@scottwilson My daughter is 15 with ADHD. Her younger NT sister (12) cooks for the family sometimes as she seems to enjoy it but 15 year old always has an excuse not to.
One good thing is that she hyperfocuses on certain foods. Currently it's overnight oats which is very healthy. Previously it was smoothies. She prepares these herself including buying ingredients.
We eat together as a family every night and my husband and I alternate cooking dinner.
15 year old eats a hot lunch at school. My husband gives her a snack when she gets home at around 4 or she helps herself to a snack. We eat dinner at 8-8.30 (normal in our country).
The most important thing for us has been to have plenty of reasonably healthy snacks available for both kids. For example, yoghurt, kefir, fruit, their favourite cheeses, crackers, not too sweet cookies. We also have treat foods for dessert after dinner quite often like ice cream or chocolate.
What I suggest you do, that we are already doing, is to have set meal times. It’s part of the culture here
breakfast: he used to have cereals now he prefers me to make bircher muesli (all kinds of fruits chopped up really small, mixed with oats, nuts and seeds and yoghurt. A batch lasts 3 days)
lunch is a hot meal at school. He has a card for it that I top up generously so that he doesn’t worry that he goes hungry He made friends with the canteen ladies and gents and they feed him double portions, bless them
afternoon snack: we always have fruit, yoghurts, a bit of chocolate
for dinner, which always happens at the same time I batch cook soup, casseroles, pies, stews, any dish that can be reheated two days later so that we can alternate.
Our issues
the kid just doesn’t understand the role of carbs / starches in his diet. If we have meat + veggies + bread he’ll ignore the bread and be furious at me for going hungry. Solutions: fresh bread I buy on the way home or starches in the meal
he eats for 3
he wants variety but doesn’t take initiative to help me shop, pick out recipes etc
What he does well
he definitely cooks for himself. If I’m not going to be home for dinner time, we have the agreement that I send him the instructions on whatsapp. Or he does the very obvious things like pasta
he does have a balanced diet with lots of vegetables and fruit
Where I stand today: I recently recognized that it’s better for me to cook more than let the kid snack. I remember when I was his age, there was literally nothing to eat at home so I got into the habit of buying donuts on the way home. It wasn’t healthy at all
Let me teach you my favorite French expression: il vaut mieux l’avoir en photo qu’en pension. Rough translation: I’d be better off just keeping a photo of him rather than providing him full board (because it would be cheaper)
@scottwilson There are plenty of adults who struggle with feeding themselves adequately. This isn’t solely a teen problem. Try meal planning and batch cooking and have your son help you do it. So on the weekend you can make a big pot of rice and/or pasta. Make some plain chicken breasts or thighs that can then be individually seasoned or sauced as desired. Every couple of days steam some veggies to add to your refrigerator stash. Then also keep sandwich fixings on hand as well. For breakfast, you can make all sorts of eggs that will keep for a few days (baked or coddled eggs, mini frittatas, etc) or overnight oats. Having instant oatmeal available with toppings is great too. Group things in the pantry together so that it’s easy to pull out everything needed for one meal type. It’s one thing for your son to know how to cook single recipes and another thing to consistently plan meals 24/7. Be patient and guide him. Do it along with him at first so he gets the hang of things. You wouldn’t expect him to be able to just learn to drive a car or to create a household budget without instruction and oversight. This situation is the same. And comparing to other kids isn’t helpful. We all have different capabilities and skills that come more or less easily to us. TLDR: this is a skill like any other that you’re going to have to demonstrate and teach him without judgement and excoriation.
@scottwilson Same. I’ve just started letting them deal with the consequences of their laziness. Eat or go hungry, but don’t take it out on me. And if you eat all the junk food, enjoy feeling like crap. I’m not buying any more until the next time I shop.
Also, make healthy snacks easily accesible (it’s helpful for me too) like string cheese, easy to grab fruits and veggies, etc.
At some point they have to make their own choices, but they don’t get to be assholes to you when they make bad decisions.
@scottwilson I cook a good home cooked dinner every single night and when I go to bed I lock our pantry that has everything except fruit, crackers and fridge items in it. So if they’re hungry in the middle of the night… their options are fruit / veggies / cheese/ milk / lunch meat & bread, yogurt, nuts
@scottwilson My 15 year old makes herself scrambled eggs and rice regularly. She'll make herself mac and cheese. She'll heat up pre-made lasagna. She'll bake cookies and brownies. She makes herself ramen and canned soup. Once in a great while she'll put together a fruit salad. She also gets angry when she's hungry and refuses to acknowledge that it's hunger. But, basically, if she doesn't want to eat any of the 5 things I offered then she can take her hanger to her room or deal with it herself.
@scottwilson it just takes some maturing. my son is 19 1/2 & eats so much, but he cooks most of that himself. i think him moving out on his own for college really helped. he just moved back a couple months ago cuz he’s doing a study abroad soon. he cooks a giant breakfast for himself every morning & gets lunch at work or school usually. i cook dinner like 3-4 times a week. your son will get there. let him fend for himself more often. he’s prob getting used to you catering to him (i know it’s hard not to )
@scottwilson Interesting topic, my kids are ages 15 and 17 and I like making them food, it never bothers me. I want them to eat healthful meals and know if they fix themselves something to eat, it won't be balanced. I always ask them if they want food, it's my pleasure to cook for them. I love to cook and I'm happy to have them here at home with me. I know I will be sad when they move out so I don't mind it. Sometimes they get involved and I teach them how to cook. Hoping this pays off one day and they can cook for themselves. I know this drives my husband crazy cause he sees me in the kitchen all day long, but I honestly don't mind,
He made friends with the canteen ladies and gents and they feed him double portions, bless them