My 5yo won’t stay in his bed and I’m losing my mind

[liz555]

Mostly venting. I have 3 kids, 5yo twins and a 3 month old. One of my twins is a fantastic sleeper, always has been. The other one has never really slept through the night, and even if he does he’s up before the sun. We have a hatch in their room that lights up at 6:30am, and before baby was born he’d generally stay in his room until then and play. Sometimes he’d wake his brother up (either on accident or on purpose, idk) but the point is he’d stay in there. Now he’s in our bed at some point before 6am every morning. Sometimes it’s 1am, sometimes it’s 3am, sometimes it’s 5.

The baby has been doing great sleeping for long stretches and only waking once or twice needing to be soothed for a sec before going back to sleep, so it is so beyond frustrating that my older child is the one keeping me up at night. I have tried telling him that if he stays in his bed until his hatch lights up everyday for a week he’ll get a special treat, but that honestly makes things worse. Then he’ll just come in our bed saying X, Y, Z is wrong with him and crying saying “can I still get my treat??”

I am just so tired. Idk what to do about it and I think I might just have to wait until he grows out of it. But it sucks. I broke down crying the other night because I feel like I haven’t slept well in months. I’ve been trying to give him grace because I know it must be hard adjusting to the new baby and he wants attention, but I need sleep.

 

[marsoco]

@liz555 I am sorry you’re having a rough time.

What approaches have you tried?

We have a clock with the red, yellow, green light system and my 5yo knows he can always stand up to pee, but red means he has to be in bed. Yellow means he can stand up and play in the room. Green means he can come out.

But it’s not optional. These are rules.

Do you send him back to your room or let him stay with you once he woke you up?

Because in my experience you’ll have to really be strict. “No, its still sleeping time. Go back to bed. “ and put him back. And do it so often that he knows it wont work. It’ll be tough in the beginning, but 5 is absolutely old enough to learn to at least stay in his room.

They are pushing boundaries and it will help him to learn that he’ll not get his way by coming to you and waking you up non stop.

 

[daddylopez1963]

@marsoco I’ve also heard (the Big Little Feelings method) advice to keep it super boring. Don’t engage with arguing or begging or whatever, don’t raise your voice or get riled up. Just walk them back to their room 6 billion times if necessary.

 

[marsoco]

@daddylopez1963 Yep, that’s exactly what I mean with being strict. No negotiation. No anything. Just: back to bed. Bye.

 

[alvaror]

@liz555 I was having the same issue with both of my 4 year old twins. I ended up putting a fold out matress in our room. They now know it's the little matress or back to their bedroom because mummy cant sleep with them in the bed. It has worked a treat and we are all sleeping well now. Some nights they do ask for a quick hug before they go on the matress which is fine with me. It did take a couple nights for them to get the hang of coming in and going straight to the matress so we did some 'practice' during the day.
Not really my ideal, but for now it works!

 

[rockdrik]

@alvaror I was going to suggest this. We have a mattress under our bed and my younger child used it from time to time over the years. It did not become a problem of her being there all the time. It gave everyone what they needed.

 

[liz555]

@alvaror Love this, thank you so much I know my LO just misses me and wants to be near me more right now, it’s just really hard sleeping with him right up on me haha. I think he would be accepting of a quick cuddle and then to the little mattress he goes.

 

[eleses]

@liz555 Our near 5 year old started coming into our bed when her baby sister was 6 weeks old and keeping everyone awake. This went on for weeks until we got out a sleeping bag at our bedside and that's how it's worked for months. Not ideal, but we have gotten to a point of receptivity towards the 'all night in your own bed' sticker chart and getting progressively more full nights. There is hope!

 

[longdistancegramma]

@alvaror Agreed! Make a very unappealing, simple pallet on the floor of your room for him to sleep on if he gets out of bed during the night. It’ll either encourage him to stay in his comfy bed or at least allow you to get some rest (hopefully)!

 

[pheadablessed]

@liz555 Is it that he keeps you awake by being next to you in bed, or are you awake because he comes to your bed and wakes you up?

Can you potentially see this as a season where he needs you more and you allow him to come into bed with you for a while until he's more settled? If that's not palatable, how about setting up a mattress at the end of your bed, or beside it, that he can sleep on so that he's closer to you?

 

[liz555]

@pheadablessed He comes in our bed to wake me up and tell me what’s going on with him (he’s too hot/cold in his bed, he had a bad dream, etc). Then he wants to cuddle which I’m fine with, but he sleeps reeaallyy close to me in bed so it’s hard for me to sleep well when he stays there.

We used to be stricter about getting him back to bed pre-baby, but in the early newborn days I was too tired to fight with him and started letting him stay, and now he is used to it & it’s even more difficult to get him back to bed. Plus I don’t want to wake the baby who sleeps in SNOO by my bedside.

I really like the mattress idea. I honestly feel bad forcing him to go back to bed when I know he just needs me more right now. It’s just hard being up so often in the night. I want to make something work without making him feel like I’m not hearing him or supporting him. I think he just wants to be close to me right now. Sweet guy.

 

[farrishgtrchard]

@liz555 Ugh this is so frustrating! It’s a big transition for everyone having a new baby and I’m assuming he is in school full time? Big changes all around and if he’s never been a good sleeper that can exacerbate the problem. Can you take him back to his room every time he comes in? Is he asking for something when he comes in or just wants to be with you? Can you carve out twenty minutes before bed every night just for you two? Go to the library and pick out a special chapter book to read a few pages of every night or do bath time with just him? Super hard to do with two other kiddos I know but it could be an option.

Sorry if you’re not needing/wanting advice, just some tips that might be helpful!

 

[liz555]

@farrishgtrchard He’ll be in K in the fall, but yes has been in M-F preschool! We used to take him back to his room but started letting him stay once baby was born because we were exhausted, and now we dug ourselves a deeper hole. I believe he just wants to be with me, which is why I haven’t been too strict about making him go back to bed lately. I’ve mostly been talking to him as I put him down “mom needs sleep, can you please stay in your bed until it gets light outside” (I’ve given up on him waiting for the hatch to light up at this point). I like the idea of spending one on one time with just him. Usually our one on one time just means sans baby, so his twin brother is there too. I will try something like that thanks!

 

[farrishgtrchard]

@liz555 You’re welcome! Additionally you could get a small air mattress for your room that he knows he can just come into and not wake you up.

 

[satanscumfuck666]

@liz555 At that age my son needed the extra cuddles. He'd get in bed with me, I would doze and then wake up again a bit later because I cannot sleep well with a kid in the bed. So I'd carry him back to his bed, asleep. Or I'd wake him up and tell him to go back to his bed and he would. They go through phases and some kids just really need the extra cuddles. (My oldest would never think of coming to us. We had to lock her room when she was little because she'd wake up and escape the house or draw on the living room walls, or climb the cabinets...).

I'm sorry he's going through this phase when you have a baby! Either give in to the cuddles or be strict and take him back to bed. Those are the two options, really.

 

[m5comp]

@liz555 Have you tried framing this around you and the baby needing sleep? My nearly 4 year old is more receptive to not getting his wishes met when we explain that it’s because of something somebody else needs for health and safety.

I would try to set up in room “self service” for needs - here is your water. Here are a few books, quiet toys if you wake early, stuffies. We have the hatch go off 15 minutes before I need to be out of bed as his “ok to wake mom for a cuddle” time, which I see you tried. He doesn’t always stay til then, but he is at least coming and laying quietly almost every morning now especially if he’s on early and just wants to be close to us. I emphasized that I’m always there if he really needs me, but if he’s just bored and can’t sleep he can do these things in his room so mom can get some rest too.

 

[liz555]

@m5comp Ooh I like the idea of setting up the hatch to go off as the ok to cuddle mama time! I’d be ok with him coming in at 6, it’s just anything before that is rough haha. He has his water, books, stuffies etc I think he just gets bored waiting for the hatch. The sun rising early doesn’t help this lol

 

[anh164]

@liz555 Get a digital clock for their room and cover the last two numbers of the time. Tell your kids they can’t come out of their room until the clock shows 7 (or whatever time you choose). You cover up the last 2 numbers because some kids will come out at 437 saying the clock said 7!

 

[abigale]

@liz555 My daughter was bad. Got prescribed melatonin as part of her ADHD diagnosis. Life changing!!!! Worth mentioning to a dr especially when your other twin is different and you would assume upbringing was exactly the same. I’ve seen it used as a short term solution to get into a healthier sleep pattern. Our daughter is more severe and will most likely have it for a very long time.

 

[daddylopez1963]

@liz555 So I’m not sure if this would be easy to implement at this point, but I have those doorknob things on my 4yo door, he’s kinda locked in there lol. Maybe that seems harsh to some people but it works for us—he really has never gotten into the habit of wanting out of his room during bedtime hours. We also use the hatch so when it starts chirping it wakes us up too.

The one time we left his door open (it was hot and we were blowing a fan in), he woke up and jump scared me next to my bed! How you people love this way I’ll never understand . I’m team door-locked-from-the-outside! My sisters kid is bigger than mine and figured the doorknob out young, so she has a fabric locking thing from the outside. I do realize it sounds like we’re caging our children like animals but I promise they are well cared for

Sorry if this is unhelpful for OP as it might be hard to make the transition to this mindset at this age (but probably not impossible), but for those starting to make the transition I highly recommend this method! He doesn’t look at it as punishing and he legit doesn’t even try to open the door.

Edit: as a commenter noted, i was being a little hyperbolic with the use of the word “locked”, it’s just a doorknob cover!