pfaffenhofen
New member
@wisdomandlove I hope you got your tubes snipped
No free time, no social life. No more. Wife disagrees
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athanasius88
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@wisdomandlove This may be what causes your marriage to fail, good luck because she seems set (and it’s not wrong of her to want another, but she shouldn’t be pressuring you either).
melodyglow
New member
@wisdomandlove I'm not sure how I feel about everyone hating in the wife. She could be feeling blindsided if the plan was to have two.
I have a friend who's husband considered one and done for a bit and it broke her heart, for her she was already compromising on less kids instead of the big family she wanted. He came around and things are all good, but when major plans change its hard.
It took my husband a few years to stop hoping I'd change my mind again and want another, and I also wanted to change my mind. I felt awful for backtracking on the original plan and was worried he'd resent me.
OP doesn't mention his wife's feelings at all here, so I'm not convinced they've had a respectful conversation about this. OP you and your wife need to have a proper conversation here, possibly with a therapist because if neither of you are willing to budge you might not be able to save the marriage.
I have a friend who's husband considered one and done for a bit and it broke her heart, for her she was already compromising on less kids instead of the big family she wanted. He came around and things are all good, but when major plans change its hard.
It took my husband a few years to stop hoping I'd change my mind again and want another, and I also wanted to change my mind. I felt awful for backtracking on the original plan and was worried he'd resent me.
OP doesn't mention his wife's feelings at all here, so I'm not convinced they've had a respectful conversation about this. OP you and your wife need to have a proper conversation here, possibly with a therapist because if neither of you are willing to budge you might not be able to save the marriage.
@wisdomandlove I am actually your wife in this scenario where I desperately want a second and my husband doesn't. It's extremely hurtful to me, but actually my husband has all the power because I cannot get pregnant without him. So ultimately his choice is what goes because I can't change his mind or make him impregnate me. Also, like many said- it does get much better when they are out of the baby phase.
fruityshoes
New member
@prathik This sounds incredibly sad- not getting to have the family you want would be heartbreaking. But in my mind- it doesn't matter whether it's the husband or the wife, and it's not about power. One yes and one no equals no. A child does not want to be born to parents that were not both enthusiastic about parenting them. I'm not saying this to discredit the feelings of the commenter, just to give a different view on this comment.
roundspheal01
New member
@wisdomandlove Her thinking is wrong,you don't need to have another child just so they can be playmates.
My husband and I also OAD,we occasionally joke how screwed we'd be if we ever decide(NEVER) to have another child.
Also how do you not have free time or a social life?I mean my husband and I are both homebodies but we make sure we give each other time to decompress and enjoy our hobbies.
My husband and I also OAD,we occasionally joke how screwed we'd be if we ever decide(NEVER) to have another child.
Also how do you not have free time or a social life?I mean my husband and I are both homebodies but we make sure we give each other time to decompress and enjoy our hobbies.
@wisdomandlove Please plan some dates nights. Also, maybe couple’s therapy to discuss the second child issue.
clydelovesgod
New member
@wisdomandlove I would say she probably doesn’t understand you are serious. Maybe suggest the should I have another sub Reddit or this one. Reasoning of “my first kid needs a playmate” isn’t a great reason. That kid is a whole new person. If you are as excited about #2 as you were #1, I think it needs to be rethought.
Also if one spouse isn’t on board could you imagine any resentment that could come and destroy a marriage? For me I would always choose my spouse over the want to have another child.
Also if one spouse isn’t on board could you imagine any resentment that could come and destroy a marriage? For me I would always choose my spouse over the want to have another child.
harfelugan
New member
@wisdomandlove I have two children who are 18 months and 3 months and I can totally understand why some people make the decision to have one. My life is insane right now and I'm practically just existing and fending to their needs all the time. Even my most basic human needs like eating or showering are not met, I'm so tired, have no hobbies, have no time to wind down at the end of the day. I feel completely overwhelmed. I know it will get easier but I know that after these two I'm so done. I want to get this phase out of the way and have them be older and more independent so I can start to feel human again. I totally get why one is appealing, it's hard enough going through this once!
walterm%C3%BCller
New member
@wisdomandlove Get a vasectomy behind her back if possible. I plan on eventually sterilizing myself and idgaf what any man has to say about it
timberduck
New member
@wisdomandlove Our son is 1 as well it's definitely the up and down of it all for a while there we were thinking of another but the lack of sleep SUCKS. But we are considering adopting or fostering.
steve_bakr
New member
@wisdomandlove Little ones do take your free time, as they get older you gain some of it back little by little. If you were to have another one, now would be opportune time so that diminishes the the time it takes to get your free time back
davesnothere
New member
@wisdomandlove Did your wife have any issues during her pregnancy or during the childbirth and after? Maybe you can use that to dissuade her. I had issues during childbirth and right after and really don't want to go through that again. My health is more important and that is another huge reason why I'm OAD. Also, at 39 years old, I'm too old. My son is 18 months old and I can't keep up with him.
@wisdomandlove My partner put his foot down at even one so it bothers me when people try to push for more than one. I would be so so so so so happy if he would just agree to one. Something to keep in mind if your wife pushes.
@fredt01 Oh, I know he won’t agree. I never said he would. I will not be finding someone else though thank you very much. I’m deciding between having a kid by a donor and hoping he is involved in some capacity (something he had suggested years ago) and staying with him without kids.
It’s easy to just say a couple is not compatible, but personally I don’t buy into that. Even if it kills me, I will not be replacing this man with someone else.
It’s easy to just say a couple is not compatible, but personally I don’t buy into that. Even if it kills me, I will not be replacing this man with someone else.
@dixonary This might just be the saddest thing I’ve read on Reddit in a while. Topics such as marriage, children, religion, politics, and money are the basic and fundamental building blocks of a relationship. If someone wants to have children but their partner doesn’t, this will cause cracks in the foundation of their relationship.
If you want to be a mom “so so so so so” badly, why don’t you find a mate who wants to do that with you? You’re considering having a donor baby and hoping your man is involved with parenting in some capacity… but how is that fair to the child? Like, what if you have a donor baby and he doesn’t want to be involved? You’d stay with him but raise the baby as a single mother?
If you want to be a mom “so so so so so” badly, why don’t you find a mate who wants to do that with you? You’re considering having a donor baby and hoping your man is involved with parenting in some capacity… but how is that fair to the child? Like, what if you have a donor baby and he doesn’t want to be involved? You’d stay with him but raise the baby as a single mother?
committedchristian2012
New member
@wisdomandlove I was more lonely with a sibling than without. A sibling isn’t a guaranteed friend.
ericbeaudoin
New member
@wisdomandlove Having kid(s) should always be a mutual decision and for only one reason: both of you guys wanting it. Not because of the need for siblings, not because of society, not because of "I want this and it's not important what other partner wants".
It's a child. It is a person. Everyone needs to be wanted.
If you don't want this, be firm in your decision, no matter what.
And just one thing - it gets easier with the kid as it gets older. Don't know about how it is with multiples, but with one, you really do get your social life and free time back. Somewhat
It's a child. It is a person. Everyone needs to be wanted.
If you don't want this, be firm in your decision, no matter what.
And just one thing - it gets easier with the kid as it gets older. Don't know about how it is with multiples, but with one, you really do get your social life and free time back. Somewhat