birdoftexas93
New member
Me and my cousin grew up being best friends, I would often share all my secrets and feelings with her because I grew up in a unstable household where my mother would often leave my dads house and go to her sisters house i.e my cousins house. So a lot of my childhood was spent at her house bacause of my parents unstable and toxic relationship. I guess, in my childhood naivety since I had no emotional support, I was glad to find a best friend but in my later years when i went on a healing journey, I realised as much as I considered her a best friend , she actually didnt consider me hers. I realised I would share my feelings and secrets but she would never do the same. And as much as I remember she often didnt like us being there. My mother often felt like she was always moody when we were around but since I wanted stability and was a child, I would never notice these things much.
We had a dream school that we really wanted to get into and I got in and she didnt. All hell broke loose after that. She changed for me. She would always have a condecending tone talking to me. She would never appreciate anything about me and often would bitch about me in front of others. She became very toxic. I just couldnt understand what was happening because i wasnt on my healing journey yet and would feel painfull sad about her and her famlies behaviour towards me and also my family.
One thing I realised was eventhough she never appriciated me in front of me but she seemed to be taken note of everything that I was doing and saying and thinking and would find her often projecting it as her own thoughts and ideas in front of others. I never understood why she would that. It never occured to me that she was maybe jealous of me untill I healed and accepted that she infact was and that she was never good to me from the begining. Wasted so many years trying to fix the relationship and seek her validation for everything that I was doing or thinking.
Then comes a boy who I fall madly in love with and he breaks my heart and moves to another country. After he left I found out that i was pregnent for 8 weeks. It was a bittersweet moment because I have always wanted to be a mom but this was such a bad time because I was emotionally devastated with the breakup and I had no financial security because I was just starting to work. Plus the fact that I live in conservative country where having a baby before getting married is a taboo. I healed my tummy acknowledging my baby and cried and cried seeking forgiveness for what I was about to do. I knew I would have had the baby if I didnt live in this country and society. So I went for termination which is legal in my country. I couldnt sleep or think properly and I talked to the baby seeking forgiveness and promising that if god willed we will meet again.
After a few months after the incident. I was a wreak and I was in a full clinical depression. I had told noone about what had happened and my cousin was visting my city and I broke down in fornt of her because of the emotional dependence I had with her. She seemed sorry for me at that time but later I would find out that she actually enjoyed my misery. She went around telling all her family about it later.
Being clinically depressed I was think about the baby all the time, of all the possibilities of what it could have been and basically dying of guilt. Thats when the i stumbled on a name that I felt like would have been my baby. Its like now the baby had a identity and was alive for me in my heart. I knew when I would get married and have a baby with societies concent I would name him/ her that. I found hope with this name.
I meet my cousin again and since i was in a habit of sharing everything, I told her about the name, she liked the name and I asked her what would be her name if she had to name her baby, she said a name which she said had been suggested by her mom. I loved her name too. We promised that our kids would be best friends just like me.
5 years on and I was still battling depression and was on a healing joruney for which my career had suffered. My parents were understanding enough to support me. I became more more aloof and introvert. She had moved back home and with her families support started her business and everything was going great for her and she made sure to gloat about everything in my face. We grew apart because in my healing journey I realised she was the ultimate toxic person in my life from the start and I was blindely emotionally dependent on her because of my childhood.
She got married a year ago. I had to attend the wedding due to family pressure. But despite everything I was happy for her and wisher her well but never again would I let her in my life and headspace again. She had a baby few days ago and again I was eleated for her untill her husband posts the baby name and I was it was the baby name that I had choosen for my future baby.
I am gutt wrentched, i feel pukish, i feel angrey. And this time I cant take it as it is and hence I feel like I should confront her. My mother and sister wants me to be the bigger person and let it go but I cant. What do I do?
We had a dream school that we really wanted to get into and I got in and she didnt. All hell broke loose after that. She changed for me. She would always have a condecending tone talking to me. She would never appreciate anything about me and often would bitch about me in front of others. She became very toxic. I just couldnt understand what was happening because i wasnt on my healing journey yet and would feel painfull sad about her and her famlies behaviour towards me and also my family.
One thing I realised was eventhough she never appriciated me in front of me but she seemed to be taken note of everything that I was doing and saying and thinking and would find her often projecting it as her own thoughts and ideas in front of others. I never understood why she would that. It never occured to me that she was maybe jealous of me untill I healed and accepted that she infact was and that she was never good to me from the begining. Wasted so many years trying to fix the relationship and seek her validation for everything that I was doing or thinking.
Then comes a boy who I fall madly in love with and he breaks my heart and moves to another country. After he left I found out that i was pregnent for 8 weeks. It was a bittersweet moment because I have always wanted to be a mom but this was such a bad time because I was emotionally devastated with the breakup and I had no financial security because I was just starting to work. Plus the fact that I live in conservative country where having a baby before getting married is a taboo. I healed my tummy acknowledging my baby and cried and cried seeking forgiveness for what I was about to do. I knew I would have had the baby if I didnt live in this country and society. So I went for termination which is legal in my country. I couldnt sleep or think properly and I talked to the baby seeking forgiveness and promising that if god willed we will meet again.
After a few months after the incident. I was a wreak and I was in a full clinical depression. I had told noone about what had happened and my cousin was visting my city and I broke down in fornt of her because of the emotional dependence I had with her. She seemed sorry for me at that time but later I would find out that she actually enjoyed my misery. She went around telling all her family about it later.
Being clinically depressed I was think about the baby all the time, of all the possibilities of what it could have been and basically dying of guilt. Thats when the i stumbled on a name that I felt like would have been my baby. Its like now the baby had a identity and was alive for me in my heart. I knew when I would get married and have a baby with societies concent I would name him/ her that. I found hope with this name.
I meet my cousin again and since i was in a habit of sharing everything, I told her about the name, she liked the name and I asked her what would be her name if she had to name her baby, she said a name which she said had been suggested by her mom. I loved her name too. We promised that our kids would be best friends just like me.
5 years on and I was still battling depression and was on a healing joruney for which my career had suffered. My parents were understanding enough to support me. I became more more aloof and introvert. She had moved back home and with her families support started her business and everything was going great for her and she made sure to gloat about everything in my face. We grew apart because in my healing journey I realised she was the ultimate toxic person in my life from the start and I was blindely emotionally dependent on her because of my childhood.
She got married a year ago. I had to attend the wedding due to family pressure. But despite everything I was happy for her and wisher her well but never again would I let her in my life and headspace again. She had a baby few days ago and again I was eleated for her untill her husband posts the baby name and I was it was the baby name that I had choosen for my future baby.
I am gutt wrentched, i feel pukish, i feel angrey. And this time I cant take it as it is and hence I feel like I should confront her. My mother and sister wants me to be the bigger person and let it go but I cant. What do I do?
