Am I wrong for not wanting my children to engage with their father and his on and off gf of only a year? I have hard time even allowing my kids to see their father. He helps zero with them financially and I found out a month ago (last time she saw her dad) that he and his dysfunctional gf gave my 17 year old pot. I knew my daughter used marijuana, but it seems so weird that 40 year olds, one of which is her father, whom I was with from age 15-35, encourages this behavior. My daughter has had many rough patches. Her father will never know of what she has dealt with because she doesn’t look at him like a “dad”, and she doesn’t trust him with her real life info. He is a man child. Plain and simple. And I found out that he and his on again off again, codependent, gf, whom he takes full advantage of because her father has money, Went to dinner with my kids. I wa aware of it the night it occurred, and addressed it immediately but have been made aware of yet another break up and I’m over all of this drama being put upon my son. My son is almost 19 and he has always attempted to maintain some sort of a relationship with his father. I pick my battles and I have grown very strong and stay out of my exes drama. However, my kids and I are very close and they tell me a lot. My daughter told me that both her dad and his gf gave her a marijuana cartridge. This wasn’t the first time my ex did this. The gf has a medical card and is very mentally ill. My kids know that their father will never be a true parent again. And they tell me that the gf is nice but very odd and comes across as quite ill and weak, low self esteem and codependent. I do not press for info anymore. They come to me. But I know that I am not comfortable with this situation. And I was told that the gf and my ex once again had a dysfunctional event occur. I can’t even keep track of how many there have been in just a years time. I do not want my kids around this. They know how messed up their “dad” and this “woman” is. She doesn’t matter to them, but he is their father, so I’m not sure as how to properly guide them through this mess. If I could wave a wand I would want their dad to disappear but that’s not what my son wants and that just isn’t reality. My daughter dealt with some huge personal issues over the summer, due to what her father did 5 years ago. She faced them head on and I cannot express how proud I am of her inner strength. My daughter and her security and trust in me is all that I care about. I have managed to raise one strong young woman and I strive to continue to be the best I can be for her. I have a wonderful man in my life, but I make it clear that my kids are the only ones I “need” in this life. They r my everything, always have been and always will be. I won’t see my daughter hurt like her dad made her ever again. But I walk a fine line. He will hurt them and let them down yet again. I guarantee it. It’s not a matter of IF, it’s a matter of WHEN. And I just want to keep them safe and happy. What do I do??!!
Overprotective mom?
- Thread starter wiz777
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laurapalooza
New member
@wiz777
I'll break that into two questions.
If the father has visitation or custody, then that's that. If you feel you have a legal case to make, talk to him about it and/or challenge him in court. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what your feelings are about the situation, except that upset feelings can contribute to a toxic relationship with your children and/or your ex.
What time period would make you comfortable with your children being around their father's girlfriend?
I think you probably do nothing. One of your kids is an adult, and your other child is almost an adult. As you described, they both seem capable of making their own decisions.
I'll break that into two questions.
If the father has visitation or custody, then that's that. If you feel you have a legal case to make, talk to him about it and/or challenge him in court. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what your feelings are about the situation, except that upset feelings can contribute to a toxic relationship with your children and/or your ex.
What time period would make you comfortable with your children being around their father's girlfriend?
I think you probably do nothing. One of your kids is an adult, and your other child is almost an adult. As you described, they both seem capable of making their own decisions.
@laurapalooza So we have had quite a rocky past. I am have full custody and an active restraining order against my ex. But he was a wonderful father prior to drugs taking over his life. I cannot allow my feelings interfere with my children wanting some sort of normalcy with him. Every part of me wants to keep them away from him but they r almost 19 and 17. And as for the gf...she is not a strong woman. She has an 11 or 12 year old and puts her child below a man. And my ex cheats on her and lies to her constantly. I feel as if my kids need to repair the relationship with their father before dealing with an outside source. I am very careful who I bring into my children’s lives. And I expect any respectable parent to do the same. I think I am just having a hard time watching this because I know it’s not for the best.
laurapalooza
New member
@laurapalooza I consider him a threat against ME. He served three years for domestic violence. My daughter was on the OOP but asked to be removed once she started seeing him. He and I cannot be cordial. That ship has sailed. I am trying to please everyone and do the right thing. and me fighting my kids for years wasn’t working. They need to come to the conclusion about their father on their own but I am having a Difficult time with that.
@laurapalooza And frankly, this has nothing to do with my restraining order. I don’t see him. Never ever would. My children are young adults and r at that age where I teeter on wanting to protect them and knowing I have to let them make mistakes. I hope that makes sense. I wrestled with how to post this becAuse I knew judgement is kinda the way of reddit. But it is what it is. I was hoping for understanding and judgement free advice. Every story is unique and u don’t know me from God, but I can tell ur mind isn’t open to my situation. I thank u for ur time, however.
I have given this woman ample opportunities. The last time we spoke she told me she was getting a restraining order and I later realized she only used me to show him I said that and to make her seem “loyal”. The main issue is the pit and the lack of adulthood that I see. I will do whatever it takes for my kids.
laurapalooza
New member
@wiz777
Oh, well, then the situation is simple. You don't have any say over his life. It's no longer any of your business. He's not endangering his kids.
What you've described is that you have a different outlook on life, different opinions, different values, do things different, etc. from your ex. Well, obviously, otherwise you might still be married.
So, the issue, as I see it, is that you either didn't see a therapist regarding your divorce, or the therapy you received didn't stick.
I say that as someone freshly dumped after 25 years who has just come to terms with reality. In my case, my wife has shown little to no interest in being a parent and is currently seeking a job someplace far away. I had a lot of pent up issues regarding her behavior, a mountain of resentment, and all it did was provide me an ample supply of anguish. And, upon reflection, it's actually been this way for a number of years and I've been compensating for her slipping away from our family.
She has her life. I have my life, with my kids. We are moving on.
Oh, well, then the situation is simple. You don't have any say over his life. It's no longer any of your business. He's not endangering his kids.
What you've described is that you have a different outlook on life, different opinions, different values, do things different, etc. from your ex. Well, obviously, otherwise you might still be married.
So, the issue, as I see it, is that you either didn't see a therapist regarding your divorce, or the therapy you received didn't stick.
I say that as someone freshly dumped after 25 years who has just come to terms with reality. In my case, my wife has shown little to no interest in being a parent and is currently seeking a job someplace far away. I had a lot of pent up issues regarding her behavior, a mountain of resentment, and all it did was provide me an ample supply of anguish. And, upon reflection, it's actually been this way for a number of years and I've been compensating for her slipping away from our family.
She has her life. I have my life, with my kids. We are moving on.
@laurapalooza Very well stated. I don’t have any say nor do I want it. I just fear he will hurt the kids again. But they are very aware. And I didn’t seek any counseling. I haven’t had time to dwell. The past is the past. I definitely have anger and resentment but that’s my issue. I appreciate ur input.
@laurapalooza I also am very impressed by how well u seem to be dealing with what life has thrown at you. For what it’s worth, I find it very commendable that you choose to remain a constant in your children’s lives and seem to be adamant about maintaining some sense of normalcy through what is a very challenging situation. Thank u for your words 
makaveli1990
New member
@wiz777 Your kids are young adults.You can't really stop them. I would support there decision. Only because I would want to know as much as possible about what goes on. I would keep communication open and try not to bad mouth his lesser offence. Only so I'd be sure to hear If something really bad happens. You want your kids to be comfortable with calling you if something serious happens. You don't want them to feel like they have to defend him to you.
Hopefully with time they will see who there dad truly is and Choose a better path.
Hopefully with time they will see who there dad truly is and Choose a better path.
@makaveli1990 Thank u. U guys are all totally correct and I appreciate your advice tremendously.
findinggrace%E2%99%A1
New member
@wiz777 they are both old enough to make their own decisions. just stay their confidante and support for when things get hard for them. acceptance is something it sounds like you need to focus on. and faith in your children. you’re lucky there are no harder drugs being shared. let them be and enjoy how far you’ve come in life. kids that aren’t suicidal and care for each other and both of their parents? that’s a big thing these days! there’s no keeping a child from wanting to bond with either parent ... until they decide for themselves to not have a bond with him. you are a very loving mother to put their desires ahead of your own in this situation. i commend you for your loving strength. your children love you for this, i guarantee it. give yourself a little vacation however you can because you’ve earned it mama!
@findinggrace%E2%99%A1 Thank you very much. I truly appreciate that.
@wiz777 I guess the way you came off was controlling which is why the comments are “they are adults, mind your business”.
At first i thought the same then you mentioned domestic abuse that he did to you in the past and drug use. That is very concerning and understandable why you are worried about your childrens mental well-being as they spend more time with their father. All you can do is support them and be there for them when they need you. Hopefully they have had enough talks with you about whats right and whats wrong to make these decisions for themselves.
I always worry about parents being bad influences and their children possibly falling into the same traps. All you can do is guide now and be an ear. It sucks to hope for the best but thats life. We cant control everything.
At first i thought the same then you mentioned domestic abuse that he did to you in the past and drug use. That is very concerning and understandable why you are worried about your childrens mental well-being as they spend more time with their father. All you can do is support them and be there for them when they need you. Hopefully they have had enough talks with you about whats right and whats wrong to make these decisions for themselves.
I always worry about parents being bad influences and their children possibly falling into the same traps. All you can do is guide now and be an ear. It sucks to hope for the best but thats life. We cant control everything.
@creigh Thank you. This is very true. They fortunately never hear from their dad recently. If my son does, he rarely responds because it’s just nonsense and his dad never enquirers about my son’s life. And my daughter just told me the other day that she doesn’t even know her dads phone number. The drug use and immature life choices are noticed by my kids so I just stand by them. My son is 19 today and his father has not reached out. Last year he even got the day wrong. It makes me very sad that I gave my children such a terrible father, but they love my current man and he has already told my son happy birthday today and given him a gift, so I am looking at the positives. I don’t want to control my kids. I want to protect them but I for sure need to let them learn somethings on their own.