New mom and struggling

[fellowsheep]

Hello, I was debating posting on here but I think I really just want to talk to people that know what I’m going through. I had my son about 3 months and a week ago. I am currently still laid off due to covid19 and my husband went back to work a few weeks ago. As soon as he went back I felt my mental health decline severely. I have been struggling from sleep deprivation and not having a break. The most I’ve been away from my sun is a few hours every week for a trip to the grocery store or errands I have to run. I take the nights because my husband is working so I only feel it’s fair but at the same time I’m struggling really bad and want the help. He is starting to sleep through the night and I felt like we were making progress with developing a schedule with sleep training and the last week he’s completely regressed back to constantly waking up. All my husband says is he’s sure he will adjust again. It’s really easy to brush it off when he was never the one to deal with waking up with him. He says he can’t fall asleep again once he wakes up and half the time he’d take a shift I’d end up getting woken up by him asking me for help. I am so exhausted and any time some has come over to “help” the second he cries they hand him back because he “needs his mommy”. He isn’t crying because he spent two minutes out of my arms he’s crying cause he wants to be held differently or one of the other 10000 reasons a baby cries. I’m just having such a hard time finding any hope in me. I worked up the nerve to stat therapy a few weeks ago and feel like it’s truly been a waste of time. I’m gonna cancel this upcoming appointment and just am discouraged from going back all together. It was hard to open up like that to begin with and I feel like I’m just venting to a friend she isn’t really being a therapist. I don’t know I’m just feeling so hopeless and I always thought I wanted more kids and for them to be close together but I genuinely am starting to question how I could even handle another. On top of all of this I had a terrible pregnancy, was sick constantly, had every symptom in the book and gave birth 6 weeks early. It’s been such a long road and I thought it would start to lighten up and I don’t think it has and it’s feeling like it’s gonna be so long before it does. I’m just carrying so much weight on me and it doesn’t feel like anyone cares to help lighten that. Thanks for the rant I just needed that off my chest.

 

[tylervan]

@fellowsheep Okay mama take a deep breath. I know it dosnt seem like it but it dose get better. I've been in your shoes for comming to a year with my husband hes only there for the laughs and smiles but the second it goes south it's all me and has been that way. My daughter will be a year in a month and she was a nightmare with sleeping but once she hit 5 months she was sleeping like a pro. My biggest advice is start a routine. Example mine is: baby wakes up between 6-7am has a morning snack some milk plays eats a meal at 9:30 takes an hour nap at 10. Wakes up at 11 has a snack and milk plays and eats a meal at 2, takes an hour nap at 3. Wakes up at 4 only milk and plays has a big meal at 6 takes a bath at 6:15 plays till 7 and it's to bed. It dosent always go so smooth but it's so helpful to have a routine because I know once 3 o'clock rolls around shes gonna take a nap and I have an hour to breathe and take a nice shower or eat or honestly play a game on my phone anything I'm feeling. Also we incorporate outside time and it really helps with a grumpy butt. So on days it's just unbearable maybe just take a little walk in your back yard or sit in the shade with your little one and it gives you both a breath of fresh air. It gets easier but a routine saved me and my sanity and it's really good for your baby. I'm always here if you need to talk, were on the same team.

 

[fellowsheep]

@tylervan Thanks, I’m really trying to create a routine but the last few days he’s completely regressed. None of the sleeping techniques are working to get him to fall back asleep and he barely will take a nap during the day anymore. I think it’s a growth spurt but I’m scared it’s not and I’ve worked so hard to get that routine and it feels like all progress is lost.

 

[tylervan]

@fellowsheep It's not lost! Mine did the same thing! Just stick to it and at nap time when she was getting use to the routine i would lay her down in her crib where its quiet and give her a binky and close the door. I know it sounds mean but if he cried she cried. She eventually got the picture that "oh when I get put in this crib and mom leaves and its quiet I need to go to sleep" stick to your guns and stick to a routine I promise you it will pay off in the end. Also teething and teething is terrible and stressful but once the first one pops threw the rest get easier and easier. Also gas, if the crying is inconsolable give some gas drops and that will also help so much. Honestly I have no one to help or ask why is she crying i just googled everything and just kinda wing it and go with the flow. As for the sleep and husband thing. I'm in the same boat it feels like it's only me and I'm a single mom somtimes and advice on that find somthing to just bring you peace I draw or journal. I cant draw to save my life but it takes me away for a minute and journaling has helped my depression and helps as an outlet to just scream on the paper and say whatever I want.

 

[tylervan]

Also when mine would wake in the middle of the night I would jump up if hungry pop a bottle in prop it with her blanket (I know propping a bottle is a no no) if not go to Binkey then I would put my hand on her stomach and gently shake as a rocking motion and she would calm down and relax drink her bottle or suck her binkey and drift off.

 

[isbjorn995]

@fellowsheep I’m sorry to hear this. Sounds like u are going thru a lot. Here’s what I did to get more sleep : at 3 months baby should probably start going to bed early soon (like 6/7), so you can go to bed then too. Also, on ur husbands day off he needs to take the baby in the morning and let you sleep in. Also, you can take a nap after he’s done working and he can watch the baby. He needs to understand that u need a break.

 

[katrina2017]

@fellowsheep I remember feeling this way. I’m 5 months postpartum now and things are so much better. 1. Your baby will get easier to deal with as he can do more on his own (eg control his neck). He will also develop some
Sort of schedule even if it’s loose. 2. Talk to your husband. You being up every night isn’t fair. You should switch on and off. Also don’t get up to help him. It’s hard to tell your husband that yes he actually does have to do half the work, but it’s worth it. I did this and it was a tough conversation, or rather a series of conversations. There were tears but it was worth it. Also going to work is 1 million times easier than taking care of a baby all day so there is no reason that he should be off the hook just bc he works.

 

[jayeen]

@fellowsheep If therapy isn’t working have you considered using that money to hire postpartum help for the night shift? Even if it’s only a few nights a week or a few hours each night you could maybe hire someone to care for your baby so you can sleep.

In the Washington DC metro area we have a lot of options for that kind of help including licensed nurses, postpartum doulas, etc. I hope you have something by available in your area.

 

[fellowsheep]

@jayeen I’ll definitely look into that. I don’t know if we can afford it but I didn’t know that was a thing, hopefully it is in our area

 

[fellowsheep]

I am trying to let him cry it out, i need to be more strict with it. I had a feeling he might be teething but didn’t know if it was possible this early but it makes the most sense to me right now. And i do draw I think I could benefit from a journal. I just am supposed to go back to work at the end of the month and I feel like I won’t be able to handle all of it. I do all the house work and handle all the finances and it feels overwhelming sometimes. Every time I bring up needing help he says he will and never does or I have to ask a bunch of times for something small to get done, I end up doing it myself and he will just say he was gonna do it or apologize for forgetting despite constant reminders. I just know we are gonna end up having this fight again and it’s exhausting. He never changes to help and I need it especially now.

 

[tylervan]

@fellowsheep Girrllll you just described mine to the tee. After a while I would just hand her to him. Oh you're on your phone while the kitchen Is a mess and i need to clean it? Here you go here's your daughter. As for the asking and things never getting done dong it myself and the apologising? I gave up on that a while ago now when i want to scream at him I just take my daughter in our room and dont go around him then after a few days of doing that and blatantly avoiding him. He came around and was all that lovie shit. I dont know why but when you just act like you dont give a shit it's like the thrive on that and then want to be all over you but when you're all over them and trying to be nice and cute it's like they dont care. My husband is a very very very difficult person. He works and hangs out with his friends while I stay home and leave once a month to go grocery shopping. On the outside looking in its bullshit and seems like a shitty relationship but I somtimes sit with myself when I'm alone and turn off the lights and lay on my bed and it sounds crazy but I have a conversation with myself and it helps so much because for me at least it brings me back down to reality and hearing myself say certain things out loud makes me realize how ridiculous or stupid or crazy it sounds and in my head it sounded so much better but it's the reality. As for your little one mine started teething so early shes almost a year and already had half her teeth. I promise though it seems dark now but that little bundle you have is going to bring you so much joy when they start crawling and walking and laughing and cooing I promise it gets so much better

 

[eburner]

@tylervan In terms of going back to work, I also struggled with similar things to you, but once I was back in work and not being mum for a while, I found I became a ‘better’ mum, I had more patience for everything, I enjoyed doing everything for him again. We also struggled a lot with sleep regression, and we just had to power through it, I kept his same routine, and got up a million times a night just to put his dummy back in. We also have a projector night light which I think really helps.

Anyway, hope this all makes sense, I’m not the best writer, I wish you and your LO lots of happiness

 

[katrina2017]

@fellowsheep It’s way too early for cry it out. At this age your child is crying bc he needs something- it’s probably good. Even if he just ate he may need more. I was feeding my baby for almost the entire 3 first months. It took my husband a long time to adjust as well. I think what really helped was when I was finally able to express that I was unhappy and really unhappy with him. I wasn’t mean or harsh. I just told him I wanted us to work but things weren’t working. The bottom line is the first couple months are really hard but I promise it gets so much easier and so much better. If you need more direct support feel dress to message me. I’m happy to talk over the phone. I just remember feeling how you feel and I want to help!

 

[fellowsheep]

He works a mid shift and gets called in early constantly so he can’t take the baby early and by the time he’s home it’s late and he’s already asleep. He told me he’d start taking him the whole day on the weekends so I can have a break but I went to give a bottle earlier for him to feed him and he just said, I did it last time. So much for that. Sometimes it just feels like a lost cause and it’s hard to keep going when I’m so exhausted physically and mentally.

 

[sneebuck]

@fellowsheep I’m so glad you decided to post because I know exactly how you feel. I have a 4 year old, my baby is 10 months, and I just got a very very unexpected positive pregnancy test last week and I am freaking out about having 2 under 2. Please be easy on yourself. Your pregnancy was rough, you gave birth during a pandemic (which is isolating and lonely enough as it is). My oldest was the easiest baby ever, my son is the complete opposite. He didn’t get into a schedule until about 6 months. Sleep regressions are normal and they happen often. I agree with the other mama who commented that a routine is the most important thing! It’s absolutely vital. Give yourself time and grace to develop one that works for YOU. I’m sorry to hear you don’t feel you have the right therapist. However, I wouldn’t give up on it completely. Postpartum depression is real and debilitating. I had to switch OB’s halfway through my second pregnancy because the doctor wasn’t for me. Sometimes you just have to look elsewhere.

I’m going to be honest with you. Woman to woman. My husband was USELESS when my daughter was an infant. He wouldn’t change a diaper, wouldn’t give her a bottle, wouldn’t do a single thing. It was my worst nightmare. Turns out he was struggling just as much as I was. We’re both the type to bottle feelings in until we burst. Try talking to your husband about those concerns you have. It’s difficult sometimes but you two need to lean on each other. Don’t get too caught up in thinking about more kids right now. A third baby was always up in the air for us. This is my last and most unexpected pregnancy. Focus on the now, be kind to yourself, get to know your baby and worry about another one when you have a clear mind. I promise it will all work out.

 

[katrina2017]

@fellowsheep OMG this is me right now. Everyday I wake up with so much hate for my bf because, he sleeps through the night and never ever once took a shift. I’m ok with this because I’m breastfeeding and he can’t really do anything. But even in the morning when I ask him to take my son so I can have 30min of sleep he still brings the baby back in the room for me to hear his cry. So naturally I’ll get up to take over. He also expects me to work and expects me to pay rent. I had to resign because No one can watch my baby and he’s only 2 months old. I hate that I feel pressured to contribute. I regret having a baby with him. I’m had I known I wouldn’t be with him. Anyway thank you for sharing your story, glad to know I’m not alone. Hope things will get better for you, and for me.

 

[fellowsheep]

@katrina2017 That’s awful that he expects you to get a job when there’s no one else to watch your son. By the sounds of it he can’t even watch him cause he brings him back when you ask him to. I definitely understand feeling a hatred for them getting to sleep through the night. I don’t feel a hatred but I definitely feel after a rough night with my son, irritation toward my husband that day because I’m so tired and he didn’t even help me. I’m okay with it right now because I’m not working but we are gonna have to figure out some system when I go back because I can’t just do it all day anymore he’s gonna have to learn how to care for him.

 

[fellowsheep]

Thank you that helped a lot. I guess I’m just not sure of what to do now because the techniques before to help him sleep don’t seem to work anymore and I’m unsure of how to get him to stick to a schedule. And I think I will try to find someone else I am just really discouraged about this therapist not working out i think it might be harder to start again. And we’ve had several conversations about how we feel and I know he’s struggling so I try and cut him a break. I just always feel like I’m doing all of the work and when I am back at work there’s a good 4 and a half hours in the morning where he has to watch him alone and he needs to be ready for that. I feel like I’m just gonna get calls that he doesn’t know what to do. Usually he is only awake an hour or two before he naps again so he shouldn’t be dealing with anything too hard to manage. I think I’m just having anxiety about leaving him.

 

[wallflower04]

@fellowsheep My son did this sleep stuff too. He was sleeping for 5 hr chunks and then at 3 months it went to waking up every 1.5-2hr. I think it is because they turn the corner of object permanence and start realizing their sleep surroundings aren’t the same as when they fell asleep. I highly recommend the book Precious Little Sleep. It has been really helpful to me for both my kids.

Therapist - please go find a different one. From my experience you have to visit a few to find the right fit.

Good luck with the share of the work!!

 

[fellowsheep]

That makes me feel a lot better. I just have to go back to work, most likely at the end of the month. And before we had my son I was doing all the cleaning and I make dinner for both of us and I do all the finances. I just do everything and it was a lot to handle. I don’t know how I’m gonna handle that while working and with him. I already feel like the house is constantly a mess because I’m so exhausted I don’t want to deal with it when I finally have a second. I just feel like if I bring it up it’s gonna be an argument we always have with chores where he says he thought he was doing better and get all sad or right now he will say he thought I was doing them since I’m not working. He told me before when I go back to work we will split up the chores but I have a hard time really believing that. And when it comes to arguments I always leave the room cause I don’t wanna be around him and now I just go to my sons room with him and we stay in there. It always seems to make him realize he’s wrong but I feel like nothing changes still.