Single dad having conflict with ex over daughter sexuality

[bethanyjf]

Preface - Ex and I split Valentine's 2017. She went back to her ex after being with me for 7 years. She tried to get me to sign over my daughter right away and pay child support, the whole 9. That did not happen. We are now on good terms and get along really well, co-parenting is pretty decent, but have some very different idea's on child raising and age appropriate situations. Ex had 2 other daughter's from prior relationships (relevant). I am as close to custodial parent as it gets without being labelled as such. Ex takes "K" after school from 2pm - 5pm While I am at work, and every other weekend (most of the time). She also works and sometimes leaves K unattended with her older siblings.

My 8 year old daughter wrote me a letter the other day. It simple said "Dad, I'm Bi, Love "K". I sent a pic of the letter to my ex and talked to my kiddo. When I asked her what that meant, she told me that it means you like boys and girls. I told her that is correct, but it is also an adult term for a type of relationship for ADULTS. I also told her she is at an age where she should be wondering about what she wants to be when she grows up, and making herself happy 1st, before even thinking about what kind of relationship she wants to have with other's. I then asked her who is talking to her about this stuff, she said her older sisters who are going on 12 and 13.

For context about why I am worried, the almost 13 year old got busted watching gay pron (male) 2 years ago (not long after I moved out) and identifies as bi, the almost 12 year old watches adult type programming including Family Guy, Bob's burger's, and Big Mouth.

Below is the convo I had with her/their mother

GM - Sends pic

X - Yeah she told me and wanted me to tell you. I told her she had to tell you.

GM - You know she is way too young for this kind of behavior right?

GM - She's 8. Why is this even a topic with her?

X - It's how kids are now. All she knows bi is is liking boys and girls and has nothing to do with the sex part.

GM - Then please help me and help her correct the terminology. She said she is getting this info from (Named both sisters individually), they are MUCH older than her, and this term has a much different meaning at their age.

GM - They need to know this is not appropriate for them to talk about that kind of stuff around her, That's our job as her parents.

GM - Being friends with boys and girls is not "Bi"

X - Do you remember what grade "oldest daughter" was in when she said she was bi?

GM - and she was too young as well. "K" is not her.

X - Call ask a nurse and find out what they think

X - I'm still working (She owns her own house cleaning business, and was at a home out of town)

GM - I think I would rather come to her next therapy appointment

Opinions? My IRL friends and family I brought this up to say I am definitely in the right and approached it well. I am working myself at the moment and will read replies and answer as many questions as I can when I can. Therapy is on Wednesday.

 

[mille]

@bethanyjf I don't know, most people I know knew they were straight or gay by fairly young age. Sexuality is about more than sex. I think you should respect what your daughter is telling you. Is it possible that she doesn't fully understand what it means to be bi and will change her mind? Sure, but knowing her dad supports her and trusts her to know herself better than everyone else will only do good things for your relationship.

However, talking to her therapist is a good idea regardless.

 

[bethanyjf]

@mille Thank you for your input!

 

[mjallday]

@mille Not to mention what she says today at 8 doesn’t mean it’s what she wants at 20 or 40. But yah therapy is always good. Assuming a good therapist.

 

[bethanyjf]

@mille I do not feel this is an appropriate subject for her older sisters who HAVE experimented with these types of matters already to be talking to her about. I feel her mother should be setting her straight that it is something she should not worry about right now, she will figure it out as she gets older, and she should worry about being a kid and playing with toys and video games. I also feel her mother needs to tell the other two to knock it off. Can you please expand on your definition of the term? Maybe a little more perspective would help me. I feel like kids should start to question these things at her age (birds and the bees talk), but to outright make that statement makes me feel like she is being fed info and potentially groomed to be someone she may or may not be. She knows I support her no matter who she decides she wants to be. I make sure to reinforce this with her frequently.

Per merriam webster - sex·u·al·i·ty | \ ˌsek-shə-ˈwa-lə-tē \

Definition of sexuality​

: the quality or state of being sexual:a: the condition of having sexb: sexual activityc: expression of sexual receptivity or interest especially when excessive

sexuality

nounsex·u·al·i·ty | \ ˌsek-shə-ˈwal-ət-ē \plural sexualities

Medical Definition of sexuality​

: the quality or state of being sexual:a: the condition of having sexb: sexual activityc: expression of sexual receptivity or interest especially when excessive

Per vocabulary dot com -

sexuality​

The noun sexuality can refer to sexual matters of all kinds. It often describes having sexual feelings. A novel about a teenager growing up may examine the awakening sexuality of its main character.

Sexuality also describes a person's sexual preferences and orientation — meaning whether you're gay or straight. Sexuality can refer to erotic experiences, but it can also be used broadly to refer to how organisms — whether human or animal — reproduce. There are scientists who exclusively study sexuality, from the mating habits of animals to the peculiarities of how humans pair up.

 

[mille]

@bethanyjf I misspoke, I meant that sexual orientation is about more than just sex. For example, I am straight, I knew I was straight before I had sexual feelings because I only had romantic interest in boys and not girls. When I was around that age I wanted to be/be friends with the Spice Girls but I wanted to marry the Backstreet Boys. I didn't need to be sexually attracted to anyone to know there was a difference.

I completely agree that she is too young to talk about sex but I don't think she is too young to talk about orientation. Especially since one of the members of her family is LGBTQ+. I talk to my 4 year old about orientation in age appropriate terms that don't include anything about sex. I started talking to her about it because she told me only boys can marry girls so I corrected her and said anyone can marry anyone if they are both adults and love each other.

You are allowed to think I am full of crap and ignore what I say I am throwing in my two cents anyway, your daughter is going to hear things about mature topics whether from her friends, her sisters kids at school, movies, tv, etc and some of it is going to be bad information and some of it she wont understand but when she has questions, she is way more likely to go to someone who she feels supports and respects her over someone who is likely just going to tell her she is too young to think or ask about those things.

 

[jay7]

@bethanyjf The younger girls understand sex and sexuality the more protected they are. I can't imagine what goes through a father's head when he hears his youngest daughter identifies sexually in any matter, but shaming her or telling her to suppress it won't necessarily change her feelings.

Girls might "date" when they're in middle school. If she feels comfortable sharing these thoughts with you now then you're clearly doing something right! Try and foster that trust and understanding. If she feels confident in who she is, what sex is and when is appropriate, and the difference between "good touch" and "bad touch" then she is more likely to make smarter choices when the time comes. Its the girls who are taught to feel shame or taught that they are "too young" to have those thoughts that are more likely to act out to prove those around them wrong. The more open you are, the morre knowledge she will have and the less she will have to rely on her sisters for that input.

 

[bethanyjf]

aaaand sidebar says this post may be removed.... maybe repost in relationships? Mods any input?

 

[gloriouschild]

@bethanyjf Ehh..my daughter is 9 and I’ve always told her you can have friends that are girls and friends that are boys but you don’t do “boyfriend/girlfriend”‘stuff. Just explain to her that being “Bi” has nothing to do with friendships and she can be friends with whoever without a label.