My 2.5 year old is a DICTATOR and it’s hurting our relationship

[24dupont]

@onlyjesus316 I don’t know if this will help you, but cutting sugar out of our diet helped. We also only do screen time once a week and we watch part of a movie or one episode of something together and discuss it.

Maybe he’s also sleep deprived or hungry? My daughter (2.5) is incorrigible when she’s hungry or sleepy and starts trying to dictate everything. Usually when that happens, I make getting her fed or down for a nap a priority despite the fights.

Good luck and sorry you’re going through this. People seem to think they get better around 4 years old? I guess we’ll see

 

[sigmachi1855]

@onlyjesus316 My 2.5 year old isn’t quite as challenging as yours right now but she’s pretty dang 2 and it’s hard AF. Solidarity

(Also I have good luck with carefully picking my battles and absolutely holding the line when I do. But it’s hard and I’m not perfect.)

 

[mooreman]

@onlyjesus316 Mine is also a dictator. No advice just solidarity. Please post if you find something that works!

 

[jesusismysavior2202012]

@onlyjesus316 I feel like I could have wrote this myself. It really does make our relationship strained and I’m left absolutely drained at the end of the day. I know how you feel, also looking for support

 

[paul3993]

@onlyjesus316 Earplugs!

If your toddler is anything like mine, this is just the beginning. Mine is a year older and no less rational.

One other tips is to hug and hold (or rock) him during meltdowns. I thought my toddler would reject me and want me to let go, but it does help her regulate along with acknowledging how she must be feeling.

 

[fabulousfilho]

@onlyjesus316 I think someone else mentioned Dr. Becky but I’ve found her “you’re in charge game” to be a lifesaver on breaking endless rounds of NO! and tantrums. In general, I’ve found her parenting advice the most helpful (for years) with my strong willed and independent 5 year old. She talks about it around the 20 min mark of this episode of her podcast. Maybe worth a try.

 

[i_dont_know]

@onlyjesus316 I'm not sure if you'll get to this comment because you've had a lot of AMAZING responses but I wanted to actually thank you for posting this. I have a high energy, chatty, intelligent 2.5 year old who bosses me about and some of your comments on here have brought me to tears..

I see you. I see you trying and your heart aching because you're desperate not to repeat the behaviours you saw from you parents, you're disappointed when you feel you've not done a good job because you hold yourself to a very high standard and want to be a good mum, you're used to not letting people boss you around in adult life and wouldn't dream of letting anyone speak to you in the way this little tyrant does... Honestly, I'm the same!! I also have misophonia, although I didn't know that's what it was so thank you again for helping me learn something new today!

You are a good mum, because you want to do better.. You are a good mum because you're trying. You can't pour from an empty cup, so make sure you check in with your own emotions from time to time so that you're not always on edge.

We very much use silly behaviour to diffuse situations, where it's appropriate at least. If it's something like breakfast choices and we offered her a couple of options and she starts to whine and a tantrum is approaching me or my husband stand on the other side of the kitchen island and 'pretend' to walk down the imaginary stairs behind the island, out of her sight. We say we're going to check the basement for more choices occasionally we take the 'elevator' down there. Apart from being quite good squat exercises for us, it immediately has her in stitches, we do it a few times then come round and give her a cuddle and talk about how amazing her two options are and usually by then she's in a better mood for choosing. I think sometimes we offer choices and expect an answer from them immediately? I don't know about you but sometimes I need a hot second to make up my mind. The other thing we have done before is establish what she wants for breakfast whilst getting dressed and tell her she has some time to make the decision

I try to see the tantrums as good things (as much as I can!) she's learning to express herself and she's likely to be a good advocate for herself when she's older if I can help her hone it! I have a friend whose child is quiet as a mouse and hides behind her all the time, I'd rather my rambunctious whirlwind than a super quiet child if I'm honest, despite the challenges it brings!!

Do you ever have conversations with him about emotions when he's calm? Our nursery have supported us quite a lot with our LOs emotions. They made a print out of little emotion faces and looped them on to a ribbon for her to bring home so we could all talk about how she was feeling as a family, she LOVED It! Apparently Mummy is grumpy, moody and sad and Daddy is happy and excited... Seriously though, that means I'm doing my job, I'm the disciplinarian and her dad is fun. I honestly don't mind, I'm just happy she can pick up on our vibes!

All this to say, I'm here in solidarity with you, you are doing an excellent job. I want to put my girl in the trash from time to time, especially when she sasses me and I totally see myself in her this too shall pass! My messages are open if you ever want to have a moan!

 

[jaxadaisy]

@onlyjesus316 Just wanted to say my son was/is very similar, but he is more agreeable and easier to work with now that he’s approaching 3.5. I still hold my guns and no means no. He used to tantrum 30 mins straight if he didn’t get his way. Now he is easier to redirect or just gets over it in a few minutes. Hopefully this will improve for you and your son soon. Stick to your strong boundaries!

 

[betrayedandhurt]

@onlyjesus316 Sounds like my son. A choleric personality and leadership traits. Amazing for adulthood, parents nightmare at this age hahaha. I'll give you some unpopular opinion so take it if you like it or down voted if you wish. I say I wake up and "establish dominion." He has to understand that I am in charge not him. Yet I give him small choices such as choosing underwear, shoes, clothes. Allowing him to put toothpaste, his own clothes on, etc etc. But then when he fights the options I give him I remind him who's in charge. He is allowed to show frustration but into a limit. I dont want screaming and chaos in my house so I tell him to cool down in his room (5min timer) if he goes crazy (which sometimes he does) I go crazier and we have our little heated discussion. We hug at the end and I tell him I'm the boss not him, he cant scream and wake up the city nor run my house. Peace is restored. He has his limited choices. Sometimes I give in so he can see that he also can win hahaha. Hang on mama it gets better!

 

[cela]

@onlyjesus316 Recommend the books "Raising your spirited child" and "Good Inside" if your haven't already read them

 

[onlyjesus316]

Thank you all for the amazing feedback, support and guidance.

For the last week I have tried my absolute hardest to hold really clear, firm boundaries, have excellent communication, enough connection, a very consistent schedule, minimal screen time and sugar, plenty of balanced meals and protein, outside time everyday. I’ve done everything right in the book and implemented a lot of the tips essentially. I’ve been really proud of myself and of us.

I know it’s only been a week and it’ll probably take time but unfortunately, it seems he’s pushing back harder more and more. I’m praying it’s some kind of extreme phase on top of his normal tendency to be this way. But wow, just wow I have no words. Today he BEGGED for a snack for 2 and a half hours nonstop. I think he asked me 57,000 times in a row whining and crying over it. I tried everything to explain, distract him, play with him instead etc. This determination is going to let him run the planet someday. Scary.

Our 10 minute bath today went like this.

First he refused the bath, and all my coaxing in the world finally got him in. He wanted toys, more toys, it was the wrong toy, he wanted more bubbles 17 times he asked me even though I explained very detailed that the bubbles and our soap is gone.

Then he wanted the water on, got angry that he couldn’t get it off himself. Wanted it back on again, I didn’t turn it on strong enough so he got angry again. Then he wanted the “big water” (overhead) not the “small one”. Freaked out about it. Almost lost his mind that I offered to wash his hair in exchange for a popsicle. (He’s bat shit terrified of having his hair wash and has been since he was a small baby.)

And then he was all done with the bath so he started whining and crying about it before I could move my body fast enough, threw his toys against the wall and screaming that he was cold and crying hysterically wanting me to hold him.

The wanting me to hold him is so excessive to the point I physically could not cook dinner because he was screaming and dragging my legs and hurting himself tantruming. So I put him in a carrier for an hour trying to cook.

I’m a working mom too. I wake up at the crack of dawn to teach classes and sacrifice my sleep by teaching late as well. It feels like my brain has been electrocuted and there’s almost nothing left. I genuinely don’t know how much more I can take. My health is declining from the stress.

I start therapy this week, thank god.