion and something we constantly try to prevent. It’s really fucking hard.

Financially it was also a major hit. 2 kids in a not crazy fancy daycare ran us nearly 24k per year in a MCOL area. Even now that they are in elementary school the costs for after school and summer school runs us 18k per year (to say nothing of date nights and other childcare).

I have absolutely no idea how people have more than 2. We have friends who have 5 and they accidentally forgot their toddler outside one day when we came for a play date. I feel like that would be me with that many - just too overwhelmed to keep track of them all

 

[kimmyk401]

@infomommax I went from 1-2 and ended up quitting full time to do freelance work in my field for 4 years, then just went back to full time 9 months ago.

I’ll say that daycare is so much easier in that they have extended hours and fewer “days closed” than the school year.

My kids are 4 years apart which was perfect in that older son was more self sufficient and more patient with the baby/toddler. I love that.

What I didn’t love was juggling a school schedule AND daycare schedule. The closures and calendar and open hours did not line up. That part is a huuuuge headache for working parents.

And school … ugh. The hours are shorter than daycare. And so many little days off here and there (ex: closed Sept 24-25 and Oct 19-20, plus about 15-20 more days closed until end of year June!!)

So be willing to cough up cash for before/after care, and plans for allllll those non-school days (!!)…. and mom guilt cuz his/her friends’ mom or parent may not work full time.

I’d say only half his friends have moms that work full time. So he often compares or sometimes complains… “Jack’s mom took him to a water park on Friday’s school closure” or “Ethan’s family rented a cabin during the long four -day weekend”. (Not their real names)

When it’s daycare, their brains and language aren’t developed enough to speak up. But that will definitely change as they get older … for better, and for worse.

So navigating all those things… plus different sports schedules (!!)… with two kids … is a huge challenge.

It’s hard when they’re age 0-5, but even harder once they both have school, have strong opinions, have homework, have sports, have friendship drama, etc. It’s less labor in terms of diapers, carrying them, sleep deprivation … but so much more mental labor and social calendar labor.

 

[crustyfrog]

@infomommax I didn’t notice a huge difference going from 1-2 and then 2-3 but our first two are Irish twins, so that’s probably why (we just only had one for such a short period, and she was a nicu baby so it was actually only 9ish months between her coming home and delivering my second).

We found a very affordable daycare and I worked a job I can flex my hours so I’d be in office 10-5 and then work some at night or on the weekend. My third came to work with me or I worked remotely for the first 7 months then went to daycare.

I will say that our oldest just went in to kindergarten and I passed the bar last year. Now that I’m working a lot more my husband has switched to a part time job and works around 20 hours a week at night and we’ve taken our younger two out of care.

We also have a flock of ducks, two geese and a dog.

 

[sifiso]

@crustyfrog Wow! Congrats on passing the bar with three kids and ducks!

 

[crustyfrog]

@sifiso Thank you! We had a smaller flock last year so it was a lot less work. My husband added about 8 ducks and the geese this spring so I think we have 12 ducks total now (duck math is real).

 

[sefo]

@infomommax Me and my husband we’re always aligned that we’d stop at 2. I genuinely don’t understand how people could go through the transition of 1-2 and then do 2-3. I know logically everyone has different experiences, some people long to go through the baby phase again but i’m not one. While i’ll miss this phase I can’t wait for my kids to be 4 and 6.

I found going from 1-2 to be incredibly hard. My 2nd is now 13mons and i’d say it took a full year for my oldest to fully adjust to his sibling. There was definitely milestones along the way but I can finally seem it feel settled in our new life.

Going from 1-2 completely rocked my marriage. We’re a lot better now but I found him to constantly push things on me, especially on my mat leave. The more I struggled to understand the logistics of 2, the further our relationship pushed away. He didn’t get it bc he wasn’t the one going through it. Plus his parents had 4 under 5 at one point, so there was that constant comparison.

Again things are much better now and I anticipate as my younger one becomes more of a toddler/older one becomes more of a kid - things will get easier in some ways and harder in others.

Note: my kids are exactly 2.5yrs apart and my older one was 2.5 when we had our 2nd

 

[littlegrain]

@infomommax I’m a nurse so the schedule is different. I work with many nurses with 3-5 children. Only way it works is because shift work is flexible. Night shift, weekend and part time are possible. I think 9-5 with multiple kids is really hard. Unless you have a network of friends and family plus babysitters and help in general. I have a 10 month old and I’m part time. My husband is full time. We want a second and I think that will be the max. I’m 39 and he is 36 and time isn’t on our side. If I had started earlier maybe I would have more.

 

[gsplismylife]

@infomommax I only have one child and only plan to have one child. Part of me still wishes I could have two but my husband and I and our marriage couldn't possibly handle it. I grew up in a large family and I never wanted that. Two was always an absolute max because there was never enough of anything when we were growing up. Not enough time, attention, or money. We didn't really get to do sports or activities because getting all of us to our individual things was impossible. Instead of one kid having to give something up we all had to give it up to make it fair. So basically the only thing we ever had was each other. I think we fought a lot too because we resented each other for our parents being overstretched. I just don't think it would be best for any of my children if I pushed past two.

 

[amandawr]

@gsplismylife Wow your childhood sounds like mine, and I proclaim to be “one and done” for that same reason.

People love to chime in and say, “she needs a sibling!” To which I say, “no, she needs a happy mom, who is not resentful, and can give her resources - time, attention, and material resources!”

 

[copelasm]

@infomommax We stopped at 2. Emotionally I would have loved a 3rd, but logistically speaking it would have put our two existing children at a disadvantage.

 

[infomommax]

@copelasm That is how I feel!

 

[katrina2017]

@infomommax I can't offer any experience, but I can offer solidarity. We are looking to try for #2 in May. I wanted 2-3, 2 being if 3 would strain us financially or I felt like I couldn't be a present parent for another.

I feel like I have the capacity to handle 2, but I'm much more apprehensive as to if I feel like we can juggle 3.

 

[infomommax]

@katrina2017 That’s exactly how I feel. Even if we can afford 3 (idk it will be tough, especially because of the vehicle situation) I think that two would allow us to do more of the things we’d like in life, and be able to take our kids on more adventures.

Plus I have a feeling it would be constant stress for a minimum of 3-4 years after the third is born.

 

[syrak]

@infomommax Going from 1-2 kids was honestly a breeze BUT my husband was also taking his 12 weeks paid parental leave intermittently, so he only worked 2 days a week. I actually never went back to my old job and started a new one at 7 weeks postpartum. He went back to work full time a few weeks ago but he also only works 4 days a week. I dropped down to part time and now only work 4 days a week and we offset our days off so we only need childcare 3 days a week.