Sad s/o

[japysymn]

Hello everybody. Me (33m) and my s/o (33f) have been together almost 6 years and she’s now about 8 weeks pregnant. Starting a family has always been our plan but now she’s just so sad. I don’t know what to do. She’s so depressed and is unsure about even wanting kids. I’m just being completely patient and supportive but I need to know from you lot if this is normal/is it likely to change/will she have a change of heart. It’s very difficult for me but obviously tenfold for her. What I had anticipated being the happiest time of my life is instead just a daily struggle to keep her from falling apart. Poor girl, I love her so much.

Any advice appreciated.

 

[giftofgod2]

@japysymn my wife went through the same thing. we tried for nearly 2 years to get pregnant and about 3 months into the pregnancy, she was filled with dread and totally regretted getting pregnant. she hid all the baby stuff and shut the door to the nursery, she couldn't even look at it.

it was so confusing but i just gave her time and didn't try to fight her feelings, just tried to sympathize with some of her worries. and then, she got over it!

it's a huge adjustment and youre not always prepared for the reality of giving up parts of your life and, in her case, her body. she might just need to get over that adjustmnet period and grieve some of what she's losing.

the other part of it is that this early in the pregnancy, you don't have any of the benefits but all of the symptoms. you feel tired and sick and bad overall, but you're not showing and people don't even know you're prgenanct yet. once you get some of the community support and start showing she'll get more excited.

 

[afc]

@japysymn I’m currently 7 months pregnant and I can relate. It’s exciting but also very scary. As someone else mentioned, your life hasn’t changed yet but her life is turning upside down. It could be hormonal or it could be the gravity of all the upcoming life changes… or it could be both. I didn’t talk about the baby much until I was well past 20 weeks. I did still complain a lot about being pregnant because it sucks lol. There are antidepressants/ anti anxiety meds that are safe to take during pregnancy.

 

[keai95]

@japysymn I could have wrote this post word for word a couple months ago. My wife was the same way man, she was in a dark place mentally after a totally planned pregnancy. It's tough but it WILL get better. Best advice is to just be there for your wife however you can and keep it in the back of your mind that better days are ahead. The storm will pass. My wife is 22 weeks now and it's a night and day experience from those earlier weeks. Good luck my friend.

 

[japysymn]

@keai95 Thank you bro

 

[hope088]

@japysymn You're not alone. It's a large step, and while we as fathers-to-be do have some months to come to terms with the fact that everything changes, she has it less so. Sure, it's a step we wanted to take, but it's still, many doors close now. Which is scary.

 

[catherine1192]

@japysymn I had extreme anxiety and also depression at the beginning of my very wanted pregnancy. The depression continued but the anxiety lessened after the first trimester. I highly recommend therapy. Luckily for me anything remaining resolved after I had the baby, just pure bliss. I mostly felt progressively better emotionally across the pregnancy but of course everyone’s journey will be different. Good luck and keep supporting her!

 

[japysymn]

@catherine1192 Thank you

 

[bluesky741]

@japysymn Wife and mother here: I got a severe bout of depression in the first trimester. I was so scared I'd do something to harm myself or my baby even though the child was so wanted. I saw a psychiatrist and they increased my psych meds and it resolved.

A little more context: I was on SSRI meds for anxiety before getting pregnant and was followed closely by my medical and psych team for safety of the meds for the baby. I never experienced depression before becoming pregnant.

 

[chithanh295]

@japysymn Even though she’s only at 8 weeks her body is very much not the same. Hormones are wild and changing a ton every day. You just found out that in a substantial number of months your life will change. Her life changed right now. She may start feeling very sick, tired, anxiety, depression, tons of hunger or loss of appetite (or both at the same time), headaches, body aches.. All within a few days or weeks if not already. There are restrictions she has to follow now along with the fear of harming the baby with her choices. she has to consider the potential damage or permanent changes to her body, the fear of injury and fatal complications for her pregnancy, the pain of childbirth, and the unknown but obviously daunting task of being a parent forever from now on.

It’s a lot. I sobbed in the shower so much in the first couple months. Hormones really do a number on emotions. Who you are and what’s important changes overnight. Just be there for her, don’t tell her how to feel. I know you feel it should be the happiest time of your life, and it is, but it’s also hard and that’s kinda just the balance of creating a family right from the start.

 

[chianna]

@japysymn I bet it's daunting how big a life change it is, right in front of her is the challenge of pregnancy and childbirth, then after that her life will never be the same. A lot more responsibility and a lot less freedom.

BUT here's the thing though... responsibility is the meaning of life. Whatever your philosophy or religion, we all want to be needed by someone or something. You might feel that from work if you are lucky, from your other half or from a pet, but nobody will ever need you more than a child. It's the ultimate reason to get up in the morning. Being a parent is NOT the only way to get that fulfilment, but it's quite possibly the best.

Just think about it, sitting on a beach without a care in the world sounds like a wonderful idea, but it would not be a fulfilling life for most of us. We need purpose. Unless things go sideways which they probably won't, a child is also a friend for life and none will ever love you like a 2 year old that hasn't seen you for a couple of hours. Add to that the fact that having a child usually means people make new friends with other parents.

It's a big life change. But there is just as much, if not more good stuff as there is difficult stuff. Just sharing all this in case you can use any of that to help her see a different perspective about what's ahead.