angelaballentine
New member
New account, new start I guess,…
Warning,… Life story. Might be a long, non-sensical read.
Today I think is Day 1. - I think the purpose of this is just to clear my mind and reach out to absolutely anyone who’s listening.
I’m a proud dad to 3 amazing boys, 13yrs, 11yrs and 8yrs. They are here now, at mine, chilling, without a clue what’s been going on for the last 6 months. One of the things I agree on with the now Ex is that they should not be affected in any way by what’s been going on between us, at least till we figure things out. “Ok kids, this is what’s happening, here’s the answers to all of your questions,…” So far it’s been very amicable.
Right,… the backstory. - I’m sorry for going back so far but I feel some bits are relevant.
In 1989 (far back enough?) I was 7yrs old. I left the young life I knew in England and travelled with my parents overseas, following my dad who was assigned an overseas promotion, with a company he had been with since leaving secondary education. What was supposed to be a 2yr appointment turned into 10 years living in a multi-cultural far away land, where I experienced many fantastic childhood memories.
I finished secondary school with some pretty good exam results, World at my feet, so at 16 and a half,… decided for some reason to leave the life I knew and return to the U.K., where I joined the British Armed Forces. It took around 6 to 9 months from enlisting to basic training starting. Living abroad so long they seemed to need do extra vetting and stuff. (1998/99)
I loved being in the Military. I’d lived overseas for so long, I didn’t really know anyone in England so I immediately had many many new brothers and sisters to mix with. 7 years of domestic and overseas tours flew by and I progressed up a few ranks and was able to start picking my next posts instead of the Div. Officer telling me to be here by this time for this draft for this length of time, etc,… I was lucky enough to be picked for a draft close to where I had actually grown up. It was a University Training Centre and Reservists Centre and my role would be to assist teaching reservists and potential officers on University bursaries the arts of warfare, lol, so when they went to their training schools, they weren’t starting from scratch. I went from living with 300+ people to living on my own, in a city I vaguely remembered, but mixing with the Uni students out of hours was a blast and we would all hang out at socials throughout the week. They would teach me drinking games,… I would teach them drinking games,… much fun and foolishness was had by all. It was during this draft I met my now Ex.
At the time I didn’t know she would be my Ex. At the time I didn’t think I’d see her again. But I did. Lots. We dated non-stop and within a year, she fell pregnant. We immediately threw together a wedding, bought a house, I did a quick few months overseas, plugging a few holes due to operational shortfalls, back in time to s.s.s. and drive her to the delivery room. Life was good and as boy number 2 came along, my draft was coming to an end and I was facing the then daunting reality that I’d need to go back to a large operational unit, worst case overseas, best case - weekend husband and father. So I decided to PVR and after 10yrs service, I was a civilian. Now when leaving the U.K. Armed Forces, you need to submit your intention to leave, 12 months ahead of time. It’s so they have time to replace the gap you leave with a new recruit and everyone moves up a rank/position to replace the gap you left,… So I submitted to leave in ’08, leaving in ’09… meaning I left literally a weekend before the World’s economy basically shat itself for want of a better term.
So here I am, young family, responsibilities,… loving life but worried about the future, when my Dad, still abroad, invites us to join him for a holiday. Off we went, sunshine on our backs, whilst I’m checking constantly the shit show we’d be facing back in England. My problems we’re short lived though when through a friend of my Dad, who had told his friend I was out there visiting after leaving the Forces, offered me a junior management position based on my leadership skills, discipline and basically being a bloody good friend to my Dad. Found an apartment, found kids a school, the adventure begins,…
As time went by I was thriving,… living the absolute dream,… then around 4 years ago, a friend and I decided we should maybe start a small, far too niche company, in an environment that’s forward thinking and open to new ideas, as long as it’s what everyone else is doing. I put the family at risk in a foreign country by leaving a secure job to follow a pipe dream. The dream failed dramatically when 3 potential investors all pulled out in a 2 week period. I was up shit creek. I found freelance work and struggled to pay bills,… I’d work a 14 hours day then come home and just either fight or sleep. She would say stuff. I would say stuff. It was unpleasant to say the least, but never aggressive or anything like that. We’d make up for a few days, then start again. Another opportunity came up in 2017 and by this time we needed a change. The one thing she begged was that we’d stay together and that I wouldn’t send her packing back to the U.K. whilst I moved even further away and began figuring the new job out.
She was all in with me.
It didn’t go to plan.
So summer 2017 begins with Ex and boys needing to hop back to U.K. to renew passports. It would be also an opportunity for her family to see the 3 boys who they hadn’t seen for a long time. Few weeks then they would join me. I was flying into an extended stopover to meet investor, before flying onwards to final destination, having secured some additional start up funds. Once there, I’d sort everything out, Ex and kids fly out and start a fresh. I made it as far as the stopover meeting. I knew something was up when ahead of the main meeting, I was called the night before to meet informally in the hotel lobby bar. At first I thought it was fine and that it would be a tension breaker ahead of the meet. I’d limit myself to sparkling water, but have a beer only if he was having one, really over thought it all,… Get downstairs and greeted by his ‘advisor’ and ‘accountant’ who were both related to each other. After some frank and shady questions they offer 3 times the money, but want it channelled from here there and everywhere, to not go to the meeting the following day, to communicate only to them two with gmail and hotmail accounts,… Anyway, after much deliberation, I declined their offer, which of course funnily enough equated in my meeting the following day being cancelled at the 11th hour somehow. So I fly back to the U.K. I had no choice. At this point I loaned money for my flight and a few months expenses. It was now the school summer holidays.
So here we are, all in England again, no work, no direction, no security,… we rent a house in a very rural village, kids get sorted with schools, off they go on their first day, out the door, “bye mum, bye dad” then the arguments start. till 3:30pm when they get home. Literally it went on like this for weeks. Money was running out, all I could do was go lease a van and go self employed as a courier. I picked up a few jobs but it wasn’t great money. I mean we could eat, we could pay rent and make bill payments, but that’s it. We were trapped almost in this tiny village where we knew no one, but it was all we could really afford and the school catchment meant the kids could go to amazing schools. Summer 2018 comes round and still fighting. I’m offered a 3 month contract across in Paris for a sporting event that needed a few project manager types with some driving and other bits of experience. It would mean I’m away for 3 of our family’s birthdays, the whole of the school summer holidays, plus a few other dates we are usually together for. But the money was good and needed. So off I drive to France, August 9th 2018.
The job was tougher than thought, Europe had some hot weather last summer and where we were had zero shade. It was long shifts but we were paid weekly and each week I’d send it all home. I’d call daily, we’d talk, we’d text, we’d sext, we’d fight,… I thought when I got home, everything would be different.
Everything was different.
I drove home after my last shift. It was the middle of the night when I got home and had to sneak in. I went upstairs and tried to wake her and she just rolled over. Tired maybe. Understandable,… it was middle of the night. I go downstairs, make a cup of tea, shower, then go up and go to bed. Next morning I wake up and I’m alone in bed. I can hear her and kids downstairs and it’s all fun and they’re laughing and I was so happy to be back. I came downstairs and the kids went crazy when they saw me. It was quite special. But her,… I could tell something was up. She started talking, it was pleasant, but it wasn’t ‘us.’ We went out shopping and she wouldn’t hold hands or make excuses like wanting to shield sun from her eyes with her hand and stuff,… I tried daily for intimacy but it would always be shut down,… Eventually after about a week this kids stay at their friends and we go out for drinks. She’d been friendly and I thought it would be a chance to get back on track, clear the air, tell her what she meant to me and how I never wanted to leave her side ever again and we literally get to the pub, sit down with our first drinks and she comes out with it…. “I’ve got my own place.”
What a shitty night this turned out to be. We finished our drinks and walked home. There was crying, arguing, hugging and kissing, crying and arguing,… She passed out drunk around 4am,… I put her to bed and stayed up thinking about everything. I thought it might blow over, I thought we could all live there instead of the current place, I thought about loads of things. Some good. Some stupid. It wasn’t a bad dream though. She woke up and said the same again. So her house is literally just round the corner. I mean there isn’t even a road to cross between where we were living together, to her new place. She had signed onto the benefits system, she would take the kids, we would share custody, she needed her own space. She liked being on her own with the kids and didn’t love me anymore. Not enough to stay living together anyway she said. She said she would see how things went and take it from there but that was the best she could offer me at that moment. We wouldn’t be divorced, but we would be legally separated. I clung to that so fucking hard. I decided the best thing to do would be to be mature about it. Hell if she doesn’t love me I can’t force her too. She’s a good mother and the kids adore her and I was back to needing to look for a job. Even if I wanted to fight her for custody, she at least had benefits for them from the Government, I knew they would be looked after, whereas I’d need to make X amount to cover everything, plus childcare, etc, etc,… Plus it was like 250 meters away from the house.
So I put my big boy pants on, crying inside, trying to remain friendzoned to the woman I saw as an angel. I get my toolbag and we head round to the house to make it homely for her to move into. It would save money, but, more importantly, it was time I could spend with her, trying to figure this whole mess out. It needed a lot of work. October turned into December and I was still fitting carpets and hanging curtains. Christmas came and we were all still in the family home. We weren’t fighting, other than stupid things,… nothing nasty and nothing lasting, whatsoever. We had a good Christmas and saw in the New Year, however 2nd week of January 2019 and the house is ready. We tell the kids I’d be moving away again soon so the kids would move in with Mam at this new house. We needed to keep other house though as there was still rent owed, so I would remain there till the rent was up and I’d move away for work then. I’d be back at weekends and stuff.
3 weeks ago . A Friday. I invite them all round for some food. Kids couldn’t come. Staying with friends. I invite her. She can’t come, her Mother is coming to visit. No problem I thought, I’ll catch up with them all later. Then middle son messages me around 8pm. He’s with her Mother. But he’ll be back tomorrow and would see me then if that was ok. I said sure no problem, but check with his Mum. He replied with,… “Ok Dad, I will ask her when I see her tomorrow x” Huh? “Is your Mum not with you dude” middle son is typing… …for what seems like hours… “No Dad, she stayed there x” That’s weird I thought. Why send kids away to her mother’s, over an hour away, when I asked for them too, but not tell me the plan? Don’t get me wrong I’m pleased they see their Grandma and knew they were safe, but alarm bells were now ringing. Especially after I got no responses to any messages to Ex. I eventually walk round to see if she’s home. Boom. Shiny red Audi parked on her drive. I knew then. It all made sense. That was another shitty night. I wanted to do all sorts, I planned hundred of scenarios, but in the end, did nothing. What would it have achieved. Audi was still there when I went to the shops at 10am next morning. I mean it was obvious. It got to 4pm and she text asking if I wanted to come see kids at hers or have them at mine. I went to hers and after saying hi to kids and stuff I followed her into kitchen. I told her what I’d seen and she denied it. I told her if she was lying then there would be no way, if it came out, we could never be amicable. So she quietly admitted it. She said it had been going on since November, some dud she met online, but I know from the way she was when I came back it’s clearly been since at least France trip.
Thing is, we seemed to be closer. I literally stayed there, albeit on her sofa, for the next 10 days straight. We’d laugh and talk and talk and laugh,… about all sorts of shit. I thought fucking hell,… maybe she just wanted to see what the grass was like on the other side of the fence,… I was literally days away from asking her to remarry me, start a fresh, that’s how close we have been this last 3 weeks. Then Thursday night. “We need to talk.” … so I say cool, not suspecting anything,…
“So you need to not be here on Friday night. And can you please take the kids to yours after school till Saturday afternoon? I think you know why,”
My heart fucking burst.
Now she hadn’t lead me on. All she had been doing is letting me stay over, we had been getting on,… All thoughts of rekindling was on me, not her,… but man them two sentences really put me in my place.
So today is Friday. it’s 10pm. The 3 boys are upstairs in bed and 250 meters away, my Ex is entertaining red Audi man. And I’m here typing on a laptop. The hardest, hardest thing is not having anyone I know, living anywhere near me to talk to. I moved away when I was 7. I cam back and joined up, I left and moved away the same week,… I came, to a new area and then went out driving everyday,… then went to France for 3 months,… I know people to say “hi” to in the village,… but no one well enough to go point at the red Audi with and ask am I doing the right thing in letting her go,…
We had everything when we lived abroad,… friends, lifestyle,… I fucked it all by eyeing something better. I then fucked it further by trying to start again somewhere else. I was her Tom Cruise then her Jordan Belfort. Then I turned into Mr. overweight white van man. It’s all my own doing. Yes for better/for worse but I was the one who turned her life upside down,… several times,… and I know the kids are looked after, they are loved, she isn’t doing anything in front of them,…
I don’t know. I’m angry,… I want away from here,… I want to move away from England again, go overseas somewhere, but I also want the kids to know I’m there for them. But living in this village,… or even in this area, there’s no prospects all and I’m going to end up filing bankruptcy, going onto benefits, then won’t be able to do anything nice for them anymore.
Anyway. This is my story. Thank you for reading. Your time has been appreciated.
TL
R = Kids staying over at mine tonight. Ex is entertaining her fucking german car owner lover. This is happening 250m away from my house, at her house. I’m not sure how I feel about it, but even if I did know how I felt about it I have no one to talk to. Kind of on a knife edge. I want to go punch his face in. But I also want to go tuck my 3 little guys in and be fresh for tomorrow for some quality time.
Warning,… Life story. Might be a long, non-sensical read.
Today I think is Day 1. - I think the purpose of this is just to clear my mind and reach out to absolutely anyone who’s listening.
I’m a proud dad to 3 amazing boys, 13yrs, 11yrs and 8yrs. They are here now, at mine, chilling, without a clue what’s been going on for the last 6 months. One of the things I agree on with the now Ex is that they should not be affected in any way by what’s been going on between us, at least till we figure things out. “Ok kids, this is what’s happening, here’s the answers to all of your questions,…” So far it’s been very amicable.
Right,… the backstory. - I’m sorry for going back so far but I feel some bits are relevant.
In 1989 (far back enough?) I was 7yrs old. I left the young life I knew in England and travelled with my parents overseas, following my dad who was assigned an overseas promotion, with a company he had been with since leaving secondary education. What was supposed to be a 2yr appointment turned into 10 years living in a multi-cultural far away land, where I experienced many fantastic childhood memories.
I finished secondary school with some pretty good exam results, World at my feet, so at 16 and a half,… decided for some reason to leave the life I knew and return to the U.K., where I joined the British Armed Forces. It took around 6 to 9 months from enlisting to basic training starting. Living abroad so long they seemed to need do extra vetting and stuff. (1998/99)
I loved being in the Military. I’d lived overseas for so long, I didn’t really know anyone in England so I immediately had many many new brothers and sisters to mix with. 7 years of domestic and overseas tours flew by and I progressed up a few ranks and was able to start picking my next posts instead of the Div. Officer telling me to be here by this time for this draft for this length of time, etc,… I was lucky enough to be picked for a draft close to where I had actually grown up. It was a University Training Centre and Reservists Centre and my role would be to assist teaching reservists and potential officers on University bursaries the arts of warfare, lol, so when they went to their training schools, they weren’t starting from scratch. I went from living with 300+ people to living on my own, in a city I vaguely remembered, but mixing with the Uni students out of hours was a blast and we would all hang out at socials throughout the week. They would teach me drinking games,… I would teach them drinking games,… much fun and foolishness was had by all. It was during this draft I met my now Ex.
At the time I didn’t know she would be my Ex. At the time I didn’t think I’d see her again. But I did. Lots. We dated non-stop and within a year, she fell pregnant. We immediately threw together a wedding, bought a house, I did a quick few months overseas, plugging a few holes due to operational shortfalls, back in time to s.s.s. and drive her to the delivery room. Life was good and as boy number 2 came along, my draft was coming to an end and I was facing the then daunting reality that I’d need to go back to a large operational unit, worst case overseas, best case - weekend husband and father. So I decided to PVR and after 10yrs service, I was a civilian. Now when leaving the U.K. Armed Forces, you need to submit your intention to leave, 12 months ahead of time. It’s so they have time to replace the gap you leave with a new recruit and everyone moves up a rank/position to replace the gap you left,… So I submitted to leave in ’08, leaving in ’09… meaning I left literally a weekend before the World’s economy basically shat itself for want of a better term.
So here I am, young family, responsibilities,… loving life but worried about the future, when my Dad, still abroad, invites us to join him for a holiday. Off we went, sunshine on our backs, whilst I’m checking constantly the shit show we’d be facing back in England. My problems we’re short lived though when through a friend of my Dad, who had told his friend I was out there visiting after leaving the Forces, offered me a junior management position based on my leadership skills, discipline and basically being a bloody good friend to my Dad. Found an apartment, found kids a school, the adventure begins,…
As time went by I was thriving,… living the absolute dream,… then around 4 years ago, a friend and I decided we should maybe start a small, far too niche company, in an environment that’s forward thinking and open to new ideas, as long as it’s what everyone else is doing. I put the family at risk in a foreign country by leaving a secure job to follow a pipe dream. The dream failed dramatically when 3 potential investors all pulled out in a 2 week period. I was up shit creek. I found freelance work and struggled to pay bills,… I’d work a 14 hours day then come home and just either fight or sleep. She would say stuff. I would say stuff. It was unpleasant to say the least, but never aggressive or anything like that. We’d make up for a few days, then start again. Another opportunity came up in 2017 and by this time we needed a change. The one thing she begged was that we’d stay together and that I wouldn’t send her packing back to the U.K. whilst I moved even further away and began figuring the new job out.
She was all in with me.
It didn’t go to plan.
So summer 2017 begins with Ex and boys needing to hop back to U.K. to renew passports. It would be also an opportunity for her family to see the 3 boys who they hadn’t seen for a long time. Few weeks then they would join me. I was flying into an extended stopover to meet investor, before flying onwards to final destination, having secured some additional start up funds. Once there, I’d sort everything out, Ex and kids fly out and start a fresh. I made it as far as the stopover meeting. I knew something was up when ahead of the main meeting, I was called the night before to meet informally in the hotel lobby bar. At first I thought it was fine and that it would be a tension breaker ahead of the meet. I’d limit myself to sparkling water, but have a beer only if he was having one, really over thought it all,… Get downstairs and greeted by his ‘advisor’ and ‘accountant’ who were both related to each other. After some frank and shady questions they offer 3 times the money, but want it channelled from here there and everywhere, to not go to the meeting the following day, to communicate only to them two with gmail and hotmail accounts,… Anyway, after much deliberation, I declined their offer, which of course funnily enough equated in my meeting the following day being cancelled at the 11th hour somehow. So I fly back to the U.K. I had no choice. At this point I loaned money for my flight and a few months expenses. It was now the school summer holidays.
So here we are, all in England again, no work, no direction, no security,… we rent a house in a very rural village, kids get sorted with schools, off they go on their first day, out the door, “bye mum, bye dad” then the arguments start. till 3:30pm when they get home. Literally it went on like this for weeks. Money was running out, all I could do was go lease a van and go self employed as a courier. I picked up a few jobs but it wasn’t great money. I mean we could eat, we could pay rent and make bill payments, but that’s it. We were trapped almost in this tiny village where we knew no one, but it was all we could really afford and the school catchment meant the kids could go to amazing schools. Summer 2018 comes round and still fighting. I’m offered a 3 month contract across in Paris for a sporting event that needed a few project manager types with some driving and other bits of experience. It would mean I’m away for 3 of our family’s birthdays, the whole of the school summer holidays, plus a few other dates we are usually together for. But the money was good and needed. So off I drive to France, August 9th 2018.
The job was tougher than thought, Europe had some hot weather last summer and where we were had zero shade. It was long shifts but we were paid weekly and each week I’d send it all home. I’d call daily, we’d talk, we’d text, we’d sext, we’d fight,… I thought when I got home, everything would be different.
Everything was different.
I drove home after my last shift. It was the middle of the night when I got home and had to sneak in. I went upstairs and tried to wake her and she just rolled over. Tired maybe. Understandable,… it was middle of the night. I go downstairs, make a cup of tea, shower, then go up and go to bed. Next morning I wake up and I’m alone in bed. I can hear her and kids downstairs and it’s all fun and they’re laughing and I was so happy to be back. I came downstairs and the kids went crazy when they saw me. It was quite special. But her,… I could tell something was up. She started talking, it was pleasant, but it wasn’t ‘us.’ We went out shopping and she wouldn’t hold hands or make excuses like wanting to shield sun from her eyes with her hand and stuff,… I tried daily for intimacy but it would always be shut down,… Eventually after about a week this kids stay at their friends and we go out for drinks. She’d been friendly and I thought it would be a chance to get back on track, clear the air, tell her what she meant to me and how I never wanted to leave her side ever again and we literally get to the pub, sit down with our first drinks and she comes out with it…. “I’ve got my own place.”
What a shitty night this turned out to be. We finished our drinks and walked home. There was crying, arguing, hugging and kissing, crying and arguing,… She passed out drunk around 4am,… I put her to bed and stayed up thinking about everything. I thought it might blow over, I thought we could all live there instead of the current place, I thought about loads of things. Some good. Some stupid. It wasn’t a bad dream though. She woke up and said the same again. So her house is literally just round the corner. I mean there isn’t even a road to cross between where we were living together, to her new place. She had signed onto the benefits system, she would take the kids, we would share custody, she needed her own space. She liked being on her own with the kids and didn’t love me anymore. Not enough to stay living together anyway she said. She said she would see how things went and take it from there but that was the best she could offer me at that moment. We wouldn’t be divorced, but we would be legally separated. I clung to that so fucking hard. I decided the best thing to do would be to be mature about it. Hell if she doesn’t love me I can’t force her too. She’s a good mother and the kids adore her and I was back to needing to look for a job. Even if I wanted to fight her for custody, she at least had benefits for them from the Government, I knew they would be looked after, whereas I’d need to make X amount to cover everything, plus childcare, etc, etc,… Plus it was like 250 meters away from the house.
So I put my big boy pants on, crying inside, trying to remain friendzoned to the woman I saw as an angel. I get my toolbag and we head round to the house to make it homely for her to move into. It would save money, but, more importantly, it was time I could spend with her, trying to figure this whole mess out. It needed a lot of work. October turned into December and I was still fitting carpets and hanging curtains. Christmas came and we were all still in the family home. We weren’t fighting, other than stupid things,… nothing nasty and nothing lasting, whatsoever. We had a good Christmas and saw in the New Year, however 2nd week of January 2019 and the house is ready. We tell the kids I’d be moving away again soon so the kids would move in with Mam at this new house. We needed to keep other house though as there was still rent owed, so I would remain there till the rent was up and I’d move away for work then. I’d be back at weekends and stuff.
3 weeks ago . A Friday. I invite them all round for some food. Kids couldn’t come. Staying with friends. I invite her. She can’t come, her Mother is coming to visit. No problem I thought, I’ll catch up with them all later. Then middle son messages me around 8pm. He’s with her Mother. But he’ll be back tomorrow and would see me then if that was ok. I said sure no problem, but check with his Mum. He replied with,… “Ok Dad, I will ask her when I see her tomorrow x” Huh? “Is your Mum not with you dude” middle son is typing… …for what seems like hours… “No Dad, she stayed there x” That’s weird I thought. Why send kids away to her mother’s, over an hour away, when I asked for them too, but not tell me the plan? Don’t get me wrong I’m pleased they see their Grandma and knew they were safe, but alarm bells were now ringing. Especially after I got no responses to any messages to Ex. I eventually walk round to see if she’s home. Boom. Shiny red Audi parked on her drive. I knew then. It all made sense. That was another shitty night. I wanted to do all sorts, I planned hundred of scenarios, but in the end, did nothing. What would it have achieved. Audi was still there when I went to the shops at 10am next morning. I mean it was obvious. It got to 4pm and she text asking if I wanted to come see kids at hers or have them at mine. I went to hers and after saying hi to kids and stuff I followed her into kitchen. I told her what I’d seen and she denied it. I told her if she was lying then there would be no way, if it came out, we could never be amicable. So she quietly admitted it. She said it had been going on since November, some dud she met online, but I know from the way she was when I came back it’s clearly been since at least France trip.
Thing is, we seemed to be closer. I literally stayed there, albeit on her sofa, for the next 10 days straight. We’d laugh and talk and talk and laugh,… about all sorts of shit. I thought fucking hell,… maybe she just wanted to see what the grass was like on the other side of the fence,… I was literally days away from asking her to remarry me, start a fresh, that’s how close we have been this last 3 weeks. Then Thursday night. “We need to talk.” … so I say cool, not suspecting anything,…
“So you need to not be here on Friday night. And can you please take the kids to yours after school till Saturday afternoon? I think you know why,”
My heart fucking burst.
Now she hadn’t lead me on. All she had been doing is letting me stay over, we had been getting on,… All thoughts of rekindling was on me, not her,… but man them two sentences really put me in my place.
So today is Friday. it’s 10pm. The 3 boys are upstairs in bed and 250 meters away, my Ex is entertaining red Audi man. And I’m here typing on a laptop. The hardest, hardest thing is not having anyone I know, living anywhere near me to talk to. I moved away when I was 7. I cam back and joined up, I left and moved away the same week,… I came, to a new area and then went out driving everyday,… then went to France for 3 months,… I know people to say “hi” to in the village,… but no one well enough to go point at the red Audi with and ask am I doing the right thing in letting her go,…
We had everything when we lived abroad,… friends, lifestyle,… I fucked it all by eyeing something better. I then fucked it further by trying to start again somewhere else. I was her Tom Cruise then her Jordan Belfort. Then I turned into Mr. overweight white van man. It’s all my own doing. Yes for better/for worse but I was the one who turned her life upside down,… several times,… and I know the kids are looked after, they are loved, she isn’t doing anything in front of them,…
I don’t know. I’m angry,… I want away from here,… I want to move away from England again, go overseas somewhere, but I also want the kids to know I’m there for them. But living in this village,… or even in this area, there’s no prospects all and I’m going to end up filing bankruptcy, going onto benefits, then won’t be able to do anything nice for them anymore.
Anyway. This is my story. Thank you for reading. Your time has been appreciated.
TL
R = Kids staying over at mine tonight. Ex is entertaining her fucking german car owner lover. This is happening 250m away from my house, at her house. I’m not sure how I feel about it, but even if I did know how I felt about it I have no one to talk to. Kind of on a knife edge. I want to go punch his face in. But I also want to go tuck my 3 little guys in and be fresh for tomorrow for some quality time.