@spookydawg77 I just meant it as an expression, I don't literally mean I'm the devil, although I appreciate the concern shown for my mental health. I am just stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want to do what is best for my son in regards to his safety, but in doing so I could potentially destroy a father and sons relationship by restricting access, or if in reporting it, I could completely change their family's dynamic. My son wouldn't and couldn't understand why I would disallow him to go be with his father.
Step Mum gave my son prescription drugs that were not his..
- Thread starter cturtle
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escapewoman
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@escapewoman This option did also go through my mind, should the teacher ask about what he said.
escapewoman
New member
@cturtle I would talk with the teacher and explain your position, that it's illegal and you don't drug kids without a doctor's oversight, and that you are worried about the fallout of making a report, and ask her what she can do or if she thinks you should take him to a doctor.
Your fear about being blamed is totally rational, it's normal for people to cover for someone in their family who is doing something illegal and no one wants to face it, and then the victim is seen as the bad guy for rocking the boat.
Your fear about being blamed is totally rational, it's normal for people to cover for someone in their family who is doing something illegal and no one wants to face it, and then the victim is seen as the bad guy for rocking the boat.
spookydawg77
New member
@cturtle
That's not a given. He's in a conflicting position - he loves and trusts his wife. But she's done something that is inconsistent with his trust. What does he do then? A reasonable person doesn't jump straight to a position of anger and conflict with someone they love just because they've done something they disagree with. They question themselves, they try to understand the other persons point of view, they rationalise and reason that this person that they love and trust must have had their reasons, even if they don't understand them. So no, he's not going to be as angry as you are, because unlike you, he loves and trusts his wife.
I think the important thing here is that you have a conversation with both of them together, not just with your ex. Usually the advice in co-parenting situations is that the ex's partner is for the ex to deal with, you should only deal with the ex, but, that approach is reserved for high conflict relationships. This isn't a high conflict relationship. This is a friendly scenario, where trust has been breached. Going forward, it would be much better if trust could be restored, and the friendliness to continue. But I think the trust can likely only be restored if you hear from your ex's partner that she agrees that she overstepped, and that she promises she won't do it again.
That's not a given. He's in a conflicting position - he loves and trusts his wife. But she's done something that is inconsistent with his trust. What does he do then? A reasonable person doesn't jump straight to a position of anger and conflict with someone they love just because they've done something they disagree with. They question themselves, they try to understand the other persons point of view, they rationalise and reason that this person that they love and trust must have had their reasons, even if they don't understand them. So no, he's not going to be as angry as you are, because unlike you, he loves and trusts his wife.
I think the important thing here is that you have a conversation with both of them together, not just with your ex. Usually the advice in co-parenting situations is that the ex's partner is for the ex to deal with, you should only deal with the ex, but, that approach is reserved for high conflict relationships. This isn't a high conflict relationship. This is a friendly scenario, where trust has been breached. Going forward, it would be much better if trust could be restored, and the friendliness to continue. But I think the trust can likely only be restored if you hear from your ex's partner that she agrees that she overstepped, and that she promises she won't do it again.
@spookydawg77 We've spoke on the phone where she admitted that she gave the medication to him. She admitted she was wrong and apologised but then went on to justify herself by saying all the kids were hyper and she couldn't deal. I remained calm and just told her I was upset and angry and that the conversation would have to end there because I didn't want to escalate. We have a good relationship and have often speak on the phone, sometimes for hours. I have trusted her with my son since he was in nappies so this kind of behaviour wasn't expected. The reason I haven't gone to the police is I don't want to hurt their family unit as its a serious offence and if reported could result in prison time. Its not their kids fault that she had a serious lapse in judgment, and luckily my son didn't have any serious problems when the drug was taken. I posted on here for the first time, because honestly I am lost and wanted some other opinions for clarity. I appreciate your input. Thank you.
@cturtle What a bunch of idiots that your ex and his wife is, that’s not how medication works in the brain btw, throwing a few tablets at it. Talk about breaking your trust too. Honestly, I don’t know how comfortable I would be trusting them again with anything. They lied, didn’t put your son’s health and safety and welfare first.
@owens266 Thats what I am angry about. He wasn't cleared by a doctor for this medication, he could have had some adverse reaction or anything. I love him whether he has ADHD or Autism or not, and as his primary caregiver whom he spends 46 out of 52 weeks of the year with, its mine and my sons choice when the time is needed to make a decision to medicate him or not. Not because she fancied an easier day. Honestly I'm so lost.
@owens266 My son is currently awaiting assessment for both, the paediatrician thinks he possibly has both but until I get a proper diagnosis from a specialist we won't know for sure. He is just waiting for the test dates to come through. The wait in the UK for diagnoses is at an all time high unfortunately. If my son feels like he wants to be medicated to concentrate better in school then I will leave that up to him to decide. I believe he is old enough. For her to medicate him behind my back to make her life easier is the infuriating part. It is neglect also in my eyes.
@cturtle I posted here not long ago about a similar thing, "step mom" took it upon herself to diagnose my 9 year old with asthma and gave him an inhaler that was prescribed to her friend, and then also diagnosed him with allergies and gave him allergy meds, all without me knowing until after the fact.
I have no advice here, just that I'm here sharing the WTF with you.
I have no advice here, just that I'm here sharing the WTF with you.
@susanm It's just unimaginable isn't it! Like I'm grateful she takes care of him whenever my son goes to their house, my ex is military so he's not always able to get time off when my son had school breaks so she does deal with him quite a bit until my ex gets home after work. I've trusted her for most of my sons life as she's been in it for a decade already, but this just breaks that trust. If my ex knew he should have ran it past me too. He's due to go back in October for half term but how am I supposed to be able to trust now? Like it's not a small thing.
Some people just don't use the brain in their heads do they? I hope your son is okay now!
Some people just don't use the brain in their heads do they? I hope your son is okay now!
@cturtle Ugh yes! I'm still processing this and so many other little things. It's so hard when the peace already exists and you don't want to break it. She also took it upon herself to change his doctor to her doctor, without asking me and telling me after the fact. She's also basically denied him medicine like Tylenol for a fever and instead have him natural health remedies. I could go on and on.
Like I've never been a step parent, but back off if the kid already has 2 functional parents? My husband (stepdad) only ever spends time with him and such, not making important parental decisions, he knows it's not his place and kid already has a dad.
Ugh it's so incredibly frustrating, I'm worried I'll blow up soon after years of peace. I shouldn't have let things slide and build up. I guess that's my advice!
Like I've never been a step parent, but back off if the kid already has 2 functional parents? My husband (stepdad) only ever spends time with him and such, not making important parental decisions, he knows it's not his place and kid already has a dad.
Ugh it's so incredibly frustrating, I'm worried I'll blow up soon after years of peace. I shouldn't have let things slide and build up. I guess that's my advice!
@susanm It sounds like we are in very similar situations. My other half assists me in raising my son but like yours, understands that he has a father. Albeit one that values his career over his children, but that's beside the point. He does him and I do me.
Ugh your step Mum sounds like a right pain in the behind. I honestly can't understand how you've kept the peace. Kudos to you.
Ugh your step Mum sounds like a right pain in the behind. I honestly can't understand how you've kept the peace. Kudos to you.
christiananon
New member
@cturtle Saying this as a mom of 5 kids, one of them with autism, and one of them with ADHD.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear. But. Honestly, if she tried Ritalin off the cuff with a kid who was already going through an eval, in reality all she did was save you a bit of time and money, and save your kid some heartache.
When kids get diagnosed, it’s mostly a matter of the child and parents taking lots of survey type tests, think like a personality test, and then the psych saying “well, it’s more likely than not. Let’s start with trying this medicine and see if it does anything”. You give the medicine for a while, praying it does something good, it usually does not, you go back to the doctor and they say “let’s try this next”. Meanwhile you have paid for 3 months of meds that you have to throw away, you have to buy three months worth of different meds, and you have another $100 consult fee.
This repeats until you find a medicine that does something good, or you give up.
Yes she shouldn’t have done it, but if your child said they felt better on the medicine, that’s gold. Have him tell the doctor how he felt. How someone reacts to medicine can be very helpful to a diagnosis.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear. But. Honestly, if she tried Ritalin off the cuff with a kid who was already going through an eval, in reality all she did was save you a bit of time and money, and save your kid some heartache.
When kids get diagnosed, it’s mostly a matter of the child and parents taking lots of survey type tests, think like a personality test, and then the psych saying “well, it’s more likely than not. Let’s start with trying this medicine and see if it does anything”. You give the medicine for a while, praying it does something good, it usually does not, you go back to the doctor and they say “let’s try this next”. Meanwhile you have paid for 3 months of meds that you have to throw away, you have to buy three months worth of different meds, and you have another $100 consult fee.
This repeats until you find a medicine that does something good, or you give up.
Yes she shouldn’t have done it, but if your child said they felt better on the medicine, that’s gold. Have him tell the doctor how he felt. How someone reacts to medicine can be very helpful to a diagnosis.
escapewoman
New member
@christiananon If he tells the doctor how he felt when he was illegally given someone else's medication, the doctor could ask the mother why she didn't report it when she found out it happened. It might not go the way you think. It's illegal to give prescription drugs to people they weren't prescribed to and doctors take that very seriously. (Also, medication for children under 16 is free, isn't it?)
christiananon
New member
@escapewoman Sorry I missed that you are in a different country. It works differently over here in the states. Medication for children here is definitely not free lol 
@cturtle I understand where you are coming from. I would be concerned about my coparent giving my son a controlled drug without my consent aswell. My advice would be to forgive, Stepmom did seem to show remorse and admitted to she should've checked with you first. You are correct to not sweep it under the rug also. So to not sweep it under the rug I think the answer is to set firm boundaries. "This time I accept your apology but next time I will have to do what's best for my child. If that's calling the police or going to court to modify custody then that's what I will do." I would also address with the child's father that he lied to you about something serious. "making decisions for our child that you would have to lie to me about is probably not the best decision".
There is other things in here I don't like, like SM saying "all the kids were hyper active " but I don't see a reason to get caught up in details. I think the best thing to do is forgive, set boundaries, and move forward.
There is other things in here I don't like, like SM saying "all the kids were hyper active " but I don't see a reason to get caught up in details. I think the best thing to do is forgive, set boundaries, and move forward.