My 2.5 year old is a DICTATOR and it’s hurting our relationship

[onlyjesus316]

I’m very sorry this is long so thank you if you read all of it.

First of all, I try my hardest to hold firm boundaries. Maybe I could be firmer, but my husband and I have noticed the firmer we are the more he pushes back and shows highly unwanted behavior. The problem is becoming so severe to the point it’s affecting my relationship with him because myself, as someone who absolutely despises to be bossed around, feels micromanaged to death all day that by the end of the day I just want him as far away from me as possible. I feel like I’m not being the mother I am trying to work through all the trauma he’s caused me and spend most of my time pushing him away since he’s so tyrannical. I will write our day today to show an example of his behavior.

Wakes up, immediately tells me to get up, hold him, hold his bear. Doesn’t want me to put him down wants me to stand and hold him, I say “I can sit down and hold you” huge meltdown. Just to emphasis it’s not a “mommy hold me.” It’s “HOLD ME. HOLD ME. HOLD ME. MOMMY. HOLD ME!!!! HOLD MEEEE!!!!!!!!!! HOLD MEEEEE!!!! STAND UP!! STAND UP!! STAND UP!! HOLD MEE STAND UP!!!!” He always excessively expresses his wants in this way.

Asks if he would like eggs or sausage for breakfast with some berries (if I don’t give him multiple choices he freaks). “No. Cereal.” I give him the two choices again. Huge meltdown.

He finally agrees to eggs and has a meltdown because he wanted scrambled eggs not hard boiled. He wanted to crack it. Another meltdown because he wants a spoon. He doesn’t want to sit in this chair he wants to sit in that chair. He wants oatmilk. No he didn’t want oatmilk he wants water. NO not that cup he wants his water bottle.

Finishes breakfast and asks to watch tv. He has to be the one to turn it on, pick the show and pause it or turn it off or a huge meltdown. I try to do dishes and he wants me to hold him (he asks to be held the entire day and refuses to walk anywhere we go). Cue the 10th meltdown of the morning.

I sit down to play with him and the entire play session is “NO not a green one!! NO you sit here. NOO that’s my robot. You be this one. NO his name isn’t robot it’s green robot. NO we’re not going to the mart. Go over here. Now dance. NO not like that”

We get ready to go in the car for a drive. Every. Single. Day. Is a fight to 1. Get a diaper change and get dressed 2. Get socks and shoes on. 3. Go to bed at night. I’m not going to write out this whole part because it takes an hour of him melting down and dictating me about every last little thing. NO he has to open the door, he has to shut the light off, he has to get in the car himself, he has to buckle the top buckle, yells at me to start driving and that I’m not driving fast enough etc.

I give him lots and lots of autonomy. He often gets choices, he gets to help me. I always use kind language with him or firm when I need to be. If I say no it ALWAYS means no. I give him lots of warnings before transitions and explain everything I’m doing in detail. He’s a brilliantly, scarily intelligent child with a remarkable memory. If I slip up once and yell at him, he will still yell back at me months later.

We have tried to tighten the reigns and be more strict with him, but after weeks it only made him push back harder and boss us around even more. Due to this, I would rather just pick my battles instead of making every 5 minutes one.

I’m a highly sensitive person and I really have struggled with people telling me what to do since I was a kid so I feel like I’m completely losing my mind. I’m at a loss with either what he needs or what to do anymore.

 

[ai1226]

@onlyjesus316 Sorry you’re going through this, it really is a tough age. I have an iron-willed 2.5yo myself, so I empathize. Two things

1. Has he ever seen you frustrated? At him, specifically? Kids are monstrous with their caretakers because we’re safe enough for them, but I started seeing a change in behavior after the 3rd or 4th screaming demand when I’ve actually started vocalizing my feelings to him. “, I can’t help you if you’re screaming at me. That is not OK. I’m really frustrated right now. It’s either or nothing at all.”
2. It’s also incredibly normal that he pushes back harder when you become firmer. That’s his natural response to boundary testing. But giving in only shows that his tantrums work. Find one thing you can become firmer on and only focus on that.

 

[onlyjesus316]

@ai1226 Yes I try to frequently tell him things like “your screaming is making me overwhelmed/frustrated. I’m getting upset. I asked you 3 times. Or “I’m not feeling well, I need a minute to rest. You need to wait please. When I am done, I will hold you. What did mommy just say?” Etc.

Do you know what he does?

Anytime I tell him to do something his boomerang self uses all of this back at me. He literally yells at me “I TOLD YOU 3 TIMES!!! You’re making me FRUSTRATED!! Mom STOP and go take a break!!! It’s both hilarious and frustrating because I feel like I’m just arguing with a mirror everyday.

He’s had some strong influence from pushover grandparents in the last several months and it has 100% worsened the behavior and SO fast. It’s amazing. We were around grandpa for 3 days and he already turned into dictator of the year which I am now trying to correct.

 

[sumac]

@onlyjesus316 I try to model the behaviors I tell my kids to us when frustrated. They are used because they work and not just for toddlers. If your patience is gone there is nothing wrong with telling your child that you need to stop whatever it is so you can collect your emotions. If your kid tells you to take a break then say “you’re right! That’s exactly what I need to do”. And then model whatever’s ways you have him regulate emotions. Breathing, counting, meditating, etc.

And hey. This is such a challenging phase of parenting. You’re doing great.

 

[molebugi]

@sumac When we both aren’t feeling our nicest, we go and have some chill time. He hangs out in his room with nature sounds on and some relaxing mood lighting and a snack/drink. And I breathe (and puff my weed vape on the patio with a nice bevy )

Mantras also are a huge help for him and have been since he was 3 ish.

“I can be chill.” “I can be kind.” “Even when I am mad.” “I feel sad. And I want to feel better.”

Noises have to be off too when he gets ramped. Appliances…Screens as well, unless he is in fact going to be down for some alone time. I try to get him regulated first before he has access to his tablet, because I don’t want him to use screens as a regulation crutch. I find we need that groundwork first for his overall behavior to be adjusted for the day. Anyone is going to be crabby if they’ve just been staring at a screen for ages or hearing a blaring television or music or fans going…..

Coming from a mom who really felt like “WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO HERE???” And might’ve checked the toddler return policy a couple times before rolling up my sleeves and doing the dirty work of influencing my tots mood swings…. I’m a bit of a no B.S. crabcake woman. I seem very grumpy to everyone. So my mood might not have been the best leveling off point for my kid in the beginning but we’re getting there! As a team! I’m a grump, my toddler might get it from me, and together, we’re working through these grumpy feelings and trying to be grow into good people together

 

[sumac]

@molebugi Slumberkins books might be helpful, each book has a rhyming affirmation at the end. The books themselves are a bit fluffy for my liking, but still good books. They have free printables on their website, too.

 

[ben13]

@molebugi As a fellow grumpy woman I can appreciate your comment. Do you have any other or anything I could use? My lo jusy turned 4 and I fee I’m STILL trying to figure this out

 

[molebugi]

@ben13 No real suggestions or tips beyond one that has probably been most effective of all: I wear earplugs or headphones with white noise in spicy moments, and also sometimes start the day with them in my ear while I acclimate lol. Makes a night and day difference with my ability to regulate myself!

 

[brh1989]

@onlyjesus316 Have you read "how to talk so little kids will listen"? Maybe you've heard this before but I feel like applying things in that book might help.

Part of the book is not only how you respond in the moment to unwanted behavior but also problem solving with your child after the fact about how to avoid it in the future. Since he's smart and very communicative, this might work well for him. Something like "I notice your were frustrated that Mommy couldn't hold you while standing up for as long as you wanted. Mommy loves to hold you but you're a big boy and she needs to snuggle you while sitting down sometimes. How can I snuggle you while sitting down while still making you feel snuggled and love? Should we bring special blanky? Should we ask bear?" Etc

Toddlers are notorious dictators partially because they get very little control over their life and are newly asserting their autonomy. They also like routine and predictability. It sounds like you already give him choices but another thing you can do is anticipate his needs and avoid having to say no and diffusing tantrums as much as possible. It seems like you are already very in tune with his wants so a next step can be to communicate that you know it, enthusiastically: " Good morning now Mommy is going to hold you! ...now it's time for you to open the door! Wow, such a big boy doing it all by yourself!" Announce the routine and make it a game, do it before he can make demands and very enthusiastically. It's worth a try.

Also I would pick your battles. If he wants cereal for breakfast, I would just do cereal. Avoid making things a power struggle as much as possible.

Lastly, reinforce politeness and good behavior with praise as much as possible. If he is making demands, have him ask nicely with please and thank you and praise him when he does. Try not to reinforce bad behavior as much as possible.

Good luck, Mama. I am sure you are already doing a lot of this. It's a hard age but things can and do get better. He can communicate his needs and wants which is a good thing. The next step is teaching him polite and empathetic communication.

 

[lady_pritimah]

@brh1989 This morning 2 agreed to my negotiation of “when we put clothes and boots on, we can go outside and look for poop.” (Dog poop in the yard is his new favorite morning activity. He finds it, points it out, and I use the scooper tools to take care of it.)

It’s about remembering what’s important to them too.

 

[onlyjesus316]

@brh1989 I have not read this, but I’m going to check it out thank you. I think we’re often missing the problem solving part after. I will try to work on this more together. It does seem like he needs more tools. And more positive praise, definitely.

 

[carolny]

@onlyjesus316 Something I’ve started working on when my daughter is being really demanding during play is saying “that’s what you want me to do. Right now, I’m choosing to do it differently. It’s ok for people to want different things.” And then I’ve been modeling that with toys at times when she’s not frustrated/demanding to help it sink in. Like “oh this cat wants to play hide and seek! But the dog is saying ‘no thanks’ because he’s reading a book.” And then talking through ideas for what could happen. “Hmm, I wonder if the cat would want to read a book too? Or what could the cat choose to do on her own?” I feel like it’s helped her be more accepting when my husband and I don’t follow her every whim in play (and elsewhere!), and will help set her up for positive peer interactions too. “Not everyone wants to do the same thing at the same time! It’s okay to make different choices.”

 

[yuli]

@carolny Love this suggestion!

 

[keithallan]

@carolny You freaking angel. I am using this.

 

[starkiller]

@carolny My son repeatedly signs “same! Same!” when I talk about us wanting different things it’s hilarious but he is at least aware of this concept now.

 

[kievonn]

@onlyjesus316 Ughhhhh you sound like an amazing fucking mom. I have no notes, just commiseration. My newly-3yo daughter is almost the EXACT same way. We’re just doing our best out here!!! The way you’re receiving and responding to these comments is so gorgeous to me. I wish you and your son nothing but a wonderful future!!!!

 

[onlyjesus316]

@kievonn You are so sweet I beat myself up everyday with guilt and shame. So sincerely, thank you so much

 

[skimmy]

@onlyjesus316 You are doing a great job! Strong willed toddlers can be so exhausting. You’ve gotten some good advice about problem solving, praising the positive things, and politeness. When I’m feeling frustrated I’ve had to remind myself of what my kid is developmentally capable of. It’s got to be SO hard for them to have big feelings and not be able to emotionally regulate. It’s hard to be told what to do all the time. I think I also read that kids don’t really have empathy until they’re 8- we have to teach them that over time. Whenever I’d end up in a power struggle I’d think that they were giving me a hard time. What helped me was realizing that they weren’t giving me a hard time (even if they actually meant to annoy me) but that they were HAVING a hard time. It made me much more compassionate. I still had to take deep breaths and if my husband was around tag out to calm down. This is a phase and won’t last forever even if your kid is always strong willed- it won’t always look like this

 

[leona_firefly]

@onlyjesus316 It's a great book! I'm listening to it on audible right now. They list the tools and examples of how to use the tools so it's easier to understand and implement.

 

[starkiller]

@onlyjesus316 There is an audible version of it if this is easier OP. My child is very similar to yours and I never get to read anymore, everything has to be on audiobook format for me