The world is not made for single parents

[jebusofdenmark]

It's frustrating to feel like I'm doing everything I possibly can be and still failing.

My son is 15, he made it into drum line for his school marching band. Im very excited for him and proud of him, he's been playing drums for years and this was his goal.

My problem lies in summer band practice. I work 7:30 am - 4 pm Monday to Thursday and 7:30 - 12 Friday, with a 30 min lunch break. His band practice is located 30 mins from my work (one way, so 1 hour round trip). Practice starts at 8am and ends at noon.

How am I supposed to swing this? Today I dropped him at school at 7, so I could make it to work on time. But I can't leave to pick him up during my lunch break, I don't have enough time. The school isn't offering transportation, I don't have anyone else who could help here.

It just always feels like the world is not set up for the success of single parents. And I'm at a loss as to how to remedy this.

 

[aspeck]

@jebusofdenmark Does he have friends in band? Knowing your kids friends and their parents can be really helpful. Asking them to carpool in exchange for some help with gas is how I get my neighbors and friends to help my teen get to things like practice

Don’t give up Momma! You’re doing a great job, we all need help so we’re here.

 

[beautyfromtheashes]

@aspeck This right here is key. You mention how far it is from your work, but I am guessing it is not 30 minutes from home. Freshman year, I got rides from seniors. Senior year, I drove the freshman home. Band is usually a tight nit group where people help each other (as long as it isn't someone fighting for their chair).

Second option: If he can't pull this off, look for a local activity nearby he could do.Third option: (since it sounds like you are in a city, since country kids start driving at 14) get him a daily uber home or whatever trending taxi app is. If you are an hour drive, it sounds like it would be more $$$ for gas for you anyway.

Time to let your boy start growing up and becoming independent, as hard as that is.

(Edit: since I saw one of your comments saying you are Rural). Time to start teaching him to drive. I learned at 14 and in small towns, it is almost expected.

 

[aspeck]

@beautyfromtheashes I’m assuming you meant this for OP? I am able to get my kids to every place they need to be with the help of friends and my neighbors. Not everyone is lucky no but that’s why getting to know your neighbors helps

 

[beautyfromtheashes]

@aspeck Yep. It was meant for OP. Was just expanding on your point of looking for his friends in band =) Might even add that if OP's son doesn't know any friends that have rides, to talk to the band director. Good directors will find a student that lives nearby and ask them if it would be a hassle to help student Y (usually a trusted senior of the same gender, and the director will also use that ride to create a friendship/mentorship between said senior/freshman).

 

[sorn]

@jebusofdenmark My mom had a similar situation with my brothers extracurriculars. Ended up finding another mom they could work the schedule's to split the driving. Maybe introduce yourself around. Never know someone else's situation.

 

[greglovee]

@sorn Yep I’d also reach out to the band director and see if they have are willing to send out a message asking if any other parents are looking to carpool. Might be others in OPs boat

 

[greglovee]

@jebusofdenmark I’m don’t have advice but I’m just here to commiserate. I feel the same way, it’s so frustrating. My son had Kindergarten screening at 9:30AM today, a Wednesday. I cannot take half days for all of these things. It’s so frustrating. I’m so lucky my job has some flexibility, but obviously they expect me to be at work during my working hours as a general rule.

It’s especially frustrating because it puts our kids at a disadvantage and takes opportunities away from them out of the gate. My son can’t do camps this summer because I have no way to take him and pick him up. Kids with two two working parents who can alternate or better yet, a stay at home parent who can get them to and from during a typical workday easier get so many more opportunities. Then it’s stacked against us like we’re crummy parents when our kids don’t achieve as much or participate in as much.

 

[seaweed09]

@jebusofdenmark I think it's more a bias towards working parents. My kids school does this kinda stuff all the time. My ex and 8 both work so yeah it sucks for us, but it also sucks for every other family that doesn't have one parent that doesn't work. Thankfully our jobs are flexible, but we literally juggle the kid all school year and then summer is a nightmare of different camps. Thankfully my mom helps a lot, but my ex receives no help from her parents so it's a lot to deal with.

The economy wants you to have kids to keep it going but they they make it very difficult for you to do that and also have a job. And that's not even talking about when one parent does stay home for 20+ years and then tries to reenter the workforce, only to be punished. Raising kids IS a fucking job and should be compensated?

 

[tsealock]

@jebusofdenmark See if you can work out with another parent where you do early drop off, and they pick up.

Alternatively, is there local transit nearby he could take home?

 

[jukes]

@tsealock OP said they live in a rural area, transit is an unlikely option.

I'm also rural. Funny tangential story: My eldest has been remote schooling for 3 years, even after her college opened back up, because there isn't a bus stop for 10 miles, she can't afford a car and doesn't have a license. We are lucky though, we have a stable Internet connection that can run zoom. During the lockdowns some of the public school kiddos couldn't even zoom. A lot of our outlying areas are still served by dial-up internet.

 

[charlief90]

@jebusofdenmark Yep I feel this. My son does hockey and it’s a lot of driving him around. I have my parents to help and a babysitter but I often have to leave work early and I hate leaving early

 

[baca]

@jebusofdenmark I grew up in a single parent house hold and played a lot of sports. I hitched a ride with kids who lived out where I did, basically a tuck and roll and they drove by my house.

I’m in the same boat being a single parent. I try and find someone who drives the same route me kiddos need to go. But I return the favor when/if I can.

 

[ferrick]

@jebusofdenmark Could you speak to your boss about this? Maybe as a one off you could leave at 11 then come back at 1 to finish off tour shift

 

[karacolleen]

@jebusofdenmark You’re right. Its so hard. My solution is to get jobs that ONLY can accommodate the fact that I have a child and I will always do what I can to be there for my child. It definitely still makes it hard because then I am limited what jobs I can work but in my life it’s worth it. It’s a sacrifice I have chosen. I’m not saying this is what you should do because it might not fit for your life but it’s what I’ve decided. I always let a job know that I cannot work that schedule because I HAVE to be there to take my son to school. If they can’t accommodate then I turn it down. But I have found there are a lot of places that are understanding of this so I try searching for those jobs. He is still in grade school though so for now it’s most important to me. I know when he’s a couple/few years older it will change. I can’t wait for him to start driving!! Lol. Hang in there!!

 

[fall1971]

@karacolleen Can I ask what types of jobs you’ve found that are willing to accommodate this?

I had some luck when I worked for social services, as it’s a mostly female-dominated industry. But I was the unfortunate one who got the “bitch boss” (out of 4 other possible bosses) who demanded that I never call in for my kids and I always have back up care which is impossible when you have no family, no friends, a single parent, and don’t make enough for a nanny).

I’d be interested to hear what you’ve found, as I’m needing to make moves in a new career anyway

 

[jukes]

@fall1971 I own my own business so I get to set my own schedule. I own a cleaning company.

Because cleaning is a luxury service, any one clean is not mission: critical. We can reschedule clients if it becomes necessary. If my child needed a ride at noon each day I would reschedule my 11 and Noon clients for 1 pm. Simple as that. As a boss, I make sure my workers get the same flexibility in their schedules. Need time off for a doctor visit, sick family member, heck, something that is your own damn business (not mine)? Sure! You got it. We have enough work hours to share, and enough that we can handle it with one less worker if needed, also. Our clients would rather have healthy, happy, housekeepers than miserable people desperate to get the day over with.

This doesn't work for every person, and I make far below the median income in my area, however the benefits of being there for my kids is worth living frugally.

Most people who are self employed or work on a contract basis have the opportunity to set their own schedule, so that is something to look into. I'm not out here trying to advocate mopping floors for a living, there are plenty of more lucrative opportunities to be had.

 

[fall1971]

@jukes That’s really good info and a good avenue I’ll look into. Thank you for sharing

I definitely like the idea of not having my work/services be critical. I worked as a CNA for a short while and I always felt terrible on the days I called in, as I knew the staff would be short and patients wouldn’t get the level of care they deserved. I would feel a lot less guilt/anxiety about rescheduling a customers cleaning lol.

 

[karacolleen]

@fall1971 I would say least likely to accommodate are retail or restaurants.

I find office jobs that allow start time of like 9 works for me. But yea it’s hard to find an office that really does care about you as a person. I’m picky and I can tell based off interviews how it’ll turn out.

I recently went into dental assisting and found that a lot of orthodontics offices open later.

 

[fall1971]

@karacolleen Yes, idk how anyone, single parent or not, can work in retail. The shifts are a mess.

That’s really interesting, I may look into that, thank you