Single father of 4 (3, 5, 6, and 9), and my youngest cries for mommy every time she’s disciplined, even though she left when she was only 6 mos

[bpoluden]

@noochandthegoodbook I think every person that goes through a discomfort calls for their mother! I stubbed my toe this morning and called for my mum even thought I’m 25!

I think your child needs comforting more than anything, you shouldn’t take it personally but most children will call for their mother. The fact that she barely knew her and wants her breaks my heart. I don’t disagree with discipline but it would help to talk to your daughter and understand what she is going through rather than feeling anger.

 

[tanyagomes]

@noochandthegoodbook My nephew still cries for his mother when my brother disciplines him and he just turned seven, she hasn’t been in his life since he was two weeks old and she unfortunately committed suicide, he cries for her when he’s upset with his dad, or occasionally when things just don’t go his way. Somehow I doubt it’ll stop anytime soon, all she has is you, and what she thinks her mother could have been like in a certain situation, either would have given in to her or wouldn’t have reacted the same way, and so of course she cries for her because all she has is a preconceived ideal mom she’s likely built up in her head based on tv moms and the mother of her friends/peers, I have absolutely no doubt that it’s extremely upsetting for you both, but she has no other ways to react at her age, continuously reminding her when she does this that you’re sorry, but mommy isn’t here, I am, I love you, and so did she but she’d say/do the same thing is what you can do

 

[damarisbelieves]

@noochandthegoodbook I’d guess that kid is smart. She sees that it triggers an emotional reaction and when they are in trouble they are sad and want to share the feeling. Stop showing any reaction to it. Like she was speaking another language. And you don’t even know what she is saying. Don’t react. That’s a goal seeking behavior. She can upset ya with it. You can take back the power by acting.

 

[maximum7]

@noochandthegoodbook I’m a single father of a 5 year old girl and my daughter has done the same thing for the last 2 years. Hopefully someone gives you an answer here I can read as well.

 

[cb1985]

@noochandthegoodbook If it’s any consolation, I used to cry for my grandma when my mom disciplined me and I didn’t have any special attachment to my grandma. I think sometimes kids just cry out for ‘help’ from a maternal figure they feel would help them, even if that person isn’t there (And they especially don’t want you because you ‘caused’ their pain.) Try to reassure her that you don’t like to be ‘the bad guy’.

At the same time, it must be tough on you to control your own emotions without someone to take over when you need a break. Do your best to keep your cool with her and not blow up or say something you regret (ex “well, mommy’s not here so too bad!”)

 

[kh7777]

@noochandthegoodbook My daughter was 2.5 when her dad died from a heroin overdose. She used to cry for him and say she missed him up until she was 5ish (now almost 7) even though he was always in and out of her life and never contributed much. It used to drive me nuts.

She would say things like she missed when he would take her to the park which never made sense because he was not allowed to take her places as I had full custody always. It was then I realized she was basing it all off pictures she would see and not actual memories. I started asking her what she remembered and missed and everything she said was from pictures I knew she had seen at his parents house (pictures of him at a park that I invited him to with us once, Christmas when she was a baby etc). She would invent stories to go along with the photos. She wanted to have a dad like all of her friend so she fed off of the photos.

I then took down all pictures we had of him. I put them in a photo album instead of being actively displayed because it became an every day occurrence for her to cry for him. She can look at the photo album whenever she wants but it’s no longer displayed in her face every day.

I’ve since married someone else and she’s almost 7. She refers to my husband as her dad and her biological father by his name. She really has no real recollection of her biological father. Once she gets older she will want to know. But it’s too much for a kid to grasp.

My feeling is sometimes blasting a deceased persons memory/face everywhere does more harm than good. It did for us. I think for you, time will be the ultimate factor. Just know that it may be more of the idea of “mom” that she’s grabbing for and not actually her mom.

 

[bredwill]

@noochandthegoodbook Mama is almost universally a reference to mother. This isn't a special, magical thing, but because 'mama' is the easiest word to say.

IHere is a wikipedia page on the phenom.

Getting her to stop: I would recommend that you address your own emotions for this event. You probably wouldn't care if the kid cried pizza, would you?

The pain and anger is inside you. Talking to people is a step in the right direction.

 

[dbrunell]

@noochandthegoodbook this may help, or not

But my daughter is 1 and a half, doesnt really speak yet, but whenever she's upset or hurt she babbles mama, i dont think she quite understands that mama is a person, as she uses the word to mean im upset or "give me comfort"

it could be that she's not asking for her mommy, but crying for comfort?

 

[consolee]

@noochandthegoodbook My baby cries for her daddy when I get onto her- he was there when she was born up until 2 weeks old. Then he was gone. Once we started daycare all she talks about is daddy and cries daddy when she’s in trouble.

She probably picked it up from other children or if she does daycare you know. The way I try to make sure my daughter knows her father by making a very simple photo album/book with her closest family members and friends. We read it at night and while she still cries for her dad sometimes she stopped calling random people daddy.

It’s difficult, and children shouldn’t have to learn these things, but it will help her when she’s older if she understands that her mother isn’t there earlier on. This way it becomes more a matter of fact rather than her one day asking “who is mommy and where is she?” and you having to out right say this is your mom and she left/hasn’t been here.

 

[caress23]

@noochandthegoodbook Do you think your way of disciplining her might be a part of the issue?