So tired of being gaslighted when I say I had a traumatic birthing experience *TRIGGER WARNING*

[hyacynthia]

**edit: I just want to say OMG, thank you all so much for the overwhelming support. Thank you to everyone who shared their story and/or sent kind words. I love this group so much. Sending my love to every one of you!

Original post:
I’m getting my Fallopian tubes removed next month. For those who may not know, it’s the safest way to get your tubes “tied.” I am so excited because it means I won’t have to worry about getting pregnant ever again.

I absolutely adore my daughter. Pregnancy was hard. I had gestational diabetes which is super depressing when your pregnancy craving is freaking tangerines. Heartburn, pain, all the fun stuff. When she dropped, the pain was incredibly bad (she dropped in the wrong position).

TRIGGER WARNING Then my birthing experience was rough. I was in induced labor (because my water broke before contractions) for over 24 hours and pushed for 4 before they decided she was stuck and I needed an emergency c-section. I was awake for that, and I kept hearing a heart monitor go flat. I kept asking if my baby was ok or if I was dying and nobody would answer me. They pulled her out and there was silence for what felt like forever except for the doctors rushing around still ignoring my questions. Finally, I heard her cry and they let me see her…

After that, I cried every time I was alone for a long time. It took me over a year to mentally forgive the doctors for not telling me what was going on in the operating room. And sometimes I freeze up during sex because I’m so scared of getting pregnant and going through that again. Sometimes I have to buy pregnancy tests just so I can calm down my nerves, even though my birth control should be 99.9% effective. So I believe this surgery will help me feel comfortable in my own skin again. And if I do ever want another, I’ll be stoked to adopt.

So, today when I told someone I trusted and who I thought would understand that I’m one and done and getting my tubes removed, she asked “why.” I told her “most likely PTSD.” She asked, “why?” I told her “24 hours of labor ending in an emergency c-section” and she said, “so? I was in labor for 30 hours and had an emergency c-section.” Ok…? So you don’t have any traumatic feelings about that?!? Good for you! But damn, please don’t belittle the scariest moment of my life and make me feel like I should be ashamed for not wanting to do it again. My mom is bad too, and if I say anything, it’s always, “well the doctors did such a great job, you should just be grateful! Btw, please don’t get your tubes tied…”

Anywho… I don’t really know why I’m posting this. Maybe just to let off steam? Or maybe to let anyone else out there with a traumatic experience know that you’re not alone… it took a lot for me to post this, so thanks for reading

 

[chrisb1984]

@hyacynthia What is traumatic for her might not be traumatic for you. What is traumatic for you might not be traumatic for her. The issue is this person's lack of empathy on the matter. I'm sorry, and I hope you can either tell them that or are able to find people in your life who can support you better.

I found out that my son could have died and my daughter too if not for modern procedures. In those first few months it was such a terrible feeling. Now I'm not so upset, but still angry about the attitudes of the first set of doctors.

I've come to realize that under different circumstances they probably would have communicated better. I don't think hospitals are set up with a patient's mental health in mind unfortunately...

 

[hyacynthia]

@chrisb1984 I’m so sorry. I think about that with my daughter and myself too. It’s crazy! Thank you for your reply

 

[panlyk]

@hyacynthia I had severe preeclampsia and just got lucky that I had an appointment with my midwives the day my blood pressure shot up to 220/180. I was rushed to the hospital, surrounded by nurses, full of IV's, and getting bloodworm and shots one after the other, in a state of absolute shock and terror the whole time. I almost DIED. Like...wtf? You know?

Then, once I was stabilized and assured I could probably have a normal labour I was induced and had a precipitous labour in absolute chaos instead which was also terrifying.

My girl was tiny and had trouble expelling the mucous from her lungs so she would just like...suddenly turn blue and we would press a red button and a team of nurses would rush in and clear her airway and then tell us it really was no biggie, but like...didn't show us how to deal with it before they sent us home. Which was fully bonkers to us.

Pregnancy and birth are nuts, man. It was easy for us to plan to be a family of four before going through an absolutely HARROWING experience.

My mother still insists that you don't remember the labour, just the love you feel when the baby is born.

I see you, and you don't have to explain or justify yourself to anyone.

 

[beardedbloke]

@panlyk Sorry that happened lady. I had a bad experience too w my son born 6w ago, planned c was ok it was his admission to the nicu that I couldn’t handle. I still can’t talk about it on Reddit..I feel your and OPs fear.

 

[katrina2017]

@hyacynthia I had something called a precipitous labor. Basically the baby flys out. I went from 3 cm to giving birth in 90 minutes. I wanted an epidural but there was no time. It was 100% drug free and extremely painful. And all the elitist moms around me would tell me I was 'lucky' to have a quick and drug free labor. Bitches i almost died, it was uncontrolled and scary. It took me years to get over. So i feel you, i see you and i hear you. Birthing is not easy. If I had the balls to do a surgery, I would get my tube tied too. I hope your recovery is quick and that you can find space to heal.

 

[debbyzy]

@katrina2017 My mom was a midwife for years in England and she always said the scary births are the ones that go too fast. Too much can go wrong too quickly. Glad you both made it

 

[forbidner]

@katrina2017 I feel you. My 2nd was the same and I'd had a whole other kind of drama with the first. I was at 2 cm at 4.00 and she was born at home around 6. Not sure the exact time because it was fucking chaos. I didn't push and I was holding by babies head while the midwife put gloves on because she had to run out to the car to get her bag.

I had spent the last hour and a half demanding to go to the hospital and get an epidural, but because I was at 2 cm at 4 and i have never been good at expressing pain, everyone was super dismissive. I remember just being so so angry holding her head and doing everything I could to relax my uterus so i wouldn't tear again (spoiler alert, I tore really bad anyways).

I'm really lucky I don't have any real lingering trauma issues from it, but people should realise how crazy out of control birth can feel and how easily that translates into trauma. Even a seemingly straight forward birth can be so hard for a mom if the people around her don't support her in the way she needs.

 

[missjojo]

@katrina2017 Fellow precipitous labor mom (2hr, 45min, 13min... I'm 32wks now and half expecting to just wake up with a 2wk old between my legs one morning lol)

And oh my fucking god, I can't eye roll hard enough at the "you're so lucky!" comments.

Like, bitch no. You still feel ALL THE THINGS from a regular length labor.... They just get condensed down into a much shorter timeframe so it's insanely more intense. The idea of meditation or breathing techniques or any of the normally suggested shit makes me bust out laughing. Ain't got time for that shit. I don't tell the mom's who have labor for days how to handle their business because I've got no freaking clue what a 30hr labor would be like so my uninformed opinion is not helpful.

 

[shiningbrightly318]

@katrina2017 I didn’t have precipitous labour, but when induced I get to fully dilated and the kid pops out (very short, 2 push kinda deliveries). It’s not reassuring when the doctor is like ‘I guess we’re just going to wing this one’ and the staff is literally running around. But at least they were prepared for it with my second.

Note: thank you nurse Kelly that recognized my second was being delivered because I had no idea (I was actually kinda sleeping but waking up from the pressure, I went from full sleep to baby in hands in minutes),

 

[mcgovern55]

@shiningbrightly318

thank you nurse Kelly that recognized my second was being delivered because I had no idea (I was actually kinda sleeping but waking up from the pressure, I went from full sleep to baby in hands in minutes),

Omg this happened to me too. The nurse pulled up thr sheet and baby's head was already out! Was your first really big?

 

[akags]

@shiningbrightly318 I got induced with my first, and the induction meds made contractions start coming on really fast and strong, so the doctors actually gave me medicine to stop it for a while lol.

 

[theflower]

@katrina2017 Same! I went from my first contraction to holding my son in just under two hours.

It was my second induction, and I thought I knew what to expect. My first birth was so straightforward! I had an epidural and literally didn't feel anything, I pushed for 30 minutes, my daughter was born, and that was pretty much that.

Nope. I went from nothing to back-to-back contractions (seriously, back to back, the nurses were surprised,) I got an epidural but it didn't take for some reason, and I felt so confused and so out of control. The doctor came in to check me and said it wasn't quite time to push yet, but I couldn't not push. I had no choice in the matter, it was happening with or without my participation. Pushed twice and my son was born.

Unlike my daughter, who was absolutely silent when she was born (alert and looking around, but she didn't cry) my son was born screaming and kept it up for about two months. He scream-cried the entire time we were at the hospital unless I was holding him.

Everyone who knows how my second delivery went seems to think I should be happy I had it so easy, that it's better to have it over and done with quickly. I spent a long time wondering what was wrong with me, why I didn't feel lucky and why I thought my first delivery was better. I didn't understand why my son's birth fucked me up so much when everyone was telling me it was the "perfect* delivery. Turns out some people are just assholes who refuse to listen when you tell them "hey, this event really messed me up."

The only "cool" thing about that experience was when the nurse came up to me a few minutes after my son was born and asked if I wanted to see something kinda neat. My baby had managed to tie a knot in his umbilical cord and, since he was totally fine and it hadn't caused any issues, the nurse thought it was pretty neat. She'd worked as a nurse in L&D for a few years but had never seen one and she was adorably excited about it.

 

[akags]

@katrina2017 That sounds really scary tbh. I had c-sections both times, but even I can imagine that faster is not always better when it comes to childbirth. Like...there's a reason your body gradually dilates from 0-10cm and that the whole process takes time. I dont think our bodies are really designed to just do all of that super fast, and like another commenter said- that doesn't really give docs a lot of time to handle any other complications that pop up.

I dont really understand why any women are out there belittling others' birthing experiences. Childbirth sucks, and it's not like people are lying about traumatic experiences...so like what is the point of someone saying "well my experience was fine". I dont get it lol.

 

[katrina2017]

@akags It was scary. Luckily I was already at the hospital because I had some bleeding and was high risk. I was supposed to be induced but showed up a few days earlier bleeding. The doctors kinda ignored me and said they would reassess the situation in the morning. Water broke at midnight, I was 3cm at 1pm then baby was out at 230am.

 

[eccemachina]

@katrina2017 Precipitous birth here too. Went from 2 cm to 10 cm in about 90 mins like you. Drug free forceps and episiotomy yay! Baby’s heart rate was dropping and I was just rolling around screaming. Can only remember bits and pieces of the whole thing. I would wake up in cold sweats for weeks after and be thrown right back into it. Giving birth is scary in the best of situations and down right terrifying when things go sideways!

 

[faith4l]

@eccemachina Same here. I was induced so I opted for the epidural before the precipitous labor came on, which everyone was stunned by - (no family history as far as I know, my grandparents were adopted.)

Birth trauma is birth trauma. If things go scary and it's not your cup of tea, then that settles it.

 

[giilife]

@katrina2017 SAME! Except they gave me an epidural at the last minute because I was squeezing my baby to death and couldn't breathe from the pain. Fucking hate it when anyone tells me how lucky I was for it going fast or how it couldn't have been traumatic because I didn't need (actually didn't get) more medical intervention. I am absolutely terrified of ever getting pregnant again. I legitimately am traumatized to the point where I would rather take my own life than go through this again but sure, no biggie...

 

[hyacynthia]

@giilife I feel you with being scared of getting pregnant! It is a big deal! I’ve been waiting so long for my tubal removal surgery just for that piece of mind. Sending love your way

 

[emwu]

@katrina2017 Yep, sort of similar story here. Induction drugs were turned up too high, went from 3cm to birth in 2.5 hours (maybe it was 2, it was a blur), drug free and felt the 3C tear I got.

Except that before I had to push him out, I was begging the midwife to check me, and when she did, baby’s heart rate dropped and never recovered. Turns out his cord was compressed so he wasn’t getting oxygen. It was down for several minutes and everyone and their dog ran into in the room. I was only 9.5cm and my body wasn’t ready but I had to push him out because it was an emergency. It was terrifying. OH and his shoulder got stuck so I had one midwife on my belly trying to rock him out while it was happening.

And of course he wasn’t breathing for what was probably 30s but felt like an eternity.

Birth is fucked up. Sure, it can be beautiful, but it can be fucked up and scary too. And that’s what it was in my case.