@muya Wow! I didn't even go through half of what you've gone through and even my brain broke from all the stress of the early years of childrearing.
I had OCD (even prior to my son being born) and it did get A LOT worse after my son was born. I didn't get on medication because I was nursing (and couldn't transition my son to formula because of his food allergies). I think my therapist was trying her best but the severity of my symptoms were a little outside her wheelhouse.
But yes, due to my OCD I was always convinced my son was dying. Especially fearing that I had fucked up or would fuck up and cause him some kind of harm.
And I didn't even get enough time to myself to see her in person, (or go anywhere besides home and work) we started doing phone appointments once my son was born (and this was pre-covid)
I actually did get really close to suicide.
I'm not going back to that whole place...
Honestly, in the months after my son was born I did get REALLY close to having another kid. And it wasn't because I wanted one, it was because I wanted to get it out of the way.
And because the more time I let pass was more time tacked onto the end, you know? Like, if I had another kid right now, while my son is three, my childrearing will be 21 long instead of 18 years. And you know, if I had a child now, I would have six total diaper changes years instead of three.
...You see the logic hear, I'm sure. I was the sort of kick who always chose a quick paddling over a long grounding.
Anyhow, now I'm thankful that I didn't do that. So very thankful that I didn't have another, in those confused months of dark despair.
For me, the baby stage was also just about survival. Nothing about it was enjoyed. If I woke up and found that my son had been a dream all along...the relief I would have felt. And would have run screaming from my husband.
My husband ALSO claims it will be better this time. HA! When I say "Things are starting to get better" he says "Now that you see that there's an end in sight, it will not be so bad for you the next time. Because you'll know that it will eventually get better."
HA! THE VERY FUCKING AUDACITY!
"I don’t understand how he can be so cavalier about this knowing what we went through."
It's because he didn't go through it himself. Did you see Alien Covenant? How can David be so Cavalier when Oram get's chestburst? Because, after wheedling and reassuring him with his gift of gab and his beauty to coax Oram into a dangerous situation, he's just using Oram's body to advance his own agenda. Doesn't care at all the pain or danger caused to Oram. You see?
Anyhow...if you want my input. ...Not that you do... I would strongly advise against relenting to your husband's demands.
Also, would you like to be friends? It's cool if no, but let me know if you'd ever like to chat or become pen pals or talk about movies or books or anything.
