My Ex (F) is trimming my 10F’s body hair, should I say something to her?

[essentiallyme]

Co-parenting for 2 years, 50/50 custody. My 10F is obviously hitting puberty and I’m trying to be open about hormone and period talk when she wants to talk about it. This visit she told me that her mom trims her privates. First time it came up I didn’t say anything as maybe it was a one off and she didn’t know what to do with her changing body (not my expertise). However it came up a second time and she told me it’s a regular thing, she used to do it with scissors and now does it with a battery operated trimmer. I find this inappropriate and it makes me uncomfortable. I understand showing her once, or explaining what to do. However the thought of anyone trimming a 10 yo’s pubes is off to me. And so is encouraging a 10 yo to trim to begin with. Should I say something? Polite but along the lines of not thinking that’s appropriate for her to be doing it for her? Or is it her mother and I’m over thinking it, should mind my own business as it’s a “girl thing”.

 

[katrina2017]

@essentiallyme As a woman who was once a little girl with a mother, I don’t personally think this is normal behavior. I’m not sure what my course of action would be here but I would definitely be doing something and saying something

 

[goodman528]

@essentiallyme In the one hand, as long as she isn’t being SA, it can come down to she gets to parent her way and you get to parent yours. That said, it sounds creepy af to me. Have you asked your daughter how she feels about it? If she feels fine, I don’t know if there’s anything to be done. If she feels uncomfortable with it, that’s a red flag.

 

[deandrade]

@essentiallyme It’s not a girl thing. If my girls asked, I would tell them how but at 10, she is old enough to handle this on her own. Her Mom doesn’t need to do it for her especially if your daughter is uncomfortable.

 

[richardmitly]

@essentiallyme No 10 year old girl needs to be have their pubes groomed by their mother on a regular basis. Sure, maybe help her with it once to show her how. After that it is a bodily autonomy choice on the part of the daughter, since she is old enough to both choose either way, and do the trimming herself.

This absolutely does sound creepy af, and I would absolutely be addressing it via email with her mother. There is body positivity, and then there's whatever this woman is doing... I'm glad it doesn't sound like your daughter is distressed over the situation, but it is still SO weird. The only theory that sounds even semi-innocent for this situation is that maybe your daughter hitting puberty and growing hair down there is distressing for your co-parent (the whole, "My baby is growing up, make it STAHP"), so her being shaved is an emotionally charged thing for the mother. Please tread carefully, no matter what reasoning your ex uses.

Just a pro-tip: Asking questions is better than throwing accusations.

 

[kitty123]

@essentiallyme Mom to a 15 yo F and 13 yo F. This is strange AF to me. Like…wow. Agree with you completely that she shouldn’t even be thinking about trimming unless it is personally bothersome to her in which case I could see her asking her mother who would explain/help once and then leave it to your daughter to decide.

When my girls hit puberty I offered to send supplies to their dads so they wouldn’t have to ask and made myself available. They don’t even want to use tampons yet and I don’t care. Whatever makes them comfortable.

My ex for awhile was really concerned with how often the girls shaved their legs. Like, he would insist they do it near daily and I told them to tell him it is their bodies and they will decide since this is not a safety or hygiene issue. He doesn’t bring it up anymore. I would tell you daughter that if she doesn’t want this from her mother she should tell her clearly and directly and be firm about it.

 

[mccristin]

@kitty123 Dad to a now 13yo girl. I was a single parent when she was 10yo and she started shaving her legs and pits. Had my assistance and guidance and we talked about other body hair and how some women do and some women don't and even different cultural preferences. My questions are "Do ten year olds even really think about shaving their pubic hair, and why would you do it?" Seems strange af to me.

 

[kitty123]

@mccristin Seems like this girl is only thinking of it bc the mom is suggesting it to her. I don’t think at this age it should even cross their mind, personally

 

[leras]

@essentiallyme Is she asking her mother for help?

 

[katrina2017]

@essentiallyme My daughter is 14 with super light body hair. She has no interest in shaving her legs or her armpits since the hair is so light and fine. I literally cannot imagine her wanting me to trim up her lady bits.

 

[luxdei]

@essentiallyme If she’s fine with it you should be too. Maybe ask her if she is ok with her mom doing that or ask if she is ready to do it on her own. But if she’s not complaining then don’t worry it’s not like her moms significant other is doing it. Weird sure but not harming her

 

[truthsearcher101]

@essentiallyme Let’s suspend reality for a moment. Take the hair and put it somewhere else on a kids body. Let’s then talk about terminal length vs unlimited growth. Some of us have hair that will stop growing and others will never stop. Yes it’s a thing. And let’s talk about what family gene patterns look like in terms of density of hair, growth patterns and texture. Some folks will never grow a beard. Some folks have hair that when it grows; it goes ingrown and causes other issues. Other people are damn near hairless. Some come from families with adrenal gland hyper or hypo activity that also controls it, causing hair growth as early as 5 or severely delayed beyond their teens.

If you had a son who started to grow a beard; at what point do you teach him how to shave? I think if his chin hair was manageable; I’m sure you would leave it. But what if it started getting stuck in his jacket zipper? Or he didn’t wash it properly and it was matted and sticky with debris from their meals? Or what if because it was consistently damp from eating/drinking it contributed to a skin infection? Or what if he pulled it constantly and irritated himself?

This same analogy works for armpit hair on a kid of any age. You might’ve started your facial hair journey at 12-16; what if you had a family history of it starting at 6? I probably wouldn’t hand my 6 year old a razor and let them figure it out. I’d have to weigh all the factors of growth/hygiene/health against what should be a balanced outcome until he’s old enough to do it himself (or manage the repercussions of no action).

So now it’s about autonomy and consent. As the hair comes out of your kid; (and assuming there is no health/mental/hygiene related issue that would cause you to override their opinion, the same way you make them take medicine that tastes nasty or maybe get a shot even tho it hurts)… does the kid want or understand why they might need it to be cut? Do they understand enough and agree?

If they agree; it’s about bodily autonomy. The way I wouldn’t govern a 16 year old boy on trimming his 7 chin hairs; I wouldn’t govern a young girls body if her hair pattern was within normal patterns. I’d give them age appropriate support.

It sounds like there may need to be an expectation convo with your coparent. What’s their rationale. What’s the plan for when bleeding arrives (with a 50/50 plan; it’s a toss up of who will get the honor). A discussion around supporting materials (so both houses have the same equipment).

It’s a lot of words: kids have different needs. Sometimes grooming includes hair length adjustment in sensitive places; you should talk it with your co parent to figure out why they do what they do and then decide if it’s healthy or if you need to intervene. Lots of reasons why it could be healthy; it’s good spidey sense on you to be worried about the unhealthy reasons.

 

[zanemalindeal]

@essentiallyme Say something that’s weird and at 10 shouldn’t have came up

 

[limobustruckfleet]

@essentiallyme The whole thing or maybe just the sides that might escape and be seen while wearing a bathing suit? I can see a child that young being embarrassed and mom trying to help quick before they go to the pool etc. Also hard to believe 10year olds are hitting puberty so hard these days that they need regular grooming.

 

[purple5]

@essentiallyme I have two adult daughters and as a female was a daughter. It would have made me extremely uncomfortable as a daughter if my mother did this. I'm very particular about bodily autonomy and was like that when I was young too. I raised my daughters that way as well. Once they hit puberty I never saw them unclothed for the most part. If they had issues They would ask for help, they would describe the issue, and I'd offer directions or decide if we needed to head to the doc.

I think others have mentioned this, it is really important to understand how your daughter feels about this first. Even if she is comfortable with it, it doesn't mean you're wrong but it does change the conversation with the mom a little bit.

 

[maninan]

@essentiallyme I didn’t even have pubes like an adult at 10?! The most I had was thin hair under my arms, on my legs, and a few above my genitals. I’m sure men experience the same. Far from the type of course hair an adult would need to groom. IMO your daughter is expressing this to you bc it os distressing for her in some way making it inappropriate even though its not really considered SA you still should find a way to put a stop to this. Encourage your 10 year old to refuse and follow up by having her back.

 

[torahman]

@essentiallyme It's not about you being uncomfortable with it. It is about whether or not your daughter is uncomfortable with it. You should not say anything until you at least find out this answer. If she is uncomfortable with it, then ask her if she feels like she can tell that to her mom. If the answer is no, then you bring it up with her mom. You say that your daughter has expressed that the situation happens and she is uncomfortable with it but didn't know how to express that to her. Tell her "I would like to have a conversation, all three of us, to discuss what is normal, what is healthy, and ultimately what our daughter wants so that I can learn important information about our daughter's development but also so our daughter can learn to express herself and her wants in a confident and healthy way. Let me know when you are available so we can coordinate a good time for both of us."

Is it weird? I think so. No 10yo has enough pubes to be of any concern. I would not encourage my daughters to shave down there until they were older and more developed unless there was a problem or a reason. And I wouldn't do it myself unless they asked for help.

Do kids need to be taught about their bodies? Absolutely. My kids (13f, 10f, 7m) and I have had detailed lengthy discussions about how they need to properly care for their bodies and the changes to expect as they get older. I've also talked to them about trends in body maintenance and what is healthy and what is not healthy. Too many people keep puberty discussions super hush hush and then leave their kids to fend for themselves in figuring out proper maintenance, hygiene, normal body functions. It creates a negative body experience instead of a positive body experience. And if you think this is uncomfortable, you need to realize the sex conversations need to be had soon too. As a young woman, I didn't get "the talk" about anything, sex, body maintenance, etc. And I certainly don't plan on leaving my kids in the dark about such important issues, leaving them to figure it out from either just as inexperienced friends, the internet, or people who may not have good intentions. It's not always comfortable, but it's important.

You are a good parent for being concerned and wanting to know more. Just be careful about how you approach the topic. Do some research about women and the maintenance we require. If you have some close female friends, ask if they would be willing to shed some light on it for you. Don't make it seem like you disapprove or freak out when you talk to her. Just ask your daughter about her level of comfortability the same as you would ask how her day was. And let her guide the tone of the conversation.

Welcome to the wonderful world of puberty. Lol

 

[stokinbusuk]

@essentiallyme I know this post is a little old BUT I read a few people saying along the likes of "NO 10yo should have enough pubes to shave....."

NOT TRUE!!!

I myself had a full bush at 10yo! My older sister taught me to trim because it WAS absolutely embarrassing to have hairs sticking out of the side of some panties. We had to change for gym class.

This was FOURTH grade.

It was bad enough being the only girl in my class wearing real bras having a C cup, struggling to anticipate when my period would show up because ofc it wasn't regular yet but It started when I was 9yo, and knowing not a single girl I knew my age had anything more than a couple little stray fuzzes down there.

Maybe the girl is embarrassed and wanted moms help.... Definitely a conversation that needs to be had & Definitely weird BUT maybe she's just learning still. Encourage er to ask mom if she can try on her own if it is something she wants to continue.