Regular cycle, strong positive OPKs, timed it just right and still a b-f’n-N :(

[tigersense]

Ughhhh I knew this whole TTC thing was going to be tough but man this is TOUGH. I have irregular cycles about half the time, which can range anywhere from 35 to 55 days so I’ve got that going for me which is great. The 55 day-ers I’m pretty sure are totally anovulatory. Eye roll. When I’m regular, they are 30-32 days and I supposedly ovulate around day 20-22. I know this from temping in the past.

This was technically our 3rd cycle TTC, but the second month into trying ended up being an irregular cycle and our timing was stupid off so I don’t really count that one. So this was the second cycle of knowing we timed it well and hit that sweet spot.

This was the first cycle I’ve ever used OPKs, and I was terrified they were going to confirm my worst fear that I don’t actually ovulate and will eventually need intervention. This fear stems from my history of irregularity and that I watched my mom and stepdad struggle with infertility growing up.

I was overwhelmed with joy when I had two days worth of Christmas tree level positive OPKs and I thought to myself “could it be?? Could this pregnancy thing actually be possible for me??” I could’ve framed those OPKs and put them on my mantle.

By luck, we had happened to have sex two days in a row before my OPK turned positive then of course went at it like rabbits after the positive. So we managed to hit O-3, O-2, 0-1, O, and O+1 (twice). FF says O day was CD22.

I felt so so good about it. Our bangathon was really going to pay off, I thought, in the most precious of dividends. I tried my best not to symptom spot, but it was hard to deny that I felt feverish on and off throughout the TWW which has never happened. I knew I shouldn’t have read into that but my heart secretly blossomed with hope anyway. I really thought I got a bingo this month, and felt so relieved that maybe I’m actually one of those unicorn girls after all. And that this would mean subsequent pregnancies after this one will be achievable easily too and I can actually have the litter of children I’ve always wanted. I’d be able to put my years of fear surrounding my fertility to bed for good. Yas honey!!

My LP is only 10 days long, so my period is due today and I’m also 10DPO. Yesterday I began feeling the familiar feel of my uterus quivering in anticipation of menstrual eruption. Shouldn’t have done it since I already knew what the outcome would be, but I took a test this morning and it was as ghost white as a blizzard in January. And now I have a pink tinge to my CM so I know my final answer for this cycle.

Sigh. Onwards and upwards I suppose. This journey is one hell of a rollercoaster and my heart is with anyone getting those big fat stupid f’n negatives today.

 

[seeking456]

@tigersense I read somewhere on this forum that TTC can be very hard for high achievers. If you’re like me, you’re doing everything right and in non-TTC things that usually results in the outcome you want. Unfortunately, TTC doesn’t work that way. I’m trying to use it as lessons in patience and surrendering - but it’s hard as hell. I’m still in the two week wait, but know I will be crushed if my period comes.

 

[reyon]

@seeking456 I'm an overachiever too! So hard to have a component that you can't control in your journey towards the goal.

 

[tigersense]

@seeking456 Yes, fellow overachiever here too! And a semi-spoiled only child who totally missed the memo on patience lol. That does make a lot of sense, and I appreciate your perspective a lot. I really like the way you describe it as surrendering - I think I’m going to try to incorporate that word into a mantra-type reminder moving forward. I’m crossing all my fingers for you!

 

[michaelmtincher]

@tigersense Oh wow, we seem like the same person. Only child overachiever clocking in here, as well. Wanted to say that, though it doesn't make it any easier, I am right there with you in crushing disappointment this month. Sending you lots of warm, sympathetic vibes. Also, you should be a writer.

 

[basirnia]

@michaelmtincher I am also an over achiever, and I am also a control freak. Not being able to control this is grueling the hardest thing. Sending you all good wishes!

 

[tigersense]

@michaelmtincher Hey girl hey! Only children are so underrated. I’m so sorry to hear we’re in more than just the only child boat together right now though hugs and all the love being sent your way too.

And thanks so much! I moonlight as a fiction and personal diary writer

 

[seeking456]

@tigersense I’m an oldest child, but I did a lot of controlling to keep things stable. And I like the idea of including surrender in a mantra. Maybe “I’m surrendering to the mystery of fertility/TTC.”

And thanks! Right back at you for this next cycle!

 

[julie121]

@tigersense Only child here, too! I think the ‘overachiever’ part comes from being the only one to set the standard, and... well, we always set it as high as possible.

My mantra has - for well over two years now - been: one day at a time. It has helped, when I really, really try to slow down.

No idea what this patience thing that you’re talking about is, though? Must be some new phase people go through.

 

[sisi]

@tigersense I'm sorry. Remember that if you hit the very best days, and you have no fertility problems, the chance of conception is still only around 30% each cycle. So hitting it just right and still not getting pregnant that cycle absolutely doesn't mean there is anything wrong with your fertility, since that would be true for the majority (70%) of fertile couples.

 

[tigersense]

@sisi You’re totally right - I have a feeling this whole journey is going to end up becoming a very crucial life lesson in patience for me. My husband keeps reminding me of the 30% rule too to keep me in check lol.

I feel like Veruca Salt: “I don’t care how, daddy, I want one and I want it now!”

 

[kittym]

@tigersense Totally read that in her voice and can definitely relate. Patience is a virtue...that I don’t have.

 

[emmsmom81]

@tigersense Hahah Roald Dahl teaching us life lessons at every stage of life.

 

[tman67]

@tigersense Same for me this cycle. We hit all the right days and nothing. Sorry OP.

 

[tigersense]

@tman67 It’s such a bummer! Hugs to you

 

[adame]

@tigersense I had a BFN this morning at 12 DPO, brown spotting last night, and pink spotting today. I know just how you feel. My heart is with you, too.

 

[tigersense]

@adame Ugh it’s the worst feeling. Hugs to you

 

[katrina2017]

@tigersense Sorry you are going through this and struggling. It sucks, I totally agree. Been there six times now, feeling like we do everything "right" and then nothing. Take some time for you!

 

[tigersense]

@katrina2017 Ugh hugs to you! It’s a very frustrating feeling already and I’m not even close to being deep into the journey yet. It seems so daunting

Right now though I’m eating Indian food and catching up on bachelor in paradise so that’s what today’s self-care looks like lol. Good luck to you!

 

[jackih]

@tigersense Yesterday I began feeling the familiar feel of my uterus quivering in anticipation of menstrual eruption.

This. This, by far, has been the line I most resonate with in this subreddit thus far. When I first read it, I said to myself, "are you me?!" In the past 5 months, whenever I begin to wonder if this could be the month, I start to feel the feeling you described, and then my mind goes, "of course you're getting your period, silly. You can't get pregnant, remember?" It's bizarre because we've been NTNP, but I've been holding onto the hope that it'll just happen before I have to consider using OPKs, etc.

I, too, have anxieties about infertility, and can't help but feel a sense of "my body is incapable of pregnancy," so your post resonated with me. Amazon notified me that my first order of OPKs has shipped, so I'll be trying OPKs for the first time in a day or two. We'll see how it goes...

Anyway, thanks for sharing your feelings on this journey. I wish you the best!