Struggling to Make a Decision

[winddancersong]

Hi everyone. I’m 6 days postpartum and struggling to make a decision one way or the other with respect to breastfeeding or exclusively formula and hoping some wise words will strike a chord for me.

Some background - I had a breast reduction about ten years ago and during pregnancy was only able to collect the tiniest amounts of colostrum. My son was born on Tuesday by c-section. He had blood glucose issues that nearly sent him to the NICU, so I supplemented with donor breast milk while still getting him to latch on. It was so hard and all he did was cry and cry (he was 9 lbs, 10 ounces at birth and so so hungry, and I just didn’t have enough for him). We got home on Thursday, and we picked up some formula on the way home because I was terrified his blood sugar issues would return if I tried to EBF. For the last 4 days, we were just formula and neither of us minded it. I didn’t even bother trying to get him to latch because it felt so futile.

This morning, I woke up to some lumpier breasts and figured my milk must be coming in. I tried pumping and got almost nothing, but I was able to collect maybe 1/3 ounce with a Haakaa. I felt so proud of myself and my body. But at the same time, my kid eats between 2-4 ounces of formula per feeding, every 3 hours. I know I probably could get my supply up enough to reduce my reliance on formula, but I just can’t imagine having enough to exclusively breastfeed.

I want to do what’s best for both of us, but I can’t help but feel like a failure. Part of me feels like I should try, but another part of me wonders at what cost. And is my clock ticking in terms of getting my milk to dry up easily, if I do decide to switch to formula? I’m not in pain yet and my breasts aren’t engorged or anything, so is it better to cut my losses now and save myself some trouble down the line?

I almost wish I’d never had any milk come in at all, to save myself the trouble of having to choose. Now, though, I have at least some choice and I don’t know what to do. Any thoughts, advice, been there & done that would be welcome!

ETA: Wow, I have been completely blown away by how many of y’all took the time to read my post and respond. Thank you so very much. Obviously, I haven’t come to any decisions in the last two hours, but truly and from the bottom of my heart, I appreciate everyone sharing their stories and perspectives to help me suss out my own.

 

[kaka7aya]

@winddancersong Switching to formula was the best thing I could have done for my mental health and my family. The guilt is real and i tried so so hard to exclusively pump, then bf that I was making myself completely insane. I cried for days because I felt so guilty, but when I saw him absolutely thriving on formula and how much better I felt, I knew then I could let go of the guilt. He’s almost 7 months old now and so chunky and completely healthy.

 

[maramoo]

@winddancersong FWIW, I didn't want to breastfeed and never even tried. Not wanting to breastfeed or pump is a legitimate reason to not do either. Formula is very nutritious and a lot of the purported benefits of breast milk are overblown. My baby is thriving on formula. However, I understand the guilt is very real! There is a lot of pressure to exclusively or partially breast feed.

If you want to continue BFing or pumping but are concerned about supply, combo feeding is an option. I know a lot of people on this sub do that.

If it would help put your mind at ease, I recommend reading The Baby Formula Expert website to learn more about what goes into formula and why. @theformulamom on Instagram is also great and supportive!

 

[johnb445]

@maramoo Same here! I tried once and was like nope, not for me. My mental health would seriously suffer if I continued. I’m lucky to have a very supportive family and doctor so there was not much guilt as they reassured me formula was perfectly fine and healthy for baby boy. And he’s doing so well with it that I’m happy with my decision! To me, a fed baby with a happy mama is all that matters.

 

[jasondn]

@winddancersong I can't give much advice as I'm only 10 days postpartum and definitely not any kind of expert. But I will say that you're not a failure if you decide to not breastfeed. I know I definitely felt like one. My plan was to exclusively breastfeed but my girl was so, so hungry at the hospital and just cried all the time and never wanted to latch. I was stressing myself, my husband, and my daughter out for days just because I hated feeling like I was failing at being a mom. When I finally made the decision to just do formula on day 3, it was quite literally like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I could finally let go of the stress and guilt. I quickly learned that there's no wrong way to feed your baby, whether it's with breast milk, formula, or both. The most important thing is that the baby gets fed.

 

[crypticarts]

@jasondn I had almost the same exact experience except I quit around 6 days postpartum. I literally was only thinking about when I was going to breastfeed my son next and how terrible it was going to go. He had a terrible latch even with a nipple shield and my boobs were bleeding and scabbing from the pain. I was starting to resent feeding him and spending time with him. As soon as I switched to exclusively formula feeding, I loved feeding him with a bottle. It honestly felt like just as much of a bonding experience. I was thankful no one gave me a hard time about switching. The only person beating myself up about it was myself. My boobs got extremely hard and sore when my milk came in too. I couldn’t imagine dealing with that constantly while figuring out how to regulate my supply. It was stressing me out and I feel like I would have slipped into a deep postpartum depression if I would have continued. Now I don’t have any guilt about my decision whatsoever.

 

[porcelainpetal]

@winddancersong We are combo feeding, which has been the best option for us and I feel like this is not really talked about often enough- There is no rule that says it has to be one or the other!

I pump 4-5 times a day and pair whatever breast milk I can give him with formula. He occasionally nurses too, but that depends on his mood (and mine haha).

I decided early on that I didn’t want to be tied to exclusive breastfeeding and I didn’t want to kill myself pumping around the clock, but I still wanted to try and give some breast milk if I could.

 

[fghj]

@winddancersong We feed our baby a combination of breastmilk by breastfeeding and formula. I wasn't producing enough milk to pump and feed him, and he was eating every 1 to 2 hours. The formula allowed my husband to feed so I could rest. Our baby is doing great.

 

[destined22]

@winddancersong I wish someone had told me in those first two weeks to do what's best for my child: being fed. My kid was born at almost 9 lbs and lost more than 10% of their birth weight by 5 days. LC at my baby-friendly hospital put me on a triple feeding plan to increase supply. Fortunately, they weren't saying that breast milk is best in every circumstance; they gave us samples of formula to supplement until my supply was enough. Well, my supply has never been enough to meet baby's needs, no matter how much I tried. I tried everything. You name it and I did it. Eventually, the benefits in trying to make breastfeeding work did not outweigh the costs of time, energy, and my mental health. I stopped offering the breast around 8 weeks and it was a huge relief. I did continue to pump until about 4 months, and my supply actually peaked around then, not at 2-3 weeks like LCs said. This made me learn that every body is different.

Do what is best for you and your child. Your child will not know the difference between breast milk and formula when they are older. No one will care if they were breastfed or formula fed. Your child needs a happy, healthy, present mother.

 

[jabin]

@winddancersong I had a very similar situation! Maybe my experience can help you think through yours. My son was born two weeks early because they found preeclampsia at my 38 week and so we did an immediate induction. He also had blood glucose issues and we supplemented with formula at the hospital to avoid sending him to the NICU. Once we got home I was so spent from the preeclampsia drugs and so stressed because my blood pressure wasn’t coming down. And he was still so small and was having trouble latching. So we did formula. And it wasn’t until day 5 or 6 that I even tried to pump and I was getting about an ounce each time. I felt like a total failure because I always wanted to breastfeed but he was still too small to latch and so hungry! As I was working through my guilt and shame and trying to feel human again, here is what worked for me. Committed to one pumping session after dinner if I felt relaxed, which we’d give him in a bottle before his bedtime. Offered the breast with a nipple shield after he had some formula to see if he’d latch. Sometimes he would sometimes he wouldn’t. Switched my pump from the medela portable model to the spectra s1. At around 7 weeks I realized my baby could latch! So we have settled on mostly formula and offering the breast for comfort if it feels right knowing he’ll need some formula afterward. At 8 weeks it seems like I still have a bit of milk but it’s more like 1/2 ounce if I pump. I don’t know how much he gets from nursing but it seems to be enough for comfort but not enough for a full feeding. I will be honest I still have days where I feel like I “couldn’t get it together to breastfeed” but that’s a lie that my mom guilt is telling me. My little guy is fed and happy and that’s all that matters, and I still have a month of maternity leave to let go of my expectations and just enjoy life with him. And for what it’s worth he has no nipple confusion at all. He swaps from bottle to breast like nobody’s business, as long as he’s eating he doesn’t care haha! What I have learned is that in this kind of situation, 1. Sometimes the path of least resistance is the best one and there’s really not a wrong choice between breastmilk or formula or combo; 2. It’s not necessarily an end all be all choice of a ticking clock vs. formula; and 3. Your baby might surprise you once he is bigger and stronger! You are an amazing mom! I hope whatever you choose you feel peace and joy when you see that little face being nourished by whatever works best for you and your family!

Edited to add that 1. Emily Oster’s book helped me feel better about the actual proven benefits and 2. The Instagram algorithm pissed me off because all I was getting was breastfeeding accounts in explore. I followed @theformulamom which was a much more positive account!

 

[debarktango]

@winddancersong I have a really negative perspective on breastfeeding due to my own negative experience, so take this with a grain of salt if you like.

Breastfeeding is the biggest regret of my entire life. Every minute was awful for me, despite my best efforts and getting tons of medical support and LC help. It led to a horrible medical situation that could have killed me that insurance didn’t cover (wtf). I feel like I didn’t experience, and certainly didn’t enjoy, the first 2 months of my baby’s life. Then came the crushing guilt of weaning that sent me into PPD.

Well, fast forward to 4 months (2 months after weaning) and I am so, so happy. So is my baby. She just had her 4 month appointment today and she’s in the 96th percentile for weight and height. She smiles and laughs, naps, sleeps through the night, and I love being a mom. Something I couldn’t have even imagined 2 months ago.

So yeah. Obviously I’m gonna tell you to do formula haha. Basically, I say if you’re not enjoying it, don’t do it. The few antibodies my baby got in the first two months of life were absolutely NOT WORTH what I went through and put my family through.

 

[ephremgall]

@winddancersong I’m still pretty new to the mom thing as my LO is only three weeks old, but if it makes you feel any better, I’m struggling with a similar decision. I EBF for two weeks, and I had a lot of issues with pain and mental stress, so I decided to start pumping and supplement with formula. I felt so much guilt introducing formula, and I enjoyed the bond that breast feeding gave me with my newborn. However, the transition to bottles was what was best for our situation and my mental health.

Pumping has also been tough, and I still experience breast and nipple pain though my LO is like a fish and took to the bottle immediately whether the milk is breast, formula, warm or cold. I keep having sore nipples and breasts with pumping and have to wear pads around the clock due to major milk leakage I have.

I work up this morning with intense pain and tenderness in my left breast that was unbearable and only got some relief through pumping. I have a doctors appointment today to have it looked at, but I don’t think I can handle the breast pain and dedication you need to pump and I’m miserable half the time. My husband agrees formula us probably the best way forward for my mental health, but I feel so guilty like I’m failing as a mom to stick with it and do what needs to be done to get my baby breast milk. I know fed is best, and I fully believe this. Anyway, long story short I’m deciding to go to formula fed, but I’m struggling with officially going that route. You’re not alone and whatever you choose will be what’s best for you and your baby.

 

[elislove]

@winddancersong The guilt is real. I almost started this comment with all the reasons I formula fed because even a year later I feel the need to explain myself. But it’s what worked for me. You’ll find what works for you. No one is going to care or know one year from now if you breastfed or formula fed. What helped me get over the guilt and make the final decision was a simple conversation with a friend who mentioned she was formula fed. I never would have known if she didn’t tell me, because no one can tell that sort of thing at 30 years old! My friend was top 10 in our high school class, now has a full ride to grad school, and in general I consider her an intelligent person. And she was formula fed.
As a side note, I watched another friend of mine slave over breastfeeding because she couldn’t get past “breast is best”. Her baby took an hour and a half each feed and the doctor was concerned about his weight. But she couldn’t get past the idea of breast is best. You don’t want to get to that point

 

[sanaqueen]

@winddancersong I has a c section and my milk supply was very low never really came in I tried for two weeks to breast feed and it just didn't work well. Formula feeding was amazing bc both my husband and I could do it and it was great bonding for us both as well as better in the night time so we could get longer stretches of sleep. My cousin has her baby about 3 weeks after me and is breastfeeding and she looks miserable constantly trying to catch and lugging around a pump etc... I just throw a few bottles in the diaper bag and I'm good to go. Formula all the way! Plus I know exactly how much my lil chunk is eating!

Remember fed is best. No one should shame you for your choice either way. You got this, go with your gut!

 

[discord]

@winddancersong My baby is 1 month old. I tried the whole pump every 2 hours, I struggled to get him to latch, I bought lactation stuff and nothing. I would get MAYBE 1 ounce. I was doing formula and giving him what I could.

I stop attempting to breast feed when I couldnt keep up with the demands of pumping and attending to the baby.

Pumping I was stuck to a wall or the couch and I couldn't hold or get to him without stopping. When my help left I didnt have the time.

I figured I could give him formula and be present or stress myself out trying to breast feed when formula is just as good.

Theres enough stress as a mom with a newborn without worrying if you can provide food from your body that already went through it.
So formula it is for me.

My baby is healthy and happy and I'm not connected to a pump every 2 hours.

 

[mariahwmfc]

@winddancersong FWIW I didn't ever want to breastfeed, I saw my mum do it for my sister for a couple of years and I knew going through that wasn't the right choice for me, you wouldn't know my sister was and I was formula fed.

A baby needs a happy healthy mom, it sucks that many information sources do but many benefits of breastfeeding are overstated and you shouldn't put a price on your mental health for the sake of those.

 

[freedomthinker]

@winddancersong I know exactly how this feels, my LO is 3 1/2 weeks and from basically the day we went home from the hospital we had to supplement. I finally broke down one night because he was crying non stop and formula fed. Went to the doctor who said, ok try supplementing until your supply comes in. A week after that, had a lactation consultant come because nothing was working. He would latch, suck about 3 times, and give up. I would pump every 2 hours and get a fraction of an ounce. After a full day of pumping (3am to midnight next day) I'd have two ounces total. Enough for one feed. And I was crying basically nonstop for two weeks because I felt awful. Like this was meant to be natural, why wasn't he eating, why wasn't I making milk, etc etc.

Finally he was screaming hungry and I was sobbing at 2am and finally just went, fuck it. We will do formula. Because I would rather be a present and happy mom to a fed baby than one trying to draw blood from a stone and resenting every feeding session with a starving baby. And I still felt awful about it. The guilt is real. But ultimately, for me it came down to, my baby isn't gonna care that I breastfed him if I'm stuck in a hospital because of a breakdown from the emotional and physical toll it took on me.

You have to do what works for your whole family, and it took me awhile to realize, oh that means me too. And breastfeeding/pumping just wasn't working out for me for whatever reason. The guilt is hard to escape (really hammering that breast is best message in) but it is lessening. The fact that I know he's eating his fill, that he's gaining weight, that he's not crying in hunger every 30 minutes helps a ton.

 

[yupyup]

@winddancersong Your baby is eating formula and is happy. Your baby is eating. Your baby is happy. Congrats Mama, you're doing everything right!

Don't forget that a happy mom is the best parent to her baby. So if removing the stressor of breastfeeding from the equation would make you feel happier then maybe that's whats best for you. And its ok to feel a loss at not being able to BF. But that doesn't make you a failure and you shouldn't feel guilt or shame. Cause you are still feeding your baby. And you absolutely still bond with your baby when you formula feed. I feel lucky that my husband gets to bond that same way, where if I EBF he may not have had that opportunity. My baby still looks right at me when I bottle feed him. He still loves me.

My baby also had doner milk in the NICU and I felt some guilt about not being able to give him "the good stuff" but he THRIVED once he was switched to formula. For him, I think formula is what he needed more than my milk.

 

[rgcounts]

@winddancersong Hi! Congratulations on the new babe!

We had the exact same experience as you when my son was born in October. He had issues regulating his glucose and his body temperature, and we actually did end up in the NICU for a couple days. He was supplemented with formula because I had zero milk (and barely any colostrum). I pumped during his NICU stay and tried feeding him (my breasts are incredibly large and it was so hard to find a proper position to feed him properly), but he always ended up needing formula.

We ended up picking up formula on the way home as well, so I combo fed plus pumped (never ended up with much and my supply was never super great), so that further made me nervous about making sure he got enough nutrition.

We combo fed with the bulk of his feeding being formula, and by Christmas, baby pretty much had no interest in the breast anymore. So he made the decision for me. He's now 6 months old and in the 95th percentile for both weight and height, and he's absolutely thriving. I felt very much like a failure as well until I realized that breastfeeding culture is designed to make you feel like a failure, hardly takes mom's mental health in consideration, and only has a 60% success rate. My mental health suffered throughout the entire struggle, and I'm happy with my decision. I also didn't have much of a supply increase, so if you're already supplementing with formula, you probably won't experience much of a surge in supply...it increases as baby feeds more from the breast.

This subreddit has also been a great support for me. Good luck!!

 

[southernyankee]

@winddancersong I know you have a bunch of comments already, but just wanted to chime in with one more vote to say do what works best for you! Give yourself grace.

My son is 3 years old now and I still follow this sub because it was so helpful to me to have an outlet and support for formula feeding. The hormones you experience after birth are crazy and even if you had a logical plan beforehand, those tricksy hormones will whisper in your ear to make you feel guilt and anger and “less than”. It’s hard.

For me personally, I had insufficient breast tissue and basically don’t have the ductwork to make (enough) milk. Never knew until I tried to nurse and my son literally got nothing from me and than greedily drank every drop of formula. The lactaction consultant confirmed with weighted feeds, so even though his latch was good, he just wasn’t eating. I pumped and pumped and would get 1 Oz per session for both breasts — I had to pump 6 times per day to just get a single full daily bottle for him. Pumping was making me miserable so I quit at 3 weeks and went to 100% formula. It was the best decision I made and I’m glad I made it so early. That said, I experienced tons of strong feelings I didn’t expect - shame, guilt, anger, jealousy..... I still skip past all breastfeeding posts on Reddit and Instagram because I get irrationally angry about it (something I should probably address!)

Good luck to you in your decision and congrats on your new arrival!!