Sanity check- s*xually active teen daughter

[deanerenata32]

I’m a divorced dad of a 14 YO daughter. A few weeks ago my kid came to me and asked for condoms. We had a chat, I advised against being sexually active too soon, we talked about being safe, and I gave her the condoms. I knew this was coming, as she has a long term serious boyfriend (as serious as 14 year old love can be, I guess), and I called my ex wife a couple of months ago to suggest as much and discuss getting her on the pill or something, and that happened a few weeks later. Daughter has been open and honest with me and I love that she feels safe talking to me.

Anyway, fast forward to today and her mom is pissed. At me. She found out kid lost her V card and apparently by providing protection I’m encouraging this.

Am I in the wrong here or is mom just pissed our kid came to me and not her? I think mom found out by doing a phone check and reading her conversations. Oh, and apparently I should have told her. Never mind I told her to get ready for this a couple of months ago.

 

[laurapalooza]

@deanerenata32 You're doing your best to keep your daughter safe and having a productive future.

Also consider the HPV vaccine if she hasn't already been vaccinated... to prevent cervical cancer and certain other cancers associated with the pelvis. Poorly informed parents think getting their kid vaccinated promotes promiscuity. Some of then end up with dead children because of their own ignorance and intransigence.

 

[canadiancora]

@deanerenata32 You’re not wrong. You should most definitely have provided condoms even if it wasn’t what you agreed with. Sorry your ex is struggling with it but it’s not on you.

 

[lgonz]

@deanerenata32 So, to start: when dealing with mom from now on, I'd email. Then you'll have a paper trail.

I think you handled things appropriately, and I say that not only as a mom of a teenager but as someone who's worked in a high school for almost 30 years. We all know that teens think they always know what's best for themselves, because we (hopefully) at least vaguely remember what it was like to be a teenager. We know their brains are not fully developed. We know they are going to make decisions that we do not believe they are ready to make.

You gave your daughter prophylactics and took steps to make sure she was on the pill. You had the talk with her about what being sexually active meant. In my humble opinion, you did the right thing. Why is mom butthurt? No idea, but it doesn't really matter, as far as I am concerned.

You've established yourself as a man your daughter can trust. THAT IS HUGE. Be proud of yourself and the fact that your daughter took the mature step of making sure she had all her ducks in a row.

 

[giamfreeg]

@lgonz My hypothesis, remembering my own mother’s antics, is that she thought her baby was still small and wasn’t prepared that she has entered the teenager phase

 

[%E2%80%A0michael%E2%80%A0]

@deanerenata32 I also think you did the right thing, your daughter will have sex if she wants to have sex whether or not you've given them your blessing.

The only thing I came to add was to please let her know that if she changes her mind it is always okay. It can really really mess with your emotions on top of all the very practical concerns of STIs and pregnancy.

 

[litnedupbeliever]

@deanerenata32 So the condoms were the green light and not the birth control pills that mom got her on? That makes no sense.

 

[ivanthabang]

@deanerenata32 I think you did the right thing. I don't think most parents condone their kids having sex at 14, but my philosophy has always been that if they want to, they will...no matter what. My son was 15 and told me directly afterwards. Your daughter is already more responsible than a lot of teens because she felt safe coming to you and did! You're doing something right!

 

[przemek]

@deanerenata32 Get her on the pill yourself. Condoms are not that effective, especially when used by teens.

 

[thuycidides]

@deanerenata32 Nope. You’re not encouraging it. She’s going to do it anyway, you’re helping her only with protection. Not the behavior.

 

[damarisbelieves]

@deanerenata32 Is she didn’t want that to happen —why did she put on the pill? That’s also allowing it.

Truth is you can’t stop them. You can just protect them.

 

[glennheath]

@deanerenata32 The second I found out my 14 year old was active, we made the appointment and got her the condoms. You have to be proactive unless you want your child to be a teen parent.

 

[scottwilson]

@glennheath Teen parent here- now in my 30’s- she’s right! Keeping that line of communication open is what’s most important

 

[pourpre]

@deanerenata32 I think you did the right thing, and I would likely have done the same. She was going to do the deed regardless and at least she was trying to do it safely. Short of locking her away you really couldn't have stopped it.

However, you do need to have a really good chat to her about all the things, STIs (some can have permanent effects), teen pregnancy (as a teen mum myself, this is important- I understood a baby was possible but had no real idea of what that meant), consent, etc.

 

[deanerenata32]

@pourpre We have discussed all of those things, especially consent. It felt like a very productive back and forth discussion; not just me talking and her shaking her head while watching TikTok.

 

[rachelcheyenne]

@pourpre Someone needs to talk to her About her needs being important as well. As not many boys get the talk of making sure their partner gets their needs met. He is an equal participant and should be expected to make sure he isn’t being selfish. Women and girls deserve to not just be someone’s gratification without receiving their own pleasure. An awkward conversation to have with your kid..but someone needs to

 

[emmer123]

@deanerenata32 When you say “that happened a few weeks later” do you mean your ex got her on the pill a few weeks later?

Why wouldn’t you have told your ex you gave your daughter condoms? Suggesting she get on the pill doesn’t excuse you for not sharing that information. But I would say it’s like a 2 on a scale of 1 to 10 of big deal misses, especially if she was already on the pill.

It sounds like your ex is upset at the situation and is directing too much anger at you. Having your baby be in a position to make babies is an unsettling thought. I’m guessing neither of you wants to be raising your grandchildren right now now or driving to an abortion clinic. This is a high stakes activity and so it makes sense that it’s causing high emotions.

 

[deanerenata32]

@emmer123 Approximate timeline,

1. about 4 months ago, told her mother that I thought she should be on BC
2. About 2 months ago, mother took her to her annual checkup and got the prescription, though she said it was for “hormone regulation”
3. About 3-4 weeks ago, daughter approached me for protection and we had our talk. She said at that time she hadn’t been active yet. I provided condoms, told her what drawer she could find more in
4. Last week I noticed the drawer was getting empty. I have not asked for or been offered any details of her activities.
5. Today. Mom is mad

 

[findinggrace%E2%99%A1]

@deanerenata32 You did exceptionally well in being vigilant about your teen daughter’s future. I’m glad that your ex listened and got your daughter on bc pills. I’m glad you helped your daughter feel safe to come to you for insight and the condoms that will further protect her future.

 

[jeshurun1111]

@deanerenata32 It’s amazing your daughter felt like she could come to you. I started dating someone when I was 14 and had sex a handful of months after that and although I had amazing parents, I just didn’t feel comfortable talking to them about it and I got pregnant at 16, had a baby a week after I turned 17. Never told them I was sexually active. I did keep my son and he’s 13 now and I have another son and I’m a great mom but it wasn’t easy being a young mom! Teens are gonna do it. The fact she felt safe to tell you and you provided her with the protection she needed is you hearing her and being proactive. Good on you!