Question about herpes and its contagion.

M

msavage

New member
I don’t have a good relationship with my mom, just need to put this out there first. It’s extremely strained and she is stepping over boundaries constantly. Because of this I see her maybe 1 time every 2-3 months. She never notifies me of she is sick or anything before our planned visits, as long as she gets her needs met “seeing my daughter” she couldn’t care less if we end up sick after leaving her.

Today I visited, she had a full on herpes outbreak on her lip. I immediately told her “DO NOT kiss my daughter” she rolled her eyes at me and just said “whatever”. She kept calling my daughter over to her for a hug and a kiss, I had to stop her multiple times and tell her “no! I told u not when u have this on ur lip” she just kept sighing and rolling her eyes. I saw her itch at her lip at one point and then she stood up and went past my daughter and squeezed her cheeks. I immediately felt my breath stop and anxiety took over. I told her I have to leave and I grabbed some antibacterial wipes and scrubbed her face maybe 10 min after the contact happened. I drove home took about 20 min, soap rinsed her face with a cloth. There was no direct contact with her sore put definitely indirect contact. Does anyone know if she would be at risk now? I really am going to drown in anxiety now for days until I feel safe that she won’t have it.
I feel like I’m done with my mother and this will be the last straw.
If a child unintentionally gave my daughter herpes I would be bothered but understanding. A grown woman who keep getting warnings about touching in my opinion is vicious!
How much should I worry about her contracting this?
 
@msavage The transmission factor is a separate issue from your mother's unacceptable behavior. I get cold sores, no need for shame but proper hygiene is essential. The virus can shed asymptomatic. If your daughter has another infection and a weakened immune system risk for transmission is heightened. I doubt your mom is on suppressive valcyclovir. My rule would be no kissing the baby on the face or hands, ever and masking when a sore is present or suspected. If she isn't willing to do that she needs to re evaluate her priorities, and so do you.
 
@rjdb I mean, I get cold sores and I kiss my babies… idk if NEVER kissing them is reasonable? Obviously I absolutely do not kiss or share drinks with them if I have a sore…
That being said, there is a lot of stuff out there now that SIGNIFICANTLY shortens the length/duration/severity.
I am sorry your Mom sucks. In general, it’s a super fucking embarrassing thing to have and mortifying to have to go out in public with it for reasons above. People are not kind about it. Most people have the virus anyway, so the never kissing would mean that like 75% of the planet would never be able to kiss one another. 🤷‍♀️
That being said. Definitely DEFINITELY do not see her anymore if she can’t respect that boundary. I am VERY clear with everyone around me if I have a sore and don’t share ANYTHING. Always lots of hand washing and hand sanitizer and generally no touching my face. I even keep my toothbrush in a separate place and then get a new one when the sore is over.
 
@terphawthorne I don’t know why that post has so many upvotes considering there is a lot of misinformation when it comes to dealing with HSV-1. My doctor has always advised to avoid someone with an active infection but to never not allow someone to kiss someone if they had an outbreak at one point. Also, a large majority of people are carriers of HSV-1 and will never have an outbreak.
 
@terphawthorne For sure! I have HSV-1 and have always practiced safe hygiene when I’ve had an outbreak (no kissing, sharing towels, utensils,etc) but would never not kiss my daughter when it was safe to do so and I’m not on any drugs. I mean, my daughter could get it not from me but from a random doorknob she touched out in the world. It’s so prevalent in the world’s population.
 
@rjdb I think never kissing my children would fuck them up so much more tbh. I take acyclovir when I have a cold sore, but they’re incredibly rare for me. What is valcyclovir?
 
@obaid Kind of blown away by this and other comments here. OP, I’m sure your daughter will be fine, I’m a little more concerned about your mental health though. It sounds like your anxiety is really bad, I have really insane anxiety too so I get it. I recommend cognitive behavioral therapy. And weed, tbf.
 
@msavage My daughter ended up with a full blown HSV1 outbreak covering both eyes, through her nasal passage and under her nose from a situation just like this. My father came with a cold sore, then during dinner my daughter had something in her eye and he put down his burger, licked his fingers clean and tried to help her. That indirect contact was enough for a massive outbreak covering both eyes and multiple trips to SickKids Toronto, where we have to go every time she has an outbreak to make sure it isn’t on/affecting her eyeballs and sight.

ALL THIS TO SAY, you aren’t overreacting. Their flippant attitudes that we’re overreacting is exactly the problem, and you are well within your right to limit contact until she understands 100% your point. feel free to use me as an example!!
 
@fundyden Wow! I had a co worried that had it in her eye and she almost went blind during an outbreak, she had to get donor retinas or something like that to have it fixed. 🫨 yea I don’t feel like I’m over reacting even tho many here is insinuating it. I do not have it so the thought as well that I won’t be able to kiss my daughter anymore because I might be infected as well is heartbreaking.
 
@fundyden Wow. Those are astronomical levels of carelessness. Are you still in contact with your father now?

I also got HSV through indirect contact with a relative. Nothing like what your father did though, my cousin came to a family dinner with a massive weeping sore when I was a teenager. I tried to avoid him as much as possible during dinner and did not share any food or utensils, but we now all know about microdroplets in the post-COVID era. If I had known that then I would have immediately just left the dinner, however weird that would make me seem to my relatives. Similarly, if someone showed up to dinner with one I wouldn't let them in. Why people show up to elective events while ill is beyond me. At least wear a mask and exercise a minimum amount of caution, for crying out loud!!!

None of my subsequent infections have been as bad as the first, but I typically get a fever with each outbreak. Haven't passed the infection to anyone yet, knock on wood, and hopefully it stays that way.
 
@fender57 Yes, but took a months long break where our relationship almost completely crumbled because he’s the typical know-it-all cop with a huge ego and 0 accountability (don’t think I ever heard ‘sorry’ in my childhood even when deserved) so because the sores took a few days to present he didn’t want to believe he was the one that caused it. But he was the only option and so essentially it came down to me saying that unless he actually apologized, took 100% accountability and acknowledged that his carelessness caused this then he wouldn’t have a relationship with any of us. It was a huge blowout fight where I was ready to cut him off completely and he could tell. Took refusing a few half-assed apologies and a longggg time out before I was ready to hear him again, and he’s on thin ice ever since. Thankfully he’s been sucking up ever since and can tell I just won’t put up with an ounce of his bullshit anymore, and he’s not willing to lose his only grandchildren so he’s actually trying for once.
 
@fundyden Ugh. Someone would need to take 100% accountability and own up to it all on their own for me to think they were remotely safe or trustworthy for me to have my child around ever again. Sorry this happened to you.
 
@bigadolph420 I visited her, I left after 15 min after seeing how careless she was. I really hope that it was no damage from her, giving it to my LO I mean. Hoping to hear from other people and their experiences.
 
@msavage I get cold sores, so does my mom. My mom and I are both so careful, we NEVER kiss my toddler if we have one and I’ve implemented a strict no kissing rule for everyone that isn’t dad or I. I also take the medication a few times a month just to try NOT to ever transmit it. I don’t share utensils or cups. I got my first one at 25 (I’m 33 now) and I’ve only ever had 2-3 outbreaks. I know they are super common but I’d prefer my kid not have to deal with it, if I can help it I will. Does it mean she’s never going to be exposed? No. But I’ll try my best. They absolutely suck and I feel so embarrassed when I get one.
 
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