Vacation Posturing

[vanhiep240594]

@christfollower34 Sorry - perhaps I have been unclear. My ex is not revisiting the issue with me. It’s my daughter who is asking to come spend her April break with me. This was her ask (emphasis hers): Do YOU want me to stay here at mom’s the whole break?

As if my daughter is asking whether she is with her mother and not with me because it’s MY preference. That question feels coached, as if her mother is suggesting the idea. It’s the very sort of manipulation that my ex uses commonly on me.

 

[christfollower34]

@vanhiep240594 It doesn’t matter why she asked. She asked. Either you can have them over or not have them over.

If it’s coached what are you going to do anyway? Cause more friction by confronting over your suspicions? What will that help?

You keep avoiding the very clear point many are making. They’re 12 and 15 they don’t need childcare.

 

[vanhiep240594]

@christfollower34 You are making my point for me. The kids can be with their mom, whether she has planned to take time off, or whether she is working and they are alone at home.

I guess it’s a valid question. I am not sure what one does if they discover that their ex is actively subverting them. I have never spoken ill of their mother to them, and I always assumed that she behaved likewise. Maybe, as you suggest, when one parent does that, the other parent should do nothing.

 

[christfollower34]

@vanhiep240594 Yeah. Don’t worry about it. You’re assuming her intent and you could be right or wrong but ultimately it makes zero difference. I agree the kids CAN be with their mom whether or not she has taken time off and they’re home alone. So say no.

 

[christiananon]

@vanhiep240594 They are 12 and 15. What childcare? Childcare ended years ago.

Ya’ll are making a mountain out of a molehill. Ask the kids what house they want to hang out with during the day. Drive them there. Stock fridge with microwave dinners. Go to work. Done. No drama needed.

 

[needsomeadvice]

@vanhiep240594 If she can't afford vacation, she can't afford vacation and there is no vacation. Vacations aren't anyone's right; they're a luxury, and in most cases where it can be afforded, planned, and well communicated by a parent, it is a very reasonable request to stray from the regular schedule.

If she has not communicated a vacation, the week falls on a regular schedule. Your order describes if you collaborate or if you accept the other parents' solution. I wouldn't be operating on the idea that her employment is any more choice based than yours, or that she could just choose differently considering your schedule and finances and employers' decisions.

If it falls on your time or hers the option should be clear in an order that you collaborate child care, or one of you are responsible for childcare based upon a regular schedule.

Your ability to maintain a yearly vacation is not a reflection of your ex.

 

[vanhiep240594]

@needsomeadvice It’s not about whether she takes them to the Bahamas, or just plans to be home with them.

There are 22 “out of school” days per school year. 10 of those happen to fall across two “1-week” breaks. The remainder are scattered here and there (except they get 3 or 4 at Christmas).

Back in August she sent me a suggested calendar of coverage that ran up to Christmas break. It was front-loaded with days that I was supposed to cover. I might have pushed back, but I didn’t look too closely at the schedule until school had actually started, and I couldn’t reasonably push back at that late date.

However, when I then looked ahead into Christmas, the spring, and beyond, it became clear that she would have to cover every day for the remainder of the school year in 2024 (assuming that we shared equally the two week-long breaks, as we have always done). Even as it stands, with her having the kids all of the week ahead, I have covered 12 of the 22 days.

So, you suggest that I should have accepted her original schedule for the first half of the year, and then, because she has not planned an actual “vacation”, it is now incumbent upon me to cover 14 or 15 of those 22 total days? Whether the kids and I actually go anywhere, I still need to take PTO when they are out of school. They are capable of being home alone, but I’d prefer that we at least spend the time together, and not have them sitting in front of the TV/computer all day.

 

[needsomeadvice]

@vanhiep240594 I am saying that regular schedule is regular schedule and luxuries are a negotiation.

What I am saying is that if the childcare expenses are routinely split, it is what it is. If they aren't, she needs to figure that out. No matter what happens, having better attendance is probably something you will all need to work on.

Her job is her job. If you can't take on extra, don't and make that clear. If you aren't helping her ensure childcare so that she can work, it doesn't mean she shouldn't work- it means she needs a work around for childcare.

Your job is your job. If she can't take on extra, she probably won't. If she isn't helping you ensure childcare so you can work- it doesn't mean you shouldn't work- it means you need a work around.

In most cases, that goes both ways, and absolutely nowhere to pin whose work is most important. The kids just need childcare.

 

[jrbert91]

@needsomeadvice My ex and I follow the regular schedule all year long (2-2-5-5) unless a vacation causes a change. We do ensure one has Xmas Eve and one has Xmas day but really, that’s it. It’s easier for us to just stick to the schedule and being divorced, celebrating holidays on the actual holiday just isn’t possible for both parents so we just deal with it.

 

[vanhiep240594]

@jrbert91 So, if the kids have a week off of school, neither can plan a week’s vacation? Because it wouldn’t fit within a 2-2-5-5 routine? Like, clearly no 7 day trips?

Or if hypothetically the kids had 5 no-school days in a given school year, and they all happened to fall on “your” days within your 2-2-5-5 routine, then it is just on you to take 5 days of PTO or otherwise cover those days?

 

[jrbert91]

@vanhiep240594 I said “unless a vacation causes a change”. We pretty much decide when we want a vacation and if it overlaps w the other parents time, we get the ok before booking the vacation.

We both work from home and our kids are 7-16 so we don’t need childcare. Similar to OPs kids’ ages, I can’t imagine they still need childcare. I can see it being differently if kids were younger and needed childcare on non school days.

 

[vanhiep240594]

@jrbert91 No, it’s true, they don’t need child care.

But this week ahead, I expect to be up at 4 AM, out the door by 5 AM, and not back again until 7 or 8 at night. I planned this heavy work week to catch up at work during a week when I knew the kids would be with their mom.

Sure, the kids COULD be at my house alone those days, but how would that be preferable to being with their mom on those same days? Especially when they are scheduled to be with her (and have been so scheduled since December)?

 

[vanhiep240594]

@needsomeadvice You and I agree.

Regular schedule is regular schedule.

We rotate Christmas, though, regardless of “whose day” it fall on.

And we share responsibility of child care 50/50. We each pay half for all camps and after care and the like.

And we cover half of the “no-school” days each. Always have. And whereas these come mostly as one say her and another day there, there are 3 opportunities each year for a longer block of time: Christmas, Feb break, and April break.

Neither of us has ever planned a trip over Christmas so as not to disrupt the other parent’s chance at a Christmas celebration.

But we have routinely each claimed either Feb or April break as a block of days among our share of the 22 days off from school. By claiming a full week, we have each enjoyed the possibility of an actual vacation.

I can’t imagine it’s reasonable for me to expect her to cover all 22 days, assuming that I wanted her to. Regardless of my circumstances, how would that be fair?

She was self employed last year, and took the kids away for a week in February. And as it turned out, I had the kids with me for April break, but we had a “stay-cation” rather than an actual vacation. And those days contributed to an overall plan where we each had the kids with us of 50% of their “no-school” days.

 

[needsomeadvice]

@vanhiep240594 I think that's the issue; if the order is allowing for vacation, it isn't a commitment to share no-school days, and thus the childcare during those days equally.

If the order was to share no-school days, that would be different than being entitled to a 7 day vacation or an expectation that your coparent take 7 days so you can do what you want (or your boss asks for you) to do during that time.

If it hasn't been discussed that she would take those 7 days, you shouldn't expect it.

There are orders where no-school days are divided differently than regular schedule, but that doesn't sound like the approach being taken here.