No free time, no social life. No more. Wife disagrees

[jimbobby2021]

@wisdomandlove Whatever you do, make sure there are no ‘accidents’.

Having a kid is hard enough, they don’t deserve to be born to a strained marriage and one of their parents being uncertain, exhausted, tired , with no mental capacity to do their best by that child. Not to mention how unfair it is to the first child.

I find that having a clear boundary conversation is helpful. It might be a hard one to have but staying clear boundaries in no uncertain terms is is pretty much the only way to deal with toxic behaviour and passive aggressiveness eg

I appreciate this is hard for you but I do not have capacity to have another child. Full stop. Id like to say this can be negotiable, but it’s not. Please hear me when I say this. It will break me and however much it would hurt me and also our relationship. I am very serious about this, to the point I have scheduled a time to talk to a dr about a vasectomy. I would like this to be a joint conversation and decision for us and am here to support you as you work through your feelings about not having more children, I know it’s hard, but..however hard it is to hear, having more is just not an option for me

Clear, direct, to the point. Leaving no uncertainty where you are. Might be harsh but will help the penny drop for your spouse, and help them get on road to coming to terms with the decision ( be ready that this might be tough for them and they will need your understanding and support)

If you are struggling to have this conversation on your own, consider engaging a couples therapist to help guide you through it.

 

[padraig_leigheanach]

@wisdomandlove Thinking I might end up feeling the same. No real advice but def. want to see what folks say here. Cheers mate

 

[wisdomandlove]

@padraig_leigheanach Appreciate you my friend!

 

[rkm]

@wisdomandlove Some people need to mourn what they thought their future would look like. I knew I was OAD while pregnant. So I tried to really take in each experience, because I knew it was the first and last time.

Stupid comparison, but it's kind of like when you accidentally watch a season finale of a show without realizing it until the end. Or your favorite show is canceled before wrapping things up. Some women regret not really getting to experience pregnancy and having a newborn as the "last time" if they didn't go into it one and done.

That all being said, even with a 3 month old, both me and my husband have free time and a social life. Are one of you not able to watch him by yourselves for a couple of hours?

 

[94tamara]

@wisdomandlove If you're really sure about your decision, you have to tell your SO one more time and then tell her you are going to plan a vascetomy.

It's your life, your body, your decision, no one has the right to overrule you on this topic, it's too important and there are no concessions possible.

 

[agent47]

@wisdomandlove You two need couples therapy asap. In the meantime tell your wife to give it until your son is in preschool.

 

[peterh99]

@wisdomandlove Stop trying to use reason. It's not a decision based on reason. You either want a kid or you don't and you don't.

 

[sjblum]

@wisdomandlove my brother in law got divorced after his second kid. Arguments and stress levels seemed to increase after his second was born 2 years after his first. I remember him very happy with his first daughter then he just seemed defeated after the 2nd. Also speaking with other coworkers who had multiple kids, they give the same disclaimer that “they love their children no matter what, they’re blessings, blah blah” but that 1 child was insanely easy to handle compared to 2-3.

 

[ababwaalijaz]

@sjblum I've noticed major relationship declines in many of my friends' marriages after the second child, some of which did not durvive in the end, and having a second was the beginning of the end for my brother's marriage (although in his case, his wife had "accidentally" missed some bc pills, despite my brother being adamant that he did not want more).

In many cases, whatever free time you MAY have had with just one, usually goes out the window after the second. All hands are on deck and any deficits are highlighted. Additionally, finances get tighter and schedules become more rigid. There is more to fight about with your partner in this sense and more opportunities for things to go wrong.

I understand that having a child is often more of an emotional choice than logical, but at the same time, you shouldn't blindly jump into having children. Lastly, I've NEVER seen a good thing come from reluctantly caving into the pressure from a partner when it comes to having a baby - parenting is too hard to go forward with it if your heart is not in it.

 

[katrina2017]

@wisdomandlove Well you have agency over your own life. It’s no good being a martyr and having another kid anyway.

However 1 is still a hard age and you should still be able to tag team so you both have leisure time.

 

[imranies]

@wisdomandlove All you can do is make it clear that you personally are 100% done and then make the vasectomy appointment.

 

[paulcanpat]

@wisdomandlove I am extremely suspicious of a child needing siblings. my best friend growing up has a younger sibling, and that pretty much destroyed his life, because the sibling got all the attention, and the resources, and all the praise (not his siblings fault). Complete Robert from Everybody Loves Raymond.

 

[mac4701]

@wisdomandlove I’m so sorry. I’m you in our relationship. I suggest pausing this conversation and comments until the two of you can speak with a couples therapist. You are stuck in a negative cycle right now.

 

[myheart]

@wisdomandlove I'm sorry you're dealing with this. As first time parents, you haven't yet experienced having a 2 year old, a 3 year old, or a 4 year old.

The next stages bring their own challenges and if you're already at capacity (I sure was!) you might find the next few years even harder (I sure did!) even without a newborn.

 

[ianpeterson]

@wisdomandlove I am in the same boat. My boyfriend wants at least 2 more and every time I try to mention not wanting any more kids it leads to a huge fight.

Currently I don't have the energy to stand up for myself but I know we will have to have the talk eventually and I feel the same as you, I know it will hurt one of us...

I can't help you, sorry, just letting you know that you are not alone with your issue. Please don't give in due to pressure however, you would be doing yourself and said child a huge disservice

 

[singerpoet]

@wisdomandlove Children are a “two-yes” situation.

 

[alcwj]

@wisdomandlove I'm an only of onlies with an only myself.

None of us are ever lonely.

I see the relationships that my husband has with his 7 brothers and sisters. It's nothing I'd want for my kid.

Your wife has some shit made up in her head that really isn't the whole truth. She needs therapy.

Did you guys not discuss this before marriage?

 

[biblebump2010]

@wisdomandlove In on the same spot and it's fucking hard. I don't want a second one. But I also want to make my wife happy and not feel any resentment towards me. She desperately wants to be pregnant one time for real because our first came really early. Makes it all the more complicated.

 

[shannw7]

@wisdomandlove This was me about a year ago? My son was hovering around 2.5 and I was pressing and gauging my husband for another baby. I was on the fence. I had an unplanned C-section and bad PPD/rage. To be honest, I don’t think I took into consideration all of the things that my husband was feeling. I demanded couple’s counseling and my husband’s response? “Why, because you think it will change my mind?” Instead, my husband started individual counseling. He started unpacking his childhood > sibling dynamics, etc. as there are many, many fractured sibling relationships within his family. Seeing him go thru this and understanding his perspective shifted mine a bit. Also, it’s not like I was going to divorce him, so I could find someone else to have a baby with. Having a strong family unit is more important than my son having a sibling. Sometimes I get sad when I see a second baby announcement and then I snap out of it. Not here to say, “go on your therapy journey and your wife will change her mind” but it does take time to truly accept that your family may not look like how you envisioned it.

 

[humble312]

@wisdomandlove Go get snipped. You’ve told her no and she’s pestering you about it. That ends the discussion.