@joakdailey I’m trying to sort through the advice here because some comments think he’s getting too much power/choices and some don’t think I’m giving him enough choices or letting things go enough.
I feel like I can’t agree with that part about them not really wanting to be in charge. My son absolutely GLOWS with happiness when he gets to do everything himself. Since he was a baby he’s had an extremely strong drive to do everything himself. I give him probably an unusual amount of autonomy for a 2 year old but I know that he really really thrives off it. I just know because I know my son. I’m just convinced I’m raising a future CEO who is getting his practice in now lol
@onlyjesus316 Soooo we had similar. Can’t remember whether the post history is on this account or my last one which I deleted but my 2 year old was just a bit of a tart, putting it mildly.
He’s 3 next month and oh my god. Different child. He’s pleasant, funny, I actually enjoy spending time with him.
6 months ago I genuinely had resigned myself to the fact that this was my life now and every day was a slog. I couldn’t wait for him to go to bed.
Nothing changed in the way I parented, he just kind of snapped out of it, so hopefully it’ll be the same for you and there’s light at the end of the tunnel!
@onlyjesus316 I had similar challenges with my son. His dr suggested an evaluation by an OT. This was just my experience but the OT gave me alot of tips that helped us.
@onlyjesus316 My 2.5 year old has gone through a few brief phases like this but we’ve come out of them pretty quickly each time.
The #1 thing I do is say “I can’t understand you like that. You’ll have to ask me nicely.” And then I ignore him if he’s whining/crying/demanding. I might just speak to periodically remind him what I’m looking for “mommy, please X”. I keep my face and voice very gentle during the interactions but otherwise ignore him. It might take 20 minutes of tuning out whining but eventually it clicks. When he finally asks politely I give him lots of love and praise.
Otherwise I hold strong and absolutely never respond to whining/screaming/demanding or any behavior that is rude/annoying.
When he’s truly in an awful state, he takes a break in his high chair pushed up to our kitchen window where he can count the card and relax until he’s ready to be nice.
@9ikanews Since my son is bilingual, I tell him “I’m sorry I don’t speak that language” when he cries and whines like that. I’m the English speaker so I tell him he can use his “nice words in English with me” or I just say “ask me nicely please” it sometimes works, sometimes not. If he’s having a bad day I can do this the whole day and it doesn’t matter. Sometimes he even just says “nice pleaseeeee” in a nice voice and at least it gives me a good laugh
The problem here is my husband often responds to whining and so do grandparents. So he’s really struggled with an unbelievably excessive amount of whining. I am trying hard to undo it.
I’ve always been against using time outs in my parenting so I’ve tried to reframe it as a “time in” where I tell him he needs to go take a break for xyz reason” and it does seem to work really well for him. I need to do it more often…The hope is he will remove himself to calm down on his own someday. He’s already started implementing taking deep breaths or doing this series of calming methods we’ve created together (shaking, rolling wrists for anger and EFT/tapping).
@onlyjesus316 I could have written this post about my child and me!! I cried almost every day when my daughter was about 18 mo to 3. Every single morning felt like what you described. I had anxiety and would start to panic when we were getting close to needing to leave (I had to get to work). I felt like I had to dangle a reward in front of her at all times. I don't have great advice because I felt like nothing I did worked. I have ADHD and at the time was unmedicated and she and I both have some sensory sensitivities which added to all the drama. She is very advanced in speech and also like your son, has a crazy memory. She will bring up something and I will think "surely she's not talking about _____, she was too little" and try to figure out something that happened more recently, but nope, it's crazy. However, she's almost 4 now and she either doesn't remember or doesn't discuss the mornings of meltdowns when mommy cried. It's so much better now. It got better around 3, enough that we decided to have a second and last so now she's a big sister. She's still a tough, exhausting child at times because of the extensive discussions we have to have about everything. She pushes back less about arbitrary things though - she knows she needs shoes if she wants to go out, she decides what she wants to eat easily and little things don't bother her as much - any cup is fine, turning off the TV isn't as exciting. We have new battles but I'll take them over how it was. Hopefully this wasn't just a long vent session for me and gives you some hope. Hang in there!
@johnwilliams87 Wow, I am so thankful you chose to share this with me. You have no idea how much hope and comfort this has given me. She sounds so much like my son. The intelligence alone is a lonely road because of course it’s hard to talk about with others since we will obviously come off the wrong way. But everyone who meets my son is blown away by his awareness and intelligence and I feel like it’s wonderful but it’s also a big part of the reason that makes him so difficult. I’ve always said that he’s an older child stuck in a baby body since he was an infant. Even now, he is doing many things at a 4-5 year old level when I evaluate him (I studied child development in college).
I feel like this is where the issues lie, because his brain knows but his communication is often not there to explain himself properly in detail. “I want you to hold me because I’m feeling nervous or I just need extra comfort right now” of course he can’t articulate that.
I have always wanted a family of my own, I know I have the patient of a saint and I am a really warm and empathetic mother who fights for her life to cover the wounds and abuse of her childhood in order to break the cycle. But he has made me feel ashamed of the mother I am and terrified to have more children. I would never ever wish for another child with this level of intelligence. It’s not something to brag about like people think. It comes with an incredibly big, black box warning.
I am so relieved to hear how much better things have gotten for you to the point that you were able to have another. This gives me the motivation to keep pushing forward and keep giving it my all into shaping him into the person I want him to become someday. Thank you
@onlyjesus316 I'm right there with you. My husband told me last night that he resents our son, as the good times are 2% of what goes on, and the rest is just battles. I'm exhausted, and it doesn't help that I have depression and PTSD, so I become highly stressed at yelling and loud noises. Because of that, I resort to screens and I hate that I'm not the mother I want be
@geraldinnechan5117 I feel you so deeply. I also have PTSD from my childhood, the first year of his life and from recently moving abroad. My poor nervous system is a mess. He couldn’t handle school (he had after school restraint collapse really severely and his behavior and tantrums were almost violent), and so he’s been home again for a while and I’ve also resorted to screens often. I try so hard but I also have to save myself and my sanity. The guilt eats me alive everyday.
@onlyjesus316 Oof, it sucks that the school thing didn't work out; my son just started a new school, and he is starting to love it. It's half day, but it has done me a world of good to be able to do something I want to do without being screamed at. With the screen thing, I used an old phone and set up YouTube kids with only videos approved by me, and I set an automatic screen time limit. It's not a perfect system but it did help stop the screen time spiraling out of control. Ear plugs for you might help take the edge off
@onlyjesus316 I kinda stopped reading at "I am trying to work through all the trauma he’s caused me..." Seriously? We are talking about a 2 year old here. Read my post history if you want and you will see that my 3 yr old is also a little dictator but with the added cherry on top of being violent when he doesn't get his way. I used to and sometimes still flinch/cringe when he approaches me not sure if he'll hurt me or not. I am also highly sensitive and get overstimulated easy so his behaviour is very hard for me to deal with. But I do not consider myself traumatized.
Here's the thing. You don't see it now but it will get better. And all that work you're doing will start to show. My son got really bad just before he turned 3 and he also had a sleep regression. It has been really rough. It's taken months but now finally he is showing improvement. So for one, when he has a meltdown I let him. I realized I was trying to fix and control too many things. I can't control his feelings. I tell him it's okay to be angry about x but even if you're angry my decision isn't changing. In terms of bossiness just say I don't like the way you're talking to me right now. I need to step away because I'm feeling a bit angry. Let him freak out. Then come back in a bit. Acknowledge his feelings. It's hard not to get what you want. Etc. But I won't let you talk to me like that. You're going to have a lot of days where nothing gets done. And It won't feel like it's working at first but it'll get there. This is hard. And ya I get it. I was seriously at a point where I dreaded seeing my son and didn't enjoy spending time with him. During those hard times I tried my best to recognize that him being strong willed isn't a bad thing. It will serve him later in life. For now it sucks for us though but I know my son has a fiery and unique spirit. He is absolutely wild. Is it exhausting? Yes. But is it worth it? Also yes. Hope my long rant helps a little. Hang in there.
@katrina2017 Sorry you didn’t like my language but it’s the truth. I was referring to the first year with him. I actually do have pretty significant PTSD from it. I had extremely severe PPD/PPA and nearly attempted suicide a few times. As a newborn he never slept, EVER. He never ever slept. Had wake windows of several hours just to sleep 20 minutes, needed us to walk laps around the kitchen island for up to 3 hours to put him to sleep, screamed for food 24/7, he cluster fed at all hours of the day, when we tried to “let him cry, he screamed so hard he always threw up or would choke and lose his voice, he couldn’t even let his single butt cheek cell touch a bouncer or holding device of any kind. At 2 months old he wanted to stand up (yes. Yes I have video of him wanting to stand up all the time at 2 months old if you don’t believe me) this only got worse as he got older. He was such an angry and determined newborn that I felt like I had an alien on my hands. Can you explain to a doctor that your 4 month old is throwing tantrums because they want you to be their body and physically move them every second? I had to sit and hold him up so he could stand up all day and “walk” to play with the next thing, the next thing, the next thing. He was FOUR months old. He was bored of everything he looked at for more than a few seconds. His brain was at a 2 year old level. I know it sounds insane. The doctors looked at me like I had 2 heads when I tried to explain to them. It was so extreme that I developed really painful phsyical/muscular problems from this time since I had to hold him standing 24/7. Everyone that met him sat with their jaw on the floor and told me “he’s not a baby, he’s a grown man.” As I looked at my friend’s babies laying happily in a bouncer staring at the same mobile for 10mins, I resented my seemingly other-worldly child for a long time. If I should’ve said “the trauma the first year caused me” to suit you then sorry, but I can’t deny that it was due to him. Not myself.
Also, I haven’t responded to the comments who have explained the language to use with him during these meltdowns because I am already doing this. I always reassure him that it’s ok to be angry/sad/frustrated. The exact scenario would be me bending down when I’m done saying “you’re feeling angry because I couldn’t hold you. I understand. It’s ok. Would you like me to hold you now?” We always talk about it. I ask him how he’s feeling. I ask him what he thinks he could do if I’m busy and can’t hold him. I ask him what would make him feel better. I explain things to him in detail. I do everything the books tell me to do. I don’t do it everytime because then I would be robotically repeating myself every 30mins out of the day and that’s just crazy. But I do it. I just keep wishing time away and hope it helps. I wish I wasn’t full of resentment that I have always had to parent and push myself beyond my own limit 10x harder than others.
@onlyjesus316 Did you even read anything else I wrote beyond that?
And yeah I think it's pretty ridiculous to say your baby caused you trauma. I don't know if you are already in therapy but I think you should be. I'm not denying that what you went through was hard. I'm just saying that we are talking about a baby that can't take responsibility for their actions.
@katrina2017 I’m sorry but I guess we just agree to disagree because I personally don’t believe someone needs to be able to take responsibility to be able cause trauma to someone. I would never tell him this just as I never have my own parents due to the hurt and pain that would cause the person. But in my mind, it’s how I see things. As time goes by, I forgive him and I forgive my parents and learn to move on. It was not intentional from either side. It doesn’t make sense for my brain otherwise in order to process what I went through.
I didn’t respond to the other part because I am already doing all of it. I appreciate you taking the time to offer the advice though, thank you.
@onlyjesus316 I think a shift in perspective will really help you. The fact that you feel the need to forgive your son is really unhealthy. And also the fact that you are comparing your baby to full grown adults... Seriously please seek out a therapist.
@katrina2017 Did you read what “I” said? It was a comment multiple people made jokingly. Anyone who met him couldn’t believe his age. I also agree I could benefit from shifting my perspective, I don’t want to continue to feel jealous of people who have easier children and easier lives when mine has to be so hard most days. But I admit the feelings get better as he gets older. He really is wise beyond his years and has empathy like I’ve never seen. He’s a real gem. And on the flip side of the coin, I feel very lucky. So I am trying to hang in there each day and hope that time can help rewrite this narrative I’ve held for the last couple years. But I have to be out of the thick of it.
I have tried a couple therapists who haven’t helped me much and am in the process of finding another.
@katrina2017 I am not sure what to tell you. Maybe because you didn’t experience it yourself you don’t understand. But I’m at a loss with how to process the trauma I went through in the first year with your way of thinking.
