Needing some other parents opinions....

[eco]

Okay. So we have a 15 y.o daughter....she'll be 16 in 2 months. Her boyfriend just turned 17. They both work at Wendy's and as it's the summer....They're having them both close....so off work at 1-1:30am. He has his license and a car and it's only 3 miles up the road from us....so on those nights he will drive her back home.

They came to my husband and I and asked if he could spend the night on those nights as he lives 30 minutes from Wendy's. I said absolutely....I don't want him driving home tired....I'll leave a blanket and pillow on the couch for him.

I took the step to get her an IUD a month or so ago...as my husband said if there's a will...there's a way. Talking to her gyno apparently it's not uncommon at her age and she's put them into 13 y.os.

Either way....they say no....I want him to sleep in my bed with me. I want to wake up next to him. Yadda yadda.

Am I COMPLETELY old fashioned by saying WHAT THE HELL?! She said all of her friends have their boyfriends sleeping in their beds and sometimes it's for weekends at a time.

My head is saying.. she's 15! She's too young. I wasn't allowed to have a boy even in my room at 15. ..wtf?!

Again....did I just miss the new age parenting train? I'm freaking out.

 

[walter45]

@eco NOPE. If they won't agree to your boundaries then he can't stay the night. If that means he won't give her a ride home then she needs to get picked up by a parent after work.

Your solution is MORE than reasonable. She may be legal to be sexually active but she is still a child and your house rules (as you've put them so far) sound MORE than accommodating.

15/17 year olds playing house would be a no-go at my house too (I have two teenage sons).

I suspect the old 'EVERYONE ELSE'S PARENTS ARE ALLOWING IT' is bullshit.

 

[eco]

@walter45 Well her friends parents I could definitely see them not having an issue with it tbh. 1 daughter is constantly getting picked up by guys she met online and leaving for the week. She just turned 17 and per her mom...there's no way to stop her...she'll do what she wants to do.

 

[walter45]

@eco 15 and 17 are not the same situation. With a 17 year old it is a little bit about someone who is just barely not an adult. A 15 year old is YEARS from being an adult.

While I wouldn't expect a ton of maturity difference between 15 and 17 (though I am often pleasantly surprised) the parenting of the two is different.

I have a 17 year old, an EXTREMELY willful one at that. He sometimes does run off for even a few days at a time and while his mother and I cannot stop it (we are divorced) I often have to remind her that you just have to let it play out, make it known that of course you still love them but the behavior isn't acceptable. In their later teens, they are at an age where consequences are more natural than from mom or dad. The lack of respect for the rules of the house does not and should not go un-noticed and will be a factor in the choices parents will make in the future.

'You want to borrow my car? I would love to be comfortable with lending you my car. At this time, I don't feel respected in this relationship. I would like to be able to say I want the car home at 'X' time but because I don't feel respected, I'm not comfortable that you will honor my boundaries so I cannot let you use my car.'

 

[eco]

@walter45 Her daughter has been pulling this shit for a few years which is why I guess she's just at they eh...whatever stage. She was supposed to be staying at our house 1 night and then a car full of older guys pulled into our driveway to pick her up. My husband lost his shit on them and asked if they knew she was 17...they laughed at him. I called her mom and she said ooo she'll do what she's going to do...you can't stop her....which puts me in a weird place of...I would never let my daughter do this...even if she were 17...but she's not my child....

 

[cgk2005]

@eco You're already being super cool for being understanding and letting him sleep over. That said, she's 15, she needs to realize that there are boundaries. You're doing the right thing by getting her on birth control, but you are still entitled to have boundaries. They of course are going to do what they are going to do, but you having the boundary of him sleeping on the couch needs to be respected. She's only 15, if she was older it would be different.

 

[radikal]

@eco I wouldn’t let him sleep in her bed with her and if I ever caught him sneaking in, he’s no longer welcome to sleep on my couch.

Also is it legal for her to work that late?

 

[eco]

@radikal We have cameras throughout our home so sneaking would be challenging....but again...if there's a will there's a way. I don't know if I'm being naive by saying I trust them both to not pull that shit....as they've come to us to ask permission and tried to understand why etc.

As my daughter says....there's the PA law....then there's Wendy's. I had to call and tell them she wasn't working after 8pm during the school year. Then they gave her attitude about it.

 

[xylophoio]

@eco You are walking the middle path. She is being unreasonable. It’s not about premarital sex- it’s about respect and self control.

 

[joshuaaa]

@eco I'd say no.

You've already gone above and beyond being a great parent by making the arrangements you have made.

He can sleep over, he can have the couch. If something happens, you're prepared. But he still gets the couch.

 

[harlee]

@eco I definitely thought there were child labor laws stating that anyone under the age of 18 could not work later than curfew (10pm most places)

Are you in the US?

 

[eco]

@harlee Yes we have labor laws in Pennsylvania. I've told her they're going to get in deep shyt if this gets reported and caught...but nothing changes aside from me saying no later than 8 during the school year.

 

[harlee]

@eco You would be the one expected to report it darling.

I'm wondering if you have issues with boundaries.

You are comfortable with their sex life, but not them spending a night in the same bed? You're okay with her being taken advantage of in the workplace but won't report it?

These 2 things seem contradictory, or like you aren't willing to create conflict or tension In your relationship with your child.

You have 2 options,

1. realize that they have already done all of the things most parents use as an excuse to not let partner sleep over, and say okay sleep in the same bed.
2. Step a boundary and say no I'm not comfortable with that, it's not my responsibility to make sure a child who is not my own is not put at risk by their work place. Bring up the legality of the late hours for a minor and do something about your child's late hours.

 

[cgk2005]

@harlee I was thinking the same thing. 15 years old and working after 10pm seems odd.

 

[sparrowfeet]

@eco It’s so hard — 15 feels quite young. Actually, it feels too young to be working until 1:30 am. They may be your out— is it legal where you are?

 

[elephas]

@eco Coming from a mother who lets her teens’ girlfriends sleep over in their rooms, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. You’re a lot more lenient and respectful than other parents of teens. You took proactive measures via IUD and are gracious enough to let him crash.

Honestly this could be a great lesson in boundaries and negotiations for her! In life, she’ll hit many points where she’ll clash with others and compromises have to be made. You can take it as an opportunity to show her good communication of boundaries while remaining firm (which can be great for teens to see when to hold their ground and when to let go). Explain your reasoning (having one thought out beforehand helps) and just have a discussion with her. She’s allowed to bring up “rebuttals” that make sense (no “but I want to!” type), but you can also veto them if they are irrational.

Typically for us, that has worked the best because it helps my husband and I evaluate when the rules we’re trying to impose don’t make sense. But it’s also good to help our teens realize that sometimes they’re in the wrong too, and that what they want may not be reasonable. It’s also helped us teach them how to negotiate without whining, when to respect authority and when to contest it, and how to effectively communicate during frustration.

Granted what works for my family may not work for yours, but you guys sound like great parents and I hope y’all are able to resolve this

 

[eco]

@elephas How old are you kids...and when did you start allowing it? Can I ask that? She keeps saying it's because I don't trust her or him...which isn't it at all! She's never given Mr a reason to not trust her. Her brother on the other hand....is the reason for my early frown lines. My husband thinks I'm being over controlling and that we've taken the steps to prevent babies so we should just let them be....ugh

 

[elephas]

@eco Yes ofc!

My oldest is 18. She had sex for the first time at 16. She told me and her father the day it happened. She’d been with her gf since they were 14/15 years old and are still together in college

My second oldest is 17. He had sex for the first time at 15 and told us too. He’s still with his gf and we’re excited to see how this relationship progresses once they graduate!

My next two kids are 9 and 5 so they’re still quite young lol

We’ve been always open about the talks regarding sex, intimacy, relationships (platonic, professional, romantic), etc from a young age, with age appropriate talks.

From our perspective, we figured if they were thinking about sex, they were ready for a conversation. We talked about the responsibilities that can be a result of engaging in adult acts, such as pregnancy or STIs. We have protection at home and take our kids to get tested/checked up. We encourage them to have talks with their partners to make sure they’re on the same page regarding sex, pregnancy, etc.

 

[eco]

@elephas We've had this same stance. She told us when she first had sex and said she wouldn't hide it or lie to us about it. Her brother is 13 and We've had the same open dialog....he doesn't have a girlfriend or anything but we've tried to be different parents from our own.

 

[elephas]

@eco In that case, may I ask what is your hesitance with letting him stay in her room? Is it that you’re uncomfortable bc you weren’t raised that way?
She seems very open and trustworthy. And it seems that you’re aware of their sex life.