Recently made friend bathed my child while looking after her (5 yr old)

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spiritualgrowth

New member
My partner (F) has made friends with another mother at school in the last year. (let's call her "J" ).
"J" has a boy and we have a 5yr old girl in the same class and the kids are friends, my wife is kind of friends with "J" although it seems it is always "J" that will be instigating all contact between mums and kids.
My little girl brought home COVID from school and it's worked it's way through our family, but because my daughter got it first she was able to return to school while we have been isolating. "J" offered to walk our daughter to school and back on 2 days, as she walks near our house anyway and we accepted.
"J" then said after the 1st day, if the daughter wanted to stay over and have dinner at her house. My wife said yes.
But when "J" dropped off our daughter, she said she had given her a bath.
My reaction was "What, a bath?!"
J's response was that it was her son's bath day so she put our daughter in there too.
I am uncomfortable with this and am not sure what to make of it, whether I am over reacting or whether I shouldn't let my daughter hang around with this boy or be unsupervised with "J" again.
What would you do?
 
@spiritualgrowth I would talk to your daughter about it. Young or not - was she comfortable with it? Does she want to go back? If you are uncomfortable with it just thank the lady (she prob thought she was helping u out) and ask her to skip it in the future.
 
@spiritualgrowth Eh, it's a little weird maybe. But you trusted her enough to take your child without you being present.

As others said, I would definitely talk your daughter. See how she felt about the bath. Make sure nothing sounds off about it. And just casually bring it up to J that your not comfortable with her bathing her.
 
@spiritualgrowth Im a mom and at age 5 and below I bathed my children with opposite gender siblings, cousins and god-siblings. After age 5 only with the same gender. However the difference is that these children were family and had a long standing relationship with my children. I can't imagine bathing someone else's children without permission, especially if they were only at my house for a few hours, and even my children's cousins and God siblings I made sure to know how their parents felt about it first and we always discussed when it would end (with my family the concensus is 5 years old or when curiosity started showing). I would be livid if someone I didn't know well did this.
 
@spiritualgrowth I am a parent and if I'm watching someone else's child I absolutely would not give them a bath without getting their parents consent first. Especially at an age where they are really in control of their own hygiene.

In saying that, there are situations where it would be different - when my daughter was toilet training and my friend was watching her while I had a doctors appointment she had a pretty big accident so my friend got her into the shower (on her own though) and I felt that was very reasonable.

I wouldn't cut off contact, I'd just let her know you've got some boundaries that she crossed. If she crosses them again then I'd absolutely reconsider any contact!
 
@nat12 Maybe this is a cultural difference. I'm Australian. I've often thrown kids into the bath with mine after a playdate, and other parents have done the same with mine. I've never given it a second thought.

I feel like OP senses a bad vibe around this woman, and the bath is not really the issue, he or she just needs something to pin their feeling to.

But you have to respect your instincts. I'm advising they have the woman checked out.
 
@saulfactuspaul Yeah that sounds about right. I remember nude wrestling with my brother until I was about 10 or 11, then one day it suddenly struck me, and after that I didn't feel comfortable nude around others anymore.

But 7 or 8, sure, chuck the lot of them in the bath. God knows they all need it, lol, at the end of the day.

I'm also thinking a lot of these people, right now while they're answering, it is freezing cold even snowing. So they're probably not rolling around in the backyard mud or spending the day at the beach the way our kids are, lol.
 
@davida1949 NZ here, it would be a non-issue unless the kid actually felt something creepy had occurred. Like if the parent got naked in the tub with them that would be too far, but not just a bath with other kids.
 
@nat12 I mean, maybe at the beginning we'd get on the blower and say shall I give Casey a bath with mine... I really don't remember. Just that it doesn't seem at all weird to me, and I know my mother was the same.

Also, maybe there's a rural/urban cultural divide going on? In the bush people are much more collegiate with raising kids, everyone pitches in giving each other lifts and so on, it's the only way. You can't keep yourself to yourself in the country, communities only survive by helping each other out. It can drive you nuts, sure, people getting all up in your business all the time, but it can save your life, too, and the kids prefer it that's for sure.
 
@kirisoul We still coordinate hygiene routines (reminding them to get showers and brush teeth) but my kids have been asking for privacy in the bathroom since they were about 5 or 6. We would let them get showered by themselves, but with the bathroom door open, and we'd always be in ear shot. We figured if they were old enough to ask for privacy, they were old enough to receive it.
 
@kirisoul My kids shower themselves, brush their own teeth, get dressed and undressed themselves. I remind them but I don't physically wash them anymore. Sorry if my meaning wasn't clear.
 
@spiritualgrowth Gosh, I’ve always just put all the kids through the bath at the same time when they’ve been at our place. It would never occur to me not to. I’ve always seen it as being helpful, not harmful. I wonder if she thought the same. Now you’ve got me wondering if I’ve upset other parents.
By the way, I hope you are all on the mend.
 
@km1141 I try to err on the side of over communication. Do the other parents bathe your kids? If they do than that's probably the norm. If they don't you could just bring it up as "oh they did something silly in the bath" just to open the door to the conversation.
 
@spiritualgrowth I think it's weird and I would talk with the parent and make it very clear you are not okay with this. I would talk to my child about body safety.

No matter what is said here TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS they are in us for a reason!
 
@spiritualgrowth I am not a father, but I think that some barriers were crossed here, your daughter has to know that her body is HERS, and that if she does not want someone to see it, she has the freedom to say no and be respected, did J ask for her consent? this specific situation may not be such a big deal, but you can take it as an opportunity to make your daughter aware in a good way
ask your daughter about the situation, if she was comfortable or if she was afraid at some point, tell her that she has the right to say no and set limits
 
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