Treading water?

[deeptikamat]

I'm so overwhelmed lately and I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. My wife(36f) and I(37m) have twins(B&G) that will be turning 3 years old in three months, then exactly a week after the twins birthday, our oldest(B) will be turning 4.

There is so much I need to write out but I'm just so sad and I break into tears. I don't feel like a man anymore. I feel like no matter what I do, its going to be wrong or not done the way in should have. All of that has lead me to become more of a man of inaction than the opposite.

We have alot happen to us in the past four years and I'm watching my relationship with my wife fall apart. I know my wife is the one that is carrying alot more negative feelings than me but I don't even know where to start or if she even wants to fix things. If i mention one things to bring to talk about fixing, it just opens another jar she has been bottling up. I want to help her heal but lately it feels like the only way that'll happen, is if I'm not in the picture.

 

[deeptikamat]

Thank you for all your responses, and I appreciate all of them.

 

[kerimf]

@deeptikamat I’m so sorry to hear you are having trouble. I can’t offer a lot of help but this is a great resource for affordable therapy that I use and love. Therapy, both individually and together, might be a good place to start while working to take a few things off your wife’s plate.

This is a great therapy company for people with financial struggles and most people qualify for it: https://openpathcollective.org/.

 

[misskayla]

@deeptikamat Could you take the kids out for the day? Enlist the help of friends or family so that you're not so outnumbered. Take them somewhere 100% safe with no chance of issues (fully enclosed toddler park; grandma's child-proof house; in-door toddler play zone place). Make sure it is a day that you know your wife hasn't planned anything and do not ask her help with packing for the day (do it the night before or early in the morning, bring everything you will need: nappies, snacks, spare changes of clothes etc).

What is she doing when you are out? Ask her to write a list of things that she wants you to handle from now on and try and complete that list - carry it with you, if you think you will forget. She might write: Please dress the kids for daycare. So that is something you do, every single time. If you are hopeless with clothes, Google it - what does a toddler need to wear for daycare? How many changes of clothes should they have in their daycare bag? Is the weather projected to be cold that day? Then they need to be dressed warmly or at least have layerable clothing in their bag. What if you go to dress the kids for daycare and they are missing something? Like no skirt can be found? That means the laundry hasn't been done. Follow the trail of breadcrumbs - in order to dress the kids, the laundry needs to be done and put away too. Do you know where the skirts go? What about underwear? When's the last time you did a stocktake of your kid's underwear? When did that become mum's job?

The mental load for mum is so massive. She is thinking about everything kid-related all the time and is frustrated you can't see what she does without thinking. If the list says: Pick up the kid's toys off the floor in the lounge room after dinner. She doesn't just mean two or three toys. And she doesn't mean pick them off the floor and put them on the couch. She means all the toys in the lounge room, all of them, should be put back where they belong. Do you know where they belong? She probably has a system - all wooden blocks in this basket, soft toys in this storage cube, Lego in the plastic tool box.

Hope this helps. Sometimes small things just keep building up and up and up and you get resentful then the job that maybe once you enjoyed (dressing kids for daycare, buying and sorting the kids toys) becomes a chore that never ends.

By the way, you are not useless. She is just so used to doing it by herself that it is hard to step aside to have you do it in a less efficient way. But once you start doing it and get better at it, that is one less thing she has to worry about.

 

[kerimf]

@deeptikamat I’m so sorry to hear you are having trouble. I can’t offer a lot of help but this is a great resource for affordable therapy that I use and love. Therapy, both individually and together, might be a good place to start while working to take a few things off your wife’s plate.

This is a great therapy company for people with financial struggles and most people qualify for it: https://openpathcollective.org/.

Maybe your first step can be getting the kids out of the house one night a week to a park or place to let your wife have a few hours off? Or get a family member / babysitter to come over to watch the kids while you set up a treat for your wife (massage, gift card to favorite store to shop, time with friends) and you clean the house?

Helping your wife relieve stress will help you and your family. It’s a lot but taking bits of responsibility away from her slowly will help you to not feel overwhelmed. Write a list of all that she does that you can do (DONT ask her for a list), and just start doing those things.

The only way to start is to take a first step and get help to take action from an outside person like a therapist or friends will help you be accountable to the change you want. I wish you all of the best of luck!

The fact that you reached out on Reddit means that you want to take action and that’s a great first step, so you can make that next step of getting help. I believe in you!

 

[geru]

@deeptikamat Fellow dad to a bunch of littles. Take on some of her responsibilities—ones that you are pretty sure you can get right—and try not to stand on a podium after you’ve done them. You know what needs to be done and you can do a “good enough” job without asking for permission/guidance/approval. For me this is usually really menial stuff, but stuff she typically handles, and she’ll notice (e.g., I’ll do some laundry, deep clean the countertops/table tops, process some of the inevitable piles of mail/toys that wind up on the kitchen counter) without dropping all my usual chores AND if I’m really smart, I’ll try to keep an upbeat attitude if/when she questions one or some of my decisions.

 

[rebekah_h]

@deeptikamat Marriage counseling. Marriage comes first, always. When the kids grow up, your spouse and marriage will hopefully be with you for more decades than your children ever were. Restart: go on dates. Try connecting over things unrelated to kids and family life. Try Liking each other again. Become a team, where you know you’re working towards common goals, attacking family problems as a unit, and can smile and laugh together in the hardest times. Marriage counseling will help you get to the root of your emotions, feelings, subconscious desires and expectations, and give you words, phrases, and tools to put some things back together the way it needs to be.

 

[korrineine]

@deeptikamat I'm sorry, man. It seems like too much to share here, so I can only offer general advice. Find a family member, baby sitter, something, and schedule an evening a week to hash this stuff out. Or put a movie on for the kids. If you can afford it, therapy for y'all individually and as a couple. You can use psychologytoday.com to find one that takes your insurance.

And give her a hug and tell her you love her. That can go a long way.