Sleep consultants can FUCK. RIGHT. OFF. (Part 2 - The follow up)

[cupoftea]

Link to original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/NewParents/s/kNoGmcN6bI

Given the outpouring of support, advice and occasional message telling me that my wife and I are monsters/scum/high wired for allowing our LO to cry for ages, I thought a follow up post was warranted.

Disclaimer, again:

1. If a sleep consultant has worked for you and your family, that's great!
2. Sleep training - fine. Sleep consulting industry - cunts.

TL;DR: If you're a sleep consultant, fuck you still. Bunch of scheming bastards preying on desperate vulnerable parents.

Shortly after the original post, we had a follow up consult via the phone with our sleep consultant. It had been 5-6 days of hell; our baby cried for just about as much time as she actually slept (I literally took note of the minutes). She had also switched on very quickly to what was happening. The minute we dimmed the lights and started changing her in preparation for a nap/night sleep, she would start losing her shit. This is something that never occurred pre-sleep-consultant.

She continued to eat poorly and lost a little weight in this time period as well.

On our phone call, the consultant was audibly shocked that the techniques/advice was not working, claiming that most families see some sort of improvement in the first 5 days.

She asked us to detail what we doing to ensure it was what she had taught us. She pounced on a small discrepancy in what she taught and what we were doing (she advised leaving the night light on while we feel LO prefers darkness with whatever incidental light is in the room - eg indicator lights on aircon, light from hallway that makes it under the door etc)

She harped on for about a minute on how this is probably the reason why the training isn't working.

I then pointed out a few other things we felt were not right and she had 'rebuttals' for each one:

E.g. baby would get MORE distressed when we tried the consultants resettling techniques (her response: oh yea, that happens for the first week). I BEG YOUR ABSOLUTE FUCKING PARDON?! WHY CALL THEM RESETTLES WHEN THEY RILE THE BABY UP MORE?!?

E.g. baby hates traditional swaddles. Prefers a sleep sack. We had mentioned this to her at our appointment and she ignored us (her respnse: oh if that's the case, use a sleep sack). WHAT?! YOU MEAN WE FUCKING TRADITIONALLY SWADDLED OUR KID FOR A WEEK FOR NO REASON?!

E.g. baby isn't eating as much and is losing weight (her response: that's normal. She's burning calories from all the crying). NORMAL FOR A 5 MONTH OLD TO NOT EAT AND DROP WEIGHT?! WHAT?!

Towards the end of the call, she said that habits take up to 21 days to break and that we should keep trying.

We told her we didn't sign up for a cry it out method of sleep training and won't be continuing. She refuted it wasn't CIO because her process includes intervention while CIO, apparently, doesnt.

We stopped implementing all her shitty advice after that call. My wife is finally convinced its all bullshit. She's slowly coming around to the fact that we just need to give babies what they need - and kudos to her for realising this. It's still a work in progress, but arguably a major shift in mindset can't happen overnight.

Baby is back in a sleep sack, low sound machine. Thanks to /@dagobah pointing us towards The Beyond Sleep Training Project which was are immersing ourselves in.

LO still catnaps, but we resettle by picking her up, comforting her and then patting in the cot, if needed. She settles faster and more and more naps are being rescued. Her night sleep is back on track (1 feed, some early morning wakes) and she's eating well and putting on weight again.

Once again, thank you to everyone who posted messages of support and advice on the other thread. It means the world to us that so many people cared enough to take time to respond.

Onwards and upwards from here.

 

[dbonatucci]

@cupoftea Oh my!! I'm glad you guys dropped what wasn't working and are switching gears to another method. That first lady sounds like her advice was brutal and potentially considered an act of terrorism on you guys lol. I would think a professional would realize when their advice isn't blanket that works for everyone.

 

[lackofaclevername]

@cupoftea Agreed. I hate the baby sleep market. People do not universally sleep well for a multitude of reasons, and sometimes there's no fixing that. A baby who just entered the world and is experiencing and learning new things cannot be guaranteed to sleep well if you just do x, y, z. There are certain things that can help, and those things may vary baby to baby because they are not little machines with the same settings. Good sleep hygiene and routine are great, but not a guarantee.

The baby sleep market and predatory, unregulated consultants running around going "every baby can be sleeping x hours a night with x hours of naps per day and they will with a 95% success rate if you just follow my program" can get bent. It's not real. It's snake oil, but the worst kind because it is preying on people who sleep like shit and don't have the mental capacity to see that it's bullshit until after they pour 100s, if not 1000s, into consultants, gadgets, glorified blankets, and literature.

Babies have always slept like shit. We just used to have more of a community of support and less unrealistic ideas of going back to work 6 weeks post partum. We're desperately trying to "fix" babies so they fit into this new world that never slows down for them and it's gross that there's people out there taking advantage of that.

/ end rant.

 

[ralitza]

@cupoftea I can’t believe they recommended a swaddle at 5mo wtf that’s dangerous

 

[iamthankful]

@ralitza I was gonna say, the Venn diagram between swaddling and sleep training should have no intersection.

 

[briank7]

@ralitza Perfectly normal if babe isn't rolling.

 

[natk]

@cupoftea The entire industry is a scam. Solidarity in your anger my friend. I never paid a dime into it but it is 100% a predatory industry.

 

[tanya30]

@cupoftea Habits take 21 days to break. Sure, for an adult. In 21 days your baby completely changes. The only thing that "solves" sleep issues sometimes is time. So whether you're torturing yourself trying to control the uncontrollable or not, it has changed in 21 days.

All this stuff sucks. The number one thing that saved my mental health with babies was my mom telling me babies are chaos and to just survive it. I'm so much more friggin relaxed with my second not looking for problems to solve.

This stuff is so hard I'm sorry you went through this.

 

[jillmj]

@cupoftea That sounds horrible. Honestly you were on a good path before either consultant.

I’d highly recommend Precious Little Sleep if you haven’t read it. It gives good insights into sleep development and has a variety of methods. Helped me go from awful sleep to a much better place.

 

[jimincharlotte]

@jillmj I second Precious Little Sleep! In the early days when you are desperate for solutions, there are so many programs and consultants out there and even if they mean well, it can feel so so predatory!

The PLS book summarizes most of the techniques you’ll hear about (as long as you are ok with the idea of sleep training/learning) without dishing out much money and I keep going back to the principles she talks through even though my LO is almost 10 months and sleeping well at night now. I borrowed it from our library using the Libby app first so it cost us nothing to check out, and then eventually bought an e-copy when it was on sale for like $1 recently.

Wishing you sleep and peace!!!!

 

[gaconvn]

@jimincharlotte Thirding Precious Little Sleep. We got it as an audiobook for like 99c as well.

 

[anglic9823]

@jillmj I don’t like precious little sleep, the tone of the book is the earlier you implement the sleep practices the easier it will be. I was a wreck trying to get my 2 month old to sleep in a cot with patting when all he wanted was me to hold him.

 

[rob_tenn]

@anglic9823 I can't remember what PLS says, but I have a hard time believing ANY sleep training recommends methods for a 2 month old. There's nothing to do at 2 months, besides whatever gets you through the day. Sleep, eat, diaper, play, repeat.

When they say "earlier the better" it's talking more about starting before ~9 months and beyond, when your baby has some object permanence understanding, and gets that mom and dad are leaving them alone in a crib. All that makes it harder if you don't start it by then.

 

[anglic9823]

@rob_tenn Not sleep training, but things like patting to sleep instead of holding or feeding to sleep, it did definitely recommend it at very young ages. Lots of sleep programs recommended routine and against feeding to sleep or contact napping from early on

 

[chenml60]

@cupoftea So glad you posted a positive update! Happy that you guys are back on track.

 

[singbassman]

@cupoftea I'm with you. We eventually got lucky with our LO but at first I was reading a lot of sleep blogs and going nuts. So much contradictory advice and so much that felt wrong in my gut. It's very similar to life coaching - unregulated, they can say whatever they want and charge what they want, etc. It's maddening. PS I also really like Hey Sleepy Baby, who is anti sleep training.

 

[kateg]

@cupoftea I love Heysleepybaby on IG. She’s the only reason I realized that sleep training is not necessary and that babies/need comfort. I don’t even like sleeping away from my husband so why should I just leave my baby to cry alone in a crib?

 

[graziella]

@cupoftea Lyndsey hookway on IG is always my recommendation

 

[israelbendavid]

@cupoftea We never used a sleep consultant. We tried gentle methods and were not successful. All this to say that I feel for you.

Just do what gives your baby the best sleep they possibly can at this stage. Sleep deprivation sucks, but it's worse with a cranky, tired, and hungry baby on your hands.

It will sort itself out over time.

 

[heismerciful]

@cupoftea Thank you for the rec for TBSTP - I just spent a half hour reading their material and joining their FB group! I agree with what everyone says here about the predatory practices of the parenting industry in general and I try to remember that for THOUSANDS of years, there have been babies who learned to sleep. There have been centuries where there was no “mom coach”, “sleep consultant”, or “parent specialist.” I think good parents just do the best they can and seek out knowledge that works for their children and also helps them evolve and grow with their kids.

Kudos to you OP for changing directions when it didn’t serve you.