Setting up Christmas tree ruined teenager’s day

@veronicajohn If you know she hates it, why do you make her do it? It is not nice to force other people to do things they hate. It will only increase their level of negativity connected with given activity and dislike it even more. Teenagers like freedom and will appreciate it. But it can take some time until they notice that not every task have to feel like a negative order. Be patient. Presenting at least 2 choices may also help. It gives teenagers a sense of control over their lifes, which is important for them. For example: "Do you prefer decorating the tree today or helping me with [...]?" or "When do you prefer to do this task?". The more choices you will show, the better.
 
@veronicajohn It’s not controlling to expect your daughter to participate in family traditions while she lives with you. I think you did the right thing by telling her maybe she doesn’t need to participate in Christmas morning. She sounds a little spoiled to come at you afterwards about “wasting her time.” It’s our job as parents to teach them to respect and cherish family time.

That said, we have to choose our “hills to die on” when it comes to teens. If she consistently disrespects the time that you spend together as a family, that’s where your real problem lies.
 
@veronicajohn Teens are a real struggle!!! Remembering being a teen and thinking how mean my parents were to being the parent and knowing understanding their views a bit better now. It’s hard to let them grow up and that middle stage of child fo adult is hard on you both! Teens learning what is acceptable and what is not and learning to grow up and having to make their own decisions and being responsible. I struggle with this myself. I hate my 16 year old spends less time with family it makes me crazy but I do remember not wanting to hang out with mine at his age too so we do enforce that he spends some family time with us here and there.. he did want to do the pumpkins this year and every so often we will tel him we’re going on a family outing such as a walk and he doesn’t fight us on it but he is also allowed to do a lot of what ever he wants with in reason.. his curfew is 10 on weekdays and 12 on weekends.. he’s got similar rules to his friends and his grades are kept up on. Rules can change daily depending on circumstance but I find it’s best to allow him some freeway with his own decision making. Comments like ur daughter made would of course not be acceptable and a natural consequence would happen just like what you did. Hang in there💕
 
@veronicajohn Every single time my two teens have been snarky, uninterested, rude, or bored about our activities, we try to demonstrate some compassionate curiosity. We ask them how they’re doing, and what could be weighing on them. It takes a ton of emotional fortitude and self-regulation to ask these questions and wade through the responses, and I do not recommend it if you don’t think you’re capable of managing your own anxiety or anger, because it will just make the environment more hostile.

Whenever we do this, our kids unload a ton of personal stresses, from minor or environmental (like issues with their cycle or sleep) to social or academic (scared about an upcoming AP test, a friend moving away, or essays for college apps). In the VERY rare circumstances where they can’t identify a root to their mood in the moment they have an answer within two business days. The more we practiced this introspection work the better they became at coming to us before meltdowns or blow-ups.

Growing up is hard AF. IDK if you’re a gen X or millenial, but perhaps you relate to some of the below: If you were raised in an environment where the typical chaotic emotions of development were not allowed, I’m sure it may feel very unsafe to see your own child demonstrating them. It feels like they’re breaking a rule, a rule you inherited from parents that didn’t have capacity to be there in ways you may have needed. But it’s not your rule. And it’s not helpful. And you don’t have to enforce it.

Practicing compassionate curiosity (and a shitton of patience) has helped us have a close relationship with our daughters while they navigate this difficult stage. And it’s also helped them find a way to take responsibility for their moods and behavior while improving introspection.

I realize you didn’t ask for advice and how absolutely exasperating it feels at this stage! Hope some of what I wrote gave you something to latch onto that helps soften things going forward.
 
@veronicajohn I so feel you. My daughter is only 11 and we've been addressing her attitude for a while. It's exhausting. I weep for the future. Didn't envision this part so much....
 
@veronicajohn Her response is normal- rebellion and self differentiation.

How we chose to parent around this energy, is what defines the next 10-20 years of our relationship with our kiddo. They don’t owe the family you decorating the tree.

I turn on Christmas music- or let her pick funky Christmas music. Ask her to put her phone away. Make her a hot cocoa and throw Christmas photos from years past scrolling on the tv. And we all get to taking… as Mom does 98% of the work.

And then ask her what she wants to do to help? What decorations are your favorite?

May I suggest a game to put in your kitchen table- “Table Talk- Teen” edition.

Our beliefs of entitlement, power, obligation and respect have to be sat with and questioned-

What came before us generationally, parenting wise, isn’t going to work moving forward.

This is a great question- thanks for asking it.
 
@veronicajohn I feel your pain and went through this with my 15 y/o this weekend. Except she was all excited to help and then started to complain about how much work it is and eventually laid down on the couch and was on her phone. It hurt a lot because I thought she was truly excited to help and I had some good expectations for the day. Teenagers are the worst and I’m so sorry for how you are feeling. Virtual hugs sent to you.
 
@veronicajohn Gotta let it go momma, it sucks, but ask and if they don't want to decorate/shop, etc. then put on a holiday movie and enjoy! it only gets harder from here... start mentally preparing yourself for the kids growing up.
 
@veronicajohn Sorry, OP. I’m really struggling this year too. I just want to have a few nice years as a family with the holidays, and it’s hard to have them act like spending time together or doing anything to help out is the most annoying thing in the world.
 
@veronicajohn Your teenager will survive. It was an hour of her time. Given the amount of time you put towards giving her things and making her happy she can deal with being bored for a little bit doing something she doesn't want to do. Yeah I get it's normal for teenagers to break away from parents, but just allowing them to be buttholes and never having to do anything they don't want to do just spoils them and is setting them up for failure. They need to learn that in life we don't always get our way and sometimes we have to suck it up and do stuff we don't want. Jobs, school, relationships, etc. is pretty much doing things you don't want or feel like doing sometimes so that you can have a life that allows you do things you enjoy. Real life is going to kick them in the butt if they have always just been comfortable. This is why schools have so much trouble with behavior bc kids just don't think they should have to do something if they don't feel like it.
 
@mjamest Thank you so much! That’s what I was thinking too. She spends so much time doing her own thing and she needed to come be out with the family. Sometimes it’s just tiring dealing with the attitude.
 
@veronicajohn High school ages are THE most difficult. In ten years you'll be much wiser.

It's unfair (of you) to expect her to be all jazzed about doing things that she enjoyed when she was twelve. You are in the season of "which came first, the chicken or the egg"? Was the experience ruined because she had an attitude? Or was the experience ruined because you were nagging her about your expectations?

Hang in there. You won't believe how brilliant you will seem to her in ten years.
 
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