@disciple2011 I found my best friend and everything is so perfect but they still are scared to commit to a future together. Why is it so damn hard?! I don’t have the energy for this.
Plain given up on dating, but I don't feel too bad about it
- Thread starter disciple2011
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starfish63
New member
@disciple2011 In theory I would love to meet someone to spend my life with but then I’m like “when on earth would I have time to nurture a relationship?” They would hear from me like every few days and see me every few weeks haha.
My parents split when I was a baby and my mom stayed single to this day and while I think she gets a little lonely I do think solo life really suited her. I’m not ready to write off another relationship any time soon but I also have no energy to pursue one either.
My parents split when I was a baby and my mom stayed single to this day and while I think she gets a little lonely I do think solo life really suited her. I’m not ready to write off another relationship any time soon but I also have no energy to pursue one either.
greatdivide46
New member
@starfish63 Hey if this is too personal feel free to ignore me. I was wondering your experience of growing up with a mom who stayed single. Did you feel lonely or like you missed out not having someone in that role? If that makes sense.
Single mom of a baby here. I sometimes wonder if lo lacks an example of an intimate relationship if she never see me with a partner, if that will affect her relationships later in life. Just curious, if you have anything to share on that
Single mom of a baby here. I sometimes wonder if lo lacks an example of an intimate relationship if she never see me with a partner, if that will affect her relationships later in life. Just curious, if you have anything to share on that
starfish63
New member
@greatdivide46 There were some ways I felt like I missed out but that was more in regards to siblings than seeing my mom have a relationship. I have a lot of half siblings that I never lived with but I’m my mom’s only kid so I did kind of always wish I had a sibling at home.
Overall I loved that it was just my mom and me. We had (and still do) a really fantastic relationship growing up. She has always been my soft place to land and I love her for it. She made a point to talk to me a lot about respectful and healthy relationships and make sure that I knew I was deserving of kindness and respect. I feel like she did such a good job teaching me about what a healthy relationship looks like, as well as showing me that you can have peace on your own.
All the relationships I’ve had have been pretty healthy ones for the most part and the ones that weren’t didn’t last long. My son’s father and I were together for almost 12 years and 10 of them were very, very happy ones. And even still, we have a very respectful and friendly coparenting relationship now so I would say that even without witnessing it first hand, I was still able to grow up to understand what healthy relationships entail. Any time I wanted my mom to find someone it was out of my concern for her happiness and not because I ever felt that our life together was lacking.
I think one key thing that my mom made sure to do was not to rely on me for her emotional well-being and companionship. She obviously loves me and loves to be around me but she never made me feel like I was responsible for her happiness and never made me feel like I had to stick around for her to be ok. She let me leave the nest even though it meant she would be alone when I did. And I think that’s super important to keep in mind when it’s just you and your kid.
I hope that helps
Overall I loved that it was just my mom and me. We had (and still do) a really fantastic relationship growing up. She has always been my soft place to land and I love her for it. She made a point to talk to me a lot about respectful and healthy relationships and make sure that I knew I was deserving of kindness and respect. I feel like she did such a good job teaching me about what a healthy relationship looks like, as well as showing me that you can have peace on your own.
All the relationships I’ve had have been pretty healthy ones for the most part and the ones that weren’t didn’t last long. My son’s father and I were together for almost 12 years and 10 of them were very, very happy ones. And even still, we have a very respectful and friendly coparenting relationship now so I would say that even without witnessing it first hand, I was still able to grow up to understand what healthy relationships entail. Any time I wanted my mom to find someone it was out of my concern for her happiness and not because I ever felt that our life together was lacking.
I think one key thing that my mom made sure to do was not to rely on me for her emotional well-being and companionship. She obviously loves me and loves to be around me but she never made me feel like I was responsible for her happiness and never made me feel like I had to stick around for her to be ok. She let me leave the nest even though it meant she would be alone when I did. And I think that’s super important to keep in mind when it’s just you and your kid.
I hope that helps
greatdivide46
New member
@starfish63 Thank you so much for that thoughtful reply. I’m so glad to hear of your experience, and your mom sounds like a gem!
That last bit about not feeling responsible for her happiness really hits home, I have witnessed that dynamic with single parents of single children and it’s definitely something I need to keep in check going fwd.
I grew up with many different models of toxic relationships, heh. I’m constantly working on myself and I am determined to break that cycle but there are deep little subtleties that I carry and need to stay aware of. Always unfolding
I’m going to save your reply, it is really inspirational
thanks for sharing!
That last bit about not feeling responsible for her happiness really hits home, I have witnessed that dynamic with single parents of single children and it’s definitely something I need to keep in check going fwd.
I grew up with many different models of toxic relationships, heh. I’m constantly working on myself and I am determined to break that cycle but there are deep little subtleties that I carry and need to stay aware of. Always unfolding
I’m going to save your reply, it is really inspirational
thanks for sharing!starfish63
New member
@greatdivide46 So glad I could be of some help haha. My mom was also raised by a single mom from toddlerhood and her dad was a garbage person so she didn’t have great examples but still managed to do well by me. We are capable of doing better by our kids despite what we were given 
kervinjacque
New member
@disciple2011 My conclusion is they are not afraid of commitment if they feel the person is a right one.
katrina2017
New member
@disciple2011 I'm 29 and I'm glad to see others in similar mindsets out there. If someone wants to date me, they need to prove me they are worth my time, otherwise I'm not interested
katrina2017
New member
@disciple2011 Well I'm a man and I've come across woman that are one 'childfree', or at least say so, and two not wanting to commit to one person. Just go out party in the weekend and 'live their best life' (hate that line).
I am having some luck on Bumble. I've mainly found honestly is the best policy as someone is out there that will be attracted to me and okay with my current circumstances.
As in I have that I am a co-parent and that I live at home while I see the kid in the weekend.
Like right now talking to a woman that doesn't want kids for another few years but loves kids and is open to dating someone with kids. I think she is into that I haven't ran away from my problems unlike many men I have come across.
Don't give up.
I am having some luck on Bumble. I've mainly found honestly is the best policy as someone is out there that will be attracted to me and okay with my current circumstances.
As in I have that I am a co-parent and that I live at home while I see the kid in the weekend.
Like right now talking to a woman that doesn't want kids for another few years but loves kids and is open to dating someone with kids. I think she is into that I haven't ran away from my problems unlike many men I have come across.
Don't give up.
@disciple2011 45, single mum to 1 child. I've been single for 4 years & I'm much happier this way. Dating took up too much headspace & emotional energy that I needed for my then toddler. I have given up on dating, relationships for many reasons & I'm totally ok with that. I have a fairly good relationship with her dad, I'm very close to my friends & family. I have my own house, lovely community & a wonderful child. Dating would just complicate things.
flowerinthefield
New member
@disciple2011 Yes, dating today is a trash pit of despair and absolutely bonkers expectations. Thank social media and “dating” apps for that.
Why feel bad about it? I mean I get it. I feel lonely as a single dad of a 7-year old who has been single for about 4 years. This is after 20 years of ALWAYS having a partner or gf, and never having to really try to find anyone. I definitely get it.
Think of it this way: you now have no one to blame but yourself - you can become a wealthy superstar, or you can chase the tooth fairy. It’s all about your focus. Why allow another human whom you can’t trust to change the direction or focus of your life telescope?
Why feel bad about it? I mean I get it. I feel lonely as a single dad of a 7-year old who has been single for about 4 years. This is after 20 years of ALWAYS having a partner or gf, and never having to really try to find anyone. I definitely get it.
Think of it this way: you now have no one to blame but yourself - you can become a wealthy superstar, or you can chase the tooth fairy. It’s all about your focus. Why allow another human whom you can’t trust to change the direction or focus of your life telescope?
midnightoil
New member
@disciple2011 Where you from 
disciple2011
New member
@midnightoil Haha I am from around.
joshuabrandon9
New member
@midnightoil So weird lol
@disciple2011 Something that Dan Savage used to say, 'every relationship fails until one doesn't'. It was something like that. It's very difficult finding the right person to fit a relationship with. I dated a few people, and I was friends with this one lady. Every fiber of my being was telling me that she was different. Trouble was, she lives a few states away, so we weren't together and were just friends.
It got to a point where I only wanted to be with her, and we decided to give it a go. Yes, we have obstacles (distance), but we're making it work. She's unlike any woman I've ever dated and, after over two years, she's, my person. We connect and are authentic with each other.
Sometimes you'll find the person you're looking for where you least expect it. For me, it was on a discord server.
It got to a point where I only wanted to be with her, and we decided to give it a go. Yes, we have obstacles (distance), but we're making it work. She's unlike any woman I've ever dated and, after over two years, she's, my person. We connect and are authentic with each other.
Sometimes you'll find the person you're looking for where you least expect it. For me, it was on a discord server.
black00wind
New member
@disciple2011 32M - 2 kids - 100% custody
I can't even imagine trying to put in the effort for dating with how much energy being a single parent takes.
I think I'm also going to be single for a while. People keep telling me I should try and find someone sooner rather than later so that my kids can have a mother-figure in their life, but I don't see me even attempting to put myself out there for at least a few years.
I can't even imagine trying to put in the effort for dating with how much energy being a single parent takes.
I think I'm also going to be single for a while. People keep telling me I should try and find someone sooner rather than later so that my kids can have a mother-figure in their life, but I don't see me even attempting to put myself out there for at least a few years.
@disciple2011 
!! 41m w/ One boy. Still pretty close w/ His mom. Just that there’s this Other girl that I’d actually known my ~Entire life: Elementary school. (NOT Neighborhood) Who I Really like. But, she ~Turned Gay once she moved to Flo-Ridah. I Do KINDA talk to her still; Both Her and her Wife. She’s My age. My Son’s mother is ~(a Little) Older than me: She’s ’79, I’m ‘82.
Still, my Son’s Mother; it’s just that I have a ~VERY SEVERE TBI. Not mobility issues; just Yo. Ha: OG Neuropsych said that I’d get FIRED from ‘My Job’ as a JANITOR, bc I’d Forget what I was doing!!
~Don’t ‘give up’; just Put ‘it’ on Pause while you do ~other things!!
!! 41m w/ One boy. Still pretty close w/ His mom. Just that there’s this Other girl that I’d actually known my ~Entire life: Elementary school. (NOT Neighborhood) Who I Really like. But, she ~Turned Gay once she moved to Flo-Ridah. I Do KINDA talk to her still; Both Her and her Wife. She’s My age. My Son’s mother is ~(a Little) Older than me: She’s ’79, I’m ‘82. Still, my Son’s Mother; it’s just that I have a ~VERY SEVERE TBI. Not mobility issues; just Yo. Ha: OG Neuropsych said that I’d get FIRED from ‘My Job’ as a JANITOR, bc I’d Forget what I was doing!!
~Don’t ‘give up’; just Put ‘it’ on Pause while you do ~other things!!
@disciple2011 We’re not “afraid” of commitment, we just don’t need it. Too many women try to take more than they give. It’s not worth it for many of us.
Women think in terms of love, like nothing else matters. Men think in terms of logistics first, love second. Committing to a single mom is a terrible idea for several reasons. The world doesn’t run on love.
You’re supposed to get married and permanently exit the market when you have kids. The market doesn’t give a fuck about your problems. You’re special to your family, kids, and spouse, but when you come back to the dating market, you’re just another woman. We’re all individuals, but on average, your options plummet when you bring kids to the table. Men’s lives are hard enough as it is. We don’t need any unnecessary bullshit, and there’s plenty of women out there without kids.
You want a man as a single mother? Find a single father. Don’t try to turn a childless man into a sucker.
Women think in terms of love, like nothing else matters. Men think in terms of logistics first, love second. Committing to a single mom is a terrible idea for several reasons. The world doesn’t run on love.
You’re supposed to get married and permanently exit the market when you have kids. The market doesn’t give a fuck about your problems. You’re special to your family, kids, and spouse, but when you come back to the dating market, you’re just another woman. We’re all individuals, but on average, your options plummet when you bring kids to the table. Men’s lives are hard enough as it is. We don’t need any unnecessary bullshit, and there’s plenty of women out there without kids.
You want a man as a single mother? Find a single father. Don’t try to turn a childless man into a sucker.
drshields88
New member
@kate556 How? What he is saying is very true and is reflected in the reality of so many of the posts on this subreddit. Just look at the titles. So many of them - "lonely, dating, tired & alone". This subreddit looks like a sad dating forum rather than a parenting one, because it's the reality of single parenting that you're essentially bringing the ultimate baggage to every potential relationship from now until the end of your life, especially for women. None of this is "projection". It's base observation and having thr most basic ability to analyze the reality of a situation.