My daughter has been having a sex since 16 and she is 18 and 1/2 and will be a college freshman

[msbelle]

She is a smart and responsible child and got admitted to one of top universities in CA this year. She started her sex life since 16 and I didn’t say anything about it.

I think she and her boy friend make sex in her room or in her car or in his car in the neighborhood park near trails. I noticed his sperm on her bedsheets and condom and pills in the drawer. I asked her to clean her bed sheet and she said it was our dog’s saliva.

I am a single mom and she asked me if her boy friend can sleep over and I said I am not comfortable with that so I said no.

However, She brought her boy friend any way and slept and spent time in her room last night.

I am so shocked at how a teenager dare to bring her boy friend to her room to sleep together when I am there and when I said no.

Do I or can I tell her move out and have her life on her own?

Any advice?

 

[martlet]

@msbelle Since she is an adult, take a step back and evaluate why you feel it’s not allowed. Is it a moral thing? Is it a distrust thing (like he’ll harm someone or steal or something)?

The day my daughter turned 18, she moved out with some friends. They had already been planning it but she couldn’t legally sign a lease until she was 18.

But my son is 18 now and about to enter college (local university on a scholarship), and has been in his current relationship since homecoming of their sophomore year. Because I want him to focus on school, I offered to let him live at home so he could only work a part time job and not have to worry about living expenses. As generous as he knows that offer is, he still asked if his girlfriend could spend the night a few nights a week. As uncomfortable as I am about the thought of my son, possibly (probably) having sexual relations upstairs ... my husband and I felt that it was best to allow this concession if it helps him be able to continue his college education and graduate debt free. Obviously, we’ve always talked to our kids about the importance of safe sex... so I just hope that they don’t get pregnant. But, we all know kids/adults are going to find ways to do what they want. It’s not illegal, therefore I don’t feel it’s unreasonable to allow overnight stays. Our boundary, just to allow us to maintain our own comforts in our home, is no more than 2 consecutive nights. They’ve had no issue honoring that.

 

[msbelle]

@martlet Oh! thank you for your wise advise. I didn’t know what it was that I don’t feel ok with her boy friend to sleep over in her room while it is a secret to his parents.

I don’t want to be shown her that I encourage her to do so often at the same time I want to feel at home because this is my home.

If she is so entitled to do whatever she thinks they are ok regardless my opinion, I thought she would better be on her own to be responsible for herself without my support.

I feel a lot better with your advise and can take this less threatening.

 

[martlet]

@msbelle Good luck to you both! I know I was raised in a very “this is MY house and you will do what I say” type of environment. It was always a loving home, no complaints- but as I raised my kids, I thought about how my upbringing would have been different if my parents had allowed me some liberties.

YOU are the one who is entitled to run your home as you see fit. Unless she’s paying for half the expenses, it’s still YOUR house. But you can choose what you allow or not. That’s why I said to take a step back and reevaluate your stance. For me, it is worth it to allow this privilege for my son...even if i didn’t like it at first. My son’s girlfriend is a lovely girl and I love her like a daughter, so I have no issue with her personally. It’s not easy parenting adults! They are as stubborn as toddlers and teenagers... but the lasting consequences are REAL!

 

[deadordyingwanderer]

@msbelle I am with you. 18 or not, its your home and you get to say what goes on in that home. They may discuss, disagree, debate but once you’ve made your decision it should be respected. I don’t know how we got to a point where people are no longer respecting others but we as a society have so pushed past personal freedoms and moved to an era of “what I want trumps you, even if you own, bought, paid for, take care of it all on your own”. And teens now see that so the concept of boundaries seems.. lost.

I wrestle with how to admire their growing independence while explaining I have rights too.

 

[laurapalooza]

@msbelle You can ask your 18-year-old adult daughter to move out. You can set ground rules for living in your home. The question is, are you prepared for the repercussions?

Her moving out will mean she can, and probably will, have sex more frequently because there isn't a mother to hide from.

You will have less contact, and probably more distanced contact, with your daughter. You will have pushed yourself right into 'empty nest syndrome' and will be experiencing a whole new set of emotions related to your daughter having left. (That has to happen eventually, but do you want it to happen right now?)

The alternative approach is to accept that your child is now an adult and will want a sex life. If you don't shut her out, you can continue to influence, in a healthy manner, your daughter making good choices.

In this case, birth control is paramount. If she has access to condoms and pills (birth control pills, I hope), she's on the right track. The question is, is she fully educated about how to use these tools safely?

I know even if I set up a rule, she and her boy friend will do whatever pleases them somewhere else where I don’t see.

This is another important issue. Some parents choose to allow their teenage children who are already having sex to have sex in their bedrooms. While the parents may have mixed feelings about that, you're then in a position to influence use of birth control and to know that sex is occurring in a safe environment... not in a car and getting spotted by a cop, per your example.

used her room as a motel

You and I are coming from different places. My advice comes with two prefaces.

1. Your child/teenager is legally an adult at the age of consent, able to choose to have sex. In America, that's typically age 18, although a few states go as low as 16.
2. Her room is her living space. Likening her having sex in her own bedroom to using a motel suggests you do not have a healthy viewpoint on sex to begin with. Or maybe I have an unhealthy viewpoint about motels.