Well it happened

[jc4me]

talking about loss
The comments about another don’t happen often to me thankfully.

For context I had two early miscarriages and a stillbirth. That’s when I found out I had a 5% chance of carrying to full term. After that we chose to create embryos and used a gestational carrier. It took 3 transfers to get our daughter. We have 1 left but decided instead of draining ourselves financially to where I’d have to work full time , that we’d stick with 1 to provide a comfortable life for her and us.

So fast forward. We were looking at travel trailers and the sales guy comes up to us. He asks about our daughter and says he has a 16m old. Asks if we were going to have more. We said no she’s our one and only. Then he says something about having another , we’ll want one eventually ect ect ….

Sometimes I feel I should have a comment to these people that makes them very uncomfortable so they think about what they say to others.

 

[thenazarene]

@jc4me I'm all about making them uncomfortable. I'm an open book at this point about why I can't have any more children, so I'm more than happy to share the details about my endometriosis, emergency laparotomy, and premature menopause. If they want to be in my business, I will let them

 

[jc4me]

@thenazarene That’s same with me haha
I want to say something so outrageous that they just sit and not know what to say

 

[lidalulu]

@jc4me "My first three are dead." Make eye contact. Do not break it.

 

[jc4me]

@lidalulu Haha yes straight to the point. That’s actually a good one

 

[eaglegal]

@jc4me “Oh you’re having another? I wish I had that option”

 

[paulv81]

@jc4me FWIW, I’m all about making people that choose to pry into a complete stranger’s family planning uncomfortable, especially when it’s accompanied by unsolicited advice. This is not a good small talk topic and it’s time they stopped thinking it is.

 

[deeerek07]

@paulv81 I’m the same way. People should know not to pry. I hope by making them uncomfortable it teaches them a lesson like it did me once.

 

[hudonlad]

@jc4me I truly believe the only reason adults feel the need to tell us to have more is because they are jealous. For a lot of folks being one and done was not an option (or they felt it wasn't). I'm not saying they hate their kiddos or anything, I'm saying a lot of people conform to community pressures with a lot of stuff and get supper angry when they see others making choices based on their own wants and needs.

 

[jc4me]

@hudonlad Definitely can see that yes! I know most are overwhelmed with multiples. They see those with one living a lot easier (most of the time) and yea get a little jealous.
I leave my friends house feeling so anxious haha she has two and is pregnant with #3. She was an only child , so not sure if that has an affect.
I have 2 siblings I’m not close with at all. One I completely cut out of my life. Semi difficult childhood. But my husband being an only child is really close with his parents and had a great childhood.

 

[hudonlad]

@jc4me I have one sister with a nine year age difference. We are super close. I definitely am so happy with being one and done by choice and luckily I haven't had anyone question this (yet lol!) I've definitely had ppl ask but they are super understanding. I'm guessing it's because we live in a very liberal place with a pretty high cost of living idk

 

[jc4me]

@hudonlad I’m in Southern California lol so you’d think people would understand more here especially with the cost

 

[daughterofaking]

@jc4me Make it super uncomfortable. Just start crying and walk away. People will think about this late at night years to come and keep them awake.

 

[jc4me]

@daughterofaking I kind of love this haha but I’d love to say something and then fake cry walking away

 

[daughterofaking]

@jc4me Tear up “I… I CAAANT!” Run away crying

 

[ayen57]

@jc4me What a moron. Sales is one field where you don't want to show your ass by making tone deaf assumptions, it will be very quickly reflected in your paycheck. This sounds like the type of salesperson where a minority or single mom walks in and he starts telling them what kind of travel trailer they can afford.

If you want to say something more power to you. It doesn't have to be elaborate. You can just say, "We're not able to have more actually and it's kind of a sensitive subject, thanks for asking." (I understand "not able" is all relative but in this case I think you are entitled to use the phrase. Clearly there are significant medical and financial barriers.)

On the plus side a sales person shouldn't have to lose more than one sale over a stupid remark to get the memo.

 

[jamescen]

@jc4me I am always very honest with people when they ask if I’m gonna have more. I told him how it took us five years to get the one we have and at that rate I will be in my 40s by the time we have another, and they never pushed back on that.

 

[abraham7777]

@jamescen Unfortunately when I cite fertility issues/IVF and my age, some people have the audacity to tell me "you never know, you might get pregnant again" and "my sister's neighbor's coworker got pregnant at 45 by accident!" Never mind that I have 5 embryos and just don't want a second.

 

[striker427]

@jc4me If it’s a guy I always quote Rachel: no uterus, no opinion

 

[sodimanalu]

@jc4me Absolutely you should! People need to learn that it’s not okay to dictate other people’s reproductive choices.

When people out in public start in with this shenanigans with me, I get very blunt. I tell them about how I almost hemorrhaged to death and that if I have another, I’m likely to have another much larger hemorrhage due to my particular set of circumstances (history of hemorrhage, c-section, history of having a very large baby, etc).

It usually gets them quiet and apologetic VERY quickly.