@sparrowfeet Another reason I don't think the 5th year is a bad idea is because we won a lottery and put her in school very early. She's actually been younger than everyone else this whole time and she's struggled forever. I'm thinking holding her back would help her mature and maybe she could finally and actually get along with kids her own age.
My daughter failed 9th grade and I do not know what to do about it
- Thread starter farmerdex
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thislittlelightofmine
New member
@farmerdex Maybe the school she is in isn’t a good fit for her socially. Check into other schooling options you have around you.
One alternative could be homeschooling. Homeschooling can be very flexible, for example, giving her a year to work on something(s) that is meaningful to her, let her mature and see what happens with her attitude, then when she is ready use the local community college for “high school” (look at reviews and ask for opinions from the local homeschool community: quality varies A LOT between schools, and always check professor reviews on RateMyProfessor.com when picking classes). My teen is completing “high school” by getting an associates degree at our local community college. Your daughter might blossom with some more autonomy over her studies and her social situation.
One alternative could be homeschooling. Homeschooling can be very flexible, for example, giving her a year to work on something(s) that is meaningful to her, let her mature and see what happens with her attitude, then when she is ready use the local community college for “high school” (look at reviews and ask for opinions from the local homeschool community: quality varies A LOT between schools, and always check professor reviews on RateMyProfessor.com when picking classes). My teen is completing “high school” by getting an associates degree at our local community college. Your daughter might blossom with some more autonomy over her studies and her social situation.
@thislittlelightofmine I know from personal experience her HS is extremely competitive, clicky, and essentially like the Breakfast Club because it's the same school I went to and I had many of the same issues.
Home schooling is not an option for me, but you might be onto something there with the community college thing.. she's super smart and taught herself Dutch and German on her own. She can literally do anything if she wants it.
Home schooling is not an option for me, but you might be onto something there with the community college thing.. she's super smart and taught herself Dutch and German on her own. She can literally do anything if she wants it.
thislittlelightofmine
New member
@farmerdex Homeschooling just means DIY schooling. It doesn’t mean you have to sit over her and watch her do things. I’ve known several working moms who have “homeschooled” their children. In fact, the community-college-as-highschool route is generally done as “homeschooling”.
waterpalnts
New member
@farmerdex This was me.
I told my parents for a few years that I am struggling with school and barely passed my classes. I ended up failing math and cheated to pass science and English.
I recommend a few things:
Tutoring
Alternative schooling
Summer school
Evaluate for learning disabilities
My son also had problems with focus and had issues in elementary school. So I found a charter school (K-12) that taught the best way he learned. He's an A/B student now that he's in a school that supports him.
I told my parents for a few years that I am struggling with school and barely passed my classes. I ended up failing math and cheated to pass science and English.
I recommend a few things:
Tutoring
Alternative schooling
Summer school
Evaluate for learning disabilities
My son also had problems with focus and had issues in elementary school. So I found a charter school (K-12) that taught the best way he learned. He's an A/B student now that he's in a school that supports him.
fulfillingmypromise
New member
@farmerdex Been there with my son. He liked staying home during COVID being an introvert with social anxiety. He graduated, but it was a constant fight, between missing school, and procrastinating. I got him a therapist and he wouldn’t talk
It is rough on teens right now, and being a teen was never easy! He is on medication for anxiety & depression. It has helped. He will be going to trade school in the fall. Hang in there.
It is rough on teens right now, and being a teen was never easy! He is on medication for anxiety & depression. It has helped. He will be going to trade school in the fall. Hang in there.@farmerdex I struggled very much in school like her. My parents got me a tutor which helped me alot. I stopped getting behind in classes. Which took away the anxiety and stress and made me a happier student.
sparrowfeet
New member
@farmerdex 5 years of high school sounds like a disaster for everyone. What does she think the solution is?
Are there local options where she might be more successful? Also, I’d ditch the attitude with the ‘I am only paying for this once,’ for summer school. You may have a kid that needs summer school every year; I am sure it is as miserable for her as it is for you. You could always have her work and help pay for it.
Are there local options where she might be more successful? Also, I’d ditch the attitude with the ‘I am only paying for this once,’ for summer school. You may have a kid that needs summer school every year; I am sure it is as miserable for her as it is for you. You could always have her work and help pay for it.
@sparrowfeet She thinks she can do it, but she always comes up with these schemes to get by. Her action plans are always based on blaming her failures on external circumstances. Never once has she said, "I messed up, I'm going to do better for the sake of being better." It's always been someone else's fault, or the teacher, other students, etc.
I ask her what is the guarantee that you won't waste this opportunity. She's told me I have no leverage and that I just have to trust her. The leverage is the 5th year. The leverage is you get one....if you choose to not care next year you don't get another shot at walking in 2025.
What other options do I have?
I ask her what is the guarantee that you won't waste this opportunity. She's told me I have no leverage and that I just have to trust her. The leverage is the 5th year. The leverage is you get one....if you choose to not care next year you don't get another shot at walking in 2025.
What other options do I have?
sparrowfeet
New member
@farmerdex It is really hard to see our kids in their big bodies with their big kid brains operating at a big kid level. Have you read much about teens? It helps me to realize that most of the super frustrating teen behavior is pretty normal —
Poor planning/judgement, narcissism, lack of gratitude, black/white thinking, etc. They look so big, and yet they still need calm, patient guidance. I was great at this when my teen was 2-13. After that, turns out not so much!!
And they need to make some of their own mistakes. I struggle on the daily to be that calm, slightly detached parent, and my teen will be flying the nest here in Aug. I’d recommend getting some support for yourself — raising teens is no joke, especially if you are doing it solo. You sound really mad, and I get it — teens can be SO infuriating. But getting some regular perspective to help maintain your relationship and keep you sane is important. I wish I’d gone to therapy sooner to help keep ME happy.
Poor planning/judgement, narcissism, lack of gratitude, black/white thinking, etc. They look so big, and yet they still need calm, patient guidance. I was great at this when my teen was 2-13. After that, turns out not so much!!
And they need to make some of their own mistakes. I struggle on the daily to be that calm, slightly detached parent, and my teen will be flying the nest here in Aug. I’d recommend getting some support for yourself — raising teens is no joke, especially if you are doing it solo. You sound really mad, and I get it — teens can be SO infuriating. But getting some regular perspective to help maintain your relationship and keep you sane is important. I wish I’d gone to therapy sooner to help keep ME happy.
@sparrowfeet I feel like I've been sucked in by the tit-for-tat nonsense between us, that's why I'm trying to find some outside perspective. There's gotta be something I'm not seeing.
sparrowfeet
New member
@farmerdex It is incredibly emotionally challenging, even if you have a reasonably ‘good’ kid. Easy to get sucked in. It helps me some times to think of them as a toddler — and sometimes their thinking isn’t so far off that. There is so much pressure on them, and they are navigating a lot. I have to constantly remind myself that my son is only about 3/4 done maturing cognitively. (They say 25!) so, at 15 your daughter is behind even that. Just because they’re so much bigger/older than what they were, doesn’t mean they’re grown up. Also it would help if they were cuter and more agreeable, ha ha
laurapalooza
New member
@farmerdex I would do summer school and track her progress closely. Do not trust what she says is happening. Hopefully your school now uses Google Classroom thanks to the pandemic and you can see assignments and whether they've been completed.
I would do the same with schooling in the next year. Hound her to completion, and assist her understanding where necessary.
Homework comes first when arriving home. No fun stuff until it's completed and reviewed by you. Start talking to her teachers and get those communication channels flowing.
I would do the same with schooling in the next year. Hound her to completion, and assist her understanding where necessary.
Homework comes first when arriving home. No fun stuff until it's completed and reviewed by you. Start talking to her teachers and get those communication channels flowing.
@laurapalooza Google classroom was great until she kept switching classes and the old classes weren't being removed. Soon there was a CVS receipts worth of missing assignments and I couldn't tell what was what. She just kept telling me everything that needed to be was done.
katrina2017
New member
@farmerdex Get her tested for inattentive ADHD. My girl just got tested in grade 12 and it was severe. All the frustration of the past 5 years explained.
@katrina2017 Agreed. I have inattentive ADD and I struggled in many of the similar ways that OP is describing. I got diagnosed in my 30s. The doctor was amazed that I have accomplished the things I have; for me it just explained why nothing I did was ever good enough and why it was so easy to stop caring.
@farmerdex Psycho-educational assessment.
Kids usually do well, when they can. Determining the underlying issue, helps to find solutions. Kids want to please. You say she is stubborn. Determine why. Is it a defense mechanism, from not feeling adequate?
You say she has always struggled in school? Why? Inattentive? Reading disability?
Ask her why she is struggling? She may have more insight than you realize.
Kids usually do well, when they can. Determining the underlying issue, helps to find solutions. Kids want to please. You say she is stubborn. Determine why. Is it a defense mechanism, from not feeling adequate?
You say she has always struggled in school? Why? Inattentive? Reading disability?
Ask her why she is struggling? She may have more insight than you realize.
@pastorben The stubbornness has been since birth. When she was only a few months old she would fight me getting dressed in the morning. One day she fought me so much I actually had to call my wife back from work to help me get her to daycare. Imagine fighting a 16 month old and losing.
Potty training, she wouldn't poop on the toilet for the longest time. She just wouldn't, she would pee, but she would not poop. I thought I'd be wiping her ass at 16.
Food, she is the pickiest eater you will ever meet, and this stubbornness is reflected in every facet of her life. Basically if she doesn't want to do it, there is nothing on this planet that will get her to do it.
I personally believe she struggles in school because we put her in too early. This is partly why I believe holding her back might be a good thing, because it will put her where she should have been all along.
She tells me why she struggles, it's the teachers, it's the students, it's the school, it's the town, it's this, it's that, it's anything and everything other than that which would make her accountable for her actions.
Potty training, she wouldn't poop on the toilet for the longest time. She just wouldn't, she would pee, but she would not poop. I thought I'd be wiping her ass at 16.
Food, she is the pickiest eater you will ever meet, and this stubbornness is reflected in every facet of her life. Basically if she doesn't want to do it, there is nothing on this planet that will get her to do it.
I personally believe she struggles in school because we put her in too early. This is partly why I believe holding her back might be a good thing, because it will put her where she should have been all along.
She tells me why she struggles, it's the teachers, it's the students, it's the school, it's the town, it's this, it's that, it's anything and everything other than that which would make her accountable for her actions.
@farmerdex I have a child that sounds similar - picky eater, doing things on their terms and timelines. But it’s still could be a skill deficit. Some of the issues you mention above, could also be sensory issues.
Things like problem solving, time management, organization, flexibility, regulating emotions are all skills. And some kids need more practice, coaching, modelling to become better at.
How do you handle her stubbornness? Does she get her way? Does she have consequences for not completing school work? Does she need more structure?
Things like problem solving, time management, organization, flexibility, regulating emotions are all skills. And some kids need more practice, coaching, modelling to become better at.
How do you handle her stubbornness? Does she get her way? Does she have consequences for not completing school work? Does she need more structure?