Temporarily stepping away from career to be a stay at home mom?

[john76]

I (33 y/o F) have an 8 month old in daycare and it’s not going well. Currently looking for a nanny, but given the cost I’ve started wondering if it makes sense to just step away from my career temporarily to be a stay at home mom. What’s tough is I spent a decade in school earning a PhD and am currently in what I thought would be my dream job, where I earn a great living. However, lately I’m dissatisfied at work and frustrated my daughter is in daycare all day receiving care that I’m unhappy with and constantly getting sick on top of it. My husband and I earn the same income and live in a HCOL area so this would be a big hit for our finances.

I’m looking for advice, thoughts, suggestions from other moms who have done this and how it worked out for you.

 

[onejeremias]

@john76 Is it an option to scale down - like 80% and then find a a nanny or another daycare? I would try the in between option first before stepping away completely.

 

[chrisjames82]

@john76 I recall some comments mentioning that it's not just the price of daycare compared to your take home. It's experience, annual raises, and retirement income you're missing out on.

Financially, what is your expected income in how ever long you plan to leave the workforce (thinking about promotions and annual raises)? Can you survive on your partners income and do you have any debt (student loans)? How do you plan to manage that?

As an alternative, can you do a nanny share? Are there any in home daycares in your area? If you're in the US you should be able to see the inspection reports online. You can also check out Facebook groups for local daycares & nannies.

I personally found that after the 1 year mark, illnesses improved dramatically. Yes, he still gets sick, but we've got a decent groove.

 

[marker855]

@chrisjames82 Agreed, the constant sickness really died down for us after about a year. As she got older, she has really started to enjoy her little school. She has made good friendships and socially she is ahead of her peers.

 

[bella_k]

@john76 Hey there! Check out the SAHP sub. I was in the exact scenario about 1.5 years ago and agonized over my decision before stepping away completely. I spent several months totally not working and am now back to 20-ish hours a week but as a freelancer (which has its pros and cons). This choice may not be the right one for everyone (see some of the concerns listed by others here) but for me and my family it was 1000% the right choice.

 

[john76]

@bella_k Thank you! I will definitely check it out!

 

[sweetsocalbutterfly2019]

@john76 It truly comes down to your preference. I’m not cut out for the SAHM life so I don’t do it. If you want to do it and can, go for it.

 

[gods70]

@john76 I left the paid workforce to be a sahm when my kids were babies and I was in my mid to late twenties. I ended up changing careers (slightly) when I returned. Ultimately I’m about 8 years behind my college contemporaries who did not leave.

I wanted to take the time with my kids. Homeschooled to 3rd grade (I’m in early childhood education and wanted to be their teacher) and I was aware of the detrimental impact to my career when I made the choice. Having a supportive partner was /is key and it was the right choice for me. It is not the right choice for everyone.

 

[marker855]

@john76 Ugh. I am right there with you. There are no easy answers. I wish I had more helpful insights but wanted to let you know you aren’t alone.

 

[sifiso]

@john76 I mean you have a PhD, which means you’d probably have no problem getting a good job whenever you decide to come back. I actually just posted in the r/teachersintransition sub that they added a master’s/doctoral differential at my school district. And right now there’s such a shortage that you’d probably get the job and be at the top of the beginning pay scale with the degree!

 

[katrina2017]

@john76 I spent 3 years getting my JD and 5 more obtaining my dream job.

I got a nanny. I’m able to telework and still see him throughout the day. The cost is alot, however my wages will only increase. It’s a short term hit to keep me in the workforce. I wouldn’t be happy if the kid was in daycare and would leave the workforce. But hearing him giggle all day downstairs is worth every penny.

 

[john76]

@katrina2017 Thank you! I needed to hear this today. I currently telework as well so I’d be at home if the nanny search works out! I’ll keep this beautiful picture in mind as I’m sifting through to find the right nanny

 

[katrina2017]

@john76 It’s honestly the best scenario! I’m incredibly happy and it’s the best of both worlds. I get to keep my career and keep my long term earning potential. And I get to keep my little one close to home and see him all day during breaks. I haven’t missed any of his milestones.

We had planned to send the little one to daycare but at the end of my leave I told my husband I would leave the workforce if he made me do that. I should have thought of our current scenario sooner but you don’t know what you don’t know. I’m also 34 and we live in a HCOL. We could have survived on my husbands salary but my job is hard to get and I doubt I could reconnect with the workforce in 5 years.

Nannie’s short term are expensive but you’re playing the long game and thinking about your wages/retirement long term.

 

[john76]

@katrina2017 Thank you! This is so so good to hear. Can I ask where you found your nanny? I’m currently pursuing the typical avenues (care, sittercity, local FB mom groups), but having to sift through a lot of applicants and not seeing anyone great just yet.

 

[katrina2017]

@john76 I went through a respected nanny agency in my area. They are pricey (you usually pay two months salary to the agency). However, they vet the people so well that the candidates they send you are all fantastic. They check all references, do all background searches, etc.

I have friends that avoided the nanny agency and found their nannys via community list servs and sittercity. I’ve also had friends find them via word of mouth. They ended up with good people but had to do a lot more work.

 

[somebloke]

@john76 Have you looked into other daycares? There may be one that suits your needs better. In the next six months to a year your child is going to start being more social. My kid started daycare at a little past fourteen months and made wonderful friends there right away. They had a preschool and prekindergarten program that was wonderful. It was a great source of stability for us and my kid is miles ahead of his kindergarten classmates socially and academically. Get on some waitlists and look for a center that you can love.

 

[john76]

@somebloke If I’m being completely honest with myself, I don’t love her being out of the home at this age so I don’t think I’m ready to pursue another daycare. I tried to make our daycare work and I absolutely love and trust the main teacher, but it still makes me uncomfortable and I have never really settled into the idea. I think it will be extremely beneficial once she’s a little older, so we will likely put her on waitlists since they are long with the intention of starting her closer to 2 years.

 

[revdstephen]

@john76 Can you do remote with the nanny or a nanny share or a nanny with kids? Or part-time with part-time daycare? Do you have any family that can help? What are the issues with the daycare? Maybe a smaller home-based one might be a better fit and might be available quicker for your baby. Alternatively you could step away and join back when your baby is in pre-school around 2.5 to 3 yrs. However it will be very difficult transition for you to be a SAHM. If you want to get any shopping for yourself or baby then get it done now before leaving. And then for the next year and half you’ll have to immerse yourself in enriching your baby with activities. SAHM is not easy either and will be like a new career for you. I would actually cut back career-wise for the next few years, taking a remote role or a flex role where you get paid by the hour perhaps and can take unpaid leave when needed. After baby goes to pre-school you can return back full-fledged.