Vacation Posturing

[vanhiep240594]

My ex (F47) and I (M53) have been coparenting for about 8 years. Mostly it’s uneventful these days. But…

Our two kids (ages 12 and 15) get two vacations each spring, one week each. Our custody agreement is very clear: 50/50 custody, and equal sharing of vacations and holidays.

This year I arranged time off from work in February for the first of the two vacations. My ex was happy to oblige, as she needed to travel that same week (well, she was traveling to further her entrepreneurial endeavors - she didn’t HAVE to travel, but she clearly felt it was important to do so).

When it came time to to discuss the second of the two vacations, she was clear that she had no intention of “doing” anything (she couldn’t afford to, she said), and that I should plan more time off in order to cover childcare for 50% of that week too.

I stood my ground, but it was a lengthy argument. I’d love to spend every available moment with my kids, but I also need to manage my time off from work, and I need to keep my job. But during our arguments, she would constantly try to portray my resistance as if it meant that I did not want to be with my own children.

In the past I would have been triggered and engaged in THAT debate. Instead, I remained relatively calm, and simply sidestepped her manipulations. Eventually she agreed that I would have time with the kids for the first of the two vacations, and she would have them the second week (the current week ahead).

Just now my 12 year old texted to ask me, “Do YOU want me to stay here at mom’s for the whole break?” (emphasis hers).

I can only guess what made her ask that question in that way. But most of my guesses lead me to the conclusion that my ex is making it seem as if I could have had them here with me again, but have simply chosen not to.

My ex lost her job back at the start of COVID, which was unfortunate. But luckily her husband had a good job, and with government supports and my continued CS, they remained afloat.

But when things began to return to normal, rather than go back to work. she decided to start her own business. That’s really of no concern to me, except that she has clearly communicated to our kids that I have it easy compared with her - she apparently has to work harder, earns less, and has less free time than I do.

I might counter that, if such were the case, maybe she should just go find a regular 9-5. In her industry, she could easily do so. But she chooses to continue on her chosen path, and that’s fine. But it’s unfair, I think, for her to choose that path, and then make her hardships translate somehow into a gap that I am responsible to fill.

Anyway, I responded to my daughter to say that I would of course love to have them, but it wouldn’t be fair to their mother if I hogged all the vacation time to myself.

I guess that’s all I have. I’m not sure that I have a specific question. Maybe I am looking for validation. I mean, I could probably arrange to work from home this week, although it would surely reflect badly on me there. I had anticipated being able to work a bunch of long hours this week to try to catch up…

 

[jrbert91]

@vanhiep240594 Kids are 12 and 15. Can they not stay home solo while you work and you take the time with them?

 

[vanhiep240594]

@jrbert91 Yes, they could be home alone at our house. It’s not ideal, as I had planned to be working long hours this week (I typically leave at 5 AM, and I was planning to put in long days to catch up or even get ahead).

But they could just as easily remain home alone at their mother’s house, no?

And I guess my point is that she and I had hashed all of this out back in December. It seems like parent alienation to now suggest to the kids that they she check whether I want them with me in the week ahead.

 

[jrbert91]

@vanhiep240594 Totally get it… I think I’d let the kids know you two always split the time and have committed to working long days since you had them the first vacation.

It does suck that your ex even made this a situation and got the kids involved.

 

[zaptearnh]

@vanhiep240594 You mention equal sharing but describe expecting her to alternate with you. She accommodated a request you made for the last vacation. Did you agree at that time that ex would take the kids all of the next break in exchange? If not, it sounds like you assumed that and ex assumed regular schedule. Always assume regular schedule unless otherwise specified. If you did not arrange for your ex to take your time, then you failed to plan.

 

[vanhiep240594]

@zaptearnh We always alternate those two weeks, or have done so reliably for the past 8 years. When I suggested that I would like the Feb week (last year I had the April week), she agreed. It was only much later when she informed me that she was “unable” to take the April week.

And according to our coverage schedule, written by her back in Aug 2023, I had already take a great many PTO days to cover for “no school” days.

As it stands, with her covering this week ahead, I will have had the kids with me for more than half of the time (vacations and no-school days).

 

[chaplain777]

@vanhiep240594 My youngest 2 are the same age as yours, oldest is 17 and off to college in the fall. My advice: take the time with them while they still want to and can be with you. You won’t regret it. Even if they are at your home while you work a regular day. Spend time with your kids. Push off as much of your extra work as possible, it will still be there the week after. Your career is important, but not as much as your family.

 

[vanhiep240594]

@chaplain777 I get it, I honestly do.

But I would lose my job if I were to take every possible day. I had a week with them in December, a week in February, and I’ll have a week with them in June.

But at some point I have to actually work (and I only have so much PTO). I work on a small team, and a number of my coworkers also have school age kids, and we generally coordinate so that we aren’t all out at once.

And in years past, my ex had wanted to make use of these 5 day blocks of time.

Honestly, I’d rather have taken both of these weeks if I could, and let her cover more of the days from last Fall, but as she has always taken one or the other of these weeks in the spring, this situation never occurred to me.

 

[jrbert91]

@vanhiep240594 I think you are still in the mindset of “if they are out of school, I have to take PTO”. I feel guilty too so I get it. But your kids are 12 and 15. They can stay home solo while you work. You are not required to take PTO when they are off school and with you.

 

[vanhiep240594]

@jrbert91 Agreed. If the kids have no school, I can still work, and I could leave them to take care of themselves.

If that was the case for a single day, I might do that. I’d prefer to take advantage of the day, use PTO, and spend the time with them. But if I did need to work, I’d try to work from home or work a short work day.

But this particular week, I had arranged to cover two shift each day to maximize my ability to catch up at work. I did so because it’s necessary, and because the kids were scheduled to be with their mom for the week.

I definitely would NOT work doubles all week and leave the kids at home.

But the troubling aspect is that my daughter seemed to have the impression that they are spending the week with their mom, not because she wants them, but because I did NOT want them with me.

I took a week of PTO in February to be with them, and then I worked my butt off for the following weeks to catch back up. I also planned to again focus on work this week because I knew they’d be with their mom. If I was in the position to have them with me 100% of the time and still keep my job, I would do so.

But I can’t. Instead, my entire life is built around our 50/50 custody schedule. I prioritize the kids when they are with me, and then I work like a dog to keep up at work whenever they are with their mother.

I’m not complaining, that’s just how it is. But to suggest that I rely on their mother to honor her 50% commitment in order that I can maintain my situation is somehow wrong of me… I don’t get it.

 

[jrbert91]

@vanhiep240594 This is the first time I’ve read that you committed to working doubles vs “I was planning to work extra to catch up”. To me, big difference. The response to daughter is … mom has typically taken this time so I’ve committed to working doubles all week and won’t be home. We’ll resume regular schedule on x day and I hope you enjoy the break from school.”

 

[christfollower34]

@vanhiep240594 Frankly, I looked at some of your comments and your repeated mention of your job is kind of off-putting. Most people have jobs. You’re describing a full time demanding job and I’m not sure why you think that is some big thing that most parents don’t also deal with.

It isn’t your exes fault you’re behind at work. It isn’t a 50/50 schedule that caused it either. It’s you. If you have a job that requires such demands of your time and you cannot devote enough time towards your kids that’s not anyone’s problem but yours. And you can change that by getting another job if it’s too overwhelming. If it isn’t going to change, Stop mentioning it. You’re complaining about a schedule I used to have pretty much all the time when my kid wasn’t with me. So what?

 

[vanhiep240594]

@christfollower34 A full time demanding job IS common.

But it’s also why I can’t adjust my schedule to account for her own schedule challenges every time that she asks.

No, it’s not her fault that I get behind. It’s my own, and it’s cyclical (I fall a bit behind when I have the kids, and I catch up when she has them). I’ve made it work for the past 8 years. But invariably it all gets harder when she cajoles me into taking on more than my share of our shared parenting.

You could as easily be asking, “Why doesn’t your ex change her work situation so that she doesn’t have to repeatedly ask you to adjust for her?” Or “Why doesn’t she change jobs and find one where she could arrange a week off, 4 or 5 months in advance?”

My work situation doesn’t make me special. But it is a valid reason for me to say to her, “No, I’m sorry, I can swap days, I’ve already set my work schedule” and not be then faced with manipulations.

 

[christfollower34]

@vanhiep240594 Then. Say. No!!!!!

What is your issue with just saying no. You lied and said you don’t want to take time from mom. That isn’t true. You have to work. Just say it was a schedule mixup and you have to work!!!!

No. I’m not interested in why your ex asks. Just say no and move on if you don’t want to. She shouldn’t have to change her job, but you can always say no. You don’t have to change your job. But you can always say no. It literally makes zero difference why she can or cannot take time off. She doesn’t need to. And it’s seriously not your business what she does for work.

Say no. That’s it. No one cares about the rest of the details and it’s not relevant why. Just. Say. No!

 

[vanhiep240594]

@christfollower34 You are not comprehending, or I am not being clear.

We set the schedule long ago. The kids are with their mom. I told my daughter that I would be at work all week. I told her that her mother and I had planned to share the two vacation weeks, as we share everything else.

The issue is with how my daughter asked. As if my daughter had been given cause to think that they were spending this vacation with their mom because I did not want them with me.

 

[christfollower34]

@vanhiep240594 Dude. You said you told your daughter you didn’t want to take time from mom. It’s in your post. Good that you clarified and said there was a schedule mix up.

I’m saying over and over again the way your daughter asked isn’t important anymore. You’re not getting it. And I fully comprehend.

 

[vanhiep240594]

@christfollower34 I told her both things: that I had arranged to be at work all week, and that I did so because I knew they’d be with their mom this week. And that was because I’d got to have them with me for a week in February, and it would be unfair to also have expected to have them this week too.

So, if I were to start saying that their mom could easily earn loads of money if she went back to work (she could), and lead the kids toward the belief that their mom was being manipulative and playing the martyr when she cries poverty… you feel that it would be OK? Or at least, my ex should have no response to that? There would be nothing that she could or should do?

Interesting…

 

[christfollower34]

@vanhiep240594 You have a 12 year old and a 15 year old. They’ll be fine at home alone for their break from school if mom or dad have to work.

It doesn’t matter what your exes job is. It doesn’t matter what her husbands job is. It doesn’t matter that she lost her job at the start of COVID. It’s none of your business if they had government assistance or not. Your child support is court ordered and YOU have an obligation to pay it. You didn’t make those payments so you can throw around how “your” money supported them like you did some noble thing. You did what you’re legally required to do. That doesn’t mean you get to pat yourself on the back and act like you’re a superior parent.

It doesn’t matter that she travelled for work. It doesn’t matter if or why she isn’t taking them on a trip. This is some petty ass shit if you ask me. Over kids who can be at home without childcare. Why are you splitting hairs over this? To be right?

Neither you or mom are the victim. Just figure it the hell out and don’t die on this hill. It really shouldn’t be this petty and complicated.

 

[vanhiep240594]

@christfollower34 We already had figured it out.

I covered the 5 days in of February break. She agreed to cover the 5 days of April break. All told, I am covering 12 of 22 such “no-school” days in this current school year.

However… she apparently communicated to my child that it was OK to check whether I wanted her here with me this week.

 

[christfollower34]

@vanhiep240594 Then say no that she agreed to cover the 5 days and they don’t need childcare. If they do, it’s on her. Show her where she agreed and be done with it. You’re missing the part where it really is getting to where you don’t need coverage for no school days the way you would with young children. This shouldn’t be an issue quite honestly. Say no, refer to the agreement. If you’re not following the decree or judgment/schedule and she would like to go back to just the schedule then that’s something you’ll likely have to accept. If this is how it’s written then that’s something she needs to accept.

Again, what actually IS the problem here?