Newly single dad, questions for you single moms

[chelseamc]

So wife (soon ex) went off the deep end, in rehab now but I give her a year tops, so with that I currently have full custody of our 3 daughters (5,7,10). In our apartment building there is a single (at least unmarried) mom with a couple girls and our daughters go to the same school, play after together, etc.. They get along great, her kids are well behaved and as such I have no problem with them coming in to play. Now it's winter and sometimes just too cold to be outdoors, so typically the kids and I watch TV, play games, or read.

So there's some background, the question is, being newly a single parent I realize how lonely it can be, and the neighbor mom is a nice person, she watched my kids when everything went down and was very nice. To that end, I'd like to invite her kids to come over to play cards or other games, as well as invite her too, but what's stopping me is that I don't want to come across as hitting on her or being otherwise creepy! My end goal is to make friends with her so that I don't come across as a creeper to other moms, single or otherwise, and to generally acclimatize myself to non sexual interactions with women.

So how would you feel if I knocked on your door and asked? Oh we do have each other's phone number from when she watched my girls but I don't feel comfortable texting her like I would my male friends.

A side note, while I'm not tall I can be physically intimidating, have been told numerous times that I look pissed off often (I'm working on that by smiling), and I don't want her or anyone to be agreeable simply because they're scared!

Oh another question, when I'm picking up my girls from dance class, standing around with a couple moms waiting for their kids, are you open to small talk or is that just weird?

P. S. I'm freaking out!

 

[sogjohn]

@chelseamc I'd totally hangout with you if you were open and honest like this. Just make light of the potential awkwardness of the situation and it should make everyone feel more at ease.

As far as waiting for your daughter, I'd just read the room and own the space you're in. You belong there just as much as the moms do; if anyone got shitty about it, that's on them.

 

[jeromecoates]

@chelseamc I’m open to small talk from everyone. Some people will like it more than others; just figure it out on an individual level based on how people respond. Depending on your geographic area, some people might be more friendly toward single parents, some more intimidated, etc.

I can appreciate that you want to make more friends and don’t want the neighbor to read too much into your friendship. Maybe you can say that explicitly to her: “it’s fun hanging out with you. I’m making a New Years resolution to make more female friends. Have you been able to make friends as a single parent? What’s that been like for you?”

I can also appreciate that an intimidating-looking male is being extra cautious about freaking out. But bonus: when people find out you’re kindhearted, they may feel extra endeared toward you for not feeling threatened in your presence.

Good luck

 

[ahhhh]

@chelseamc Go for it. Be up front and let her know you'd like to make friends and maybe learn from her. Ask her if she has any tips as a veteran single parent. I haven't met any single parents in my area and I for one would welcome single parent friends of either gender as it is not an easy walk for anyone. She also knows your situation so would probably be less likely to jump to any conclusions.

 

[katrina2017]

@ahhhh Asking for advice is a GREAT way to set the tone for your relationship/friendship.

 

[katrina2017]

@chelseamc almost everyone is dying for recognition, acknowledge people and they will like you for it (as a friend)

 

[godspell]

@chelseamc If it were me, I would be much more comfortable at first if you proposed either coming by your place OR going out somewhere public like the park or indoor playground. Let her decide what she's comfortable with first (just don't say that part!). It would be much less intimidating than just being invited to a strange man's house. But I'm skittish and worry every man that's nice to me & my kids might secretly be a serial killer (kidding! But not entirely...) She may not be as neurotic as me, since you already have a friendly relationship.

 

[bc1]

@chelseamc Ok so I’m not saying this to be rude but it sounds like you’re freaking out and overthinking things because you possibly subconsciously have dating in the back of your mind, how long have you been single?

My advice just relax don’t overwhelm yourself and just talk to these women like you would if they happened to be a guy

 

[chelseamc]

@bc1 Oh I over think just about everything! Been about 3 weeks since I kicked her out, I briefly talked to a couple interests and realized that I am in no way ready to date!

 

[bc1]

@chelseamc I’m the same way, just try relaxing and be your natural self. Good luck

 

[utahorbust]

@chelseamc You "give her a year tops"? - I'm sorry that your kids' mom is struggling. Small talk is not weird. Trying to find a replacement mother figure for your family would certainly be weird at this point. Just make sure your boundaries are appropriate.

 

[chelseamc]

@utahorbust Yeah, past experience is that she does great the first couple weeks, then hits a plateau, struggles, and then relapse. Alcohol and meth.

 

[heath18]

@chelseamc The way I see it, dad friends are just as valuable as mom friends as a single mom myself. If I had a son, even more so, but I have a little mini-me and the meme is right, it is like female fight club. But anyway, I don’t date because I don’t trust myself to not be fooled by someone who looks great on paper but in reality is a psycho. So dad friends and the weekly visit with her dad are really the only adult male influences my kiddo gets; I work in a very male-dominated field so most of my friends from college forward are men, and the female friends are usually their wives or other moms from my kid’s gazillion dance classes.

If you are good at reading social cues, then by all means invite her over. Be transparent - most of us know that people in the midst of a divorce are off-limits (although the skeevy guys came out of the woodwork when I made it clear I was getting divorced, but most of them were not real friends of mine and the few who were aren’t now) but maybe find a way to work into a conversation that you’re not looking. But she’ll probably know. Just don’t be skeevy. Which you aren’t because you’re asking this question.

 

[mika145]

@chelseamc Whether your a single dad or a single mum, were all in the same boat! And it is lonely! If both of your kids play all the time then I really dont think she would find it creepy! Just ask if they wanna come play, if they do and she agrees that its ok then offer her a cup of tea or coffee, etc, just keep it friendly and casual. I'd give my right arm to have a single mum friend or a single dad friend..... or any friend I laugh on here but I'm dying inside lol. Good luck!

 

[e1ouise]

@chelseamc Honestly, Relax a bit. There's nothing sexier than a great father to his girls. Smile and try to enjoy the small moments and trust me a good woman will definitely notice. Way to step up and be thoughtful enough to ask!!

 

[abigail_akaprincess]

@chelseamc I would totally hang out with you! I think being as honest as you were with us is the best way to go. Kids get along great, looking for friends who get it, is a great way to start.

 

[chelseamc]

@abigail_akaprincess Lol great, I'm in South Dakota, coffee is on!

 

[abigail_akaprincess]

@chelseamc I'm in Maine. Lol! That's a bit of a hike!

 

[pfarley]

@chelseamc You sound amazing! Go ask! Good luck!

My condolences for what you’re going through.

 

[katrina2017]

@chelseamc You can start off by saying you’d love to have her kids over so she can get a break and the kids can have a play date, then you can throw in as an afterthought that she could stay for tea or coffee too if she would like.

I’m fine sending my daughter over for play dates but feel kind of overwhelmed if my presence is contingent on that happening. Take the pressure off her, and even if she doesn’t wanna come the first time around, as the kid become good friends and she sees you more, she’ll probably be down to come over occasionally to hang out.