Originally OAD but now unexpectedly pregnant with second parter. Looking for thoughts/advice

C

cescalouise

New member
I am a 38 y/o female with a 7 year old son from my first marriage. Just found out a few days ago that I am unexpectedly pregnant with my new partner of 2 years. We are torn about what to do and what makes sense for us.

My current partner is supportive and open to what we choose but I am unsure of how to make a decision. I have no doubts that we will have a loving and positive dynamic with an additional child, but am wondering if it’s truly what we want and “need”. In other words, we are open to taking this step in our relationship, but because this was unplanned, we don’t know if it should be the automatic thing to choose.

I always said I was one and done mostly for selfish reasons such as not wanting to go through another pregnancy and also because I’ve enjoyed being able to slowly reclaim the lifestyle I had pre-kids (eg. Being able to travel, have “me” time when my son is in school etc). I’ve also never been a woman that’s “needed” to have kids (ie. no “biological clock” or craving to be a mother). First child was planned, but it was a huge struggle transitioning to being a parent. I’m in a good place now with my son being more independent and I love him and enjoy my time with him. However, I also really value my time for me.

I mainly worry about how this will affect our relationship as well as my first child.

Any thoughts about the matter, or similar experiences people would be willing to share would be appreciated.
There are many more details I could add about my thoughts/feelings and the background situation in general, but the post is long enough! Thanks in advance.
 
@cescalouise No experience as a parent exactly but wanted to share my experience as someone with two younger siblings 9 and 11 years younger. I was so thrilled to have younger siblings. Once they got back to be toddlers, I had excuses to play with all my old toys with them again. Halloween was fun again. There was less pressure on me as my parents had my siblings to occupy them as well. When I got my drivers license, my parents would give us money to go do bonding things, like get ice cream treats (a big deal at the time). Now that we’re all adults, we’re very close. My younger brother has lived with me on and off throughout his college years and now that he has a job in my area. My little sister was my maid of honor and the godmother to my son. I’m so very glad my siblings were born.

I know not everyone has great relationships with their siblings. I think the large age gap worked well for us- no sibling rivalry, parents did very well making us all feel loved and heard.

Whatever you decide, I wish all the best for you and your family!
 
@paulgilldrums Thanks so much for chiming in and sharing your personal experience with younger siblings. It sounds like the dream outcome, really! Of course, there are no guarantees that our family dynamic would go that way, but it gives me some optimism vibes anyhow! 🥰
 
@cescalouise Well whatever you decide, I’ll be sending good thoughts for you! Hopefully the other comments have better advice on the actual “should I have another” part. Good luck going forward!

Also, I’m 38 too and we’re still trying for our second (first is 15 months and it took years to get him) so your post gives me hope that maybe it’ll happen for us! 🤞
 
@paulgilldrums Thank you so much for sharing this. I keep sadly swinging on the fence, incapable of moving on one side or the other. I lurked once more on this sub thinking "but the age gap would be so big blablabla", your message is very timely (althought I am 10 days late haha) and my eyes are teary in a good way.
 
@bobbygh Thanks for the response. Very valid question. I would say the main reasons why we would keep it are:
- to share the experience together as a couple, which we both agree to be a special thing (ie. it is not that the idea of having a child together for either of us was abhorrent, etc., but we previously had discussed that it didn’t feel necessary for us to feel complete and happy as a couple/family unit)
Related to this, because my partner does not have a child of his own, this opportunity would provide him with that
- this feels like a “now or never” sort of scenario given my age and my son’s age (ie. hoping that even with an 8 year age gap, this is an opportunity to have a bond with a sibling), so we are making sure we really think it over

Hope that makes sense!
 
@cescalouise I think you explain why a baby is good for your relationship (a special bond) or your son (siblings) but not why YOU personally want it. A relationship can end and your son might never bond with the baby (for various reasons, it can be the age gap or they might just have incompatible personalities). Would you personally though be happy to become a mother again? Is the joy of having a baby / child worth all the work/trouble that comes alongside it?

I might sound like I'm talking you out of it, but I'm not. While giving my daughter a sibling was also an important bonus for me, my main reason was that I wanted to have another child and wouldn't regret it regardless of how my own relationship and the sibling relationship developed. What about you?
 
@bobbygh Again, super valid questions and food for thought I truly appreciate.
You’re right in highlighting that it seems like going ahead with the pregnancy is less about me being super stoked on it for myself and more because there are external things that might be positive, although not guaranteed.
I definitely don’t think you are trying to talk me out of it, but more illuminating questions that I may not have thought to ask for myself. So, thank you!
 
@cescalouise I am not a ton of help probably, but I have an only child. I remember all too well how difficult the early years were. If I were in your shoes, I would abort. But I don’t know where you’re located and how difficult that may be, especially after yesterday.

I would honestly consider the options available to me if the pregnancy was not healthy or viable after the SCOTUS ruling too, if you’re in the states. Many states have enacted laws that make appropriate medical care inaccessible to pregnant women, even if their pregnancy is much wanted. This knowledge in itself would give me pause as well. I happen to be in a state with the ability to access care for now. But the idea that I may not be able have lifesaving medical care, and could potentially leave my son without a mother would weigh on me too.
 
@reporter94 Thanks for thinking of this. Thankfully, for this situation, I am in Canada. And, although we are not necessarily as progressive as we may think we are, for now at least I have access to medical care that is based on my own desires/personal decisions. So, regardless of what we end up deciding, the state of the law won’t be a influencing decider.
 
@reporter94 I know 😔 I feel for all those affected by the recent decision to overturn personal choices and rights. It is infuriating and heartbreaking and I will be doing what I can to support you down in the States ♥️💔
 
@cescalouise I just had my second baby 9 months ago, and it is so hard to have two kids, harder than I imagined! Mine are only 3 years apart, but even that age difference, it felt like I was starting all over again and my body feels so much more tired the second time around (I’m in my mid 30s). I understand why women are biologically “meant” to have babies younger, it just feels like it’s taken more of a toll on my body the second time around.

I’m 7 years older than my sister, and of course I love her and we are somewhat close, now as adults, but in reality I’m closer to friends and I still felt (/feel) like an only child, especially growing up, because of our age gap.

This is stupid advice, but flip a coin to decide. Whenever I’m faced with a major life decision, I weigh out the pros and cons, and then I flip a coin. Depending on what my initial reaction is to what I tossed, then it gives me more clarity. If you feel relief, you’ll know your answer. If you feel sadness, you’ll know your answer.

Best of luck on whatever you decide is right for you ❤️
 
@cescalouise I'm technically a middle child, but my older sister is almost nine years older, my youngers siblings are eleven and thirteen years younger.

My older sister doted on me, we aren't incredibly close as adults but we certainly "get" each other.

I honestly had a hard time with my younger siblings, but I think that was more because I was a grumpy teenager who was moved away from all her friends than because of them. Once I graduated high school I chilled out and now they are two of my favorite people.

My mother has said multiple times that it was infinitely easier having kids far apart than closer together (since the youngest two are barely two years apart). I only have one so far but it'll be at least a five year gap if we have another.

Not to sway you either way but I don't think you should necessarily look at the gap as a bad thing. There are negatives either way!
 
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