@lostandinsecure Glad your LO is well. No chance in hell Im not there everyday we were there in height of covid as well. All the parents who didnt show up frequently had much lower outcomes of same gestational age. Luck is a factor but nothing substitutes a parents careful watch. All NICU’s are different. USA side here.
New NICU Father. All help and advice please
- Thread starter bennycross315
- Start date
lostandinsecure
New member
@islandray You must have missed the part where I said I wasn't allowed to be there at all. But thank you for implying that those who have lives outside of their baby's NICU stay are putting their baby's health at risk. You don't know the medical information for those other babies, you know nothing about their gestational health or their mothers health, you know nothing about their other risk factors, you know nothing about their parents circumstances and mental health. Some people have no choice but to go back to work. Some people might have subsequent health issues of their own that mean they cannot be at baby's bedside. It doesn't matter how often you are there, I'm pretty sure a doctor's clinical training substitutes and supercedes a parents careful watch. You get to make your choice about what you do, but it is not OK to imply that people who don't make that same choice are putting baby's health at risk. Unless you have research evidence that proves that when all else is equal, parents being there day in and day out makes a different?
mccouchsky
New member
@islandray Whatever works for you...but realize that everyone's situation is different, and the goal in this community is encouraging and supporting people wherever they be, whatever their circumstances may be, and whatever journey their preemie faces. Giving people a sense that they will be failing their babies if realistically they can't be in the NICU 24/7 isn't...ideal.
Also, how on earth would you know how much time different parents spent in the NICU, and their babies' outcomes months and years later? No one would deny it's important to be present, as able. But to suggest there is a medical difference in being there four hours in a day versus eight hours in a day is highly misleading.
Also, how on earth would you know how much time different parents spent in the NICU, and their babies' outcomes months and years later? No one would deny it's important to be present, as able. But to suggest there is a medical difference in being there four hours in a day versus eight hours in a day is highly misleading.
@mccouchsky Disagree with your assertions and all the information provided is accurate and can be taken for what its worth. You have no idea what our family went through and sacrificed to be present 100%. I provide information to be helpful to people in same situation. For your information our attendings in a 100+ bed NICU unit constantly complained about other parent’s failure to show up & couldn’t even get on phone for surgeries. Our observations due to our presence saved our babies life on more then a handful of occasions. So rather then being judgemental Im sure OP can appreciate we don’t like to see others have close calls when presence can help avoid it. For all my visits and advice to this forum this is the most I have seen people recommend being out of sight out of mind its unreal.
vanessamarsden
New member
@islandray There's a BIG difference between being there when you can when you have work obligations, limited childcare for older kiddos, live far away etc and just not visiting much at all because you just want your kid "out of sight, out of mind." Most people who frequent this sub who can't be at bedside most of the day probably fit in the first category. It's great you could be at bedside as much as you could but that's not realistic or healthy for a lot of parents. As an RN I encourage parents to go get a meal, some sleep and come back refreshed and not to feel guilty for taking care of themselves.
@mccouchsky Also just being in the NICU is depressing sometimes. I'd like to think I was supporting my kid but I couldn't touch her or hold her or do anything for her other than talk. And sometimes when she was asleep I couldn't talk to her so I would just stare at her instead.
marymargaret
New member
@islandray NICU nurse here. First of all, congratulations! I agree with most of this, but definitely not “be there every day for as long as possible”. It is important to see your baby and assist with their care as much as you can/want to, but remember to take care of yourself also. Going to the NICU is super draining. We have parents that sit at the bedside all day and they get really burnt out and their health suffers in all aspects. IT IS OKAY to not visit every day. I say this because almost all parents think they absolutely have to come every day. Please don’t feel pressured to do that unless you want to. Find a visiting schedule that works for you and your partner’s mental/emotional health and whatever other life responsibilities you have.
Also, ask about the NICVIEW camera if they haven’t set it up yet. It’s a camera that is positioned over the isolette so you can see your baby even when you aren’t physically in the NICU. Some facilities don’t have them, but most do.
Congratulations again on your sweet baby
Also, ask about the NICVIEW camera if they haven’t set it up yet. It’s a camera that is positioned over the isolette so you can see your baby even when you aren’t physically in the NICU. Some facilities don’t have them, but most do.
Congratulations again on your sweet baby
amarekanne
New member
@islandray This is all spot on
@bennycross315 I gave birth via C-section because of severe preeclampsia about 3 weeks ago. Our baby was 29 weeks but in the 11th percentile for weight so still pretty tiny.
I know it sucks that it feels like you can't do anything. But your baby is in the best place for her and the nurses are all taking excellent care of her. Focus your energy on your wife right now. She is probably feeling like shit right now, especially if she is still on magnesium. My husband took on as much of the mental load of everything as he could. Most importantly he came up with a pumping schedule after the lactation consultant talked to us and put all the alarms on his phone so that I could just pump and get my supply going without having to think about it. The other most important thing he did was visit our baby at least once per day while we were at the hospital and I was feeling too crappy to even think about leaving our room. It helped me feel better to know that one of us was checking in on her.
Your baby is going to be in the NICU for several months, so my best long term advice is to figure out a schedule. You don't have to go to the NICU everyday, but what works for us is we go every morning at the time that they feed her and do cares. That way we can be involved in changing her diaper, taking her temperature, and hold her while she is fed. My husband and I take turns doing skin to skin and it kinda sucks that I can't hold her every day, but that's what she can handle right now, and I want my husband to hold her too. Anyway, having a scheduled time that we go see her and help care for her helps our sanity a lot because we know we are doing all we can for her.
I know it sucks that it feels like you can't do anything. But your baby is in the best place for her and the nurses are all taking excellent care of her. Focus your energy on your wife right now. She is probably feeling like shit right now, especially if she is still on magnesium. My husband took on as much of the mental load of everything as he could. Most importantly he came up with a pumping schedule after the lactation consultant talked to us and put all the alarms on his phone so that I could just pump and get my supply going without having to think about it. The other most important thing he did was visit our baby at least once per day while we were at the hospital and I was feeling too crappy to even think about leaving our room. It helped me feel better to know that one of us was checking in on her.
Your baby is going to be in the NICU for several months, so my best long term advice is to figure out a schedule. You don't have to go to the NICU everyday, but what works for us is we go every morning at the time that they feed her and do cares. That way we can be involved in changing her diaper, taking her temperature, and hold her while she is fed. My husband and I take turns doing skin to skin and it kinda sucks that I can't hold her every day, but that's what she can handle right now, and I want my husband to hold her too. Anyway, having a scheduled time that we go see her and help care for her helps our sanity a lot because we know we are doing all we can for her.
@lexymay21 The mornings are often a good time to visit because that's when doctors usually make their rounds and you can talk to them about baby. We were never there in the am and we barely got to speak with the doctors
ngocluongkt48
New member
@bennycross315 Hi there, NICU dad here to a 25 +6 baby boy who was born in March, also in another state away from home with my wife. Long story. Congrats on your baby girl OP! Your feeling on day 2 is palpable and I remember the flood of emotions… don’t worry it’s normal.
A few things that helped us along the way-
A few things that helped us along the way-
- We did go to the NICU everyday and just know it is a rollercoaster. Cherish the great days they’ll be the fuel you’ll need for the ones that aren’t so great.
- We made goals each day not a schedule. For example - to read him a book, do kangaroo care for x amount of hours. Usually very simple.
- Primary nurses - if you can get some you like take advantage of this.
- ask questions to nurses and doctors as much as you’d like. Ask twice and three times if needed.
- We talked to the hospital therapist from the first week. He helped us immensely.
- It’s not easy. Be kind to yourselves as everyday takes strength.
godssceneprincess
New member
@bennycross315 I did see this in another comment, but it’s so important and I want to just highlight it:
One day at a time.
Those 5 words got me through a long NICU stay. They’ve gotten me through more since then. This sub was also hugely helpful. Keep coming back, use the resources that are available to you, and take care of yourself along the way. Just don’t ever worry about anything that isn’t important today. You need that bandwidth.
Congrats on the birth of your daughter!
One day at a time.
Those 5 words got me through a long NICU stay. They’ve gotten me through more since then. This sub was also hugely helpful. Keep coming back, use the resources that are available to you, and take care of yourself along the way. Just don’t ever worry about anything that isn’t important today. You need that bandwidth.
Congrats on the birth of your daughter!
@bennycross315 I’ll spare the story and just say hang in there dad, you’re doing great. Eat, rest, and do for yourself, you’re in a marathon, not a sprint.
Visit often. Ask questions often. Talk to your wife (and new princess) often.
Visit often. Ask questions often. Talk to your wife (and new princess) often.
@bennycross315 Oh buddy, my heart goes out to you. I'm in just about your same shoes, just a couple days ahead of you. Little girl, 25+6, born on the 11th. I don't have much advice for you that hasn't been said already. I will say, I have gone for some late night walks when my wife is asleep and that has really helped me. It's okay to cry. And hang in there, everything is going to be okay. Send me a message if you need, we can at least commiserate together
@bennycross315 First off congratulations!!!
My wife and I had our son 8 weeks early, he ended up spending 85 days in the NICU. For the first few weeks of my sons stay I was introduced to a lot of different machines, from helping him to breath, bilirubin lights, etc. Familiarize yourself with all of them. Do NOT be afraid to ask questions, even if they might seem dumb to you.
The nurses and doctors are you friends, and sort of your extended family while daughter is there. You will get to know all of them well.
I hate to say it but… there will be bad days. But in my experience the good days outweighed the bad, by a large margin.
If you or your wife start to feel overwhelmed, don’t bottle it up. Ask for help or advice. The coming days will be trying on you and her. Spending some time away for the NICU is important too. It may seem like you are a “bad parent” for not being there every minute you can. But you need some time to relieve the stress.
My wife and I were fortunate enough that I have a really good job. She was able to take the entire time, and another moth once my son was out, off of work. Not everyone is in that situation though.
I don’t know about your NICU, but mine was 24/7 visiting for parents. Whenever I was feeling down, or had a nightmare I would leave the house go to the NICU and see my boy.
For the first while, you won’t get to hold her. That was the toughest part for me and my wife. But learn about hand holds. And talk to her, let her know dad and mom are there for her.
If you want to reach out to me feel free!!!
My wife and I had our son 8 weeks early, he ended up spending 85 days in the NICU. For the first few weeks of my sons stay I was introduced to a lot of different machines, from helping him to breath, bilirubin lights, etc. Familiarize yourself with all of them. Do NOT be afraid to ask questions, even if they might seem dumb to you.
The nurses and doctors are you friends, and sort of your extended family while daughter is there. You will get to know all of them well.
I hate to say it but… there will be bad days. But in my experience the good days outweighed the bad, by a large margin.
If you or your wife start to feel overwhelmed, don’t bottle it up. Ask for help or advice. The coming days will be trying on you and her. Spending some time away for the NICU is important too. It may seem like you are a “bad parent” for not being there every minute you can. But you need some time to relieve the stress.
My wife and I were fortunate enough that I have a really good job. She was able to take the entire time, and another moth once my son was out, off of work. Not everyone is in that situation though.
I don’t know about your NICU, but mine was 24/7 visiting for parents. Whenever I was feeling down, or had a nightmare I would leave the house go to the NICU and see my boy.
For the first while, you won’t get to hold her. That was the toughest part for me and my wife. But learn about hand holds. And talk to her, let her know dad and mom are there for her.
If you want to reach out to me feel free!!!
iveseenyou
New member
@bennycross315 Congratulations on your baby girl. I gave birth to my daughter in may at 29w4d because of severe preeclampsia. Also an emergency c section. We were there for 62 days, taking our daughter home about a week and half before her due date.
Your wife is going through a lot: magnesium sucks, there’s a lot of guilt (at least on my part) that the baby was born so early, and she may still be having blood pressure issues. Both my husband and I are in therapy (separate therapists) and it’s been so helpful to have that outlet. Highly recommend finding someone for the two of you. Do NOT feel guilty if you can’t be there every second of the day. Your mental health is just as important and your baby is in the best place they can be right now. If your wife is pumping - help her. Cleaning pump parts, dropping milk off, etc. And if she decides to not pump or stop, please let her know that is fine too. Pumping after a traumatic birth is incredibly hard and it can affect people’s supply. For me, I would feel awful in the pump room seeing how everyone else was pumping so much more than me.
But most importantly, the NICU is a marathon not a sprint. Take care of yourself. Find someone you can talk to. Don’t compare your experience to others in the NICU. And use this subreddit…I found it so helpful during my experience.
I wish you and your whole family the best of luck. Everyone here is rooting for you guys.
Your wife is going through a lot: magnesium sucks, there’s a lot of guilt (at least on my part) that the baby was born so early, and she may still be having blood pressure issues. Both my husband and I are in therapy (separate therapists) and it’s been so helpful to have that outlet. Highly recommend finding someone for the two of you. Do NOT feel guilty if you can’t be there every second of the day. Your mental health is just as important and your baby is in the best place they can be right now. If your wife is pumping - help her. Cleaning pump parts, dropping milk off, etc. And if she decides to not pump or stop, please let her know that is fine too. Pumping after a traumatic birth is incredibly hard and it can affect people’s supply. For me, I would feel awful in the pump room seeing how everyone else was pumping so much more than me.
But most importantly, the NICU is a marathon not a sprint. Take care of yourself. Find someone you can talk to. Don’t compare your experience to others in the NICU. And use this subreddit…I found it so helpful during my experience.
I wish you and your whole family the best of luck. Everyone here is rooting for you guys.
android3850
New member
@bennycross315 Hi 
NICU mom here.
I experienced something similar, but had my twin boys at 33 weeks. It was terrifying, wild, amazing, and life changing all at once. It is okay to be overwhelmed. You got this.
I am going to give you some advice in two categories: short term and long term.
Short term:
1. Get some sleep, and make sure you and your wife are eating 3 balanced square meals a day if financially possible. Trust me, you need the energy just to process everything mentally.
2. Drink plenty of water.
3. Talk to someone about how you are feeling. I would pick someone other than your wife because she is going through a lot right now also.
Pro tip: bring your wife a blanket and a towel from home if she doesn’t already have those things packed. Trust me, they will make her stay in the hospital a million times better.
Long term:
1. Find a therapist. This is traumatic, and the sooner you deal with it the better. The NICU social worker will have resources available to help you if you are not financially able to access mental health services normally.
2. Ask your NICU social worker if they have any financial resources to help with the cost. This is not something you need to worry about right now, but you will have to think about it in a few months.
3. Ask someone for help at home. Even if it’s just to wash the dishes or do your laundry. Having someone there for you just to be there can make a huge difference- even if it’s only a few days or a few hrs a day.
4. Schedule out some “me time” for you AND your wife. You both will need it. Even if it’s only 20 minutes in the garage. The solitude and silence for a moment can be healing when things are overwhelming.
Everything is going to be okay.
NICU mom here. I experienced something similar, but had my twin boys at 33 weeks. It was terrifying, wild, amazing, and life changing all at once. It is okay to be overwhelmed. You got this.
I am going to give you some advice in two categories: short term and long term.
Short term:
1. Get some sleep, and make sure you and your wife are eating 3 balanced square meals a day if financially possible. Trust me, you need the energy just to process everything mentally.
2. Drink plenty of water.
3. Talk to someone about how you are feeling. I would pick someone other than your wife because she is going through a lot right now also.
Pro tip: bring your wife a blanket and a towel from home if she doesn’t already have those things packed. Trust me, they will make her stay in the hospital a million times better.
Long term:
1. Find a therapist. This is traumatic, and the sooner you deal with it the better. The NICU social worker will have resources available to help you if you are not financially able to access mental health services normally.
2. Ask your NICU social worker if they have any financial resources to help with the cost. This is not something you need to worry about right now, but you will have to think about it in a few months.
3. Ask someone for help at home. Even if it’s just to wash the dishes or do your laundry. Having someone there for you just to be there can make a huge difference- even if it’s only a few days or a few hrs a day.
4. Schedule out some “me time” for you AND your wife. You both will need it. Even if it’s only 20 minutes in the garage. The solitude and silence for a moment can be healing when things are overwhelming.
Everything is going to be okay.
damon_guecho
New member
@bennycross315 My heart goes out to you and your wife I know first hand the fear and derealization you’re going through, and while everyone has a different journey I hope you can find some form of comfort through this sub. Feel free to reach out if you need additional support! Continue to post if it makes you feel better and know there a lots of us following your story/you are not alone
I know first hand the fear and derealization you’re going through, and while everyone has a different journey I hope you can find some form of comfort through this sub. Feel free to reach out if you need additional support! Continue to post if it makes you feel better and know there a lots of us following your story/you are not alone@bennycross315 New NICU dad as well . My son was born 14 weeks early . He's doing great 2 weeks later and it's scary at first but things get better. They are saying mid November for my little man Ganon (for all the Zelda fans)
torm3nted_soul
New member
@bennycross315 If you’re able, I highly recommend one of these: https://topponcinocompany.com/
We would get the baby and all her cords settled in on it, which made passing her back and forth between my husband and I much easier.
If your hospital offers meal vouchers take full advantage. If we weren’t hungry we just used it to filled my purse with non perishable snacks.
We would get the baby and all her cords settled in on it, which made passing her back and forth between my husband and I much easier.
If your hospital offers meal vouchers take full advantage. If we weren’t hungry we just used it to filled my purse with non perishable snacks.