Setting up Christmas tree ruined teenager’s day

[laurapalooza]

@shadow7580 It does create lasting damage no matter what parents want to think. At this age, making a 15-year-old do such things is about control, forced assimilation to parental norms. The child is growing up and is now a young adult. Some parents don't want to accept that.

 

[shadow7580]

@laurapalooza

is about control, forced assimilation to parental norms.

Exactly. The same norms that are shared amongst similar adults. The learning of which is one of the actual marks of maturity and adulthood. Literally teaching kids about how to be a social person in a social world. This is not a bad thing!

 

[seebs3]

@npfionna I agree. Giving her some choices to give her some sense of control could be a better way to handle these type of situations in the future. I know it’s hard but try to always remind yourself that this is going to pass and you want to think of the type of relationship you’re building for the future. I have a 17yo daughter that almost wanted me to jump off a cliff but we are slowly doing better

 

[seebs3]

I meant to say “almost made me want to jump off a cliff “ lol

 

[laurapalooza]

@npfionna Good luck.

 

[jonvil]

@npfionna An attitude of collaboration and teamwork - not control and authority - fosters a healthy and trusting relationship with teenagers.

 

[npfionna]

@jonvil Didn’t OP try to foster teamwork by asking her daughter to help out? She did so begrudgingly and had an attitude afterwards…

 

[jonvil]

@npfionna Power struggles are difficult at that age. It’s an ask, but is it really? If the teen can’t say no without punishment or getting a guilt trip, it’s a demand. Demands inherently create a power dynamic in this situation. Collaboration might look like saying “Hey, I’m really looking forward to decorating the tree with you this year. Would you like to do that with me right now, tonight, or maybe another time tomorrow?” This shows a gentle respect for their time and energy. Teens are dealing with awful mood swings and hormones and might now be feeling up to it right that instant. If you get a reply that no, they don’t want to decorate it at all, teamwork could look like non-judgmentally asking why not. A lack of judgement is important. You may feel strongly that family time is good for them, or feel hurt that they don’t want to, but making it about your emotions makes it all about you. In this case, it’s important to have empathy for yourself (“Oof, that hurts that they don’t want to join me right now. That’s hard. I’m going to take a second to take a breath and give myself some understanding and kindness.”) and understanding for them if they say they aren’t interested in that this year. You will find other ways to have memorable holiday times together without it being your way or the highway

 

[katrina2017]

@npfionna Actually she acted mature. She said no.

Then her parent didn’t listen.

 

[npfionna]

@katrina2017 Begrudgingly decorating the tree and following it up by telling Mom “you wasted my time” is mature? It’s rude and presumptuous to think that at 15 years old, you get to duck out of anything family related should be tolerated.

 

[katrina2017]

@npfionna

Begrudgingly decorating the tree

What choice did she have?

and following it up by telling Mom “you wasted my time”

It’s the truth though.

at 15 years old, you get to duck out of anything family related

Emphasis mine. Where did you get that from?

Just curious: how old are your kids?

 

[npfionna]

@katrina2017 My kids are 16 and 9.

Maybe I’m projecting but I would be lit up about this issue too if I was in a constant state of pushing family time and my teen gave me a hard time about the tree. I think OP has disappeared (lol) but that is what I was sensing in this post. Perhaps it’s a one off thing and this kiddo had a bad day. The world may never know I just felt OP. Like why does such a small thing “ruin” their day? And I’d have some conversations if my kid came at me about wasting their time. With all the shit I do for my kids, I feel like asking them to help decorate the dang Christmas tree shouldn’t be drama filled. Where is the gratitude for HAVING a Christmas at all? It’s just infuriating how entitled and spoiled kids can act sometimes.

 

[katrina2017]

@npfionna I understand the frustration, and op’s feelings also. Been there and it’s not easy. I already went through my adult son slowly pulling out of family traditions and picking and choosing which ones he still wanted to be part of. It wasn’t easy for either him or me.

I believe it’s beneficial for the parent to take a big step back and decide which traditions she wants to keep, which ones she wants to change or toss altogether. Decorating the tree might have been a wonderful activity with her little kids, but it’s no longer fun for the teen. So instead of going through the motions with a surly teen, why not let her opt in if she feels like it? or start a new tradition?

The 15 yo may move out in a few years; it’s in the parents’ power to make the Christmas traditions something she’d want to be a part of, not something she dreads.

 

[npfionna]

@katrina2017 I agree that it should be something they want to do and not something they’re forced to do. Wdyt when there’s younger kids in the family? Is the older kid supposed to model behavior or do they get to decide at a certain age? Thanks for being respectful. It’s refreshing to hear someone else’s opinions without feeling attacked on Reddit!

 

[katrina2017]

@npfionna Good question!

I might ask for the oldest’s cooperation to model behaviour for the youngest, but if he said no, I would respect his decision. I’d find other ways to engage the younger sibling. I started letting my oldest decide as he was a couple of years from becoming an adult.

My kids used to go skating on winter break. Last winter, my oldest didn’t want to go. So I let my youngest go with friends; they also went for a treat after, so she was super happy. This year I’m going to invite my oldest again to participate, you never know

Oh and I know what you mean about having strong opinions on parenting forums. You have to have thick skin

 

[laurapalooza]

@veronicajohn Your 15-year-old is a young adult. By that age, she is no longer living in her home. She is living in her parent's home that is decorated and run the way the parents want it to be. Of course she doesn't want to decorate your tree with your ornaments. She has no agency in your home.

My eldest lost interest in decorating for Christmas. Now that she has her own place, I am giving her ornaments to decorate her own tree.

 

[cl870228]

@laurapalooza great comment. agency is such the right word. my kids look but on such times so fondly and they can now also have them as their own too…

 

[opupi]

@laurapalooza Young adult? Lol!

So, a 15 year old girl/teenager is just like a 23 year old grown adult with a full time job.

I think you misread her age. 15, not 25.

 

[laurapalooza]

@opupi Yes, a young adult.

 

[katrina2017]

@veronicajohn Teenagehood is a time of transition. It might be the time for new traditions for your family.

My oldest is away at university, and I asked him if he’d rather we wait for him to come home to decorate the tree together. He said he didn’t care, he was fine either way