Typical custody arrangement for 1.5 year old (U.K.)

[jadelynn2]

So me and my ex had a coparenting agreement, going to court in the U.K. is not the norm so we had a verbal agreement. He’s decided he doesn’t like this and is now pushing for 50/50. I’m not happy about this I believe our child need stability and I’m the only parent he’s ever really known. His dad was rarely around when we lived together.
He’s asking for time when we both know he won’t be looking after him so Thursday evenings when he needs to work till 11pm so my son will be with ? Who knows who would actually be looking after our son and then he’d be got up in the middle of the night to be taken back to my ex’s. He’s doing this purely because he doesn’t want to pay child support which isn’t very expensive here (£214 a month).
There is also the issue he lives 1hr10min round trip and expect me to make this to collect our son Friday morning when I have to be at work for 8am.
What is would be a good custody agreement for a 1.5 year old ? What have other people found works for them.

 

[momthreeo]

@jadelynn2 Consider meditation if your ex is unwilling to listen to your point of view. This would be an expected step before court anyway. 50/50 is not really going to work when the child starts going to school due to the distance, so I would be suggesting finding a routine that will work when pre-school sessions and eventually school starts. Realistically that's every other weekend and half the holidays /half terms. What your ex is suggesting is not in the child's best interest and is very disruptive and I doubt it would be agreed if things went further. Remember, both of you need quality time with the child so you need weekends with him too but ultimately, the schedule has to work for everybody involved, especially the child. Good luck.

 

[jadelynn2]

@momthreeo Hi we wouldn’t be forced to go to mediation due to domestic violence issues. He has not been charged yet but will once I’ve given my statement.
I have tried to explain this to him that we will need to change this once our son goes to school and explaining why he sees dad less to a 4 year old isn’t going to be any good for our son.

 

[momthreeo]

@jadelynn2 Definitely don't need to see him in meditation with a history of domestic abuse. I imagine this is a continuation of his abuse now, sorry you have to go through this! I would put forward the schedule you think will work, you are able to justify why due to childs age /work schedule /bed time /preparation for school etc and stick to your guns. If you suggest that the person who is getting the child collects (so that ex can't then keep the child longer than he should) and don't deviate from the proposed schedule once it's in place (ie, don't swap days, don't allow time changes unless it's an absolute emergency) and that should help reduce the games he has the potential to play to upset you. Do you have the support of an IDVA? If so, they should be able to help.

 

[jadelynn2]

@momthreeo That’s a good idea for me to collect. I had to deviate this week only because I’ve had covid and I’ve been extremely sick I did try and hold out as long as possible.
I do I spoke to the domestic violence hotline and they have given me the number of a local charity.
This is exactly what I am thinking he’s doing because he waits until I have everything sorted for our son and then changes it. I’ve told him we’re sticking to our agreement that was originally agreed to until we go to court. Mainly because I am a teacher and I cannot mess around work as it affects kids lives.

 

[momthreeo]

@jadelynn2 Your health visitor might be able to help get some support with DA too (if the charity doesn't offer help) and you should be able to get IDVA support that can advise with legal stuff, your rights, general support etc. I think that's exactly what he's doing so just keep a record of everything. I'd advise once he is aware of the schedule, don't get dragged into any arguments because you'll just go around in circles. Keep it strictly about the child and nothing else, but only health and well-being matters (not about parenting etc). If he doesn't collect when he's supposed to, he loses that weekend. If you say something, stick to it and you only need to say things once. Once he knows you mean what you say, he might send a load of disgruntled texts but he'll eventually realise he can't keep messing you around. This is what worked for me.

 

[katrina2017]

@jadelynn2 Also in the UK, my ex and I share a 2 year old. He works nights and gets only a Saturday night off. He has her stay every other Saturday night and then picks her up from nursery whenever he wants. He also just drop her back to nursery or my house depending what time he needs to leave her back at. We do arrange any extra overnights should he be off on annual leave

 

[jadelynn2]

@katrina2017 I’m happy to give him extra contact time this has arisen as he’s decided he doesn’t want to pay any maintenance.