My 8 y/o daughter came out as bi but she doesn’t understand what the means and I need advice

[raptureman2020]

Before I go on, I support LGBTQ+ 100% and I support my daughter 1000% if she is. But she’s only 8.

That being said— yesterday, on my daughters first day of school, she came home upset saying that her crushed rejected her and the kids said she was going to hell because she can’t date another girl. eye roll that school is loaded with conservative Christian’s. We are not religious.

She has a aunt who is 3 1/2 years older who has also came out as bi recently. Again, no big deal. However, my daughter is very close and looks up to her aunt and copies everything she does. And up until that point, she has never expressed any type of attraction to females, only other boys in school. (I.e. cute)

Until yesterday when she told me about what happened and claimed to be lesbian.

So I sat her down and asked her if she knows what sexuality or sex is. She said no. I went on to explain that she shouldn’t make rash decisions like that until she understands what both of those are and that she’s a tad bit too young to know just yet. She’s still growing and learning. I explained to her that when she does finally understand both those things and she’s STILL attracted to girls, then great! Her mom and I support her.

I went on to explain that she shouldn’t say anything about those things to the other kids because while SHE doesn’t understand fully, those kids who’s raised in church DEFINITELY won’t see it that way and will use it against her.

Side note: I want to teach her the value of critical thinking and to take everything with a grain of salt. Not necessarily to be an atheist like her mom and I, but just to think for herself and to be content.

Is there a more delicate way to explain my concerns to her? Am I wrong here? What would you say to your 8 y/o potentially bi/gay child?

 

[markmisso]

@raptureman2020 When my daughter was six, she said to me, "Mom, I think I'm gay."

She's got ADHD symptoms and I was desperately trying to get her to brush her teeth at the time, so I said, "That's nice," and kept trying to redirect her attention to putting toothpaste on her toothbrush. A few moments later she said something like, "Will people hate me because I'm gay?" I stopped and looked at her and said, "NO! If they do, they are not good people." That was the last of the discussion we had about it that night.

I do not know if that was an honest declaration of her sexuality or if she was just distracted and using it to delay brushing her teeth. Honestly, I don't really care.

We've discussed before that some girls like other girls and some boys like other boys. I make sure if we ever talk about her future spouse that we either use gender neutral terms or say "husband or wife". (I've even stressed to her that she doesn't have to get married if she doesn't want to.) I try not to assume she's straight. I've stated before that I hoped she'd never have to "come out" to me or her father. "Coming out" indicates that she was hiding. I hope she doesn't feel the need to hide who she is from us, her family. And I couldn't care less if she's gay, bi, pan, whatever. I would be happy to discover her sexuality only when she brings a date home. All I care is that the person treats her well, not what they have between their legs.

She's going to be eight in a month, and I'm not positive she is actually gay. Shortly after that bathroom declaration, she played "house" with some toys and her dad and set up a traditional husband and wife situation, even though there was no pressure to do so. (Hubby would've been happy to play a female toy. He's done it before.) Don't tell her I saw it, because I think it was supposed to be private, but I accidentally saw a "love letter" type of doodle she made declaring her love for a male cartoon character in a movie she loves.

I realized after that that I never explained that people could be bisexual, so during a car ride Hubby and I brought up the point that some people can fall in love with both boys and girls, and we call that "bi". We pointed out that one of her aunts (who are married to each other) is bi. She had a sort of "Oh!" moment, but didn't follow it up with anything. So I suspect she's either straight or bi, but again, I don't really care, as long as she's happy.

We live in a more liberal area that's LGBT+ friendly, so I don't think she would face any real stigma from her classmates if she did want to ask another girl out. But if that happens I'm prepared to talk to her about how some people think being LGBT+ is wrong, even though it's not (we've actually already had this discussion, but I'll have it again), and that she's free to be open about her feelings or hide them as she feels comfortable. I hope she never feels the need to hide, but if she feels she needs to in order to protect herself, I'll support her. It's her life, after all.

I probably would've treated your daughter's labeling herself "bi" in a similar way. She can use whatever labels she wants. She can change it if she wants, because ultimately it's just a label to help others understand who we are, and if we realize that label doesn't quite match then we can just change it. A lot of the time no label fits quite right.

I definitely wouldn't have scared her into thinking that label was a bad decision.

 

[spiningcompass]

@markmisso

I realized after that that I never explained that people could be bisexual, so during a car ride Hubby and I brought up the point that some people can fall in love with both boys and girls, and we call that "bi". We pointed out that one of her aunts (who are married to each other) is bi. She had a sort of "Oh!" moment, but didn't follow it up with anything. So I suspect she's either straight or bi, but again, I don't really care, as long as she's happy.

That was so lovely to read - that would've meant the world to me as a kid, finding out about bisexuality in a safe, comforting, non-stereotypical and judge-y setting!

 

[ksc123]

@markmisso This OP! This is exactly what I was going to say. This is perfect!

 

[raptureman2020]

@markmisso I appreciate that story. However. Using these labels may be harmless and a good source of expression… the area we live in is super homophobic. I’m afraid of her being treated poorly

 

[markmisso]

@raptureman2020 It's okay to explain to her the reality that some people will think of those labels as bad things. But it's not the fault of the label. It's the fault of the people who think those labels are bad.

My advice is to make sure she knows that whoever she loves - whether they be man or woman (or even someone who doesn't fit those labels!) - does not change how much you love her. Really stress that. You may be afraid of how she will be treated, but you do not want her to have to pretend to be anyone except who she is in your presence.

Let her know that you will be happy to talk to her about having crushes on girls (or whoever!) and will not judge her for it. You will not judge her for her feelings or for whatever label she decides to use for herself. You will not judge her for wanting to use a different label around people who may not be as open-minded as yourself. And you will make no decision for her about what label to use or who to love, because that is entirely her decision. You can offer advice, but advice only.

I'm afraid you may have already scared her away from using the label "bi". If she really is attracted to both men and women, you may have given her the idea that this is somehow wrong or something "adult". Kids her age understand having crushes or being boyfriend/girlfriend. They don't understand the full extent of it, but they're getting there. They have feelings. Even straight kids her age may start to get "weird feelings" around the opposite sex. Maybe she's getting them around both genders. Maybe she's just aping her aunt. We have no way of knowing.

But make sure above else that you validate her feelings and that you support her, whoever she turns out to be in her heart.

 

[trumpi123]

@raptureman2020 Then teach her how to navigate homophobia - not to hide herself. Homophobia only gets worse as you get older, learning those skills young is important.

Her experience and expression is not the issue. The labels she uses are not the issue. Her age is not the issue. Homophobia, the environment she is in, and the homophobes themselves are the issue. You are functionally displacing blame, as you feel that she is within your control whereas her peers are not. There are better ways to keep her safe than teaching her to fear, hide and conform.

 

[bakedbizkit]

@raptureman2020 I think the best thing you can do is to teach her not to care about what other people think. She may not understand what lesbian/bi means but it's really common for children to use these terms and explore them before they've even reached puberty. It's just play at the moment, and harmless.

The best lesson, IMO, is to teach her that everyone has different opinions. Some people do not believe that same sex relationships should be allowed; many people do - but it's what she thinks that counts. She needs to know that she will meet many people in her life that will try to bring her down, but it's what we think about ourselves that matter and she should know that she is wonderful.

 

[paullee777]

@raptureman2020 I definitely knew I liked people regardless of gender when I was 8 even if i didnt know the term. Tbh for a while i didnt know i could have crushes on the same sex because straightness was all i saw.

Your child may have crushes on many classmates and thats just as normal as not having any interest. Read some literature or find some age appropriate literature about development, sexuality, anatomy, etc to educate yourself and allow her to inform herself as she grows up.

You can also look up sex family therapists who help parents traverse child education around healthy sexuality.

I think it's important to let people like who they like. But having crushes and liking others is not a huge part of a child's life and they don't have to have all the answers. Just let them know it's okay to have crushes and that you'll love them regardless of who they have crushes on or who they eventually date. Sometimes it's about mimicry and that's okay.

People still discover their preferences in relationships into adulthood, so there's no rush. No need to force a label or to shame if they want one. I do think it's wise that you educate her about bigotry in religious communities especially if her peers are religious. She deserves to feel save and set healthy boundaries while growing up.

 

[radikal]

@raptureman2020 My son came out when he was 9. He went through several iterations - bi, pan, maybe non binary, and settled on gay cis boy but open to bi. He’s 14 now.

I live in an extremely liberal area so I didn’t have the concerns about bullies like you do so take this with a grain of salt. But in my 5 years doing this, I’ve come to understand that letting them be or claim to be what they want is the best policy. You won’t agree or understand all the time but ultimately it doesn’t matter that she says it out loud or why. Our job is to answer questions they have if they have any and support and love them without questioning, doubting or limiting them. It’s totally ok if she wants to be bi yesterday, gay today, and swooning over Spider-Man at movie night. You telling her that it’s ok is all that actually matters. There’s nothing you can say or do that’s going to change her questioning or where she settles. How you react to it changes how she feels about herself because your words will be her own voice in her head.

I want to hone in on one thing you told her that I want you to reconsider. When I was 5 years old, I had the biggest most massive crush on a boy named Nick. Nick was the love of my 60 months of life. I wanted to marry him and hold his hand. If at 5, we can have strong crushes on one person over another, we can have a sense of whether we like boys or girls. There isn’t a minimum age, maturity, or understanding necessary to start learning about your preferences and orientation. And it’s not about a desire to have sex. It’s just attraction.

 

[melicars]

@radikal Sexuality is fluid and people just go just for labels. I’m glad you just went with the flow. It’s a journey not a destination isn’t it!

 

[radikal]

@melicars For sure! The proverbial closet is a fictitious place where society expects you to choose one label and emerge to announce and defend your choice. You only get one chance though and if you change your mind ever you’re labeled a phony or attention seeker. These rigid unwritten rules benefit literally no one!

 

[ernestservant]

@raptureman2020 Kids that age can definitely have crushes and minor obsessions with each other. You don’t have to understand sexual or sexuality to realize you have a crush on a girl or think girls are really pretty. But aside from that part of the conversation I think you did good. Definitely emphasize that it’s ok for girls to love girls and boys to love boys. If she’s confused about the bigotry, maybe you could explain that some people have been told a lie that it’s not good for certain people to love each other, but they’re wrong, and love is love - it’s a good thing.

 

[heatherwight]

@raptureman2020 My kid is 8 and just asked to use they/them pronouns. They do know what it means and explained it well. I will do everything in my power to protect them and make sure their rights are protected. We also live in a rural conservative area. I don’t give a single eff what someone else wants to think abt this.

It doesn’t seem productive as parents to tell our kids to be quiet abt who they are b/c other people might not like it. Help her to live her life with confidence

 

[katrina2017]

@raptureman2020 My daughter told me she is gay when she was 12, and the two things that I thought were important for her to know was that her family would love and support her no matter what and that if at some point later on her thoughts about what label best applied to her changed, we would love and support her just as much. Then I asked her if she needed any support right now (like finding a kid-focused LGBT group to attend).

Incidentally, my daughter is now almost 17 and still a lesbian.

 

[spiningcompass]

@raptureman2020 As a bi woman - I look back sometimes and realise how some of the thoughts and feelings I had as a kid were clearly me being bi but not knowing the term/sexuality yet. All I knew was being straight, because that's all I had ever seen and been introduced to.

She may very well be bi, she might not be, but it's important to remember that nothing is set in stone and she doesn't have to stand by her idea of her identity when she was 8 forever. We all change constantly, we all try to figure ourselves out a lot. Let her be and support her, and support her if she ever figures out that she's actually gay or straight or ace or aro or any other sexual identity instead.

So I sat her down and asked her if she knows what sexuality or sex is. She said no. I went on to explain that she shouldn’t make rash decisions like that until she understands what both of those are and that she’s a tad bit too young to know just yet. She’s still growing and learning. I explained to her that when she does finally understand both those things and she’s STILL attracted to girls, then great! Her mom and I support her.

I get what you meant with this, but it's not helpful. You don't have to know what fucking is to know you think someone is interesting or cute or exciting - which is how KIDS have crushes. They're age appropriate.

And up until that point, she has never expressed any type of attraction to females, only other boys in school. (I.e. cute)

Notice how you called girls "females" and boys "boys". Don't dehumanise girls and women like that, at least be consistent. I also never expressed crushes on girls, because i didn't KNOW that could be a thing. And we're constantly told how friendships between girls are much closer and intimate than boys' friendships, so I thought my infatuation and interest in other girls was just that - gals being pals complimenting each others looks and interests and work etc.

What would you say to your 8 y/o potentially bi/gay child?

"Okay honey!" And then read up on what it is, find age appropriate literature about it (there's children's books about being queer), read them together and discuss how she's feeling.

 

[trumpi123]

@raptureman2020 So she is old enough to think she is straight (or for you to assume she is straight (eg: calling boys cute)) but not old enough to be lesbian or bisexual.....

Whether or not she is queer - your own bias is clear in how you chose to address this with her. You have given the message that other people think that being queer is bad and so people shouldn't be queer unless they are 100% sure and ready to fight/stand up to others. That queers should not be proud and should hide themselves from those who do not understand (and no opinion seems to have been shared with her regarding that perspective [eg: thoughts on homophobes/homophobia]). This is a problematic framing and discourages exploration, and her sharing struggles and experiences [with you] as she grows and figures it out. It is okay to not know, it is okay to question and its okay to try on labels and identities - thats part of figuring it out.

In this you are not actually telling her to think for herself, but to hide herself and to conform to avoid conflict.

 

[2tim_215]

@raptureman2020 It doesn't matter what she's labelled herself as or whether you think she understands the implications of it. The fact is that she had a crush on a girl. She doesn't have to "know what sex and sexuality is" to know that she's likes girls.

 

[ai208234]

@2tim_215 Exactly. By OP's logic it would be inappropriate for her to think she was straight because she had a crush on a boy, and to wait until she's old enough to get sex ed in order for her to be able to label herself based on who she likes. And until that time, OP doesn't support her. The issue of sex is a red herring. It's valuable for her to know (in an age-appropriate way) that other people especially those in her school can use labels and crushes to stigmatize her, but you can educate a child on potential fallout and still support them.

 

[possy]

@raptureman2020 Hahaha yeah my 8 year old daughter has a friend and it was so funny - like a month ago I was talking to her and she told me that her bff has a crush on her and then she said because her friend is a “lezban” Hahah I just was like , “oh yeah? Cool.”
Totally blew it off.
They have no idea what it means or what it is, and just want boyfriends - kid romance and kid drama. It’s just girls are like that.
But I didn’t want to say anything - I want to kinda not paint any pictures or give any ideas…. Because it is ok if any of them grow up to be gay.
But I don’t take it seriously at all. They’re just kids. And experimenting and exploration is normal.
I did explain to her what it meant to be gay. Later.