We have everything working smoothly now... should we rock the boat or be OAD?

[chisel]

Our LO is 12 months old soon, and we are coming up to when we could, if we wanted, start trying again. (The 2 yr gap reccomended after a caesar). I turn 36 this year, so I wouldn't want to delay too long if that was the decision we made.

My SO and I have perhaps slightly different reasons for hesitation. I am mainly concerned about environmental and overpopulation issues, which I had before deciding to have LO1. I feel like maybe I can justify 2, replacement rate. SO has the same concerns but he also worries about the effect of a second on our lifestyle.

I was extremely anxious before LO was born about my ability to cope with motherhood. Then I had an emergency caesar needing a b lynch suture after a failed induction and LO ended up being transferred to a tertiary hospital with a pneumothorax. Less than 2 weeks later I was back in hospital on IV ABX for post partum endometritis. Breastfeeding was excruciating for the first 6 weeks with what I thought was thrush but turned out to be low grade mastitis. I went back to work 1 day a week at 8 weeks, but by the time LO was 4 months old I had started working FIFO again. I'm still breastfeeding, working 1.5 days for 3 weeks and then a week remote. My anxiety about my ability to cope has been somewhat assuaged. Perhaps I am overconfident though.

However LO is only 12 months, but we do know that he is a very active baby. Trys to get into the oven, the dishwasher, crawls straight out the front door at high speed. Still wakes 2 or 3 times many nights. We predict he might be a bit of a terror as a toddler! So taking that chance, of a newborn and a difficult 2 yr old, is potentially risky.

There are also other effects - for instance my work situation now is pretty good. A boring city job three weeks, an exciting stressful remote job 1 week. Very flexible understanding employers (what's the word for someone who hires a subcontractor?).at both ends. Good money. I doubt I could manage to be away 1 week in 4 with 2 babies, although of course if the genders were swapped no-one would think it was unusual. Luckily my SO can take 3 months paid parental leave and almost unlimited unpaid. He took 6 months at half pay for LO and it was really good.

My SO has a younger brother, and they didn't get on until my SO moved countries. Wheras I was an only. He doesn't really think having a sibling is that great, wheras I had a lot of social difficulties and loneliness, plus now I am dealing with two aging separated parents by myself. So I look back and wonder if it would have been easier with a sibling.

I'm hoping some outside perspective will help. Time isn't pressing exactly, but I'm not getting any younger, and I certainly wouldn't want to have a baby over 40. So 2022,23,24 I think is the limit.

 

[manishk012]

@chisel Okay so my personal experience is that 18m-3years was much harder than 0-18m. At 12m you’re probably not sure how difficult the toddler years are going to be for you but they do get so much more demanding. At some point they grow up and are no longer content with doing simple things like playing with household objects or even toys. They want you to play with them and take them out all the time. Oh and they start sleeping way less so you have less time during the day for yourself.

I know a lot of people who have had a 2 year age gap and who have found it extremely difficult so wouldn’t recommend it. However I know that time is not on your side (no offence). If it were me I’d wait until your boy is maybe 2 and a half before trying to get pregnant. That way he will be over 3 by the time the baby comes and things will be more manageable.

Obviously all anecdotal advice there.

 

[christinak]

@manishk012 True about how they seem so sweet at a year, and then become toddlers . I think this is why the two year age gap is so common. They trick us!!!

Mine are 21 months apart (got pregnant again at 12 months pp).
Hoooonestly it just depends on your kids with respect to how it goes. My first is quite demanding, always has been. My second is the absolute chillest baby around, so actually the transition has been very smooth so far
My second is 6 months, for context.

We feel like BAM ok we're done the baby phase now, moving on. It went by so fast! I guess we'll have to see how the double toddler phase goes, but I'm truthfully excited for them to (hopefully!!) play together so that it's not always mommy or daddy that need to play.

The hardest part was being pregnant with the toddler and feeling like I was too tired to play..it made me so sad.

But now, onwards and upwards.

I will say it does make it harder to get out (coordinating a baby-sitter to watch 2 kids vs 1). We feel like we haven't been able to get out much since the second was born. So your husband is right about that in the short term...but this too shall pass.

If you're feeling a pull to have a second, I'd really dig deep on that. Just realize you'd really be getting into "family life" vs being a couple with a kid. You gotta know what it is you want with life. For us, it was family life. But as my cousin said, the world is really made for a family of four. I think once you get into 3-kid territory it gets a lot more difficult to get out!

 

[katrina2017]

@manishk012 It's funny, I've heard a lot of people say similar things but for us having a toddler has been so much more fun than a baby. We didn't even consider another until he hit 18m and then we started to feel like he's so fun maybe we could do this again. He was also a very active baby, could climb onto the counter before he could walk but I don't feel like he's that crazy of a toddler. Yes he can be a lot to keep up with but wow he is SO FUN. Every day is my new favorite age. To be fair, he was a terrible baby who was diagnosed with colic.

 

[manishk012]

@katrina2017 I thought about this some more and tbf I think that covid has actually played a huge part in the 18m-3y age being hard for me. We were in some kind of lockdown from 12m-30m so that’s probably why!

 

[anonbeliever]

@chisel One observation from your post - I don’t see you say anywhere that you want another kid.

You seem to be approaching this from the perspective of weighing your fears having another kid (overpopulation, active baby, job) against the fears of not having another kid (loneliness, caring for parents). While it’s important to be realistic with ourselves when thinking through the options, I do think that the decision to have a kid should be about what it is that you truly want and what you believe will make you happier as a parent and as a family. All I know about you is what you wrote here, but I’m a little concerned that what you actually want may be taking a back seat to managing your fears.

You mentioned that you struggled with anxiety before having a baby. I am not a therapist but it seems like you may still be struggling with anxious feelings. I think it would be beneficial to work through these feelings with a therapist. This is a big decision and you want to make sure your making it for the right reasons.

 

[chisel]

@anonbeliever It's interesting that how I wrote didn't explicitly state why I want another baby. In some ways, the feeling of wanting a second is as powerful or more so than the feeling before I decided to try for number one. I have really enjoyed discovering and looking after LO, and want to be able to discover another little person. I never had baby fever before LO was born, but now I have a little bit of baby fever.

I have spent already quite a lot of time and money on therapy and my anxiety at the moment is about as well controlled as it gets.

What has become much more clear to me in the few days since wrting the post however is that our relationship probably isn't in a good enough position to be even asking the question. I wonder if at a subconscious level that might be driving my actions, trying to create more intimacy. Anyway, although I haven't really gained any clarity about wanting a second, I have done enough reflection to realise to leave well enough alone.

 

[family1stdad]

@chisel I am 38 and have a toddler who will be 2.5 in April, and am in the same boat as you trying to figure out whether to have a second. I am more concerned about my health and the health of the baby if we make the plunge. First pregnancy was a breeze, but delivery was a bit long and difficult. I feel like after having her my body isn’t quite what it was hormonally and physically, so I’m afraid a second pregnancy or delivery could be not as smooth. Hopefully I am just overthinking this! An age gap of 3 years seems like I could personally handle better since my first is already becoming more independent and enrolled in a daycare school part time.

 

[chosenremnant]

@chisel I tend to be the type who thinks, 'Why rock the boat if things are already working smoothly?'. I wish to acknowledge all your concerns here, as they are all valid. Your husband has financial concerns, and finances are a common source of stress... and divorce. If things turn out badly, it would then affect 4 people, instead of being a non-issue for the 3 of you at the moment.

Climate change and the environment - I'm on board with you on this 100%. Even if your child turned out to be someone who can wave a magic wand and save the earth, that won't happen for another 30 years. It would be much quicker for you to ditch your career and retrain as a climate scientist yourself! IMHO, it is much easier, and better to improve things for people already in existence. However, if you think loneliness might be an issue, work hard on playdates and friendships. While it is not a guarantee that siblings will fight, it is fairly common. If playdates do this, you can send them home, or even choose a better friend if it is really bad. You can't do that with a sibling!

And, caring for aging parents is definitely not easier with siblings. There might be certain expectations as to who is to look after them, which may or may not be reflected in the will. X sacrifices years of their life, but gets nothing extra, or is 'over-compensated' in the eyes of sibling. And the arguments over who gets Mum's china or Dad's piano at a time when siblings should be united... I know, I've had to deal with it.

However, this is my take. If ultimately you want another child, only you two can make that decision.

 

[katrina2017]

@chisel I anticipated having another but the stuff going on all over the place - pandemic, war, gas issues, housing crisis, exorbitant education and healthcare costs, and naturally - global warming made me realize one is a secure number. We might reconsider at some point, but two adults can (usually) easily manage one child. Where as being unnumbered can be stressful. I lament the possibility of a big family, but realistically I’m not team figure it out. Also, toddlerhood is more demanding, imo. I enjoy it more personally, but definitely takes up more resources. Maybe wait until your daughter is older?

 

[lonelione]

@chisel I am in the thick of where you would be in a few years, if you have a second. My two kids are 3.5 and 1.5, born almost exactly two years apart. I can tell you that right now, its pretty hard and sometimes I think back to when we just had one kid and how *easy* that was!

Having a second has had lots of ebbs and flows. In some ways, the first 6-9 months with Baby #2 was pretty easy - yes, you're sleep deprived but they aren't mobile, or trying to be independent, or getting on Kid #1's nerves yet. 9 months and on with two kids has been more fun but also harder. And now with a full-on toddler and a preschooler, its great but also, I'm wiped (and that's with having part-time childcare).

I know we'll eventually get to a place where its not this hard, but not only do you re-set the clock with a second (back to timing outings with multiple naps, and a million diapers, and now you have *two* kids to wrangle into coats and shoes), but you also introduce a new relationship (between the kids) that evolves and changes and is sometimes lovely and sometimes really tricky/frustrating/exhausting. Also, your relationship with your first kid will require active attention and nurturing since they're no longer the only child around, and their world is totally rocked by a new sibling.

That said, I think age gap is a huge factor. If I could do it again and get the same second kid, a 3-year gap would probably have been better for us. More time 1:1 with our first, her being older and more independent when a second arrives, understanding more about what's happening, etc. But every age gap has pros and cons.

No one can tell you what the right answer for you is. But someone else makes a good point about making sure you actually *want* another child in your family for a reason other than for giving your son a sibling. Sibling relationships can turn out a million ways and there's no guarantee they will get along as adults.

We knew we always wanted two kids, and I hear that things really get easier when your youngest is 4/5/6ish, so we are playing the long game here (lol). But its smart of you to really consider whether you want to shake up your current situation, or if having one kid is right for you. And know that having one child is TOTALLY okay (https://medium.com/spiralbound/the-only-kids-are-alright-a8f0b82e0d15)!

 

[ogeletarip]

@lonelione Just out of curiosity what is the age gap you have now? I am starting to ponder what age gap I would like between my first and second (if I do decide to have a second). Due to my age 3 years might be complicated but I could aim for a 2.5 year gap.

 

[lonelione]

@ogeletarip There’s 23 months between my two.

I’m in this sub because we are contemplating a third, and 2.5 years is (personally) the smallest I’d want between #2 and 3, but I have a bit of time in terms of my age. If I didn’t, a 2.5 year gap would still be quite a bit easier of an age gap than 2 imo.

 

[rufus]

@chisel You have a pretty long list about all the cons. Try to see if you can find pros that make it worth having a second child. As a mother of an only child, I'll try my best to make sure that my husband and I will have the economic resources to go through our last years without our daughter having to worry about taking care of us. Having a sibling isn't a guarantee that you'll get along or be companions through adulthood. Maybe they'll be best friends, maybe they'll have completely different personalities and interests.
Do you really want to be the mother of another child or do worry about getting a lifelong companion for your kid?