Should I call CPS on my best friend (who's a single parent)?

[faith20175]

@lilyheart That is crazyyyy! I did the same with the vaccinations under a plan made with my doctor. Like, how is CPS going to say that the doctor doesn't know what they are doing. I hope you're able to rebuild your relationship with them as adults!

 

[korvus]

@awesome777yay Please do NOT get CPS involved. Once that connection is made they will be involved for a very long time and can absolutely make the situation much much worse.

Continue to support her to the level you are comfortable and have earnest, real tough love conversations. Don’t sugar coat it with platitudes and “you can do it”.

You’re her friend. Be real. Tell her you’re scared. Tell her she’s putting her kids in a bad situation. Tell her you want to help her make lasting changes. Think of it like an intervention.

 

[zimen]

@awesome777yay Instead of calling CPS, please get family involved. Have you reached out to the father of the children? CPS is an awful place and those kids aren’t guaranteed to be kept together. You also have no idea who they’ll be sent to. I’ve heard too many horror stories of children being put in CPS care. I do agree they need to be taken care of. But not CPS. Call her parents, the dad, the dads parents…

 

[awesome777yay]

@zimen The father of her kids is unreachable and abused her. He physically beat her after their second was born. That's why I advised her to take legal action against him (and provided her with resources and contact information to legal aid). It's been two years and she hasn't taken any type of action against him yet. I will reach out to her parents though, thank you.

 

[iamhisforever]

@awesome777yay She could be scared of what he could do to her if she sues. There’s very little that the law can do to protect you once an angry ex is out to get you.

 

[tana777]

@iamhisforever This! There is a reason I have never asked my son’s biological dad for child support. I’d rather be broke financially than broke mentally again, and as he’s already been physical it could be much worse than that.

 

[iamhisforever]

@tana777 I know… my ex would need to pay a good amount but I am hesitant to file. He’s never shown signs of being abusive but I am a very paranoid person (when I was in my early 20’s I upset a guy and he tried to kill me).

Whenever I see a man murdering his exwife and kids in the news I hurt for them so much.

I rather eat little and spend less but having peace of mind.

 

[katrina2017]

@tana777 I can so very much relate to that

 

[katrina2017]

@awesome777yay If she tries to get child support he will just ask for 50/50 custody. Then he won't have to pay child support and her kids will be with an abusive father who doesn't care about them half their childhood. Or he'll just have 50/50 on paper, not pay child support, and be completely unreliable about taking the kids to care for them.

But more likely she's afraid he will abuse them. She won't get money.

 

[zimen]

@awesome777yay That’s really sad. I hope she gets the help she needs, and the children get taken care of. Best of luck.

 

[cg520]

@awesome777yay I’m a guy, a father, and am divorced.

1) Are you 100% sure, that she was abused, or are you simply going off what she said? Was there any actual evidence of abuse taking place? Was there any documentation of any kind of any abuse? I say this, as a man that was threatened with a false DV by my ex wife with the intention of using it against me and gatekeeping access to our child. I am not taking sides etc…

2) Regardless of any allegations of abuse, if the man Fathered children, and is refusing to actively participate in raising them, he needs to be contributing to them financially. If your friend refuses to pursue this, it’s entirely on her. There’s free legal aid available, there really is no reason not to do this. If the man is indeed abusive as claimed, then documentation should show that he’s not fit to actually have custody of the children and if he does have access it would be limited at best, possibly under supervision again if there is documentation of abusive behavior etc…

3) The situation you’ve described is very disturbing, specifically her seeming obsession of being on dating apps while neglecting her children. She already has two children, they should be her primary concern, not ‘finding a new guy’. That should be waaaaay on the back burner.

4) You’ve described a situation where children are being neglected, a living space that’s not being properly cleaned/maintain. This is a sign your friend is struggling with some sort of mental health issue. This is not normal behavior.

There is no great solution to this situation. Your friend sounds like best case she’s either struggling mentally or, worst case she’s just a really shitty parent that’s putting her desire to ‘find a man’ in front of the needs of her children. Studies show that either of these situations are going to be very unfortunate for the children long term.

Honestly, I don’t feel bad for your friend as she’s an adult and sounds capable. I feel bad for her children, they’re innocent and have done nothing to warrant the living conditions/environment they’re in.

 

[awesome777yay]

@cg520 Yes, I know she was abused. She has photos of bruise marks and abusive threatening texts from him. She showed me them. He also made me feel uneasy back when I met him at their baby shower (when my friend was pregnant). I'm slim (5'7 and 125) and he laughed at me and said I look anorexic. I could tell something was wrong with him but my friend was too in love with him at the time.

I wish she would do something about this.

 

[cg520]

@awesome777yay Ok well that settles that.

Yes, I do hope your friend does something about it.

There’s no reason why this man shouldn’t be providing for his children in some capacity even if he’s chosen not to be a part of their lives.

 

[awesome777yay]

@cg520 Thanks, I agree. Sorry you had to deal with everything with your ex-wife btw. I hope things get better.

 

[mfalcon1979]

@cg520 “If he is abusive then documentation should show he is not fit…”

Lol. What state do you live in where it works like this? Unless the father is beating the fuck out of the children, he will get some access if desired. DV is frowned upon but it absolutely won’t stop you from getting custody. Courts & social services have long since adopted the mantra that it’s ok to be a shitty parent > absent one.

 

[cg520]

@mfalcon1979 Well, you’re certainly entitled to your opinion.

I’m not going to argue with a stranger on the internet, I went though my divorce and saw firsthand how easy it is for a woman to be able to fuck a guy over, my ex certainly tried her best, and my lawyer shared many, many case examples with me to demonstrate how screwed up the system is.

Fortunately it didn’t go in her favour and I refuse anything less than 50/50 custody our son. There’s a lot of shitty moms and dads out there though for sure.

No one should be in an abusive relationship, but it happens all the time.

Peace

 

[mfalcon1979]

@cg520 If it didn’t go her way then how were you able to see “firsthand how easy it is for a woman to be able to fuck a guy over”? Because of anecdotal narratives about people you don’t know and should’ve, could’ve would’ve w your wife?

 

[homeschoolingbel]

@cg520 I am currently in a chuld custody battle with my abusive ex. He had a lawyer and i couldn't afford one due to being the one taking care of our child. After i took our daughter and ran, the judge gave her to my abuser 5 days per week because I'm in a domestic violence shelter! I actually had a heart attack and went into heart failure after that hearing. So please don't act like judges always make decisions in the best interest of the child, or even always follow the law. I have a lawyer now though and should have my daughter back half time soon. But there is no way that this judge will take her away from my abuser. So she is going to have to go until he hurts her and then maybe someone will listen.

 

[cg520]

@homeschoolingbel You said you took your daughter and ran, that sounds like kidnapping, it sounds like that’s how the judge may of viewed it.

If your ex was abusive, hopefully you documented it, have a police report or something and that should give you something to work with in court. If you chose not to document it in some way, that was your choice.

Yes, the reality is family court is still heavily in favour of women, and a woman can make a false domestic violence claim and can ruin a man’s life with literally zero evidence. A man can’t do that to a woman.

The thing that should get people up in arms is that women that make false DV claims actually take away time/resources from actual victims of domestic violence. There are over two thousand domestic violence shelters in the US. Domestic violence is certainly real, and it certainly happens all the time, no one is denying that.

However there’s also a plethora of false claims/charges as well. I literally had my ex wife scream at me in front of her son for me to get the fuck out because if I didn’t she was going to call the police and claim DV, so I have zero empathy for people that make claims of DV that don’t have any evidence to back it up. My lawyer told me filing a domestic violence order is as easy as turning on the kitchen sink. If my ex had her way I’d see my son once a month under supervised visitation. She did not get her way, but man did she try including make up a series of false allegations, fortunately the fact that she wasn’t able to prove anything and also contradicted herself led to everything she was accusing me of being dismissed.

Your situation doesn’t sound great, that’s unfortunate. However You chose to have a child with your ex, and he does have rights as the father.

For what it’s worth if he is indeed abusive I hope you get sole custody and your child isn’t impacted by this negatively.

 

[wrex]

@cg520 You do realise blatant physical abuse is not the only dv, right? It's ridiculous to say the only real dv is the kind that can be documented. Financial, emotional, sexual, verbal, and coercive control can not be documented. I get you're bitter and angry, but get off your high horse.